Chapter 5: Home

“I’ll… die?”

Even saying it didn’t make it seem real. “What do you mean I’ll die?”

Leilandry solemnly lowered her head. “When a vampire enters Pah-Nath, the amount of energy they drain increases with each feeding. And by the final feeding… Well, if you were whole it would be one thing, but with what lifeforce you have left there isn’t a prayer.”

“…I see… so it was always going to come down to this…”

It was strangely freeing. Hearing he would have to die in order to save Sora should have given him pause, but it only served to strengthen his resolve. It was like it was meant to be. My life… for hers.

“It’s in your hands.” Leilandry’s voice was somber and quiet. “There's one feeding to go before...  Well. You don’t have to decide right away.”

Damien took Sora by the hand and met Leilandry’s gaze. “It’s time, right?”

Leilandry looked reluctant. She nodded and walked over to Sora and prepared her to feed.

“Even if you haven't made your decision yet, you can still-”

Damien felt a smile creep up his face. “What was that word you used? Duty? If giving up my life will help her, then I’ll gladly do my duty.”

The pain this time made the previous feedings feel like a kitten nipping on his fingers in comparison. Every second was like agony as Damien's life was voraciously ripped from him like Sora had clawed open his heart and devoured it in his chest. He tried his hardest to withstand the pain for her sake but he couldn’t, the heavy weight of unconsciousness bearing down on him again.

…

Damien knew he was asleep. The stinging aroma of firegrass in his lungs was a nostalgic scent that belonged only to the world of dreams.

He was standing with Sora in the field, a mountain of rubble stretched out before their eyes. Charred stones were all that remained of Castle Silverscale.

Having never returned to Silvalley, Damien hadn’t seen the wreckage himself. But he'd often imagined the carnage, and his mind had now painted for him a gruesome picture of scorched stone and charred flesh.

Sora stared silently at the ruin, and Damien heard himself start to speak.

“This was Silverscale. Once, it was my home.” He couldn’t think of anything more to say. There was a time he could have described in exquisite detail the imperious majesty of the high stone walls, or the way the firegrass fields shimmered bright orange in the morning sun, or how the grand hearth’s crackling flames warmed him down to his soul, but none of those words touched his lips. He had lost his home long before it burned to ash, and the memories that remained were empty and hollow.

I didn’t… think it would hurt this much… He knew it a figment of his imagination, but the sight of that wreckage dug into his chest and pried away the numbness, exposing the scars of his heart to the light once again.

But before he could break, warmth blossomed through his arm.

Sora’s tiny hand had grabbed his, and she looked up at him with her big, trembling red eyes. She wore a crooked smile.

“It’s… okay, Dami…” Her voice was shakier than he felt. “I… don’t have a home either.”

When Damien awoke, his hand was still warm. He squeezed Sora's tightly, relieved to see the color starting to return to her cheeks.

Leilandry didn’t share in his relief. Her gaze was dark and stony, her lips pursed tightly. She placed another cup of tea in front of him.

“How are you feeling?” She coldly asked.

“Better than I have in hours.” Damien stretched. He was amazed at how good he felt, like Sora had sucked away the pain and fatigue along with his lifeforce.

“Be that as it may, it doesn’t change anything,” Leilandry said, placing her hand on his forehead. “Your vitality has dwindled to a few flickering embers. If she takes any more then you’ll die.”

He’d been in a fugue when she’d first explained it, but now his head was clear. If he had to give up his own life to make sure Sora fully recovered, that was a sacrifice he would gladly make.

“If that’s what it takes,” he murmured, reaching over to stroke the girl’s hair.

“…I don’t understand. It’s one thing to want to keep her safe, but it’s another to give up your life for hers, when you’ve only known her a month!” Leilandry was looking at him like he was a madman. Maybe he was.

But he had never felt more certain about anything.

“It’s my duty. You were all about that before, weren’t you? My life for hers… it’s the only right choice.” Damien pushed past her confusion. “Wouldn’t you do the same? For that Nightcursed boy? If you could sacrifice your life to bring him back, are you telling me you wouldn’t make that sacrifice?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Leilandry snapped, her eyes glaring daggers at him. “Whatever guilt I might feel over that boy’s death, it doesn’t change the fact that my duty isn’t to him, it’s to people like her that need my help! If I can save the lives my hands can reach, that’s worth a lot more than the life of one boy!”

