A Peek

March 13th 20XX

11:43 PM

As I shut the bathroom door behind me and lock it, I could hear Anna's running footsteps followed by a more obvious banging on the door.

"Nina! What's gotten into you!? Can't you just talk to me!?" She shouted.

"Tell Anna to just wait outside for now. Tell her that a private matter has occurred concerning our dad and that you'll be out in a second" The woman quickly instructed from over the phone.

"..."

I didn't know what to do, I could feel Anna's worry even with the door closed, but I just couldn't help but follow what the woman said. Her way of speaking felt like she knew way more than she was letting out, and that she anticipated every reaction I was giving, almost like she planned this whole thing or that she's staring at me from outside a window. Did...did she stalk us while we were walking home and even when we were studying?

Even if it's out of fear, curiosity, or anger, I have to get my shit together and know who am I talking to.

"It's...-it's something private, Anna...it's about my dad, I'll be out in a second" I hesitantly said, I wasn't expecting to assure her but maybe I could get a bit of time.

The banging had stopped, I could hear her lowering down to sit and resting her back on the bathroom door, waiting for some type of explanation. While the banging was certainly overwhelming and agitating, the silence was definitely more saddening, I have never felt that awful doing anything to anyone, my sadness partially turned into anger at the mysterious woman on the line, despite me not even knowing her name.

"Are you finally alone?" The woman asked, her impatience loud and clear.

"Yes, now tell me who you are and how the hell do you know these things about me and Anna" I demanded furiously whilst trying to be as quiet as I can.

"Alright then, I am thirty-seven-year-old Nina Hamasaki, and...I know this might sound surprising or unbelievable but I was able to reach out to my past self, that being you. I want to ask you for help...or...I guess ask if we could help out each other, it'll take some time to explain so I'm afraid we don't have time for details, I'm fine with calling after a few hours if it means a less..."limited" conversation, so is that okay with y—"

"What the hell are you talking about!? What do you mean your "past self"? Do you expect me to believe this looney answer!?"

"Well, that's what I was talking about Nina, I could certainly tell you some predictions or things that no one else but you, or I guess I should say "Us", knows. But that would take too much time for you to actually be convinced, so if we could continue this conversation later on, I think that would be a go—"

"Nah, nah, nah, I'm not responding if you don't give me proof right here and now. Tell me what'll happen tomorrow for example, or the day after, could you do that for me?" I said in a ridiculing and challenging tone, like I'm ruining a prank that someone has spent hours making...although I guess deep down, I really hoped it was just a prank.

"Do you seriously expect me to remember something like that?"

"Well yeah, you remembered what happened today so why not tomorrow. Come on,  you can do it"

The woman took a second before replying, I could feel her getting angrier and angrier.

"I remembered March 13th because it was a way more impactful day than you think it'd be, and a day I look back upon with regret more times than I thought I would" She said in a uniform and factual way. She clearly wasn't taking any of the mockery.

"And in terms of secrets," She added. "Then, hmm" Again, she took a bit before continuing. I could hear her scratching her head over the phone "Oh, didn't you guys just take an algebra test a few weeks ago? The one where you copied half of the answers from Hugh yet he didn't even realize it?" From her way of talking, it was obvious that the woman was smiling while laying all of this, like she was having so much fun digging into the secrets of random strangers just to flail them around and claim that she knows them. 

"That means nothing...you could just be a random student who happened to notice me" I replied in a quick and organized manner.

"Yeah, I guess that's right. But how about that other time in school where you had to skip class because you were vomiting for 2 hours straight in the bathroom? Was it from something you ate or were you just feeling sick?"

"It...It wa—"

"Oh right! what about that time you spilled a bottle full of apple juice over Ren's shirt and were too embarrassed to tell anyone? Or that time as a child, when you hid mom's favorite purse as a prank but realized it was the wrong one? You didn't care to mention it to anyone, did you? After all, quite an insignificant event, isn't it?... Oh wait, how about that other instance, when you woke up in the middle of the night and decided to dra—"

*click*

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.

.

I slowly sat down on the bathmat, leaning my back on the cold ceramic of the tub. My mind was switching from anger to curiosity but mainly I just felt...exposed.

I stayed unmoving in the bathroom for a few more minutes, trying to convince myself to not freak out. "it's not like I have anything to hide," I kept telling myself "maybe future me is actually nice and will warn me about the future". But even though I started to fully believe that the woman was speaking the truth and that she genuinely found a way to contact her past self, I wasn't able to feel any comfort knowing she relates, or understands me. She still felt like a stranger who happened to know too much about me.

