Failed Son

I opened my pocket watch.I couldn't see the time. Maybe twelve. Maybe one in the morning.Cold rain fell through the night.Everyone sat in a circle beneath a tent, with only one lantern between us. Its weak light barely reached our faces.I looked at Umang.He thought for a moment.A small smile formed on his face, but there was guilt behind it.“Umang,” I said, “speak. We don't judge.”He looked down.“I was born into a middle-class family. I didn't listen to my parents. I played, broke things, wasted time... but I helped when I could.”He paused.“I should have spent my time better. But I didn't.”The rain continued tapping against the tent.“Some years passed, and my father died in the war.”Umang's voice became quieter.“That was the moment I understood how easy life had been when Papa was with me.”He looked at his hands.“For the first time, I saw my family through different eyes. I understood everything.”He swallowed.“But I wasn't ready. Or maybe I was simply running away from my responsibilities.”He took a breath.“I got a job at a factory, but I hadn't learned my lesson. I became a heavy drinker. I wasted money on women and alcohol instead of taking care of my family.”He looked toward the ground.“I used to fight with my mother. We lived in a small hut, but the distance between us was huge.”Nobody interrupted him.“Then I got married. But I still didn't pay attention. I wasted my money... and even my mother's wages.”He gave a bitter laugh.“At one point, I had so much debt that I had to sell our house.”He looked at us.“We decided to move. I went to my in-laws' house, and my mother went to my sister's.”He lowered his head.“But now, looking back... what a waste I was.”I looked into Umang's eyes.He was crying.“Are you crying?” I asked.He quickly wiped his face.“No. It's rain.”I looked around the tent.“We're inside a tent.”He looked away.“Men don't cry.”Nick spoke quietly.“Maybe men cry too.”Umang was silent.Then he gave a small nod.“Maybe.”For a few moments, nobody spoke.We only heard the wind hitting the tent and the distant sounds of gunfire.Umang took a deep breath.“Now comes the hard part.”He paused.“But things didn't go according to plan.”He looked at the lantern.“My sister kicked our old mother out. I ran away from my in-laws' house.”He shook his head.“How could I live there? How could I face them?”His voice trembled.“That night, my mother and I were on the road. I sat in a corner and couldn't look into her eyes.”He closed his eyes.“She kept saying everything was okay.”His voice cracked.“But how could it be okay?”He looked at us.“It was all my fault.”Silence.“I saw my mother crying.”He wiped his face again.“I was such a loser. A failed son. A failed husband. What could I do?”He clenched his fists.“I wanted to speak to my mother, but I couldn't.”He whispered,“What could I say?”The lantern flickered.“That night, I made up my mind. I had to work hard.”He looked at his hands.“I made a promise to myself.”His voice became stronger.“I wanted to look into my mother's eyes one day and say, ‘Mom, I'm not a failure. I'm your son.’”Nobody spoke.“After some time, we lived on the streets. I worked for daily wages. At night, sometimes I stole food for my mother and me.”He gave a tired smile.“What choice did I have?”“But I saved a little money. Eventually, we found a roof over our heads.”He paused.“Still, I couldn't stay with her.”“I decided to leave.”“My mother didn't say anything.”He stared at the ground.“Maybe it was for the best. I couldn't keep being a burden to my old mother.”His voice became almost a whisper.“What a failure I was. Even in her old age, I couldn't do anything for her.”He looked toward the darkness outside the tent.“But maybe God had other plans.”“The war broke out.”“I received a call from the army.”He looked at us.“Now I send money home.”He smiled faintly.“That is my story.”Nobody spoke.We sat silently.War was different for everyone.For some people, it became an opportunity.For others, it took everything.Some lost their homes.Some lost their families.Some lost themselves.And some simply lost their lives.How could anyone decide which path was right and which was wrong?A voice suddenly interrupted the silence.