CHAPTER 11

At dawn, the sun's rays brought back visibility by dissipating the heavy fog that had fallen over the area, and, as before, the day promised many hours of daylight.

After breakfast, Lÿarah and Alex hurried to break camp and put all the luggage back on the Gruoh to continue their journey.

The young man slept with difficulty, but it wasn't because of the almost unbearable cold, even with the heat from the Mana-charged stone; it was because, for the first time in his life, he had slept next to a woman. Obviously, the fact that she was far enough away didn't matter. Having spent the night in the same room as her disturbed his mind. That would be a taboo in Mu; a non-consanguineous man and woman sharing the same quarters overnight would certainly be punishable.

As if that wasn't enough, the morning sun's rays falling on her hair highlighted her natural beauty. He had never paid attention to her features and traits before, but in that moment, it seemed as if a blindfold had been removed from his eyes. He realized that she was, undoubtedly, very beautiful.

“You are very beautiful,” he said naturally.

“Excuse me?” she said, surprised. “Where did that come from?”

Alex realized the foolishness he had committed. It had been so spontaneous, completely unplanned. He feared he had offended her. Could she leave him there in the middle of the ice desert as punishment for such audacity?

“I... mean... I just... paid... a sincere compliment,” he stammered.

Lÿarah blushed. She felt so awkward that she turned her face the other way and focused on finishing tying the knot that secured the luggage to the Gruoh.

“Thank you...” she said awkwardly. “No one has ever told me that before.”

Then it was Alex's turn to be surprised.

“Are you serious?”

“I mean... apart from my father... no one has ever said that to me.”

“Well... then I'm saying it. I... I think you're very beautiful.”

She blushed again.

“Thank you, but that's enough.” She scowled at him, a clear sign that he was about to cross a boundary. “After all, you're not courting me.”

“Or are you?” Lÿarah asked, concerned.

“Me? Relax... it was a sincere... compliment. That's all.”

She looked at him the same way she had when they first met, as if studying every millimeter of his body.

“But why haven't you been courted?” His curiosity outweighed his common sense. The question itself was terrible in every way and should never have been asked.

But just like a fired arrow, a spoken word cannot be taken back.

Lÿarah, though embarrassed, decided to answer.

“I am classified as 'untouchable' or 'saint'. Courting me is a taboo for any man in my tribe. Not that I was interested in any of them, but regardless, none of them would or ever will court me.”

“Saint?”

“Yeah. The same as 'separated'. I chose the path of the sword, an exclusively male profession, and by doing so, I gave up my femininity according to my people's customs. No man would have the tribe's blessing to marry me if he wanted to, unless I abandoned the sword.”

“Well, I would court you if I were free to choose that. They're the ones losing out, not you. You're an incredible woman. I've learned to admire you a lot.”

Once again, Alex realized, too late, that he had been much too sincere.

Lÿarah would have stuck her own head in the snow if she could. Alex noticed she felt awkward, but unlike what he imagined, she made no move to kill him. And that was already a good sign.

What if he “pushed” it just a little more? Was he on the edge of this boundary she had deemed impassable?

Common sense, apparently, was never Alex's strong suit.

“They labeled you that way because, deep down, no man would have the courage to risk failing to subjugate a woman who, surely, would be stronger than him,” Alex spoke in an exalting tone towards her.

Lÿarah was so charmed by that that she even smiled.

“Deep down... I always knew that. The role of women in my people is very clear, but I never fit into it.”

Alex agreed, nodding affirmatively.

“And to top it off, I would never marry a man who was weaker than me.” She grew annoyed by the smile on his face; it made everything seem like flirtation. “Just to dissuade you, in case this absurd idea crossed your mind.”

“No, I didn't consider it... I just said that if I could, I would, but I know I can't.”

Lÿarah was confused by his response. She thought that saying something like that so lightly meant he was either a fool or extremely brave, but no less of an idiot for it.

“Yeah, you really can't.”

