Past depressing thoughts (part 2)

--- Flashback ---

That week of illness gave me way too much time to think. It made me realize a lot of things, but the one that hit me the hardest was the death of Liam, my frien—

'No. I need to tell it like it is. Maybe then I can finally stop treating the things that hurt me as insurmountable.'

I loved Liam. Even though he was a guy and I wasn't attracted to his body, I wanted to spend my whole life with him. Live together, get married, have his children, everything.

I don't even have any significant childhood memories from before I met him.

He is still my role model. He could do everything! Blacksmithing, tailoring, farming, carpentry. He was always so easy to get along with, kind and helpful to absolutely everyone. A capable and reliable young man who lifted spirits wherever he went.

He was also a bit handsome, though I didn't really care about that.

"Sei."

I mean, it's not that I felt repulsion toward his body, but I wasn't attracted to it either.

It's like... if you put a sex toy on a rock. Even if you aren't attracted to the rock, you don't dislike it either. It's just a rock. But if you're really horny, you can still crave the pleasure it can give you... or something like that?

'Wait, where did my mind even go just now?'

Anyway, we didn't do anything physical, so I don't really know how I would have reacted.

"Seina."

But no, his death wasn't what made me so depressed.

Of course, it hurt more than anything else in the world, but that was just the trigger. Without him, my goals, my dreams, my motivations, and my general desire to move forward were just... gone.

I was never interested in doing anything. I had nothing to achieve, nothing to gain. It's not that I was lazy, but I never found a single thing to hold on to that gave me strength.

"Seeeinaaa~"

Then I realized that his absence wasn't the actual problem. It was me.

I wasn't really alive.

Still, I eventually understood that I was living in an illusion. As much as my past self would deny it, we probably wouldn't have lasted long together if we had actually dated. I know he liked me too, but even if we had become boyfriend and girlfriend, we were still just teenagers.

I could have left him to chase a girl, or he could have left me for someone more interesting and fun. Who knows? I think his death made me see him for what I needed him to be, not for what he really was.

"Seina, I'm talking to you. Are you okay?"

I could stay in the exact same position for hours on end, my brain barely functioning. Like the time I tripped and fell on the wet grass. I wanted to get up, but... my mind just decided to shut down. It decided that staying in that uncomfortable position, feeling the cold grass and the wet earth, concentrating on my dirty skin and clothes, watching a line of ants march by, and wondering how long it would take for the mud on my hands to dry... my mind decided that all of that was far more important than anything else I could be doing.

"If you don't get up, I'm going to spank your ass."

But that time doesn't matter now. I've lost the few friends I had, although I never really minded that... Maybe.

At least I still have my family. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly close to anyone except Nicole.

I've always wanted to be closer to them: my two older sisters, my younger brother, and my parents. But I've also noticed that maybe they don't love me very much... N-no, no. Every time this thought crosses my mind, I dismiss it as one of my pessimistic delusions.

At the same time, I have to admit that a part of me truly believes it, to a certain extent.

"Sein—fine, have it your way."

Nicole pulls the blanket off me. I don't even mind.

I should definitely hang out with them more.

Maybe I'll go back after the academy, at least for a while. Or should I find a job first? Even though I don't think they'll demand anything from me, they're probably secretly disappointed in me. Even more so now, aren't they? I hope not, but it would be incredibly depressing to come back empty-handed after a long time of supposedly preparing for—

SMACK!

"AAAHH! W-what?!" A sharp pain in my butt violently snaps me out of my thoughts. I whip around to see Nicole blowing on her hand with a satisfied, mocking look.

"Hehe~"

"Why did you do that!?"

"I couldn't think of a funnie—I mean, more effective way to get you to react."

You're not fooling anyone.

"Were you going to say funnier?"

"No?"

"... You could have called me—"

"I have called you. Many times," she interrupts.

"..."

I look down at my bottom. There's already a bright red mark on my left cheek in the exact shape of her hand. Damn it, she hit right where my underwear doesn't cover. I guess it's my fault for getting too comfortable at home...

She follows my gaze.

"Heh. At least you seem to be feeling better already," she says, not taking her eyes off my butt with a proud smile.

I sit up quickly before answering. "I-I think so. Please, just shake my shoulder or something next time."

"I'll try."

"Do it."

"Do you want to eat here, or can you walk to the kitchen?" She adopts her usual lazy expression when she asks. It looks like she's had enough fun for now.

I'm still feeling awful, but my body isn't that tired anymore.

"I'll go."

I move my arms a little... They're heavy, but at least this time I'm strong enough to lift them above my head.

"Good. Also... come sleep with me for a while," she says, resting the back of her hand against my cheek for a brief moment.

--- End of Flashback ---

I think I remembered more details than I needed to... My butt clenches a little in agreement.

Anyway, not much has changed since then. But at least I'm sure I'm finally getting better. Even my most pessimistic thoughts are now accompanied by little positive notes! I have a dream. It's small, but a dream nonetheless: the desire to get closer to my family and, maybe, make more friends.

How about the cute waitress?

'No... I don't have many interesting things to talk about, so I'll probably just bore her—NO! Don't fall for that again. You know what? I'll try to talk to her about absolutely anything.'