Leilandry’s words were harsh, but even Damien couldn’t deny the truth in them. The weight of her statement was like a cold slap in the face, but he wouldn’t be deterred.

“…I’m… a teacher,” he confessed. “A professor of magic at the Rem Magic Academy.”

Leilandry seemed to perk up at this.

“What you said just now, about saving the lives you could reach, that was… that was the reason I became a teacher in the first place. I thought that if my life could never amount to anything, then at least I could help my students find their place in the sky.” He pictured the faces of his former pupils and felt his heart waver. He wouldn’t see any of them again. But as quickly as that hesitation had appeared, he pushed it aside.

“You could still do a lot of good,” Leilandry whispered. “But you’ll give all that up… just to save that girl?”

It went without saying. Sora’s smiling face was his salvation; with this, he could finally atone.

“…Even if I was willing to make the choice you’re making…” Leilandry’s words were filled with anger. “I still wouldn’t be doing it with a smile on my face.”

Damien blinked. Was he smiling? He hadn’t realized it. “This… this is just…”

“This is just your life you’re talking about! And you aren’t even going to think about it? You don’t have second thoughts about sacrificing yourself? How can you be smiling?” Leilandry seemed to be trying to dig something out of him.

“What is it? Why are you so willing to die for the sake of a girl you barely know?!”

It was surprising how easily it came out of him. Damien had kept his secrets so fiercely guarded from Leilandry before, but knowing his atonement was so close at hand made it all seem so unimportant.

“You wanted to know what I was hiding, didn’t you? The ‘sin’ that’s plagued me all these years?” Damien asked, looking up at her. “You may not be a priest, but since this is my last night alive, could you do me the favor of taking my confession?”

Leilandry nodded her head, resigned.

Damien began telling his story.

“You said before that I had the eyes of a soldier. Well, you were right. But I didn’t fight in the Estvalian Insurrection. It was before that. The Third Sky War, that was the one.”

Her eyes widened. “That far back? But you would have been a child!”

“A child, that’s right, just a boy,” Damien nodded. “A boy blinded with glory, who’d never cast magic upon an enemy before.

“In the final days of the war, with Sevnord pushed onto the retreat, the soldiers were drunk on the taste of victory. And my father’s battalion was no different. We were careless and sloppy, eager for the fighting to be over. As for me, it was my first skirmish in the field, so I was more eager than any of them. As my father’s heir, I wanted to make a name for myself. So when I saw their banners on the horizon I broke formation and charged.” The memory of the battle itself was all a blur of blood and screams, lost to the fog of time. But what came after…

“When the dust had settled, we had crushed their forces and driven them back, but the losses we suffered were just as serious. So many dead and wounded, so many more than I imagined. Men I had traveled with for months, shared drinks with. Men I admired, men I called my friends. If I hadn’t broken the line, would they still have been alive?” His voice shook and tears clouded his eyes.

“Would my father… still be alive?”

“So that’s what it was… your recklessness led to your father’s death.” 

Leilandry and Damien shared a look. Their sins bore similar weight.

Damien shook his head. “It would be one thing if it stopped there. But my father didn’t succumb to his wounds right away. He held on, clinging to life in spite of the futility of it. But it wasn’t a healer he called for in his tent. It was me. That was all he wanted. For his son to be at his side in his final hours. But I couldn’t give that to him.”

Damien couldn’t endure the silent judgment in Leilandry’s eyes and looked down at the floor.

“When I heard my father was dying, I couldn’t accept it. One of the men said the foe who had cut him down was the enemy commander, who’d escaped in the chaos, and when I heard that I left my father’s bedside to go out to avenge him. He begged me not to go, but I…” Damien’s voice caught in his throat. “…And I did it, too. Some men and I managed to track down the remnants of their force, and took the bastard’s life with my own two hands. And when I dug my sword into his coward heart, it felt like justice.”

Liar.

