A prison of her own making

The rest of the journey to Varsey was uneventful. They got out of the forest as quickly as they were able to, still on their guards, but nothing else attacked them. As the town came into view on the horizon, the smaller road they were walking on joined with a bigger one outside. Merchants and other travelers who wanted to enjoy the festivities started popping up in the distance.

Ceres flew down from Helia’s head to allow her to cover her hair with the hood of her cloak. Her shining silver hair was definitely helpful to attract listeners, but it also attracted lots of unwanted attention. She understood it when children stared, and she didn’t mind. But she never knew how to react when adults looked at her as if she was some sort of monster.

Ceres sat on her shoulder, humming the tune of one of her songs. She was singing alongside him when a couple of merchants on a carriage caught up to her, and offered to give them a lift to Varsey on the condition that they kept singing. Although embarrassed, Helia happily obliged.

They arrived in the afternoon, some time before sunset. The small town was buzzing with activity, with people either coming in, or working hard to decorate and prepare everything.

“We have to take our merchandise to the kitchen, so this is where we’ll leave you”, said one of the merchants with a smile, helping Helia step down from the carriage.

“Your singing was really lovely, hopefully we can listen to you again during the festivities”, added the other one while her partner nodded in agreement.

“Thank you so much for your generosity. Please come see me perform later”, she answered as she waved them goodbye.

“Now we just have to find a spot”, said Ceres.

They both turned their attention to the town. It was a relatively small settlement, comprised mostly of modest, but nice, houses made of wood. The only visible exceptions were the church and what was probably the Lord’s house. A thin stone wall enveloped it entirely, with the only entrance being connected to the outside world through the road they had taken. Two older men seemed to be guarding it, through the day being what it was, they were being pretty lax.

Helia decided to walk towards the church. As with any town, the church was sitting on a big plaza, surrounded by shops, restaurants and inns. Usually, this would also be where one could find the market, and there were indeed some stalls, but today, they were there for the celebration. Small carriages full of freshly made food sat on the road between the plaza and the Lord’s house. Busy looking people transported the dishes to the stalls, where cooks were setting everything up to be served later in the evening.

Tables and chairs had been set up almost everywhere, leaving only a big space in the center of the plaza, where a bonfire was being prepared, surrounded by space presumably fit for dancing. A stage sat on front of the church, with a majestic table looking down on the whole thing. There was still place left for performers, but of course, it would be ones chosen by the Lord, not an unknown traveling bard.

The whole town seemed to be helping set the party up. There were many wearing different uniforms, probably part of the guard, the church, or the Lord’s personnel. But many more looked like just regular people. She saw an elder woman accompanied by a firefly Spirit made of dazzling red rubies, lighting candles up with her Handling. A young couple, arguing about how to best hang little colorful flags up between the stalls. Children running around, playing, while a serious looking maid scolded them, which only made them laugh harder. A group of three was struggling to carry a heavy-looking table, so she went to help them.

“Let me take this”, she blurted out, quickly holding the fourth side of the table, which was tipping over and leaving marks on the ground as they carried it.

“Oh, thank you, miss. Careful, it’s very heavy!”, answered a jovial blond man.

“It’s fine, please allow me”, as she talked, she summoned the Wind, streaming upwards from the ground and into the table.

“Well then! You’re a Handler, I see! That is indeed very helpful!”, the man laughed, surprised. The others nodded in agreement. They carried the table to the stage and put it next to the others, closing the gap at the back.

Afterwards, Helia turned around to look at the plaza. She had never performed on a stage, yet. Her heart raced just thinking about it. It was easy to disappear when things went bad and she was just on a street, but there would be no escape from a place like this. When you are on a stage, everyone’s attention is on you. This was both what she wanted most, and what terrified her most.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”, the voice of the man startled her back into reality. “Everyone is working hard together, and then everyone will get to enjoy a wonderful moment together.”

“Indeed”, Helia nodded, smiling.

“Thank you for your help, and thank you to your Spirit, too”, he said, bowing his head respectfully when referring to Ceres. “So, what brings you to Varsey? Here to enjoy some free food and drinks?”

“No, I mean, yes, that too, of course, but really”, she paused a second to breathe before continuing. “I thought it would be a good opportunity to perform. I’m a bard, you see.”

He nodded in understanding. “Taking a chance to survey the stage before it’s time?”

“Oh, no, no, not at all, no, I was actually looking for a spot on the plaza when I spotted you”, she shook her head and her hands, embarrassed. “Maybe next year…”, she added, softly.

“A hustler, eh? I like that!”, he exclaimed, tapping her on her back with too much strength. “I’ll be sure to bring everyone to see you later, as a thank you”.

The man winked as he left the stage, where Helia took a few more seconds to compose herself, and was promptly pushed around and forced to leave by several annoyed people carrying chairs.

Slowly, but surely, the Sun disappeared behind the horizon, and the whole town was shaking with anticipation of the upcoming party. With the approval of a disinterested guard, Helia had been able to claim a nice open spot in front of a closed shop, not far from the end of the food stalls. The nearest one served amazingly smelling desserts, which she hoped would help attract people to where she was.

