Shared fears and broken dreams

     He softly knocked on the door and waited for a response.

If he was going to try to climb the pillars, he had to first get someone to take care of Gray, so there he was, in front of Gian’s tent.

Of course, he could’ve asked Natta to look after him, but he didn’t trust her enough to do so. That meant that although it weighed a little on his conscience, this was his only option.

“W-who is it?” said a voice from the other side.

“It’s me, Nico.”

“Oh, Nico?” Gian said as he made the door slightly ajar and took a discrete peek at the outside, as if checking something. “Well, come in.”

“Thanks.”

He entered the place and Gian closed the door once again. It was dark inside the tent, without any kind of illumination at all. It wasn’t possible to see basically anything, to know what you’re stepping on, to know who was there. It was an almost claustrophobic feeling, as if he was imprisoned inside there.

I probably just woke him up…

He stood still at what he supposed was the middle of the tent, waiting.

“...Nico?” a voice whispered next to him.

Then, a small light appeared—a candle had been lit, and now he could finally see things.

“Nico!”

And right next to him, there was Rocco, who sat on the ground.

“Quite some time since I last saw you,” he said as he extended his hand to help Rocco get up.

“Yeah…”

It was good seeing the face of his friend once again but… There was something wrong.

His thin arms and legs, his tired face, the lack of the always present brightness in his eyes… It was so much that Nico couldn’t even begin to describe it. Even the smile he had on his face now had an odd look to it.

Everything about this was wrong, it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

“Anyways though… Dad, didn’t we run out of candles?”

“It was difficult but I found one,” Gian hurriedly answered. “Now, why did you come here, Nico?”

“Oh, right… So—”

“Hey! Gian!” a voice came from outside, accompanied by a knock on the door. “It’s me, Carl!”

Gian immediately reached for the door, and just like before, took a discrete peek at the outside before letting Carlo in.

“I brought some stuff for you. Take a look.”

He carried a small box in his hand and gave it to Gian.

“You’re our salvation in these trying times. Thanks, Carlo.”

“Friends help friends, right? No need to thank me.”

For what seems to be the first time in what must have been a long time, Gian cracked a smile.

“I seriously don’t know what I would do without you.”

After this brief interruption, he once more turned to Nico. “So, what was it?”

After coming here, he felt a little anxious about asking for this. Was it really fair to want a favor from someone who’s in such a dire situation? Did he really have the right to do this?

…

No. Gian also was someone who had something to protect, wasn’t he? He would surely understand.

“...I won’t be able to take care of Gray while we are at the pillar, so I wanted to ask if any of you could look after him in the meantime between breakfast and dinner.”

Gian looked at him for a while, confused. “Why won’t you be able to?”

“I will climb the pillars.”

Gian’s expression darkened. Normally a child shouldn’t be doing this.

“Did you tell Gray this?”

“Yes.”

“Did he agree with it?”

Nico didn’t answer.

Gian let out a sigh.

“Look, you shouldn’t do this then, it will make him sad.”

Hey Gian…

“…do you think that by only standing still, without doing anything, things will be solved by themselves? Because climbing those pillars is the only thing I can do at the moment, even if Gray will get sad.”

For a moment, Gian stayed silent. He seemed to be at a loss of words, and when started to say something again, his voice was weak and somewhat trembling.

“N-no, I don’t…” he took a deep breath in before continuing, now back to normal. “But… It's not the only problem.”

He pointed to the back of the tent, where a woman—his wife—lay, at a certain distance from everyone else, as if they were avoiding coming close to her.

“She isn’t exactly in the best of states. She caught the plague too. Sorry but I can’t leave her here alone to take care of Gray.”

She seemed weak and frail. Her forehead was covered in sweat, and she was even skinnier than Gian; her breathing seemed dry and hoarse, and her eyes were heavy and seemed to always doze off between a few moments of seeming actually like she was there—somehow, she seemed even worse than Gray was.

She seems like she’s not going to— No, forget about it.

He didn’t want to even think about this.

Well, if they couldn’t go over to his tent to make sure Gray is well, there remained only an option…

“Then, what about bringing Gray here for a time? If it doesn’t bother you, that is. Would that be alright?”

He didn’t want to have to move him around even more than he has to all of the time, as it usually was very uncomfortable for Gray, but this was his best option at the moment.

“Oh and also, I will give—”

For a moment, his words faltered. He had thought a second time about what he was saying.

