Regenerating Cells or How I Learned that Feelings are Dangerous

A morning walk can be very rewarding. It is only at this time when the roads are not crowded. One can enjoy the walk in the lap of nature. As one walks, the worries and anxieties vanish away. The feet stride out in a joyful rhythm. The sheer delight of the movement is enough to make the day. In the morning, nature is at its best.

I can hear the chirping of the birds and pigeons. They are seen flying from one branch of a tree to another. Amidst the sheet of thin white fog, the colorful flowers in the park give solace to the heart and a feast to the eyes. The fragrance of the sweet-smelling flowers fills my mind with a freshness that cannot be compared to anything in the world.

Gradually, penetrating through the dense fog, the first rays of lights glimmer and shine across. Now my body begins to respond well to the movements of the limbs and the flow of fresh, cool air one breathes. The momentum now sets in and my legs appear to walk effortlessly. One foot glides over the other as if trying to be the first to land ahead.

Until I woke up.

Looking at both of my hands, I could still feel Her Excellency’s warm touch melting the lukewarm snow from that day. How could snow be cold with her around? Blasphemy! Her power is beyond my mere comprehension. I am only a single ash after her brilliant trail. I can’t understand properly what that dream meant. However, I felt a sense of freedom, like when I am alongside Her Excellency.

“You’re finally awake, Maitreya. We have a lot to do today as well.”

Anael’s voice was coming from the other side of the room. The Twelve Ashes shared bedrooms, two per room. At first, she did not seem quite happy with the idea when I decided to follow Her Excellency; apparently, she was a lone wolf and having her own personal space be suddenly broken would upset me too. However, as months went by, she seemed to get used to this change and I mostly avoided talking with her.

“Lady Esther has departed early for some urgent matters, so we have to make some rounds in town and see if everyone is doing fine.”

“Urgent matters…?”

Her Excellency looked fine yesterday. Was I unable to notice her worries? How disgraceful.

“Anyway, please get ready.” Anael went outside, leaving me by my lonesome.

Bathing in the dim sunlight, I wondered what this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach was.

💧

“Revya! Pleasure working with you today again!”

Eagerly and earnestly, Hanon grabbed my wrists as soon as I entered the main hall.

Whenever I come inside this place, I remember being extremely frightened of it when I came here. It seemed so imposing and somewhat dangerous, especially when music was being played. However, in order to keep the promise I had made to Her Excellency to always be by her side, I saw myself forced to enter. It took me quite a while to get the courage to pass through the old oak door, but the moment I stepped in, I realized just how enchanting and breathtaking this building could be. Its fantastic architecture and exquisite frescoes reflect perfectly the unity between this earth and the unseen realm in such a manner that one cannot say where one ends and the other begins.

The way in which this place was built is also a vivid testimony of a living period. Although it is a place that can sometimes be cold and ask for respect, it is where prayers are answered and magic is done. An overwhelming feeling of inner harmony takes over you once you enter and Her Excellency’s looming presence seems much closer. Darkness and light are welded perfectly together creating this enormous atelier. The tower allows you to see the entire town from the smallest river to the biggest building site, offering you its mightiness.

I simply nodded, enchanted by the hall. The dining room by the left was almost ready for the big event Her Excellency was planning.

“Let’s get going after we do the thing.” Pulling me as if I were a small child, Hanon and I walked toward a statue that was in the centre of the hall. Made of pure marble, its simplicity was out of this world as well as the figure itself. Covered in what seemed to be a cloak, was the one who started everything. “May Destiny enlighten our path to our own becoming.”

“May Destiny enlighten our path to our own becoming.”

In the early winter mornings, when the sunshine is young and playful, inside the atelier another realm is born. Standing near the statue of the Witch of Destiny, one can see a heavenly mist flowing through the windows and filling the sleepy atmosphere with life and hope. It is a different dimension in the breast of an unsuspecting world. Moments such as these bring you joy and reassurance and also show you that there really is someone out there: your soul is elevated, your mind is thirsty for new experiences and your body is strengthened.