“At least… that was what I told myself. It was some time before I could acknowledge the truth. You see Leilandry, to the me back then, my father wasn’t a man. He was a dragon made flesh, a titan who could never fail. And seeing him like that, weak and helpless with the life draining out of his wounds, it was more than I could stomach. I told myself I was getting revenge for my father, but really I was just too much of a coward to watch him die.”

Damien raised his head. “So that was my first sin. My foolishness cost my father his life, and rather than giving him comfort in his final hours, I went out to do more killing. He died with my name on his lips, a name I’d dishonored.” The tears were pouring out now, and Damien didn’t fight them. “And when I saw his cold body lying there, I knew, I knew what a mistake I’d made, and I-!”

He had to stop. He found no comfort in the stinging tea, but its bitter bite gave him the will to keep going. He inhaled sharply and sat up. “…So I renounced it. I’d dishonored my family and everything my father fought and died for. I cast aside my name and became no one, in penance for what I’d done.”

And that was my second sin.

It felt like hours, but the words finally left his lips.

“There’s a reason that I never returned to Silvalley until tonight. Why I never walked through this old town, or visited the ruins filled with the wails of long-dead dragons. This… was my home. My father was like a king, and I was his prince. But I renounced his titles in honor of my sweet sister. And as the years wore on and I heard of her triumphs, about the great Lady Marea of Silverscale, I knew that some good had come out of my crimes. I had finally done something right.”

“…You’re Darren Harker...” Leilandry’s realization and awe mixed together in her soft voice.

“Once. Once I had a family. A father I idolized, a mother I loved, a sister I treasured, and though I never knew him, a nephew. But they’re all gone now. Burned in the ashes of Silverscale at the hands of Estvalians. All because of my foolish sense of duty.”

If Damien hadn’t renounced his name, if he had taken his seat as Lord of Silverscale and protected his family the way he should have, then maybe he would be able to stomach the face he saw in the mirror.

As if reading his mind Leilandry asked him, “what would you have done? Are you so great a warrior that your presence could have saved anyone? That isn’t your sin to bear. With or without you, Silverscale still would have burned.”

“Then at least I would have burned with them.”

The scorn in her gaze didn’t faze him. He’d confessed his sins, and he felt like he was finally free of the weight that had burdened him for so many years.

Damien turned to Sora and took her hand in his once more.

“When I met Sora, something inside said that she was my destiny. If my sister's boy had lived, they would be the same age. She’s my second chance, my opportunity to make amends for my mistakes. If my life of sin and foolishness can be spent saving hers, how could I not sacrifice it?”

Damien searched Leilandry’s eyes for some glimmer of acceptance, but found nothing but rebuke. No matter. What she thought of him meant nothing, all that mattered was Sora.

“…So that’s it, then.” Leilandry rose from her seat and approached him, glaring down with her cold green eyes. “That’s your reason for sacrificing yourself?”

“This is my atonement.”

The pain in his cheek dazed him as he fell to the floor, staring up at her in disbelief.

“Are you mad?!” Leilandry roared, standing over him. Her face was twisted with rage and grief, her hand raised high. “You think that poor girl is just some tool for your own satisfaction?!”

As Damien’s shock wore off, anger rose up to take its place. “Of course not! All I want is for her to be happy! I just-“

“No, no, not even close!” Leilandry snarled, digging her heel into his shoulder. “What you want is something to die for! That’s why you didn’t hesitate for an instant when I said you’d have to die to help her! You leapt at the opportunity, with a smile on your face! Because when all’s said and done, what you’re really after isn’t some happy family life with a vampire child, you just want a cause noble enough to die for in order to ease your conscience! Well sorry round-ears, this one isn’t it!”

“What do you know?!” Damien growled from beneath her. “Sora isn’t just a tool to me! She’s…!”

“Oh? She’s what?” Leilandry snapped, kneeling down on his chest and grabbing him by the throat. “She’s what, huh?”

Damien struggled to answer. He could see Sora’s smiling face burning a hole in his mind, but when it came to words…

Leilandry shook her head in disgust. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

“Well what choice do I have?!” Damien spat back at her. "You said it yourself! She’s going to die if she doesn’t feed off me, so-"

“This isn’t about your choices!” Leilandry jammed her finger into his chest so hard he heard a rib crack. “It’s about this! Right here! It’s about you, dying for that girl to feel better about yourself, when that’s the last thing she would ever want!”