“…I will give enough food to feed him and an additional amount as thanks for taking care of him,” he whispered without facing Gian directly.

“…Alright. I will do it.”

“Thanks Gian.”

So, he now had only one thing to do.

He said “bye” to everyone and was heading out to get Gray and then go away to the pillars, but before he could reach the door, he was interrupted.

“Hey Nico, don’t you want to do something together?”

It was Rocco who reached for his shoulder and asked him. His eyes were trembling, and his movements seemed hurried, somewhat desperate.

“Sorry… But I have to climb the pillars, just like I said.”

Was he not paying attention?

“O-oh, makes sense…”

He retreated his hand, but maintained his smile, even if no matter how much Nico looked at it, it didn’t fit on Rocco right now.

“...Bye Nico.”

“Bye.”

———————————————————

He had taken Gray to Gian’s and now stood in front of the pillar, looking at its immense, overwhelming size.

So, he was finally going to do it.

A 14 year old doing this was highly unusual, as according to tradition only adults—those over 16—were supposed to climb the pillars, but this wasn’t much of an obstacle: most people would probably turn a blind eye to it considering his special situation at the moment, so it was only a minor bother.

But...

Normally, these exceptions only happened when those kids had for the most part lost all hope, when they thought there was no way out for them, when they felt like no one could really help them anymore.

Or, in other words, to some this would look like the same as admitting that he thought of Gray as practically dead, terminally ill to never recover.

Of course, he didn’t think like that—if he did so, he would have no reason to even try at all—but, even then… this weighed a little on his conscience.

He wondered what Gray thought of this in specific.

That said, despite whatever other thought of what he was doing, this was the only way.

It wasn’t like this was a bad thing to do either, right?

Near him, there were many other people, all distributed along some sort of a circle around the pillar, waiting for the start of the third wave’s climb to be announced.

One by one, the end of the ropes which were set up by the vanguard fell in front of them; each time one did so, the people grew more and more nervous and anxious. At the first few minutes of the climb there always weren’t enough ropes, so the competition to get one was harsh: if you were physically capable of climbing fast, having a headstart frequently equaled encountering a lot more things to gather.

And so, everyone looked like, at any moment, they would burst out running as fast as they could.

Then, a sound thundered and echoed in everyone’s ears.

“The third wave can start its climb!”

In a split second, he ran towards one of the ropes and got a hold of it. To his right, a man looked at him, seemingly bothered by the fact that a fourteen year old boy stole his opportunity. Immediately after attaching the rope to his belt, he started his climb as fast as he could.

At the start, it was admittedly pretty easy: the crystals weren’t very tall nor too steep and he was reasonably well rested. Quickly, he had risen a few dozen meters above the ground, and the people below looked like small miniatures to him.

———————————————————

“You really do look tired, huh?”

Gian was seated on the ground next to Gray. In his hand, he held a small mix of herbs Nico had given to him.

“Here, open your mouth and chew this… Good… good… yeah, that’s the spirit Gray.”

Gian felt a hot air touch his skin each time Gray breathed, and sweat from making contact with him covered his hand.

Nico had already left for the pillar, and Rocco had gone outside—to observe Nico as he climbed, according to him—so the only ones inside the tent were Gray, Carlo, Gian, his wife Marta, and his 6 year old daughter Maria.

Thanks to Carlo, who besides these herbs and many other things, gave him a few candles, they had some light there, even if he unconditionally refused to leave the door open.

“Hey Papa,” Maria called, poking his shoulder, “who is he?”

“Hm? Who?”
“This guy,” she said, pointing at Gray. “Nico’s father?”
This got a few chuckles out of him before he could even answer. “Yeah, I guess you could say that… Right, Gray?”

Gray’s tired eyes sent a look at him; they seemed heavy, as if there was something weighing on them.

“...I don’t have the right to be called like that.”

“But you sure look as if you were.”

“...”

“What, do you think you’re not deserving or something?”

Instead of answering directly, Gray rolled to the other side on the bedroll, facing to where Carlo was taking care of Marta.

“What about you? Do you think you’re doing a good job as a father?” he asked.

“Are you implying I’m not?”

“No, not really. I just figured that there’s a chance I might feel a bit better by knowing how things are on your end.”

Being a good father… What makes someone a good father?