“Well, it’s time to go and do some rounds, what do you think?” After a whole minute of silence, Hanon asked me with huge curious eyes.

“Let’s spread Her Excellency’s word,” I replied quite content.

“No, no, nothing so complicated. Just, you know, walk. People watching. That kinda thing.”

💧

We had walked around town for around an hour and a half.

It was still early in the evening when we emerged onto a street, near the fish market. Wooden bait-and-tackle shops with disintegrating roofs and broken signs stood next to shiny newly built stores, rising skyward on either side of narrow, retro streets lined with wholesalers of dried fish.

There were shops selling robes, shops selling construction materials and strange silver instruments I had never seen before, windows stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels’ eyes, tottering piles of books, quills, and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon… Many new artefacts were making their way to this quaint town.

For starters, this small village did not belong to any specific rulership. It was way too far from proper civilization to start with, and very few officers from the Kingdom of Mairtine came by. However, given all these recent advances in the market, I could not help but feel that they were slowly crawling inside this little town.

Restlessness invaded my thoughts.

So much that I was unable to notice when I bumped into an actual soldier from the despicable Kingdom. Like cockroaches spreading, I knew they would eventually wind up here.

“My most sincerest apologies, fine damsel.” The armored man stretched his hand, and I took it to avoid causing a scene. Apparently, I had lost Hanon halfway, given I couldn’t hear her say something. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, thank you,” I replied as politely as possible.

Suddenly, my eyes diverted to something he was holding at arm's length.

“Right, I know it’s uncommon to see soldiers in Laystra. But worry not, we are just making our way to the neighbouring Kingdom of Cillia.” In a hurry, he hid what he had.

They seem to be flyers of some sort. Perhaps some propaganda for this town to merge with Mairtine instead of Cillia.

“I see. Well then, I hope you find this place as a nice resting spot.”

“Thank you very much, miss. I’ll be on my way.”

And with that, the soldier left my sight. Nonetheless, it was almost impossible to stop thinking about what he suspiciously hid. Deep into my musings, Hanon’s voice made its way through my ears.

“Revya…!!!” She hopped right into my back, with small sobs. “I thought I had lost youuuu!!! All I did was see what we were going to buy for dinner tonight and you were not by my side anymoooreeee!!!”

After that little exchange and banter, Hanon mentioned she had bought some fresh mackerel and wanted to hurry back to the Atelier to keep it from rotting. This is why we made our way back at a quickened pace.

Until a mass of people caught our view.

“I wonder what’s up.” Hanon halted, curious by the people that were gathering to look at a wall.

I don’t like this feeling.

Slowly, I walked as if hypnotized.

“Revya…! Hey, wait up!”

Making my way through the sea of people, I was face to face with a terrible omen.

“Witch-hunt decree still ongoing. If you have seen a witch, please report to soldiers from the Kingdom of Mairtine. Remember that witches are dangerous individuals, harbingers of natural disasters and misfortunes.”

Everything suddenly becomes unfamiliar and I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin. I’m absolutely terrified and unable to collect my thoughts properly. Tormenting thoughts shoot left and right through my brain and after each hit I find my heart beating faster by the second. My chest becomes tight and it is hard to breathe. I’m paralyzed with fear; it is impossible to find the right words to say, and I have a sudden aura of loneliness.

Those were the papers that damned soldier had hidden. The witch-hunt decree finally reached us, and Her Excellency might be in danger. Why, why, why, why!

I reached for one of the posters and took it out, running with no sense of direction. I felt unsafe as if I were losing the only place I could call home. I was unable to even know where I was going, I just wanted to escape it all and find a safe haven for Her Excellency and me, the person who saved me and made me recover what I had lost.

In such a short time, I could feel snow entering my shoes. I had run such a long distance I made it all the way to almost the entrance of the mountain trail, a place where it always snowed no matter the season. Needless to say, in winter it snowed way more than what it usually did. With an empty mind, all I did was now walk in order to keep those frightening thoughts at bay.

