Mei

“Oh, your daughter is so cute!”, an adult said.

“She is my pride!”, my mother said.

“Our pride!”, my father said.

Since my earliest memories, I remember listening things like that.

“Oh, my cute little Mei, let your mama hug you!”

People always thought I was very cute and because of that, I was always the center of the attention wherever I went.

“Mei, come play with us!”, a small boy said.

“No, she will play with us!”, a small girl said.

“Mei, look! It’s a cool beetle!”, another boy said.

“I don’t like insects...”, I said.

“Mei, what do you like to do?”, another kid said.

I won’t be a hypocrite and say that I hated being cute. How can a normal girl not be happy in being called cute? But for someone timid like me, it was a bit oppressive having all those eyes on me.

The years passed and that only got worse.

“Mei, you got all perfect scores again!”, my mother said with a smile in her face.

“As expected from our daughter!”, my father said with proud.

“That’s my little sister!”, my brother said with sincerity.

“Keep studying like this and you will have a bright future. We are expecting a lot from you.”, my teacher said.

“Your parents should be really proud of you!”, another adult said.

The expectations, the attention… it was hard for me.

“Mei, let’s eat together!”, a kid asked.

“Mei, could you let me see your notes?”, and another one asked.

“Mei, let’s play soccer!”, and another one.

“Mei!”

“Mei!”

“Mei!”

“Mei!”

“Mei!!!”

It would never stop.

At least, during middle school it got a little better.

“Oh, that girl is beautiful.”, I heard a boy whispering to another.

“I hope I can find a girlfriend like her.”, another boy’s whisper.

“She is so cute! Let’s try to be her friend!”, a girl said to another.

But I can’t deny one thing: it’s because of this that I have so many friends. No matter how much time passed, how much attention I would get, my shyness wouldn’t go away.

“Mei, let’s go somewhere after classes!”, a friend said.

“That’s a good idea! There’s a new cafe I want to visit!”, another friend said.

“Oh, I’ll go too!”, another one said.

“Huh… Sure, let’s go.”, I agreed.

It was really funny how a girl who didn’t even know how to make a friend always had a bunch friends.

“No one wants to be the class rep?”, the teacher asked the students.

“Teacher, I think that Mei should be our rep!”, a girl said.

“Huh!?”, I exclaimed.

“Yeah, I think everyone will agree!”, a boy said.

“That’s right! She is perfect for that!”, another student yelled while the entire class was agreeing with that.

“Mei, do you would accept that?”, the teacher asked.

“If that is what everyone wants… yes.”, I didn’t had the courage to reject.

“So it’s decided.”, the teacher confirmed.

“What should I do…?” I whispered to myself.

But while everyone were talking me being the class rep, a boy stayed silent all the time, getting my attention.

After that day, every now and then I would look at that boy, trying to see what he was doing. Most of the time he was alone and he would spend the free time reading something or even doing what should’ve be his homework. But the moments he would speak with someone else, he was always smiling.

“There’s should be a convenience store here...”, I said one morning before school. “Ah, it’s there!”, I started to speed my steps up but I stopped suddenly. “Isn’t he the boy from my class? His name is… Souma, right?”, I said to myself. “Oh, he is petting a cat...”

The time continued to pass and our interests started to change.

“Mei, I love you! Can you be my girlfriend?”, a boy from my class asked.

“Sorry, but I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now.”, I said.

“I can’t stop thinking about you! Would you be my girlfriend?”, another day, another boy asked.

“Sorry, but I can’t accept your feelings.”, another refusal of mine.

“I’ll do everything I can to make you happy! Please!”, and another…

“Sorry, but I have to refuse.”

And with good things, we always have the bad ones.

“Mei rejected Takahashi!”, I girl said.

“I saw him crying alone.”, another girl said.

“Who she thinks she is to reject him!?”, another one said.

“Mei, how many hearts you already break?”, a girl from my class asked.

“I’m not really counting...”

“Don’t you want a boyfriend?”

“I’m not interested in anyone yet...”

“Just take care of yourself, some envious girls are spreading bad rumors about you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

What could I do about that? Nothing. I wouldn't have the courage to act.

“Mei, aren’t you going to join any club?”, the teacher asked.

“A lot of clubs asked me to join them, but I never chose one.”

“You’re a great student, so you should join one. The school have high expectations from you.”

“I understand. I’ll think about it.”

In the end I chose to join the gardening club. I imagined that taking care of the plants would give me some time alone.

“Here your water.”, I whispered while watering a small garden I had planted. “It’s nice… to have some time for myself.”

