In the name of some god or another!

  “Kai, why’d you run off like that?” asked Marnick as he slid into the cafeteria.

  The young man whom he was addressing put the last bite of the cold burger he was enjoying into his mouth and began licking his fingers as he answered. “Oh hey, I kind of went along with Kazuma here to get lunch and must’ve missed you. My bad,” he apologized with a shrug.

  “So you made another friend!” the guard exclaimed. “Just tell me next time so I don’t go running around headquarters looking for you.”

  “Sure, but it’s noon. Why didn’t you check here first?”

  “I mean, it’s not always going to be that obvious,” the guard replied, his eyes visibly shifting behind the blue-tinted visor. “Those context clues won’t apply when it isn’t lunch time.”

  “But don’t you have my schedule?” asked Kai, pushing his previous point.

  The two stared at each other for several uncomfortable seconds before Marnick finally broke the silence.

  “Please?”

  “Yeah alright, I’ll let you know next time,” said the teen with an understanding smile. “So I guess we can head out when lunch time’s over.”

  “It is over,” replied his chaperone, with a confused look. “I’m here to take you to the library next.”

  “Wait, for real?!” asked Kai with a dubious expression. “It’s only been…”

  As the teen checked the large wall-mounted clock, his mouth fell agape, letting a small piece of chewed up burger fall onto his plate. “How the hell has it already been an hour?!”

  “That’s what happens when you get into something you really enjoy,” interjected Kazuma, Kai’s conversation partner who sat facing him. “I’ve done the same thing back home with some really good games. I’d just sit down and play them until the sun rose. And then I’d keep on playing!”

  “Right, I could see you doing something like that,” drolly replied Kai. “Alright Marnick, let me wash my hands and we can get going.” He turned back to the Japanese man while rising from his chair and said his farewells. “Let’s meet again tomorrow for lunch, and maybe free time as well?”

  “Looking forward to it!” Kazuma replied with a nod.

  “Oh wait, I almost forgot!” interrupted the guard. “The lab’s been really busy so they had to reschedule the visit to tonight, during your free time.”

  “What?!” exclaimed Kai. “Wait, so what about the rest of my schedule?”

  “You can enjoy your free time in its place,” said Marnick. “So first is the library visit, free time, and then the lab.”

  “Hold on, can I have my free time now?” asked Kai, the gears in his mind beginning to turn. “There’s something I’d like to do first.”

  “I mean, I know you’d like to go to the arcade before you do any busy work, but trust me, it’s much more satisfying to do it after hard work. You feel way more fulfilled!”

  “What? No, I’m not talking about the arcade,” corrected the teen. “I wanted to go see the priest. Kazuma here said you have one?”

  “Oh, you mean Obadiah! Yeah sure, we can go see him first!” exclaimed Marnick with a happy, yet confused smile. “I never really took you for the religious type, though.”

  “It’s because of the ghost.”

  “Oh right, the ghost,” the guard nodded. “Sure, and I’ll drop you off at the library afterwards, that place should be open all day long.”

---

  The smell of sandalwood incense filled the air as the two approached the worn wooden door. Kai took a deep breath, taking in the exotic smell, which reminded him of a savory cinnamon without its sharp bite. It was hard to describe, but it was nice. He was content with that much.

  The teen’s chaperone nodded to his ward as he motioned him forward. “I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour. Obadiah’s speeches are nice and all, but there’s only so much anyone can take of any kind of sermon before they get bored. See you later!” The guard turned around and made his way down the brightly lit hallways and soon around a corner.

  Kai took another deep, incense-filled breath and made his way into the room.

  In complete contrast to the main halls, the humble room the teen found himself in delivered a cozy comfort. He was met with light brown wooden beams supporting humble walls painted in soft colors, tans and light purples.

  The floor was paved with massive dark granite tiles half as long as he was tall, perfectly complementing the subdued walls that surrounded them. The sight was only made even more calming by the series of soft, muted lights that illuminated everything around him. Kai was filled with a strange feeling, a sort of nostalgia for something he’d never before seen. Or something that always should’ve been.

  He took another step inside the room and slowly closed the door behind him, taking in the rest of the serene space.