Gazing at the winter trees, it's hard to imagine them re-clothed in their finery. With roots buried deep in the frozen earth they sleep, their twigs moving in the breeze, stirring their wintry dreams. Ice forms and melts, snow showers come and go.

Beneath a silky layer of white, beneath the angel's carpet of snow, an aquamarine lake shined through with an ethereal glow. It was unfrozen, and that caught my curiosity. With pitters and patters, I went there as if pulled by some invisible force.

“I think you are free now.”

That voice. I know that voice perfectly well.

“How can I thank you, Esther?”

A voice I had never heard before in my life was addressing Her Excellency with no respect whatsoever.

“It’s nothing! However, how did you even manage to get possessed by seven spirits? They were lesser spirits so I don’t know if to say if you’re lucky or unlucky at this point…” She giggled.

Her Excellency giggled. She. Giggled. Such an angelic voice and carefree laughter.

“Well, truth to be told I have no idea. I think I went too far into the forest.”

“Be thankful that these little spirits were playing a prank, who knows what would’ve happened if they were going at it for reals.”

I want to see. I want to know. Who are you talking to with such happiness? Much more so than the one you show to me?

“Still, please let me repay you.”

“Don’t be silly Kinnereth, I said it’s nothing!”

A blush. I saw a little blush on Her Excellency’s cheeks.

As well as the man she was talking to. He was tall, with white hair and a green vest. Nothing out of the ordinary. Yet Her Excellency seemed to be enchanted with some sort of spell. What was I seeing? Was it a vision from a playful spirit? Was I dreaming?

Something is breaking, and I don’t know what it is.

💧

Three days later, Kinnereth Magdala appeared inside the Atelier. Her Excellency was taken aback, as well as the rest of the Twelve Ashes. Except me.

He made his way where Her Excellency was sitting down after introducing him and held her hands closely.

Despicable, How dare he.

That was when a sweet aroma made its way inside this holy place.

How dare he, how dare he, how dare he.

Small talk opened between all the Ashes, while I could only look with displeasure what was going on. Is it anger? Is it hate? No, that’s impossible. Her Excellency would reprimand me for that. Still, what is this feeling welling up inside my chest? Why does it hurt so so much?

After that, a few hours went by and he left. Unable to hold it anymore, I rushed to Her Excellency’s side.

“Ah, Maitreya.” She seemed to be out of it.

“Her Excellency.”

“Are you okay?” She extended her hands toward my cheeks, I retaliated.

Why… did I do that?

Her Excellency’s pink eyes shine died down quite a little.

“I am sure that Mr.Magdala’s visit was quite a shock, especially after what he did. However, I would like you to welcome him as one of us now.” A small smile was painted on her lips.

One of us?  And why so polite towrd him? I know you two are so, so, so, so close! I never… Never. Never. Never!  NEVER ACCEPT THAT! I am enduring the Twelve Ashes just to be with YOU. I only care about YOU. Why should I… WHY SHOULD I.

Her excellency looked away.

Something is broken.

Gathering its shards in my palm, I’m simply dumbfounded.

How many tears should I shed? When I go through something like this… I want to have another encounter with you. I feel as if I were drowning by the sadness in the abyss of regret, however, I nevertheless looked for light. If everything disappears into the distant oblivion… And the pain goes away...

“Maitreya… do you want to have a walk on the beach? Just the two of us.”

A playful wink coiled deep into something that had been dead.

Dead for a very long time.

Something started to regenerate within me, just like a cell. Something I didn’t know nor understand. That regenerating cell was what Her Excellency gave me that day I renounced to everything in the dead of the night, running a distance I can barely remember now. The day I learned that snow could be warm, just like her healing touch.

Feelings. So these… are what feelings are like.

I suddenly forgot all the unhappiness in the world… and nodded.

This is dangerous, so much that I might lose myself because of you.

The cells once dead, will be reborn.