And my life as a middle school student continued and continued, and one day…

“Aaaahhhh!”, I tripped and let a bunch of papers fall in the school’s corridor. “Oh no… I need to get them.”

“Are you alright? Let me help you.”, a boy said while crouching to get the papers.

“Oh? Ah, I’m fine. Thank you… huh...”, I couldn't finish, I was surprised because the boy was Souma from my class.

“Ah, my name is Souma Sugimito. I think it’s normal for you to not know my name.”, he finished with a small laugh.

“Ah, it’s not that! I know your name, I was just surprised!”, I said in panic.

“Really? I wasn’t expecting that.”

After that, he stayed in silence while grabbing the papers on the floor. I wanted to talk with him, but as someone who had never took the initiative to start a conversation, I didn’t know how to do that. And every time I tried to think about something, my shyness would stop me.

“Where are you going to take this?”, he asked after we got all the papers. He still holding a bunch of them.

“To the staff room in the second building.”

“Okay. I’ll go with you.”

“Ah, you don’t need to do that!”

“Don’t worry, let me help you.”

“Okay...”

We started to walk in silence towards my objective.

If I don’t say anything, I don’t know when I’ll have another opportunity like this one!

I was still fighting myself.

What should I say?

But I still couldn't think in anything.

Ah, just say something, Mei!

“Sugimito, do you have a cat?”, I finally said.

“Huh? No, why the question?”

“Ah, it’s… because I saw you petting a cat the other day. Near the convenience store.”

“What? You saw me? How embarrassing...”

“I don’t it’s something you should be embarrassed of.”, I said after a small laugh.

“That was a stray cat that likes me for some reason. So I normally always pet it when I coming to school. Ah, his name is Tama.”

“Tama? Is a really common name.”

“I didn’t thought much when naming him...”

“Oh...”

“Do you like cats, Mei?”

“Yes, I like cats and dogs, but I don’t have any. My family don’t want to keep a pet in our house.”

“I don’t have any pets too. But I think it would be nice to have one.”

“But a pet gives a lot of work and responsibilities.”

“Yeah, I know.”

We stayed silent for a moment, but Souma broke it. “Just a bit more and will arrive. But if you need help after this, you can ask me.”

“Ah, sure! I’ll do it!”, I said with a big smile.

Since that, every day I would greet Souma when he arrived at school. But it was just that. That day I broke the silence and started a conversation, but I couldn’t find that courage anymore. Still, Souma would I always greet me back and that would make me happy.

Why? Why something so small made me happy? I didn’t know why. As the day passed, I continued observing here from afar. I saw him staying until late studying at the school, I saw him laughing while he read a book, I saw him talking a lot with his friend, I saw him giving food to that cat…

Why I was so interested in him? I couldn't answer that. But one thing was very clear: If something like what happened that day never happens again, we’ll never speak with each other again. Souma was like me, never really taking the initiate to speak with someone who isn’t his friend if not necessary. But while he was mostly alone, I had numerous people around me, something Souma probably saw as barrier between us. If I don’t do anything, we will never really be friends.

And I never did. Because I’m a pathetic weak girl.

“Oh Mei, you are again at the top of your class!”, my mother said.

Please, stop.

“Our girl is our biggest pride!”, my father said.

Please, don’t be proud of me.

“Sister, you’re amazing!”, my brother said.

Please, don’t praise me.

“If you keep those grades in high school, you should have no problem in entering the college you end up choosing.”, my teacher said.

I’m not the amazing girl you think I am!

The seasons have come and gone. And soon, I was in high school.

As if it were the work of fate, I was once again in the same school and class as Souma. But it didn’t matter how much fate would help me, if I would never use those chances to make a change.

And nothing changed from middle school.

“That girl is beautiful!”, some girl said to another.

“Don’t you know her? She was pretty popular in the middle school!”, the other girl answered.

“I heard he rejected every single boy who confessed their feelings for her.”, another girl said.

“Maybe she thinks she is too perfect for them.”, and another girl said.

Hearing this was painful.

“Mei, I love you!”, a boy said.

“Sorry, but I don’t want a boyfriend right now.”

I didn’t like to reject them. It was always sad to see their heart being broken by me. I would prefer they would just stop.

But I did wonder why I never really fell in love. This should’ve be something normal for a girl at my age, right?

I was really stupid. A model student? Don’t me laugh. That doesn’t matter if I can’t see what is front of me.

Despite the bad things, I continued with my life and once again I joined the gardening club and continued to raise flowers in the school grounds while the time passed.