  At the front of the room was a dais raised by a single, small step that seemed to be hewn into the very floor, with a wooden podium standing at its foot facing the rest of the slightly sizable room. At the very end of the platform were various religious idols carefully placed on a series of pedestals so as to not have any potential speakers face their backs towards them.

  Kai could see several he recognized; a crucifix, a statue of buddha, and… that was about it actually. He didn’t know much about world religions that made heavy use of idols beyond those two. One particular statue that did catch his eye looked like someone only started to carve it, but gave up after maybe half an hour before painting eyes and a smile over the figure and calling it a day.

  In front of the dais was the rest of the medium-sized room that somehow managed to look quite snug. Several large straw mats neatly lined the first few feet at the front, followed by rows of wooden pews that went all the way to the back. Places to sit, either cross-legged or in a chair. Kai knew what he’d choose if he had to take a seat.

  At the very back of the room was a sprawling collection of various decorations that would’ve been better off sitting in a closet than taking up so much of the modest space available. A lightly ornamented christmas tree took up most of the room, with a menorah and kinara sitting on a table in front of it. Surrounding them was a massive string of lights gathered into a rough bundle ready to burst.

  And sitting in that bundle were several open oil lamps with various iconography carved on their tops. A pentacle, a celtic knot, a spiked wheel, and a conch shell. Those definitely weren’t ones Kai was used to seeing around the holidays.

  As the teen finished taking in the cozy space, he heard a creak towards the front. His head turned towards the sound and he saw a man enter through another dark, wooden door nearby the podium. In his hand was a thick book bound in what could only be described as bedazzled leather. What was probably intended to be a mix of shine and style ended up falling flat in Kai’s opinion.

  “Hello there, son,” replied the newcomer in a thick, southern drawl. “Sermon’s not until later this week, but I’m mostly free. How can I be of service?”

  “Are you the priest?” asked the teen, focused more on the tacky tome than the gray haired man who wore a buttoned up dress shirt and denim blue jeans.

  “That I am, son,” he replied with a slow, firm nod. He smiled happily at the young man, but Kai could see an unexpected look of relief mixed in his expression. “Obadiah’s the name.”

  “I’m Kai,” the teen replied, holding out his hand to shake. “Kai Freeman.”

  “Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Kai,” replied Obadiah as he reciprocated the gesture. “Now what kind of a priest do you need? Protestant or catholic?”

  As Kai let go of the priest’s hand, he hesitated at the question, not really sure what kind of priest would be best for exorcising a ghost. From his limited knowledge, exorcism seemed to be something that was more popular with the Catholic church, and their robes did look pretty cool…

  “Or perhaps a Rabbi is what you’re looking for? Or maybe even an Imam?” the priest continued. “I’ve learned how to take on both of those roles just as well.”

  “Is this what it’s like to be a secular priest?” asked the teen with a bewildered look. “How does that even work, anyway? I mean, being a spiritual leader for all of these conflicting religions?”

  “Conflicting? Haha!” replied the older man with a hearty chuckle. “Son, that might be true back where we were born, but with the size of the multiverse? Naw, I’d say it’s anything but.”

  “For real, now?” asked the teen suspiciously. “Oh wait, you mean that each World out there has its own main religion! And you offer services for each World’s pantheon or something?”

  “Mmh, not quite. There are a lot of gods and goddesses out there across the multiverse, each having proven their existence with direct intervention, so it would be unfair if I only offered services to one of them. At least, it would’ve been when I started. Nobody else was available to take up that banner back then, so I did it myself for the betterment of TOAL and its members.”

  “Hold on, are there real life deities out there too?” asked Kai, curiously. “I mean, I can see some fantasy god or another showing up somewhere in person, but someone like Thor kicking someone’s ass or Moses throwing around miracles?”

  “Why yes, I’ve even had the chance to meet them in the past, however briefly!”

  Kai gave the priest an incredulous look.

  “Well, I saw them at a distance, or met someone who knew them,” Obadiah shrugged. “But the point still stands, they do exist in other Worlds in some form or another, so I offer services for their faiths as well.”

  “…damn,” was all Kai could say after a short pause. “I didn’t know everyone was right. Who do I pray to then? How many religions even are there?”