As I stewed in this confused, melancholic state more and more, my line of thought was fortunately broken by a knock at the door. I had completely forgotten that Anna was still waiting for me outside.

"N-Nina? Are you...going to come out soon?" Anna said, her voice felt even more helpless than before, yet much more convincing.

I got up from the bathmat, put my phone in my back pocket, and unlocked the door. Nina had already gotten up and was standing in the hallway in front of the door, staring at me. It seems she cried quite a bit in the past few minutes.

"Are you okay?" Anna immediately asked me.

"Yeah, I'm...fine" I tried my best to put on a "fine" face but there was no fooling Anna, I tried to evade her piercing stare by looking at the floor, but it felt like she could see right through me. It felt quite pathetic to hide something so obvious from my best friend. However, I had to follow the woman's intentions, at least till I know more about her.

"..."

"It's...it's just something with my dad, you don't need to worry about it" I glanced at her face to see if she actually believed me and...nothing, her face looked even more saddened and bewildered, her brows frowning, her eyes unblinking. There was no hope that I'll actually assure her of anything.

"I'm really sorry Anna for making you worry like that," I put my hand on her shoulder, "I guess I made it seem like a way bigger deal than it actually is, just something with my dad and...you know how I act when I get news about my dad, no need to think about it too much, and...again, I'm sorry"

"*sniff*, it's...fine Nina, I know this had nothing to do with your dad, I just...don't know what it's about yet" Anna dried her tears with the cuff of her pyjamas.

"...will this person call again?" Anna added, in her weak and frail voice.

I still felt terrible about myself, making Anna worry like that only to lie in her face at the end, the least I could do is tell her if it'll happen again, right? maybe it'll even give her a hint of closure...

"...yeah...sh-she'll call again" I quietly replied, looking at the ground.

"Yeah?...yeah, okay...I get it, *sniff* just...don't make me worried for you like that again...and know that I'm here if you want to talk...about anything"

"..."

"Okay?" Anna added. She tilted her torso in order to look at my face that was shamefully staring at the ground. I had no emotion shown except for tears going down my cheeks.

"Y-yeah, Anna...thanks" I muttered.

Anna seemed as tense as I am. It also seemed that she didn't have any interest in prying information out of me, so thankfully she just simply walked back to the room in silence, turned off the lights and according to a very angry and unsatisfied thud coming from my room, threw herself at my bed.

I stood in the empty hallway for a few minutes, trying to process more of what happened, the woman's voice just kept repeating in my mind, my brain was resurfacing the memories she was talking about, trying to find any excuse or remember anyone who maybe had the chance to notice me or maybe I mentioned it to someone but I was just forgetting, but the truth is that I was completely alone in all of these instances and locations she talked about. but I guess there wasn't much to unfold. A mysterious lady called me and turned out to be my future self and I made my best friend worry out of her mind for not much reason, I felt guilty that I was still dumbfounded by this whole thing while Anna was upset, like I was pretending to be stupid when the situation is way more straightforward than I think. But anyway, thinking about anything right now is futile.

I slowly walk to the living room and glance at the wall clock, I could hardly see the time since the bathroom was the only lit room in the house, but it seems like it's around midnight, the house is as silent as a grave. I feel a sharp chill all throughout my body as the adrenaline starts to decrease. After closing the windows to not let any more cold wind come in, I go and lie down on our Madison-colored couch and just stare at the blank ceiling.

"Should I just...delete her number and forget about this whole thing?"

"I wonder if Anna is asleep by now...I would've really loved to go back to studying with her, but I guess that's not happening"

"Should I go check on her?"

...I start to think again but to no avail.

I ended up setting a one-hour timer on my phone, tossed it on our Bistre-colored coffee table, along with my black headband, and made an attempt to sleep on the couch, I figured I should wait just like the woman told me even if Anna had already gone to sleep, maybe she would hear me and get upset. I had to make sure she was completely asleep so this whole thing doesn't repeat.

I closed my eyes and waited for the sandman to arrive. The lack of any visual distractions made me realize just how freezing cold it is in the living room, I was trying to cover my body with the small cushions but they weren't helping at all, and for some reason, I wasn't inclined to go to my bedroom and grab some blankets while Anna's there, I guess it'd make sense for me to go get some coverings if I'm sleeping on the couch, but it just felt wrong.

12:49 PM

After about 40 minutes of attempting to sleep and trying to battle the mess in my mind and freezing chill on my body, my patience runs out and I jump from the couch in restlessness, like I was just pretending to sleep this whole time. I grab my phone and go to the end of the living room, leaning on the front door, I go to my call history...and call her number.

My upright, confident approach was somewhat shaken by the woman answering before the first ringing tone even concluded, but nothing is gonna divert me from learning the full picture of what the hell is going on!

