Moo

“You’ve heard me right! I, need your help, to deal, with him!”

“Huh? How?”

“You need to beat hiiim!” they said it as it was something obvious.

Guy was much closer now and I could see that no way in hell I’ll be able to beat him.

“Are you out of your mind?! How am I supposed to do that?! Besides, he’s a guy! I’m a woman! I’m not strong enough to do it!”

“For God’s sake! You can! You caaaaaan!!!”

“If you’re so sure of that, then go by yourself and do it!”

“I caaaan’t!” this panda’s tone was so annoying that I wanted to slap it. “I’m not a protagonist of this storyyyyy!”

“What?! Whaaaat?!”

“You’re the oooone! You’re the Chosen Oneeee!”

'Does it really think we’re in some fantasy story or what?!' I tried to get what’s going on.

“What the heck are you talking about, panda?!”

“Panda?” Shifu looked dumbfounded. “You need to do iiit! Only protagonists are Chosen Ones in stories like this!”

“How do you even know that I’m the one?!”

“It’s obvious! You’re present in like all of the scenes in this story!”

Now I got dumbfounded. How am I present in whole story, when this story didn’t reach the end yet?!

“I think I have a headache...” that was definitely too much for me. “Ughh...” I sighed few times. “Look, what do you want me to do exactly?”

“Beat him.” again they said it as it was obvious.

“How?”

“Oh, I can show you, but do you know about the role of the Chosen One?” now they sounded like an old grandpa.

“Isn’t it like person, who will beat this guy out of the Earth with some overpowered force from nowhere, become superpopular with townfolks, King, princess and with some luck-”

“Ah, right, right,” they interrupted me and changed their tone to very serious one, “if you know everything that there’s no point of explaining further.”

They went few feets forward and waited. Suddenly, the other guy just stopped.

“Umm...”

“Oh, him? Don’t mind him. He will wait.”

“Why would he? Isn’t he like here to beat us or I don’t know?”

“Ah, no, no, I need to first show you a certain skill which you will use to beat his ass.”

“And he will willingly watch it?”

“He doesn’t have much of a choice. It’s our turn now.”

The more this situation was progressing, the more dumbfounded I was.

“Alright, so, watch closely, as I can’t show it to you again.”

“Why? This guy will wait anyway, so...?”

“Don’t.” panda said it with sad, resigned voice. “Just don’t. Don’t complicate it anymore.”

“F-fine?”

Shifu took a very familiar position to me. 'Will I be doing some kamehameha?! Nooo waaaay.'

“Right leg forward, be low on knees. Hands to yourself and slooooowlyyyyy... sloooooowlyyyyy...” it seriously looked like kamehameha.

“Moo.”

…

“Moo.” they did it once again.

I recalculate is it worth to embarass myself in front of panda, some guy and people that will eventually see that crap. Decision:

“Nah. I’m good.” I waved and was about to leave.

“W-wait! WAAAIT!” Shifu started yelling. “It’s a very powerful spell! With that, you’ll be able to smash this guy!”

“Nah, mate, I won’t be doing a roleplay of a damn cow. Your circus, your mess. Have a good night.”

“NONONONONON-, I’m seriooooous!” they switched to panicked panda mode. “I aaaaaaam! It’s not a jokeeeeee!”

I gave them the most disgusted face I could ever do.

“After using it, you’ll be able to K.O. him! I’m serious! Serious-serious-serious!”

I won’t be voice-acting a cow. Come on.

“You know your role!” now they were a begging Shifu. “You’re a Chosen One! I’m here to teach you a powerful, deadass spell to get a rid of this douchebag right there! Otherwise my existence, his existence, have no sense in this whole story! We’re just minor characters!”

I mean, Shifu had some right. Following the order of stories like this they’re just here to teach me some deadass skill and then disappear and never heard from again.

“Look, if something go wrong, then you’ll become a decoration near my fireplace.”

“Oh! Oh! So you’re-, wait. What?” I didn’t give them an answer as I did step forward and was about to do it.

'Fucking moo of all the things...' I said to myself.

So I took a kamehameha position and sloooooowlyyyyy...

“Moo.”

The guy in front of us started wheezing and laughing like there was no tomorrow. I thought he will start soon to roll around the snow. Moron.

I angrily glanced at a pile of fur.

“NOW! GOGOGOGOGO!”

“Huh?”

“SLAP HIM! QUICKLY!”

Under the pressure I ran up to a barely standing man. He was still laughing and having a good, damn time. It pissed me off so much that I knocked out some of his manhood. As a punishment. He then, in complete agony, collapsed, and lost a consciousness.

“Hey! What now?”

Panda waddled to me and had a look on a body. Guy wasn’t moving at all.

“Is he dead?” I asked worried.

“Hmm...” panda was stroking his chin. “We need to get rid of a body.”

“SAY WHAT?!” I shouted.

“What?” they said it very calmly, this panda was nuts.

“WHAT “GET RID OF A BODY”?! ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!”

“No, no, I’m not nu-”

“YOU BRAINDEAD MORON! I FUCKING KILLED A GUY! YOU HAVEN’T SAID A WORD ABOUT THAT!”

“Nonono, you didn’t.”

“SO WHY DID YOU MENTION THAT SHIT?!”

They sighed. “Oof, you’re overreacting.”

I... I just... I just fucking can’t...