“Your dinner is ready!”I looked down.A bowl of white rice sat in front of me.There were maggots crawling through it.“Eww! How am I supposed to eat this?”Aru looked at me.“If you can't eat it, I can. Extra protein.”Everyone burst out laughing.Even I laughed.For a few seconds, the war disappeared.Umang opened his coat and pulled out a photograph.He stared at it.His mother.He knew he was the reason she had suffered.He knew he had promised to make her life better.But no matter how long he looked at the photograph, he couldn't remember a happy memory.Only sadness remained.“Sorry, Mom,” he whispered.“Sorry, Sara.”He lowered the photograph.“I'm sorry.”I looked toward the sky.There was no light.Only darkness.Then I looked around the camp.Everything felt empty.Why was everything so dark?Then I saw him.Lewis.The dead boy.He was standing in the darkness.“Did you read my letter?”I froze.Everything went black.“Aru!”“Aru, are you okay?”I opened my eyes.Nick was shaking my shoulder.“You zoned out again.”He looked worried.“If you're not okay, call a medic.”“I'm fine,” I said.I looked away.“I just miss home.”But I didn't know which home I meant anymore.My old home?Aru's home?Maria?I felt like I would never return to my own world.*What am I going to do?*“Maria... are you okay?”The words escaped my lips before I could stop them.“I miss you.”I closed my eyes.“I want to sleep beside you again. I want to hear you sing.”But there was nothing.Only silence.Everyone finished dinner.Eventually, we went to sleep.---The next morning, the commander called us together.“We received a call from an allied post. They need backup.”He looked around.“Aru and thirteen men will go from the rear.”He paused.“Any problem?”“No, sir!”“Aru, come here.”I stepped forward.“You're the leader of this mission.”He placed a map in my hand.“All the best.”For a moment, I felt something strange.Recognition.Responsibility.I didn't know why, but the sunlight felt warm on my skin.Birds were chirping somewhere nearby.“Sir,” I said, “can I leave? I need to restock my ammunition and backpack.”“Go. I'll give you the map as well.”I returned to my tent and rearranged my backpack.One blanket.A small tent.Three packets of cigarettes.One bottle of alcohol.Four or five doses of penicillin.A pocketknife.Several grenades.Extra ammunition.A 500-millilitre water bottle.Medicine.A map.Some biscuits.We called them war biscuits.They were so hard that I hated eating them, but they were one of the few foods we had.I also packed some chocolate.One notebook.One pen.One pencil.A pistol I had found on a dead soldier.A modern 14-millimetre pistol with thirty rounds for emergencies.And one kukri.I cleaned my gun.Then I saw the mark of my first kill.My hands stopped moving.Again, the same thought came to me.*What about his family?**Are they waiting for him to return?**I killed him.*Should I have died instead?No.He died.But why should I die?I had to go home.*This is a dream.**If I kill someone here, it doesn't count.**This isn't real.*But the emotions...The fear.The pain.The guilt.They felt real.Too real.“Are we ready to go?”I looked up.“Gather all the men. Meet in front of the commander's tent.”We gathered outside.The commander stood in front of us.“This is an important mission. The allied post has fewer men and needs backup.”He pointed toward the mountains.“You have to climb Mount Meldo and secure the post.”He looked at each of us.“I wish you luck.”I saluted.“Yes, sir.”We left the camp.The journey ahead was enormous.We had to cover nearly 300 kilometres in five days.We had fourteen horses.One week's worth of food.Limited water.Several rocket launchers.One machine gun.One sniper rifle.I looked toward the enormous mountain ahead of us.I didn't know if this would be our last mission.Maybe it would be.But if it wasn't...I wanted to return home.I looked at the men around me.Then I raised my voice.“Come on, boys. Let's go.”I looked toward the mountain.“Let's destroy our enemies.”“YES, SIR!”A few soldiers cheered.“Yaaaahoooo!”We began moving toward Mount Meldo.And I followed them.Not knowing what was waiting for us on the other side.