She had changed into her performing clothes. Her usual traveling outfit was comfortable and unremarkable, on purpose. It consisted of leather pants and boots, a white shirt, and a long, hooded cloak, and it was perfect to walk in for extended periods of time. In contrast, her performance outfit was the absolute opposite, demanding the attention of passers-by.

With her modest income, she had been able to afford a smooth, shimmering white fabric, which she had sewn into a short dress. The short skirt had several layers and created a beautiful visual effect whenever she twirled around. The bodice was sleeveless and closed at her neck, but she also had attached puffy long sleeves to two silver armlets, as well as some additional fabric that hang from it, flowing in the wind. Some of Ceres' fallen feathers, plus various silvery trinkets and brooches she had been collecting, completed the look.

For now, she couldn’t afford other shoes, so she wore her regular boots, and hoped no one would think less of her for it. She took her hair out of her cloak and brushed it into submission. Luckily, Ceres' antics hadn’t ruined her waves too much, and the frizziness disappeared with some water. As if to beg for her forgiveness, the culprit brought her hair accessory from her bag, which she had made using more of his feathers and some dried flowers.

With the last rays of sunshine having disappeared, the Lord appeared on stage, accompanied by a little girl dressed in an extravagant blue dress. Everyone on the plaza quickly stopped talking.

“Ahem, hello, hello, everyone, and welcome”, he said, his voice resonating through the silence. “For those who have traveled from afar to join us, my name is Lord Deuvale. Today, we celebrate another year together. We eat, we drink, and we dance, in honor of my beautiful girl. Happy birthday, Marie!”

The whole town repeated after him, “Happy birthday, Marie!”, among cheers and applause. The little girl was beaming with joy and waving at everyone. Several Handlers came together to light up the bonfire, and with that, the party was officially on.

With a long exhale, Helia took her lyre from her backpack and readied herself. She loved singing. She was just going to sing, and she loved that. Everything else was not important.

So, she sung. But there was a surprised cheer on the other side of the plaza just as some people had started to notice her. A handful of performers had just gotten on stage, followed by a matching number of Spirits. After bowing to the Lord and his daughter, they started performing an impossible, magical dance. The crowd's attention was enraptured by them. How was she supposed to compete with that?

For a second, it was as if she could see herself from outside of her body. Just a girl, dressed in such a strange manner, singing to no one in the middle of the street. She could feel embarrassment overpowering her, but she refused to let it stop her. Her fingers shaking on her lyre, her voice lower volume than she would like, but she would keep on. She felt a soft breeze on her hair, gleaming in the light of the bonfire.

The end of her own song somehow took her by surprise. She bowed, even if no one had been listening. And yet, she heard soft applause. Confused, Helia raised her head, and she saw the woman who was tending to the dessert stall applauding and smiling at her. The people tending to other close stalls started looking in her direction too, interested. She smiled back and prepared herself for her next song.

For a while, she sung for those who could not properly enjoy the festivities. They could not leave their spots, they could not dance and celebrate, but every time a song was done, they gave her applause and encouragement. As the night went on, and more people came to the dessert stalls, her audience grew. They did not stay long, after all, the party was elsewhere, but they all seemed to enjoy her performance. She got a few tips, and someone even brought her a piece of cake.

“Ah, there you are, little miss Handler! You were hiding well!”, a beaming voice that she recognized emerged from the crowd. It was the people she had helped earlier, surrounded by their wives, husbands, and children. “I almost didn’t recognize you with your hair out!”

She finished her current song, earning herself more applause and some more coins.

“Thank you for coming to see me”, she said, taking this moment to catch her breath as well.

“No, thank you!” said another one of those she had helped, a strong looking woman who three children clung to. They looked at her intently, mesmerized by her shining hair. “We were being stubborn, trying to carry that huge table all by ourselves. We could have gotten injured. So, this is the least we can do.”

They all nodded in agreement while their partners seemed exasperated. This was probably not the first time they had done something of the sort, and it would surely not be the last.

Even surrounded by an audience bigger than what she was used to, amongst the laughter and friendliness, Helia felt at ease. They were kind, and they had come to see her, so the least she could do was give them a proper spectacle.

“In that case, allow me to properly present myself”, she said, putting her lyre back and giving them a theatrical bow. “My name is Helia Aer, songstress of the Moon, Handler of the wind Spirit Ceres”, as she finished speaking, Ceres landed on her arm creating a soft wind to make her hair sway dramatically, just like they had rehearsed.

The group gave her another short round of applause as she stood up straight. She then took another instrument from her backpack, much to Ceres' surprise. A long flute, made of light brown wood.

“Are you sure?”, asked Ceres in her mind. He knew how much she had been practicing this new routine, but he also knew she felt she wasn’t ready. He strongly disagreed, though.

“If not now, when?”, she answered in a soft voice only he could hear. She turned around and faced her small audience once again.