“You know, the difference in how marriages are celebrated in our peoples is abysmal. I'm amazed at how things work for you. People are free to choose who they marry and bear the weight of that for the rest of their lives, but it's a choice based more on emotions than on rationality or even data. It's bizarre to think that if you fail in your choice, you'll have to deal with it; you won't be able to hold anyone else accountable.”

“What's bizarre is involving numbers in something that obviously shouldn't be calculated with a formula, because there is no precision and absolutely no certainty in matters of the heart.”

“And what does the heart have to do with it? Doesn't it just serve to pump blood?”

“It's a metaphor. We say the heart rules emotions because it changes its beats depending on what we feel, but obviously I know the brain is responsible for that.”

“Ah yes, a figure of speech.” Alex shrugged. “Well, I thought the marriages arranged by the Temple of Exactness were easier to deal with than the rituals and ceremonialism of courtship among your people.”

“Easy? Your relationship has no love. It's mechanical, a proper obligation,” Lÿarah protested.

“Regarding love, we only know the paternal kind... the relationship between men and women is like an obligation—a social contract. Everyone must fulfill their previously decided roles. But, depending on the situation, these arrangements aren't very different from your people's, Lÿarah.”

“Excuse me? Are you telling me they're the same? How?”

“Well, some women, from what I've realized, don't have the right to choose in your tribe. If a man decides a woman will be his, he can take her through a challenge. And he can even fight against her, like what happened with you...”

“My case was an exception. And Siegfried didn't want to marry me. He wanted me in his harem as a concubine. A servant to satisfy his flesh. Just that and only that.”

“Yes, but in the case of other women, the challenge involves her father, or brother, or other suitors, right? If the challenger wins, he gets the prize, in this case, the woman. So it's an imposed marriage. In that sense, it's close to the arranged marriages of my people.”

“I ordered that in my tribe, this would no longer be a reality. If it isn't by the free will of both, this union will not be imposed on either of them.”

“Yes, what you did is commendable. But still, this freedom is frightening. It places even more responsibility on people's shoulders.”

“People can deal with it. It's lighter than strangers deciding how your life should be, down to the minutiae.”

“It's difficult for us, being so distinct, to understand each other's culture perfectly.”

“I really can't understand your people's customs... this idea of the lifestyle in Mu being like that, without freedom, is terrifying. The predictability, the routine, the lack of surprises, challenges, and adversities is... how can I put it? Mortifying, I suppose.”

“That brought security; it freed us from worries and anxieties... in a way, the routine, the monotony were expected.”

“I don't know how to live like that, not after growing up free, even to choose a different role than the one imposed on me because of my gender. I like the feeling of not knowing the future, deciding things for myself, and taking responsibility for it. I love the idea of not knowing how I'll be 10, 20 years from now, or even if I'll even be alive after all that time.”

“Yeah, your lifestyle is terrifying too. But freedom really does seem to be an addictive thing, being so intense.”

“Now, you surprise me, Alex,” Lÿarah said emphatically.

“Me? Why?”

“You say you worry about the weight of choices, but you took the action you did. The most drastic one among your people, I imagine: self-exile. And that's because you didn't agree with the decisions others made for you regarding your life.”

“Yeah... You see... I have some difficulty dealing with...”

“You dare to flee in a ship into the unknown, but you feared an arranged marriage with a woman you didn't know.”

“Many things happened before that... before I took that impulsive action.” He sighed tiredly.

“Believe me, it was pure despair.”

“What do you mean? But didn't you say yourself that there is no anxiety or fear if you follow without questioning what was previously decided by The Mathematician?”

“In theory, yes...”

“Wait, so is there room for errors in the designs received by the citizens of Mu?”

“Our faith claims that the Designs are infallible, but tragedies, accidents, illnesses, and deaths happen to people who, at some point, were lax, negligent, or didn't follow orders to the letter. The main pillar of our faith is that if someone respects and fulfills their Designs literally, without deviations, their days will be safe and without surprises. Since misfortunes were common in my life, I was seen as a reckless slacker, and that's why I was stigmatized.”