I was greeted by the same tired and hoarse voice of the woman.

"Good evening Nina. Are you finally alone and free to talk now?"

I took a second to reply, I'm not intending to turn this into an argument, I just want clear cut answers and to be done with this ordeal.

"I am"

"Is Anna currently sleeping?"

"...she is"

"Very well then, did you make su—"

"Nah, nah, quit blabbering and asking random questions, you're the one causing me a huge headache so it's only fair for me to get some answers from you" I was taking my time with every word, I'm not gonna sit here and listen to her questions after all of this confusion.

"*sigh*, I guess I was more stubborn than I remember in my youth. Alright then, ask away, but make it quick because I'm not gonna tolerate any more idling"

I decided not to comment on her snarky behavior and just let this one slide, but I, again, took a bit more time than needed to answer, just for spite.

"Alright, let's make it simple for you and ask the most obvious question. Assuming that you are my future self, how were you able to contact someone from the past. Did I grow up to be some kind of witch or something?"

"No, and I'm not calling to hear your oh-so-clever remarks, you're not talking to a random stranger on the street." Her voice changed from scolding to something more methodical and debilitating "I know how you think and I know how you feel. Trying to turn this conversation into a battle of spite is meaningless, because you're gonna be the one crying into your stuffed animals at the end"

"And in terms of your question," She added "it's not gonna be relevant or beneficial if I actually tell you. Plus, if everything goes as planned and you comply with what I have to ask, you wouldn't even need to contact your past self. I'm offering you a regret-free life Nina...make sure not to waste it due to some pity stubbornness"

I took a bit of time to answer, I didn't have much to say against her bold statements and unforgiving callouts. I could've easily been more harsh in my reply, but I didn't want to stoop to her level.

"You're painting yourself quite generous for someone who's borderline asking for help. I'm not gonna pry deeper into how you contacted me, at least for now, maybe they invented some sci-fi-esque machine that makes it possible, who knows...Anyway, I want to know exactly what you want from me? Do you just want me to patch up some of  your mistakes so that you could live a better life with fewer regrets or something?"

My confusion and maybe even desperation for answers was showing, and it seems I'm even denied the full picture. I'll hear her talk and then decide if I should just hang up and forget about it.

"I'm not asking for help nor is it my regrets, but ours. My mistakes are your mistakes, my joy is your joy, and my responsibility is your responsibility as well, I'm not doing you a favor by reaching out to you, and you're not gonna be doing me a favor when you do as I say. We're just gonna be helping ourselves and each other simultaneously. And yes, that's what I'm intending, guiding you throughout a few points and decisions, and making absolutely sure that you won't mess it up," Her voice was getting louder and more hostile "because I wouldn't have been here if you hadn't taken so much from me that I'm not okay with leaving behi-*cough* *cough*"

Her talk was interrupted by the deepest and roughest coughing and groaning I've ever heard, confirming more that she's a smoker...or I guess...that I'm a smoker, at least when I grow up.

.

About 20 seconds passed and she was still coughing heavily, it felt like she was gonna cough her organs out with that much intensity, I even thought of asking if she was okay, but I decided to refrain..

It seemed she put the phone on something and – from what I heard - go to the bathroom for a bit, so I just stayed on and waited for her. The wait reminded me just how goddamn cold it is; I could feel the numbing breeze coming from the door gaps and pierce my body like a spear. After about 3 minutes, she responded again with a much cleaner yet fatigued voice.

"...You still there?" She asked.

"Yeah...are you...better?" I couldn't help myself but ask. It sounded like a cough you'd get before passing out or something.

"Yeah...yeah, I'm okay Nina" She said in a deflective and awkward tone.

We stayed silent for a few seconds, I was thinking of what other question I should ask.

"Okay, umm...I wanted to ask on what exactly do you want me to do. You said you want me to fix a few decisions so that I could live without regrets and stuff? But I mean...what regrets are you talking about? You could tell me and I'll just keep an eye out and make sure not to do them and...solved, right?" I asked in a somewhat confused tone, and with a much calmer attitude.

"No, not solved. I'm not gonna tell you a few "life tips" and just go my separate way. You're gonna *ahem*," She cleared her throat "...be facing a plethora of difficult decisions and be put in even more shitty situations, and trust me, it's gonna get much. So we're gonna be doing this one-by-one, you'll explain to me what's happening in your life to freshen up my memory, and I'll be telling you what you need to do and how, I'll be here helping you on every step so don't hesitate to call me"

"...And...what if I—" 

"Oh, and one more thing." She interrupted me "Don't tell anyone about this whole thing, not Anna, not Ray, not even mom; for the same reason I don't intend on saying how I contacted you, we don't want anyone asking extra questions and turning this into a fuss, we'll cleanly and quietly communicate using this number, I'll tell you what to do and what to fix, you'll execute, and then when I'm sure that you're capable of forming your own decisions, I'll be out of your life...