Oh~? That smells good.

I sniff the air, my nose twitching involuntarily. I can pick up the rich, savory scent of roasted garlic, sweet tomato, black pepper, and the distinct, mouthwatering aroma of various melted cheeses bubbling together. Then there's that strange but appetizing meat, and... onion? I don't like onions very much, but depending on the dish, I can be fine with them.

I hear the kitchen door swing open. A few seconds later, the elven waitress hurries toward me carrying a tray. It holds a steaming plate of... Oh? Lasagna! The heat radiating from the dish carries the spices right to me. Beside it sits a glass and a bottle of almost transparent wine.

"Thank you for waiting! Crabsnake lasagna and our recommended white wine! I'd love to—oh?"

I raise my hand slightly to interrupt her. Normally, I'd be way too shy to do that. I've done things I don't like more times than I care to admit just to avoid upsetting someone. So stupid of me. But when it comes to food, things are different. I don't hold anything back.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I don't like the smell of ethanol very much. Something else with a milder scent would be much better, please," I say shamelessly, pointing to my ears and twitching them a little.

"Oh... right! Foxes have sensitive noses. I'm so sorry! I didn't think of that. Alright then, would some juice be okay?"

This woman really wears her emotions on her sleeve. Her face is incredibly expressive. Uh, then again, from what people have told me, so is mine.

"Yes, thank you very much."

Good! Let's get started~

The food looks wonderful! The little chunks of meat look similar to crab, but they smell completely different... Come to think of it, I've only ever eaten regular meat and some fish. There must be so many amazing ingredients out there that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet.

Oh well. I grab my cutlery. Thanks for the food!

Haam~

I close my eyes as the flavors hit my tongue. The texture is soft, but not too mushy. What a fantastic filling it has. The ragout has a strong, delicious flavor that doesn't overpower the rest of the dish, blending perfectly with the creamy layers of pasta and cheese.

It all comes together beautifully, just like a good lasagna should. A masterful combination of several recipes in one. I'd personally add a bit more spice to it, but it's still amazing! I absolutely love it!

And they achieved this just by experimenting? I'll definitely have to come back and try something else. Should I bring Nicole next time?

Unfortunately, a few minutes into my peaceful meal, a loud crash shatters the quiet atmosphere. It sounds like breaking glass.

"You better do what I say!"

Eh... that sounds annoying. Well, I guess I should—

"AHH! What are you doing!?"

I get up from my comfortable sofa and walk over to peek into the main hall... And I see someone I unfortunately recognize.

Lance.

He's a noble who studies at the Academy in one of the other groups in my year. According to the rumors, he supposedly has almost every vice imaginable, though I've never paid enough attention to know if that's true. Still, he has a huge and surprisingly muscular build. That makes it hard to push him around, even at the Academy where equality is supposedly respected. I have never really cared about his family, other than knowing his father is a middle-ranking noble.

As I cautiously approach the main hall, I listen in on the commotion.

"You remember our deal, don't you? I said I'd keep those ruffians away as long as you and your sister agreed to be my servants," he says, using that typical, condescending tone so many nobles have. Ugh.

"Our deal? We never agreed to such a thing!"

"Your opinion on the matter is irrelevant. It's already decided, so get on with it!"

"We're not going anywhere with you!"

"This is your response to my generosity!? After I've been helping you get rid of the pests?"

"Those guys were clearly following your orders! You're doing us no favors!"

I watch the huge guy shove the cute elven waitress roughly against the wall. A mess of spilled lemon juice and broken glass ruins the nice wooden floor around them.

SLAP!

"AAGH!" I flinch a little at the sound.

"That's no way to talk to your master, you stupid brat!" Lance just slapped her.

At the exact same time, a bunch of rough-looking men pour into the restaurant. Eh...

"Y-you don't—ah!"

Lance's muscular arm violently yanks at the elf's uniform skirt, tearing it right off. The sudden rip exposes her sexy, plump legs and a nice pair of blue brief-style panties. Wait... My brain completely stalls for a second, catching on the most useless detail possible. Her butt is even bigger than Nicol—

'Stop being so slow and be on your guard! This is no time to admire the view!'

As if to confirm my sudden panic, a bunch of the thugs who just walked in start smashing tables and chairs.

"Let go of me, you creep!"

Another thug drags a woman out of the room next to the counter, which I assume is the kitchen. At the same time, one of the men jumps over the counter and starts throwing bottles off the shelves.

'Aaaah! So many things are happening at once! Where do I start!? It doesn't matter where. Just hit something, fast!'

I lunge forward, aiming straight at the idiot closest to me—who turns out to be Lance. Driven by sheer panic, I don't think it through. I leap into the air to reach his height, throwing a fist straight for his mouth...

'Wait, no! I'm more likely to hurt myself! Hands are fragile, and his hard teeth probably have a ton of infections! Quick, hit somewhere else!'

With my fist already in midair, I only manage to adjust my trajectory down a fraction. My knuckles drive hard into his throat. Judging by that horrifying crunching sound... I definitely just broke his windpipe.

... Ouch.

Um, sorry?

Wait, no.