“Mei, as one of the best students from our school, I want you to start to think about your future. We need to make sure we find the best college for the career you want to pursue. The second year only started but it’s never early enough to prepare.”, my teacher said.

“I understand.”, I said while trying to hide my disinterest.

Something was wrong with me. Everyday I would feel more and more like something is missing from my life. I would look myself on the mirror and my face would be horrible. It was difficult to keeping the appearances.

What is the feeling? Why I feel a pain in my heart?

Not had really changed in my life. Yes, nothing would ever change. Looking back, I could say that my life was basically the same for years and years.

“Our little daughter is amazing!”, my mother said.

No, I’m not.

“She can achieve anything!”, my father said.

No, I can’t.

“You could tell me your secret, sister!”, my brother said jokingly.

There’s no secret besides my true self: A small and weak girl who can’t move forward by her own.

I thought I was doing a good job in hiding whatever was wrong with me, but one day when I was alone with Sakura during the activities of the gardening club, she showed me that I was wrong.

“Mei, for how long are you going to keep with this?”

“Keep with what?”

“You are not being yourself for some time already.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Please, don’t keep trying to hide this. I waited for a long time for you to seek my help and you never did, but I can’t just keep doing nothing while you continue to suffer alone.”

Waiting for me to ask for her help? I could never do that.

“Sorry, Sakura, but I don’t know myself.”

“What are you really feeling?”

“I don’t know how to put this in words… I’m feeling a pain in my heart, but I don’t know why.”

“Since when you are feeling this?”

“I don’t know. I just noticed this feeling one day… This emptiness...”

Sakura started to laugh.

“Why are you laughing?”

“I’m sorry! But I couldn’t help myself! I already imagined that would be this, but seeing you say this made everything too obvious!”

“Obvious? Do you know what is this?”

“Mei, you are in love.”

“What? No! I don’t even know what love is.”

“No one knows what love really is. But one day it will certainly appear in your heart!”

“But if it is love, why I’m feeling pain?”

“Because you want to be with someone but you can’t.”

“I want to be with someone…?”

“I’m your friend, so I can guess who is the lucky guy.”

“Who!?”

“It’s Souma from our class, right? You are always observing him!”

“What!? Souma? No, it can’t be… We rarely even chat...”

“Ah, you are so cute, Mei!”, Sakura hugged me. “I wish you could see your face right now, it’s red like a tomato!”

“I-It’s red!?”, I yelled in panic while trying to touch my face. “It can’t be...”

“It’s hard to believe that the Mei I know for so long, the girl who reject hundreds of men is finally in love!”

“Hundreds!?”

“Well, I said that but now you need to confirm it.”, Sakura said while releasing me. “And you can be sure that I’ll help you with your love!”

“Am I really in love...?”

“Mei, you need to be sincere with yourself. If it’s truly love, after you admit it, you not only remove that pain from your heart, but you start to see the world with different colors! So, Mei, what your heart says to you?”

“My heart...”

I touched my chest and I could feel it, my heart was racing like never before. And thinking about being with Souma made my heart beat even faster.

“Ah, so this is love...”, I said.

“So cute!”, Sakura hugged me again.

“Please, Sakura, people are starting to look at us!”

“I don’t care, you’re too cute right now! Forget Souma, be my girlfriend!”

“What!?”

“It’s a joke! It’s a joke!”

“It’s not a good moment for jokes...”

“Now, I won’t tell you should confess your feelings to him right now.”, Sakura said releasing me again. “You finally understood your feelings, so let’s keep with our lives for now and use that time to think better about it. But I’m sure you’ll feel a lot better!”

“Thanks, Sakura. For helping me… for being my friend.”

“You don’t have to say that. And when the time come for you to confess your feelings, I’ll be there to help you!”

After that, I never felt so happy as I do now.

So this is what she meant with ‘see the world with different colors!’

The means comments by people I didn’t know didn’t matter anymore.

The praises I didn’t deserved didn’t make me mad with myself.

And now, I had a true answer to reject the feelings of the boys who confessed to me.

“Mei, I really like you! I want to be your boyfriend!”, a boy said.

“Sorry, but I already love someone else.”, I answered.

“What!?”

I was happy. Every day was a good day. And the people closer to me started to notice.

“Mei, you seems pretty happy recently, something good happened?”, a girl asked while we were in a cafe with other friends from school.

“Ah, it’s true! And I heard a strange rumor about you!”, another girl said.

“Rumor?”, I asked.

“Oh, the last guy you rejected said that you rejected him because you are already in love with someone else!”, another girl said.

