Eight Months With Tachibana Sara

It's been eight months and we are still living together.

I used to think that she might leave this apartment in a few weeks or a month. I thought if I convinced her mom, she would go back to her own house. But I never imagined that she would stay with me for eight whole months.

Eight months.

It feels both too long and too short. Long enough to get used to her presence, short enough that I still remember how quiet this apartment was before she came.

It's November now and things have started getting cold. The mornings are foggy, the nights are longer, and the wind that comes from the small window in the kitchen is cold enough to make your hands numb. I bought a new heater last week, but we barely use it. We are trying to save money.

And yeah, she still hasn't talked to me once after that night.

That night — the night when she asked me, "Do you like me?" and I said, "No, I don't like you at all."

I thought things would go back to normal after that night. I thought the awkwardness would fade in a day or two. But nothing changed. Nothing at all. The old Tachibana returned.

What I mean is, she started giving me cold stares again. The same cold stares she gave me on the first day we started living together. Like if I made a small mistake in the kitchen, like burning the rice a little, or if I didn't clean my room, or if I left my socks in the hallway — she would look at me as if I had committed a crime. It feels like she genuinely hates me now.

I stopped talking with anyone.

I stopped talking with Ikkun and Ren properly. I started talking to myself in my room. I rarely go to school now, like three times in a week. At home, I only stay in my room. I barely go to the kitchen, even when I am starving so hard that my stomach hurts. I am also getting weak because I am not eating well. I mostly have a fever and just lie in my bed all day while staring at my phone. I have dark circles under my eyes. When I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday, my appearance looked like a homeless person.

My mom called me last week. She asked, "Aoto, are you eating well?" I said, "Yes, mom, I'm eating well." It was a lie.

Nowadays, my days are spent only watching my phone or just thinking about something unusual. Something like, what if I was never born? What if Sara never came to this apartment? What if I had just said "Yes" on that day?

Whatever. Let me make something for myself. I haven't eaten anything properly for two days. Only water and some biscuits I found in my bag.

I got up. My legs were shaking. I went to the kitchen.

And I saw Sara eating chips. She was standing near the fridge, wearing her light pink sweater. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun. She looked at me with those cold stares and said,

"It's been two days I haven't seen you and now I saw you and you look like a dead body."

Her voice was cold, but her eyes — her eyes were looking at my face, my thin arms, my messy hair.

I didn't react to what she said. I didn't have the energy to. I started finding stuff in the fridge and I saw nothing. Only a half bottle of mayonnaise and her strawberry milk.

She said, "Groceries are over and I won't let you touch my stuff."

Again, I didn't react. I just drank water from the tap and went back to my cohabitation life. My throat was dry.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go to school. I can't be absent for more than four days in a week, otherwise the teacher will call my mother.

Next morning.

I got up and my whole body was in pain. Maybe because I hadn't taken a single proper bite of food for three days, only living on water. My head was spinning.

Still, I started getting ready for school. I wore my uniform. It felt loose. I looked at myself in the mirror. My cheeks had gone inside. My uniform that used to fit me perfectly now looked big on me.

At school.

The classroom was noisy as usual, but I felt like I was underwater. Everything was muffled.

Ikkun saw me from far away and his eyes widened.

He said, "Aoto! Is that really you?"

I didn't reply to his answer because I didn't have enough energy to say anything. I just walked to my seat and sat down. My bag felt heavier than usual.

Ikkun came closer and sat on the desk in front of me.

He again asked, "Aoto, are you really okay, dude? You look sick. Have you been eating?"

And this time again I didn't reply to him. I wanted to say, "I'm okay," but the words wouldn't come out.

At that very moment, the teacher arrived and Ikkun went to his seat. I also got scolded by the teacher for not coming to school for four days. She said, "kagawa Aoto, if you continue this, you will have to repeat the year."

And I also didn't react to her scolding and went back to my seat and put my head down on the desk. The desk was cold.

At home.

After school, I came home directly. No club, no hanging out with Ikkun and Ren. Just straight home.

I was thinking about myself, why I have become this weak. Was it because she ignored me? Was it because I said No? Or was it because I actually care about her more than I thought?

I was thinking of myself as the protagonist of an anime. You know, the cool, tragic protagonist who suffers alone. Then I remembered — even in my own life, I am just a side character for everyone. I'll be gone soon when I'll complete my work with everyone. No one will really notice.