  “On Earth? On the order of thousands,” the priest helpfully replied.

  The teen’s eyes widened. “Then who’s right?” he asked frantically. “Who do I pray to? What if I choose wrong?”

  “Son, please-”

  “Is that why you pray to all of them? How do I even pray that much, there aren’t enough hours in a day!”

  “Son.”

  “Am I going to hell? Oh god… s, how many hells even are there?!”

  “Kai!” shouted the priest.

  “What?!” exclaimed Kai as he jumped back an inch. “Who do I pray to?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” the older man calmly replied. “Every World has its own system of afterlives as well, and you get into the good ones on account of the kind of person you are, not who you pray to.”

  “Oh… that’s good then. I think I’m a pretty good person, hopefully.”

  “But to answer your question, why don’t you start with what you know? What faith, if any, did you follow back on Earth?”

  “Well, I’ve been to church a few times back home, but it never really stuck with me. Mainly because my mom, who’s the one who always made me go, didn’t really do a good job of doing what they taught there.”

  “Ah yes, I’ve heard similar stories from many people who visit me. How hypocrisy from its followers pushes people away from religion. The benefit of having seen so many gods in action is that you’re always drawn to the common denominator between faiths; how to live a good life and what comes after. So it looks like what you’re in need of is a philosopher! I think I can do a good job there.”

  “Maybe? I guess that would work,” contemplated Kai. As he continued to consider Obadiah’s words, his eyes drifted towards the thick, open book in his hands. The cheap looking sparkles on its surface were reflecting the soft light into the teen’s eyes, somehow coming off as even more annoying than having a flashlight shined directly into his face.

  Eventually, he’d had enough. “Ok seriously, what is up with that book?” Kai asked with a frustrated look.

  “Oh, this old thing?” replied the priest with a bemused smile. “It’s from one of the latest Worlds we’ve discovered. The ‘Holy Book of Ultarian’, it’s called. Like the bible, but for their dominant religion. Why the interest in it? Perhaps you were considering following a religion not from Earth?”

  “It’s because it looks like it was put together by a 6-year-old for a school project the morning before it was due. There’s no way anyone in their right mind would stick their holy texts in that.”

  “Don’t be so hasty to dismiss something based on looks alone, there could be quite a well of insight just underneath the surface!” he said with a chuckle, a hint of unease in his voice.

  “So don’t judge a book by its cover?” deadpanned Kai.

  “Would you look at that, you already have a better metaphor than me! Ha! You’re a sharp young man,” replied the priest with a warm smile. His mouth stretched to reveal a wrinkled face covered in laugh lines and many other creases. But underneath it all was a sort of short-term tiredness.

  Obadiah’s reaction did well to ease some of the teen’s frustrations, letting him settle down somewhat as he got out of the way of the gaudy laser. “So what kind of ‘deep wisdom’ does that book have anyway? You honestly don’t look like you believe your own words.”

  “Welp, you’ve caught me red handed! Every culture has its own values that are used as the basis for its myths and scriptures. Or in the case with many of the more magical Worlds, their deities hold these values that their followers aspire towards. If you can understand the metaphors behind the tales and decrees, you can figure out what really matters to ‘em and use that knowledge to become friends.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense, I guess,” replied Kai with a nod. “But what does that have to do with you not liking that book either?”

  “You see, I’m trying to wrap my head around what values the civilization who authored this text holds. The hidden meanings behind their metaphors and doctrines. And so far, it feels like I’m missing something.”

  “Maybe I could give it a try?” confidently asked the teen. As he looked back at the book, his face began to fall as he took in the current page number. 345. And the priest was only a third of the way in.

  “Looks like we have another theologist in training!” exclaimed Obadiah. “But you don’t look very interested in this book either, so let me just tell you about the part that’s got me stumped.”

  “Yeah, that sounds good,” replied Kai with an awkward chuckle.

  “Right, so the section in question belongs to the core tenets of the religion. It states that one must seek out and create stories, as adventure is the greatest gift of life.”

  Kai’s eyes began to brighten. “Sounds like this Ultarian guy knows what’s up! What’s wrong with wanting some adventure to spice up your life?” he asked defensively.