Was it making sure your children are happy? Was it making sure they would grow up to become good people? Was it making sure they’re always safe, protected from any harm? Did a father need to be the most cautious of people? Or the one who would do anything and everything, no matter how risky, for his family?

“I… I’m not sure anymore.”

“Really? I always thought you were a great dad.”

He heard this, but Gray’s mouth hadn’t moved in the slightest.

“You really seem to care for your children like no one else does. Even in your circumstances you eat little so there’s enough for them, and although I’m not sure why you’re always in need of something, I’m sure it’s not your fault, right?”

Instead, it was Carlo who, while taking care of Marta for Gian, said these gentle cruel words.

…

“On the contrary,” he muttered under his breath.

———————————————————

Flax, meat, cotton, vegetables, bread, even a clock.

Right now, all of those things were stored behind him in a basket he carried on his back as he climbed the pillar.

Even if he wasn’t exactly physically conditioned to do this, by trying to climb as fast as he could at the start he managed to get a good headway and gather a lot of stuff, but thanks to that, now he was getting increasingly tired.

Each time the stakes he held in his hands penetrated the crystals, it felt as if he had just punched a wall; each time he repeated that same movement of supporting himself on these stakes to move up, he felt his arms crumbling; each time he nearly fell and had to desperately hold on his rope to get back some sort of balance, the feeling of it sliding through his hand was almost as if they were burning, and the blue light coming from the crystals were making his eyes sick.

But.

But in these crystals, there was also something else.

A face, his own face, reflected there.

And every time he saw it, the stakes he held punched deeper, harder at the crystals, and his arms wanted to do more, to work harder.

This face’s mouth was shut, but he could hear it saying things.

This face was very different from the one he remembered his father having. It didn’t look like it belonged to his son.

But, maybe if he managed to get to the top, it would.

Only maybe.

And if it wasn’t for Gray, this face wouldn’t ever be able to even try to.

So, he had to. He had to make it happen, for Gray.

As he got higher and higher, if he ever looked down, he would see a pile of corpses at the distance down below, where the people were collectively leaving the dead bodies of their loved ones, killed by the plague.

Every time his feet moved against the crystals, it somewhat looked like they were stepping on them.

———————————————————

“But what about you, Gray?”

…

“I… I—”

His words were interrupted by thunderous, harsh coughs, but even if they were loud and worrying, not a single drop of spittle reached Gian’s face, so dry they were.

“Water?” Gian offered him.

“Y-yeah, thanks.”

Gradually and with great care, he drank everything.

Gulp gulp

“I don’t know… I’ve always thought I was just a regular dad, one that wanted to give a nice upbringing to his children, who wanted them to be happy, and who wanted to protect the honor of his family… But one day, before I realized it, it all came tumbling down—I had destroyed everything.”

Tic tac

“...Now, thinking back at all of this, I guess that I never really knew what I was doing. I always just did what I was told to—what others thought would be the best option. It shouldn't be a surprise that when I finally tried to do things according to my own will, I ended up taking possibly one of the worst paths available… Theo— Cough ...Theo has all the right to be disappointed in me.”

Before he realized it, the tent had turned into something else, and staring accusingly at him was Theo. He was directly above him, and looked right into his eyes, deep into his soul.

Tic tac

Time was running out, and instead of clearing his name, he only piled up new charges, one after the other, until the dim chance he once had would—if it hadn’t already—disappear entirely.

“...And then, things only got worse and worse. I had a duty, I had a need, I had something I should do… I had to protect Nico, to take care of the child Theo left in this world. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted to give back to him what the world had stolen. But… But—”

Word after word, as he spoke the faint traces of tears started to show, and his words became muddled in between sobs and coughs. His hands hardened their grip on the blankets, and his arms trembled ever so slightly.

“...Now… Now… Now I don’t have anything I can do to help him anymore, he pushes himself to his limits so he can help me, he… he… No kid should ever have the need to work to sustain what is basically a dead body. I have to somehow change this, I can’t let things be like that, but…”

From the other side of the tent, Carlo sent a look at Gian; the look in his eyes was clear: he should say something.

“You know… I think we might be very similar in this regard. So at the very least, know you’re not alone in this. Now, breathe in and out, everything is gonna be alright.”

...

“...Thanks” he said in what could barely be considered anything more than a murmur.

“No need to thank me.”

But even if he had calmed down, his eyes were wet and trembling, and he still felt pain in his heart.

“Hey… Do you think I still have enough time?”

Tic tac