“Is that true!?”, a bunch of girls asked at the same time.

“No, it was just an excuse to reject him.”, I said.

I can’t just say to everyone that I’m love with Souma.

But this happiness wouldn't last long. Because there’s a difference in being in love and have your love accepted by the one you love. But my weakness attacked again and I couldn’t take the next step.

Soon I was feeling pain again. And I started to press myself into confessing my feelings. But fear started to eat my heart.

In my life, I had rejected the feelings of numerous boys, including friends. And the pain they showed after being rejected…

I’m scared. Scared of being rejected. Did all those boys felt the same? And even so they chose to confess their feelings?

Some of my friends who confessed to me never talked with me again after I rejected them. And while my relationship with Souma right now isn’t of close friends, I don’t want to see him never answering my ‘good mornings’ again.

No matter how much time passed, I continued to be the same weak girl as I always have been.

“Mei, won’t you confess your feelings for Souma?”, Sakura asked during another club activity.

“I want to… but I’m scared…”

“But you’ll never know his answer if you don’t try to ask him!”

“But… But…! If he rejects me...”

“If everyone would let their fears control their lives, no one would ever move forward! No couple would ever be together!”

“Sakura… I’m not strong. Look at me, I’m pathetic.”

“Don’t say that! You’re amazing, Mei! I know a lot of people envy you, but I think I could never live like you! All those people always around you, all those expectations, I would crumble under that! But you keep supporting that!”

“I’m not amazing… I can’t even move forward by myself…”

“If you can’t move forward by yourself, you should ask the help of your friends! Ask my help! That’s what friends are for! To help one another!”

“Sakura...”, tears started to flow from my eyes. “Sakura...”

“Yes, I’m here. What do you want Mei?”

“Sakura...”, I was crying. “Sakura...”, but I couldn't say the words.

Why can’t I move forward? Why can’t I bring any change to my life?

“I’m here, Mei. Please, speak with me.”

“Sakura...”

I can’t keep like this forever.

“Sakura...”

I want to be stronger…

“Sakura...”

I want to at least try!

“...help me!”

I said it! It was something so small, but it meant the world for me. I was finally moving forward. Even if it was only a very small step.

“Sure, I’ll help you.”, she hugged me.

After I finally stopped crying she asked me: “What do you want to do, Mei?”

“I don’t know… I can’t really just force myself to speak with Souma right now.”

“If you are having difficult to approach him, why not make him go to you?”

“Make him go after me?”

“Yes. Let’s make something really basic, Mei.”

“What?”

“Let’s write a love letter. Let’s write your feelings! That will make you feel better!”

“A love letter...”

“So, let’s go!”, she said pulling me by my right hand.

“Go? Where?”

“Huh? Let’s write that letter right now! I’ll help you!”

Normally I would reject that, but now I didn’t say anything and just let Sakura guide me.

We went to an empty classroom to write the letter. Sakura stayed beside me all the time, reading what I was writing and giving her opinions. Sometimes I wouldn’t know how to continue and she would help me.

And after a good time, we finally finished the letter.

“Oh, you really did it, Mei! It’s great!”

“You reading it makes me really embarrassed...”

“It’s nice to see your true feelings!”

“I must confess I feel better after putting them into words.”

“Now, bring it tomorrow inside an envelope.”

“Okay, I’ll do that.”

I really did that, but when coming to school, thinking about finally revealing my feelings today was making me tremble.

Am I really not ready yet?

My heart was racing and fear was starting to consume my heart again.

Why? Why does this keep happening?

And then, I stopped. I didn’t want to go to school. And feeling like this was making me want to cry.

I thought I had finally moved forward! Why am I still wanting to stay in the same place!?

I wanted Souma to know my feeling, but I still didn’t want to be rejected.

Why, Mei!? Why are you so afraid of even trying!?

My weakness was conquering me and I was ready to return home, but someone called me.

“Mei, what happened?”

I was Sakura who was in her way to school too.

“Sakura… I can’t do that. I can’t deliver the letter.”

“Mei, please, control yourself. Let’s go to school first, I won’t force you to deliver the letter! But please, don’t run away.”

“Sure. I’ll do it… If I run away after asking for your help, I wouldn’t forgive myself.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

During the lunch break, we came with an excuse to be away from everyone else so we could speak alone.

“Mei, are you sure about not wanting to give the letter to Souma?”

“I’m sorry Sakura… After you helped me write that letter, I can’t give the last step forward.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, it’s fine.”

“Fine? But nothing changed! I still can’t confess my feelings!”

“Mei, you already did the first step.”

“Huh?”