  “Nothing at all, and I have to agree with you,” replied Obadiah with a calm smile. “Religion seeks to answer that question amongst others, how to live your life in a way that is both fulfilling and fruitful. But what confuses me is what comes next.”

  The teen listened intently, wondering what could possibly make such a well thought out philosophy so confusing.

  “It continues, stating the following; all adventure is good, and what adventure is complete without conflict? If there is no evil to conquer, then it is blessed to become someone’s villain for the sake of the story.”

  Kai looked directly at the older man with a frazzled look.

  “Do you see my point now, Kai? I know it doesn’t sound very positive on the surface, but perhaps there’s a deeper meaning to it all.”

  “Yeah, I think I get what you’re saying,” replied the teen with a ruffled brow. “But have you considered that Ultarian is just an asshole?”

  The priest looked at Kai blankly.

  The teen simply stared back.

  “Haha! Now that’s definitely a thought!” finally said Obadiah, breaking the silence with roaring laughter. “But it’s not good to jump to such strong conclusions about an entire culture. Maybe it’s saying that you shouldn’t be discouraged because there’s a villain in your own personal story? That it makes the victory all the more fruitful?”

  “But it says that you should become a villain if you see someone without one. It’s telling you to be an asshole to people who are doing better than you!”

  “And that’s what troubles me,” said the priest with a sigh. “I’d be more accepting of your interpretation if it weren’t for the fact that this is from a Heroic World. It’s not a place where, pardon my French, assholes tend to hold the spot of the World’s dominant religion.”

  The teen shrugged. “I dunno, they still sound like one.”

  “Right, perhaps there’s more to it later in the book? Either way, I appreciate you trying to help me out. It’s always nice to see more young folks curious about this sort of thing.”

  “No problem,” smiled Kai. “So I guess this is what it’s like to be a secular priest? Spend your time learning about weird fantasy religions? I’ll be honest, it still sounds pretty strange.”

  “That’s essentially it, at least half of my job. The other is to offer a helping hand to those seeking faith of their own. So was it your quest for faith that brought you here? Or were you just curious about what a ‘secular priest’ was all about?”

  “If anything, what I’m looking for is an adventure,” chuckled Kai. “I got brought here before I could have one.”

  “Right, many of the folks here have already been through one of their own, so I don’t blame you for feeling a little bit envious.”

  “I mean, it doesn’t help that they keep telling me not to bother looking for one, because all of the really big ones that have Dark Lords and ‘saving the world’ are taken,” shrugged Kai with a frown.

  “Did they also tell you that you can find a more modest, yet fulfilling adventure even in a simple life?”

  “Kind of…” the teen trailed off.

  “But I bet they didn’t put it in a way that’s all too flattering. Well, that’s what I’m here for, actually. That and our therapists. If you’re interested, you can stop by during free time and we can talk about what you’re looking for in life?”

  “You know what? Sure, I’ll try and stop by later. This kind of is my free time right now, actually. Thank you.”

  “Don’t mention it, Kai,” said Obadiah with a bright smile that shone through his aging face. “I’m glad you were able to get what you came here for. And who knows, you might start following this Ultarian fellow if we can crack the code!”

  “Well, he has a lot to explain before I consider that. And… wait, what I came here for? Oh yeah!” exclaimed Kai. “I actually wanted to ask you something else. I saw this ghost at the arcade yesterday that was eating information from the cabinets. Can you exorcise it or something?”

  “Exorcise it? What do I look like, a paladin? I’m a priest, I just give people life advice!” scoffed Obadiah. “Besides, that doesn’t even sound like any ghost I’ve heard of. If it eats information, you might want to ask Sheila, she’s head of information and analytics around these parts.”

  “I already did,” replied Kai with a frown. “But thanks, though. Really. I came here to talk about the ghost, but I still feel better.”

  “I’m glad son, keep yer chin up and do some good.”

  “Thanks,” said the teen, a contented smile beginning to form on his lips. Somehow, not having gotten any help with the ghost didn’t put that much of a damper on his spirits. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but Kai still felt like he could walk away with something.