“A flute?” asked the man who seemed to be the leader of this particular group. “I thought you were a singer, little miss Handler!”

“I am”, she answered, smiling mysteriously. “But, as you said, I’m also a Handler.”

As she finished speaking, a soft breeze started blowing around her, playing with her outfit and her long locks. She let the flute go, eliciting a gasp from the audience. But the Wind held it firm in the air, and a melody started playing. The first notes flew around her, and she sang once again.

No one noticed how terrified she was, except Ceres, who was accompanying her in her performance, chirping some notes of his own, and dancing in the Wind around her. He remembered clearly the first time she had had this idea, how excited she had been. How much she had struggled to save enough to buy a flute, training with branches in the meantime. How she had to figure out how to play it on her own, first, knowing only the lyre and keyboard beforehand.

“It’s impossible! I will never be able to do it! What a waste of money!”, he remembered how she had despaired. Day after day, week after week, in between performances, writing songs, and offerings to Their Master, she tried to play a flute without touching it.

She pulled the flute out of the Wind she had summoned. The grating sound it had been emitting until then stopped suddenly, quickly replaced by the cheerful melody Helia produced using it by herself.

Ceres got up from the nest he had made for himself on top of her backpack and flew to her, landing on her shoulder as she finished playing.

“Why do you say that?”, he inquired. “You clearly know how to play that instrument by now. So, just play it.”

“If it was that easy, I would just do it! I don’t know why I thought I could do it with Handling, the whole idea is stupid”, she said, looking at the flute as if it were her worst enemy.

“It really is that easy”, he retorted. “You play it by creating wind with your mouth, which you let out of the hole of your choosing. There is no reason you shouldn’t be able to do that with Handling. You’re the one who told me that the first time, and every time afterwards, until you got your hands on the damn thing.”

His tone was meant to rile her up, that was his intention. He had been using the flute to train her further. Not surprisingly, she responded really well to it when music was involved. But, as usual, she was her own biggest challenge to overcome.

Ceres had been there with His Master when she noticed Helia for the first time. He had seen her, her Soul. She had withstood their Pact with ease and risen from her ashes more powerful than ever. But some wounds run deep, and take more than a few months to heal.

“You’re right”, Ceres looked at her with hope as she spoke. “It’s me. I’m the problem. I can’t even do something as easy as this. I’m sorry to be such a useless Handler.”

The ember of frustration he was feeling became a burning rage. One day, he would find those who had made her feel like she was anything else than magnificent. And he would make them pay. But, in the meantime, this was all he could do.

“Listen to me”, he said, his voice echoing loudly in her heart. With a flash of light, he assumed his true form. “I am the Great Spirit Ceres. I am the Wind that carries the song of the world into the hearts of the people. And you are Helia Aer, songstress of the Moon, my Handler.”

She looked at him, speechless.

“I am the breeze that blows on your hair. I am the air you breathe. I am the wind you blow with your lips when you play your flute. And I am your partner, not your enemy.”

With a single beat of his wings, the flute starting floating once again in front of Helia. She closed her eyes and focused on the sound and feeling of the Wind. On the rhythm of her own breathing. On the presence of Ceres, his other half. She took her hands to her face, and imagined she was playing the flute.

One note. Two notes. Three notes were all it took for Helia to lose focus. But those were just the first three notes of many.

After that day, he had seen her train many times. Eventually, she could do it without mimicking the notes with her fingers, and then, she could sing while doing it. Until this moment, only Ceres had witnessed this performance. She didn’t even dare offer it to the Moon. “It’s not ready”, she would say. But what she meant was, “I’m not ready.”

For some people these things come easy. They dare do anything, try anything. They do not care who is watching, or not watching, or what the result may be. Others are not so lucky to be so free, outside of cages they make for themselves. Fear of failure, shame, judgement, anxiety, trauma, are deep wounds that can trap even the most beautiful of birds, now unable to fly.

He was grateful to the people of Varsey. He didn’t know if this was what the town was always like, or if it was because of the free food and alcohol, but that didn’t change the result. Thanks to their kindness, Helia had been able to push herself. So, for them, he also gave it his all.

As the song finished, Ceres caught the flute in his beak and brought it to Helia, who took it and bowed to her audience with a flourish. She was feeling exhausted, shaking, sweating, but above all, she felt proud. Today, she had done something that yesterday she thought she wasn’t capable of doing.

For a second, nothing happened. The distant sound of the bonfire creaking, people talking on stage, the Lord’s booming laughter, followed by the echoes of more. Then, someone started applauding. Following by someone else, and another, and another, until everyone in front of her was clapping and cheering her on.

She blushed, suddenly realized there were many more people around than before. Even the dessert lady had left her stall to give her a tip. More curious party-goers started coming closer to see what the fuss was all about.

Helia felt Ceres talons squeezing her shoulder, encouraging her. This was her chance. Time for the next song.

Except, Ceres' gesture was not meant to encourage her. She sensed it too, almost at the same time as she heard his words inside her head.

“It’s coming.”

At some point, the faraway laughter had turned into screaming.