Damien’s mind went blank. What had she just said?

“Have you even thought about it? How she’ll feel, when she wakes up in the morning?” Leilandry asked. Her voice was choking back tears. “The only person to ever show her kindness, dead at her feet. Drained by her own hand. Do you think that would be nothing to her?”

Sora’s smiling face began to crack before Damien’s eyes.

“When your father died, it destroyed you. What if it had been you who’d swung the sword? What? She’s supposed to go on by herself, knowing she killed you?! Don’t you get it, Damien?! You’re the only thing she has! You took her in off the street and gave her a home, and if you die, guess what? She’s right back out there! But you didn’t think about that, did you? Because you never really gave a damn about Sora beyond using her to feel better about yourself, because the only person you care about is you!”

No! NO! She was wrong, she had to be wrong! Sora wasn’t just a tool to him, she wasn’t! She was… she…

What was she?

The joy he felt when she showed him her smile for the first time, was that just the leavening of his guilt? His desperation at her sickness, had that all been because he feared he’d be unable to save her, like he hadn’t been able to save his family?

No, no, no! Sora… she was more than that, she had to be!

“Dami…? I’m scared. I don’t like thunderstorms…”

That’s right. That was it. That was the night.

Sora had never approached him before that night, during a storm far worse than this one. She’d been so wary of him, but her fear had finally won over, and she asked to sleep with him. He remembered how soft and warm she was as he held her close to his chest. The tiny sounds of her breathing in his arms, the gentle beat of her heart, it had felt like he’d found something he’d lost long ago.

He’d felt complete.

He wasn’t thinking of his father, or Marea and her family. He’d been thinking about Sora, and that had been enough.

How had he forgotten that so easily?

“Please,” he choked out, Leilandry’s face blurring behind his tears. “Please, you have to let me save her! I need to save her! I can’t let her die!”

And shockingly, Leilandry smiled.

She let him go and gingerly wiped his eyes, her face filled with warmth. “Now those are the eyes I want to see,” she whispered. “Not ones clouded with guilt.”

“Doctor…” Damien was lost. Leilandry was right, in the end. He couldn’t die. If he died, then Sora would be alone again, and he’d never let that happen. But if she didn’t feed then he’d lose her.

What was he supposed to do?

“Now that we’ve got you thinking clearly, let’s save your little girl,” Leilandry said, rising to her feet.

“But if she feeds on me, then…”

“I told you before, didn’t I? I’m not having another soldier die on me tonight.” She rolled up her sleeves and knelt down next to Sora, taking her by the hand.

She couldn’t be.

“You don’t need to take all the burden onto yourself. Sora isn’t your atonement, Damien, and you aren’t the only one willing to sacrifice to help her. She’s a child, and she’s my patient.”

For the first time, Damien saw what it was like for someone to be struck with Dark Lightning. As Sora began her final feeding, Leilandry showed him her gallant figure. The pain must have been agonizing, worse than anything he had endured, but she never let it show. Carrying a strength Damien could only envy, she gazed at Sora with determined eyes and a gentle smile. 

Even as she fell into unconsciousness, she kept her head held high.

…

When dawn came, the storm had finally broken. The birds chirped in the sky and sunlight streamed down into the clinic, illuminating Sora’s sleeping figure. It was like she had never gotten sick at all. As Damien watched over her, her rosy cheeks twitched and her eyelids fluttered, and finally, finally, she awoke from a sleep that he felt had lasted an eternity.

“Dami…?” Sora looked warily at him and yawned. “Where am I?”

Damien burst out laughing. He threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly, pulling a startled yelp from her lips.

“It’s okay. You’re safe now. Don’t worry.”

“I had a really scary dream…” She hugged him back. It was the first time she’d done that. “But someone was holding my hand the whole time, so I didn’t get afraid even once.”

She was so warm he could hug her forever.

“That’s my girl,” he murmured. “Let’s go home.”