“That letter is your first step, and I’m sure you’ll do the next one.”

“How can you be so certain of that? I’m weak… I can’t do that!”

“Because I won’t let you not do that!”

“What?”

“You asked my help, and I’ll make sure you’ll keep going. I won’t let you keep that feelings hid forever because you’ll regret it later!”

“But...”

“Mei! There’s still time! It’s summer now, so I’ll give you until the next spring to make your move.”

“And if I don’t do it?”

“I’ll go to Souma and tell to him how you feel.”

“No! If you do that...”

“Yes, I don’t like it. Souma would probably be happier if you say that yourself. But I won’t let you continue to suffer.”

“I understand… I accept that.”

“There’s no come back now. During the club activities later, let’s do something nice with that letter.”

“What?”

“You’ll see.”

During the club activities, Sakura and I went to a place where I would plant some flowers. She had a small wooden box with her.

“Give me the letter.”, she said.

“Here.”, I gave the letter to her.

She put the letter inside the box.

“Now, let’s dig a hole.”

“Huh? Okay.”

After the hole was finished, Sakura put the box inside it.

“Now, we’ll close it and you’ll plant the flowers on top of it.”, Sakura said.

“I’m not understanding...”

“With the letter here, you won’t destroy it by mistake. And when you are finally ready to tell your feelings to him, the letter will always be here waiting for you. And if you don’t do that… Next spring, when the flowers appear in full bloom, I will take the letter and give it to Souma myself. Understood?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“So, let’s finish this.”

While I was still angry with myself, a part of me was curious to see how those flowers would grow, after being nourished with my feelings under them. But I silent promised myself that I would deliver that letter before Sakura had to do it for me.

I was returning home after the club activities. And I was feeling a lot better and I was using my phone.

“Huh… I need to send a message to...”

Something caught my attention. Across the street, a girl was talking with a boy.

“Oh, that’s Naoto, the popular guy from my class. Huh? They’re kissing!”

Seeing that, made me imagine me kissing Souma.

“What am I imagining!? Ah, he is looking at me! How embarrassing! I’ll just go away.”

After I got some distance, I said to myself: “My heart is beating fast! What is this feeling? Why Souma keeps appearing in my head?!”

The next day, I went to school as normal. The heaviness I was feeling yesterday had disappeared.

Good, I can continue with my life. But I need to prepare myself to deliver the letter!

At school, Naoto went to speak with me outside the classroom.

“Mei, about yesterday...”

When he said that, I remembered the kiss, and once again I imagined me kissing Souma.

Keep yourself together, Mei!

“Ah! That? You don’t need to worry, I won’t tell anyone about that. So, if you excuse me...”, I went away trying to hide my face that was surely red.

If I keep acting like this, I think I’ll be able to deliver that letter soon!

I was trying to think positively.

But after the lunch break, something I would never expect happened: I found a love letter on my desk. But it wasn’t any normal love letter, it was signed with an ‘s’…

‘S’ from Souma, right?

I looked at him with my face all red.

The way it’s written, with him asking to not tell anyone else about it because it was very difficult for him have courage to write the letter... And he wants to speak about the letter this night… And I’m sure I heard Souma talking about today being the day he would study in school… So it has to be Souma!

I couldn’t describe this feeling… I was beyond happy. I failed in trying to confess my feelings for him, fearing he would reject me, but if he feels the same way as me, I just need to accept his love!

I’m the happiest girl in the world right now!

But I couldn’t let that show yet.

Souma is timid like me and I want to respect his wishes. Tomorrow I can give the good news to everyone! Sakura will be so happy! I can’t wait for tonight.

The night arrived. I left my home in a hurry.

I’m so happy!

I dashed across the night without a care in the world.

Do I deserve this happiness?

I arrived at the school and my heart felt like it would explode. But it didn’t matter, I would finally tell Souma that I love him.

While crossing the schoolyard, I saw that the lights on my classroom were still on.

He is really here!

I couldn't contain myself and rushed upstairs going to the promised place: The rooftop.

He is waiting for me beyond this door!

I took a deep breath and opened the door. On the other side, someone was waiting for me under the night sky.

Please, be him!

“Hello, is that you, Souma?”, I asked while approaching the guy.

Then, I felt an excruciating pain in my belly.

What is happening? What is this?

I couldn’t even yell. My vision started to get blurry. Memories of my life started to flash in front of my eyes. Than I saw him, Souma was there, smiling in front of me.

Souma, I love you.

I stretched my arms trying to catch him, but I ended up grabbing the railings.

And there, I died.