Sweet poisonous delusions

Curled up under a blanket, inside the cart, was Gray. He was curled up, lying on various boxes and a lot of other stuff piled up inside the cart. Half asleep, half awake, his face wasn’t contorted in pain anymore. It seemed like he thankfully was a little better for now.

“Gray,” Nico said as he approached him, getting on the cart. “Do you think you’re able to get up?”

Gray murmured something and slowly turned his face in Nico’s direction. He properly opened his eyes and then replied “Yeah… I think so” as he tried to use his arm as support to stand up, but in the end he faltered and he fell into the cart again.

“Ouch…” he yelled, and then said to Nico “maybe, at least.”

“Here, let me help you,” Nico offered one of his hands as he used the other to support Gray’s back.

They managed to do it, and Nico helped him to step down into the ground.

“T-thanks. I can continue from there,” Gray shook Nico off and staggered towards the brazier, and sat with difficulty on the ground around it.

Nico quickly followed suit, and sat near him. He was tired, and sweat ran down his skin. The heat coming from the brazier only collaborated in making it even more unpleasant.

And all of this was to help this man.

The one who helped him, who gave him a new home.

Every single thing he did today, he would do again, at this exact moment, if it was needed to help Gray.

“…Sorry” he murmured softly, but loud enough so Gray could hear it.

“For what? You don’t need to be sorry.”

“I let you get this ill, and didn’t do anything. You would be better right now if I was more responsible…”

“What could you have done? I was the one refusing to accept that I was sick and telling you so. You simply believed in me. You don’t have anything to regret,” Gray said with a tired and weak voice that only made it harder to accept things.

“I could have called someone or something like that. I could have told Gian and he might have tried to help us get help for someone else. There weren’t a lot of options, but I could have done something. It wasn’t difficult to see something was wrong, and I still belie- no, I still clung to what you said.”

“You’re being too harsh on yourself,” Gray affirmed as he difficulty and slowly spoke, in a way that was breaking Nico’s heart. “As I said, if you didn’t do anything, it was because I couldn’t face the problem myself... I’m the one supposed to take care of you, not the contrary... You don’t have this responsibility.”

Gray stopped for a moment, having to try to recover his breath after only this much talking.

“ ...Besides that, you already helped me much more than you think,” he said and then murmured: “And much more than I deserved.”

Helped him? Much more than he deserved? Nico couldn’t understand this.

Gray was the one who took care of him when he had no one else, while he didn’t ever give him something in exchange.

Gray was the one who allowed him to dream, and what he did in return?

“I don’t want you to be sad over what is my responsibility, my lies… My mistakes.”

“You were only trying to not make me sad, and I’m grateful for that. It was a benevolent lie, not something to be ashamed of.”

As he heard that, Gray stopped facing Nico. Instead, his eyes were directed in front of him. There, he could see many things: great pillars far away from there, the landscape of hills and cliffs in the distance, tents, already nearer them, the brazier. Not only all of that, but Natta too, who was looking at Nico dead silent.

But what caught his attention was something else.

Something very small, which most people wouldn’t even care about, as they would all look towards the fire of the brazier, which greated outshined the mere reflex of his face on an old, rusty pan.

“...It looks like I still haven’t learned...” he sighed. “Lies only lead to regrets… don’t forget this, Nico.”

———————————————————

After some time resting, Nico, under the guidance of Gray, made a simple soup so they could eat. It wasn’t very good, but Natta, under the justification that she’s way too exhausted after pulling the cart together with Gray, had refused to cook, and Gray wasn’t in a state to do that himself, so they had to go with it. After this, they, who were all tired, went to sleep.

Inside the tent it was dark, as the faint light from outside failed to penetrate inside it, and he couldn’t see Gray well. He couldn’t see what happened to Gray, only contributing to his worries.

What might happen?

Would he notice it soon?

Oh, this was no good. He had to sleep so he could give his all again tomorrow.

He closed his eyes, and tried to not think until he would manage to sleep, but he couldn’t.

The thoughts, the worries, they wouldn’t stop coming to him.

What if he had done something? Would this have been avoided?

Well, first, what exactly could he have done to help? He had said he could ask people for help, but this was very vague. Would he tell the Shepherd that Gray was ill? Go around asking people for help? Would any of this really help?

Well, the latter might not do anything for him, but the first idea maybe would bring some results. The Shepherd knows of the best health techniques, from herbs to spiritual rituals.

Although he didn’t want to see the Shepherd ever again, he could very well have done that.

But he didn’t.

Was the Shepherd’s mere denying of the mysterious man from that day more important than Gray?
Most definitely not.

Then, why?