“Look, that's actually a very efficient manipulation tool,” Lÿarah stated. “After all, if everything goes well, the credit goes to The Mathematician. If something goes wrong, the blame falls entirely on the faithful who is then seen as reckless and therefore worthy of receiving 'divine' punishment, right?”

“It never crossed my mind that it was a form of manipulation.”

“Because you were conditioned not to question or even think about these points. It's not your fault,” Lÿarah consoled him. “You just had to accept it. Now, tell me, did this reality of unconcern not work for you, by any chance, because you were considered a reckless slacker?”

“Yeah... that was exactly it. As I said, I was stigmatized,” Alex said, looking down. “And that is the most miserable state someone can reach before being exiled by the Executioners.”

“Were you suffering some kind of social exclusion, becoming a pariah and segregated?”

“Yes, I think it was worse than that. My presence caused revulsion in everyone. The more faithful a person was to the Designs, the more aversion they exuded toward me.”

“I'm sorry... but why did that happen?”

“I was always very attentive to the Designs. I never failed to fulfill them and followed them to the letter. And much of that was due to... my mother, one of the greatest devotees of The Mathematician I know.” Alex felt the weight of his words to the point of almost choking. “But... everything suddenly changed when there was a minor accident at the large carpentry shop where I worked.”

“An accident?”

“Nothing serious; it didn't leave any physical scars, but everyone started saying that this misfortune only happened to me because I gave chance and bad luck the opportunity to enter my life, probably due to some carelessness that I supposedly committed while executing, or failing to execute, the Designs. I was treated hostilely, even by my own mother. I became isolated because everyone started to believe that chance and bad luck would also surround anyone who associated with me. I was branded a slacker and a questioner.”

“To make matters worse,” Alex continued, “sudden changes of plans were seen as a bad omen, a bad sign that only befell those who didn't faithfully follow the Designs. That is, for people supposedly like me. Being chosen for a hasty engagement only made my popularity plummet further. I started living as the target of constant demands and surveillance and... in a moment of despair, I took that reckless action. I didn't think much... running away was all I could think about. I didn't measure the consequences.”

“And all this because of an accident that hadn't left any scars or major damage? People started treating you badly just because you were a victim?”

“According to the faith, you only become a victim or go through hardships if you're a transgressor of the Designs. It's quite cruel and simplistic at the same time.”

Lÿarah sighed in disappointment.

“And your mother didn't help you?”

“On the contrary... as I said before, she's a fanatic for The Mathematician. She was the first to point the finger at me. She said that I, like my late brother, had disgraced the family name. When someone is stigmatized, their entire kinship also becomes the target of suspicion and surveillance.”

“You know... I think I understand you now... maybe I would have done the same thing. Despair gives us a courage we would never have in normal situations.”

“Yeah...”

Everything was ready. The Gruoh was already prepared to continue the journey.

“I'm sorry... About everything that happened to you, Alex. You know, do you still intend to go back, even so? Now that you've run away, your situation might have gotten a bit worse, right?”

“I... I'm worried... afraid... but I also know I don't have the aptitude to survive among your people... I might become a burden. At least in Mu I understand the game; it's my culture... but I confess I have no idea what my future will be.”

“You're not forced to do this if you don't want to.”

“I want to do it... You saved me, Lÿarah. You took me in... and I like your people, even though they're so different... And I owe you this; besides, of course, I think it's a huge injustice for you to be left outside the walls, exposed to nature's hostilities. It would be very childish of me to think everything will be resolved if you go in there. Unlike you, who welcome the stranger in a strange land... my people won't be hospitable at all. They are two opposite lifestyles that I highly doubt can coexist peacefully. But I think I owe you this; we must at least try.”

Lÿarah smiled as she settled into her saddle and ordered the Gruoh to start marching.

“You know... you are much more than you imagine yourself to be. Even with your limitations, you are showing yourself to be very brave. I won't forget this.”

“Thank you, Lÿarah,” Alex said, also smiling.

“Let's get moving, and in three hours we'll let the Gruoh rest and hunt for something.”

“Agreed. Let's go then!”