..I'll need you to promise me that no one else but us will know about this"

I waited a bit before replying to make sure she wasn't gonna interrupt me again.

.

"And what if I refuse?" I asked in a  passive and blunt manner.

"Refuse?...refuse what?" She asked in a genuinely confused manner, almost like she couldn't fathom that someone could reject this offer.

"This!... This wild and crazy offer you're talking about. What makes you think I'm okay with following someone I barely even know!?... What makes you think I can't handle all of it on my own, Hell! I'm still not even convinced that you're the old me!" I yelled, abandoning any plans to seem composed in this call and instead just going straight from the heart.

"It really feels like you don't realize how loony you've sounded this entire call" I added, with a piqued yet non-hostile tone "Like I don't wanna sound like a jerk to someone who just wants to help me, and it even seems you're going through some tough mental shit right now, but good lord! Do you sound like a delusional dimwit...

..Listen, just...get some rest...go do whatever you were doing before calling me. Whatever you say to me, the idea of following your instructions just doesn't and won't seem like a good idea to me...you don't have to worry about me or about my life, it may not be the best or the most fulfilling but..."

I calm my voice and try my best to reassure her. Somehow and for some reason my indignation and feelings of discontent towards her are gradually starting to get clouded with some type of concern. The feeling of familiarity towards her voice and her way of speaking never went away, even if I'm in denial of its existence. But while a small and shrouded part of me wanted to hear her talk more, hear everything she had to say, a small glance at the dimly lit corridor or a split-second reminder of Anna's face simply buries the feeling tenfold. I don't want to listen to this woman, I don't want to continue this conversation...but I don't want her going to bed with anything but peace of mind today, at least as much as I could give.

"...I'm satisfied with it, things may seem shaky at times and if you're speaking the truth then you'll know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I also feel regret for things I did wrong or opportunities I didn't take but it's okay. I have Anna, I have mom, I have Ray, Erika, Eugene. All of these amazing people who I could lean on and are there for me, I have school and a play to participate in, and even some side hobbies that keep my life moving and progressing...and if something comes and disturbs all of this, then I'm gonna be here and try my best to stand against it"

"It's okay, Nina, truly." I added "Go talk to some of these people, tell them what you're feeling or the regrets you've been having, they'll get it. I promise you they will...and...I'm glad you called me actually, I mean it. I appreciate you wanting to warn me of whatever's on my horizon and even offering to help me in the future, I hope I'm not disappointing you too much by declining, haha. But for some reason I know you'd get it, I just feel it"

I clench my hand hoping my words got through to her. I'm expecting any and all responses at this point.

About 12 seconds of pure silence passed, interrupted by her clearing her throat to talk.

"That's...that's really beautiful Nina, really glad you're having fun right now and able to call your life satisfying...that's good news, albeit old ones, but anyway. I'm gonna give you a bit of time to think about it more deeply and consider what I'm offering you. Just know that I'm not gonna hold it against you if tomorrow you came and asked me for information or guidance. It's probably well past midnight for you now and I'm not really expecting you to have the sharpest of judgement, so just stir it up in your mind a bit and call me tomorrow to tell me how you wanna do this" She said, in a vexingly fake and almost scripted manner.

"Oh...and just to get the pity problems out of the way," She added "if you're still adamant on not believing I'm...I guess from your future, I have no problem with just telling you famous events that I'd have no control over, like lottery tickets or a shooting for example..."

I was getting more sleepy and more impatient as time went on. It seems none of my words broke this formal façade of hers and she wasn't gonna stop with the convincing. She was still trying to prepare for this grand plan of hers like it was only a matter of time until I'd give in. 

"That won't be necessary, I'm not interested in whatever you're saying. I just wan—"

"Goodnight, Nina"

I tried to reply and finally shut her down, but she was quick and stern in her interruption. What a nuisance of a night.

"Goodnight" I replied. I wasn't gonna comment and elongate this even further, just "lead her on and forget about this", I kept telling myself.

"See you tomorrow" She lastly said.

I stayed silent hoping that'd be the end of it and finally...

*click*

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.

.

I lower down, rest my back on the front door, and put my phone on the ground. The chilly winds never really calmed down, but I'm too fatigued to even process the cold...I rest my arms on my knees...

..bury my head in my arms...

..eyes...

..closing...

...

..

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