After thinking all this stuff, I went to sleep. It was only 6 PM, but I was so tired.

After I got up, I felt like someone was watching me. It was dark outside. The room was dark. I opened my eyes slowly.

And I saw Sara. She was sitting on my chair, right next to my bed, looking at me with a caring face. So caring that I thought I was dreaming. Her hands were on her lap, she was leaning forward.

And when she saw I was awake, her face instantly turned cold. Like she pressed a switch.

I was confused.

I asked her why she was sitting in my chair and looking at me like this. She ignored me and didn't reply. And then she came closer to me and held my hands.

Her hands were warm. Mine were cold.

She said, "You don't seem like you are sick or anything."

I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say.

And she said, "Stand up, I wanna measure your weight."

I didn't argue with her because I was too exhausted to argue. I stood up. My vision went black for a second. I held the wall for support.

I stood on the weighing machine we have in the bathroom and it showed 47 kgs (103 lbs).

She said, "What's your weight before?"

I answered, "53 kgs (116 lbs), I guess. Last month."

She said, "Means you lost 6 kgs (13 lbs) in a month."

I didn't answer her.

And she said, "Well, anyone can tell that without knowing your actual weight. Your bones are visible now. Your cheeks, your collarbone... you look like you will break if I push you."

I again didn't answer. I didn't have any excuse. I just looked down.

And she went outside my room. I thought she left. I sat on my bed again.

After a few minutes, she again came into my room with lots of food. Rice, miso soup, grilled fish, salad, and even pudding. She must have ordered it or made it quickly. She put it all on my small table and told me to eat all of them.

She said, "Eat. Now."

I didn't waste time by asking why she gave me food or anything, and I started eating. My hands were shaking while holding the chopsticks. The soup was hot and salty and it was the best thing I had tasted in days.

And all the time, she was watching me. Sitting on my chair, her arms crossed.

I asked her why she was watching me again.

She replied, "You don't like me, idiot, so focus on food, not on me."

And I started thinking about that day when I told her that I don't like her. That stupid, stupid day.

So I gathered my courage. My mouth was still full of rice.

I asked her, "Are you upset because I told you that I don't like you?"

And she replied, "Why would I be upset if you don't like me? Everyone has their own choice. Many people love me, but you don't belong to them. So why would I care?"

Her voice was shaking at the end. She was trying to sound strong.

I put my chopsticks down.

I said, "At that time, I was scared to tell you, but I really like you. I didn't tell you on that day so you won't get any wrong idea about me."

I saw her eyes were wide and her face was red. Completely red, like an apple. Her hands were gripping her sweater.

And she said, "Like... like how?"

I said, "Like what?"

She said, "Like in what manner you like me."

I said, "Manner? I already told you I like you, then what?" I was confused at that time about what she was trying to say.

And she said, "Idiot! I meant that in what manner you like me, like as a friend or a lover or something else!"

Cough

What? I said.

Both of our faces were tomato red and she was looking at me with a strange face, a face that was half angry, half expecting something.

I couldn't handle that look. I looked away.

I said, "I don't know what to say, I just know that I like you, nothing more."

And I asked her why she stopped talking with me and ignoring me for a whole month.

She said, "You said that you don't like me at all, so... I thought that I might be a burden for you... That's why. I thought you wanted me to leave."

Then I said, "Means you were doing all that on purpose? Ignoring me and all?"

She nodded her head to yes and said, "You also never tried to convince me. You just let me be."

I said, "I never tried?? You forgot that day when I made dinner for you and you just refused to eat it on my face and closed the door? I stood outside for an hour!"

She said, "I... I was just mad at you," while blushing very hard. She couldn't look at me.

She apologized to me and I forgave her and said, "Whatever, don't do it again now, I am attached to you and I don't want you to stay away from me."

She got shocked and her body started shaking and said, "What... what did you... just say? You are attached with... me?"

I said, "Yeah, I am attached to you now. Isn't that obvious? After eight months of living together?"

She said, "Shut up, idiot! Think before what you are going to say!" And she went to her room, but this time she didn't slam the door. She closed it softly.

I was left alone with all the food she brought me.

I thought, "Did I make a mistake by telling her that I am attached to her? Did I say it too weirdly?"

Whatever. And there's my favorite line that I always remember in these situations.

"I can never understand a woman."

But maybe... just maybe... I don't hate that I can't understand her.