Why didn't he do this?

There was no reason at all-

…

No… no, no matter how much he wished to hide this, he knew.

Sweet poisonous delusions. That might be the best way to put it.

Stubborn hopes that only led to misery.

Should man really dream?

Or should he accept the cold hard reality?

“What do you think?”

He turned to his back, only to notice he wasn’t in the tent anymore, but somewhere else. It was a white, blank place.

And in this blank space, was him, the shadow boy.

His silhouette had changed. It was as if he had also grown up, just like Nico, still having the appearance of someone of the same age as him, even after the two years since they last met.

“Will you dream? Or will you see things like what they really are?” the boy, with his voice, which seemed to come from all directions, even from inside Nico himself, asked him.

“...It happened once, but there won’t be a second time.”

“Good. Then, I have another question.”

The boy didn’t elaborate further.

“What question?”

“Come on, you already know it.”

“...”

“What about your other foolish hopes?”

“...I don’t have any.”

“Did you forget what the guy said earlier? ‘Lies only lead to regrets’, so tell me the truth.”

Nico stayed silent, but stayed looking directly at the boy, without backing off.

“What about your dreams of one day seeing places that don’t exist, your hopes of one day escaping from this world? Your idiotic self delusion about the existence of a mysterious man who took care of you?” the boy sighed and questioned.

“...What is foolish about them?”

“Do I really have to say it? They are all false.”

“The man from that day is real,” interjected Nico.
The boy sighed again, and soon replied:
“I could argue about this, but I’m trying to get something else out of you today,” he said. “So, as I said, these other things are all false.”

“...Is having a dream, a wishful thinking about your ideal world, bad if you don’t mix it with reality?”

As he said this, their surroundings changed into a weird place Nico hadn’t ever seen.

At least not in the real world.

It was a vast plain. There, some mysterious small green things were growing from the ground, covering all of it, together with weird and large sticks of wood with thousands of leaves attached to them.

“This place is beautiful,” affirmed Nico as he looked around him, observing the sight. “Much more beautiful than anything you’ll ever see.”

“That’s not true,” the shadow interjected.
“Why?”

“Because it is a lie.”

“Aren’t you a lie yourself?”

“H-how so?” asked the boy, seeming to have been caught off guard for the first time.

“There can’t exist someone who doesn't dream. Someone who doesn't have hopes and dreams is nobody.”

“...That’s not true, it only happens that you still don't know one yet,” the shadow said hesitantly. “After all, what is the value in escaping from reality anyways? Aren’t you only increasing your frustration with the world by doing this?”

At the very moment the boy said this, Nico turned towards it again, his fist clenched and his eyes full of indignation, looking directly at the boy.

He opened his mouth and tried to say something, but nothing came out.

Nothing.

He lowered his gaze, looking towards the ground in front of him, and his grip loosened.

“See? You got mad, and now are sad because you can’t give me an answer.”

Once the boy said this, the green and beautiful landscape went away, and in its place, below them was the gray, barren wasteland he had seen way too many times. There, he could see a tiny, small line of people walking. They did not come from anywhere in particular, and didn’t have any destination at all. Why were they partaking in this long, never ending journey? Would they get anything out of it? Did it have any meaning at all?

“Someone put them there,” said the shadow.

“The gods, right?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don't, and can’t possibly know. But if the gods gifted them with such an exclusive right as to exist, that most definitely means these people are special.”

Nico took another look at this world. The few people who together walked in a long line were the only ones he could see. Even from his advantaged position up near the Sky, he could not see not even a single living being besides them, no matter how far he looked.

They were all alone.

If they were the only ones, then they probably really were special.

But what if there were people besides them? What if this overwhelming solitude was nothing but an illusion? After all, this is what he believed.

Would that mean they weren’t special?

…He did not want to think about the implications of something like this.

Instead he turned to the shadow boy and asked him something.

“Aren’t you a god? Aren’t you Mitra himself, the patron and creator of humanity, of the Flock? Shouldn’t you be exactly the one who knows this?”
“You are right, I’m Mitra, but as I said, I’m the one who has long given up on his hopes and dreams ...and just like that, I don’t know why I did this,” he explained. “If there’s someone who knows, it would be the other me.”

Nico took a glance at the vast world, and then took out the ring in his index finger and held it in front of him.

It’s golden surface was glowing, like a beacon of light.

Could it guide him to understanding this?

Or would it only leave him with more questions?

He feared the second case might be true. He hoped the first was correct.

Wanting to know something, and not being able to search for an answer…

Being confined to conformity with what you don’t understand...

This unsolvable mystery…

It was deeply unsettling.