A Sussy Baka Proposal

It is with eyes full of shame and indignation for those who walk through this industrious city, or travel through the quaint suburbs, when they see the crosswalks, the marketplaces, the avenues of retail, occupied only by the withered denizens of a nation. Alone, as they go about their normal lives of earning an honest wage or taking care of a household. These husbands and wives, worked to the bone for the sake of another, employing all their time carving a means of sustenance for their worthless children: who as they grow up either turn to a life of apathy and not of employment, or leave their warmly coddled homes to engage in self-declared conquest, or sell themselves to whatever fancy that goes against tradition.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this exorbitant number of dependents weighing upon the purses of their mothers, emptying the wallets of their fathers, and thereby jeopardizing any hopes of a self-sufficient retirement, is in the present deplorable state of this nation a very great burden; and, therefore, whoever could enact a reasonable, thrifty, and sensible method of turning these children into respectable, useful members of society, any society, would deserve the acclaim and recognition so well of the public as to have their name carved into the annals of history, or at the very least, a trending hashtag.

But my intention is far from limited to providing only for those very children who syphon off those that barely manage the façade of a household; it is of a much wider extent, and shall take into account the totality of minors born of parents that have little choice but to support them at the expense of their own pursuit of happiness.

As to my own experience, having weighed my thoughts for many years upon this dire topic, and consequently analyzed numerous schemes of other surveyors, I have always found error in their compensations. It is true, a child thrust into society may engage in blissful ignorance to the time of their elementary years, which the government may be happy to bolster their good image by giving aid to small beings that could hardly fend for themselves. As a nation with respect for the Gods, we should ask such deities to bless such parents with the luck and fortitude to provide for them until that period, while alleviating the constant burden of wanting food and shelter by offering them as sacrifice for the greater good to aid thousands, possibly millions elsewhere.

There is likewise another advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent the untimely disasters of evil beings, and the horrid destruction that would ensue (Alas! All to frequent it seems!) due to the lack of able volunteers, willing to give up comfort for glory, which my doubts are placed in their want for trying. Such gross negligence would move tears and pity from the most savage and inhuman seeking any measure of hope in salvation.

The number of souls in this prosperous nation border on 126 million, of these I calculate just over 1 million existing as of this very moment who laze around, not employed, not schooled, nor lack of any training; from which I subtract a substantial 100,000 who may be in such a state transiently, although I confess my skepticism that so many are able to pull themselves from their lack of worth unaided given their social media tags; but this being granted, there will remain 900,000 able bodies ready for immediate processing. Presuming an estimate of 200,000 annually who fall into despair over social ineptitude, poor evaluations, and nihilistic views of the world, this starting amount acts as a sufficient buffer to transfer an exuberant amount in efforts to correct evils elsewhere.

The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and maintained. Given the aging populace, for which I have already said, we find it utterly impossible to support this nation by their means alone. For we can neither employ them in higher wage brackets opportune of their standing; we neither provide land outside of inconvenient rice paddies and ghost towns; new couples can very seldom be relied upon to marry and copulate on their own, unless incentives are delivered in timely fashion. And that is considering only 1% of couples of child-bearing age need the motivation to contribute to the pipeline annually.

As I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the district of Shinjuku, who supported my claims that he never knew any such instance where a couple even had the time to spare for such an act under proper settings, as the wife remained home alone while the husband laid drunken and unconscious in a capsule hotel.

Rather, he requested that I turn to the riajuus who have yet to succumb to the humdrum of self-sustained livelihood, those who can irresponsibly spread their seed with little consequence of their intentions. I am assured by sectors of business and commerce, that boys and girls of such social aptitude become no marketable assets in the workforce; nor are they liable to care if such progeny is dumped upon the more responsible members of their family. Even if so much as a small fraction of such entities exist, they can adequately serve as facets for steady copulation. Such reckless indulgence would be better encouraged for the benefit of all parties, over the resources needed to quell the furies such alpha humans appear to possess.

I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will see not the least of objections.

I have been assured by a very knowing otherworlder in occupancy of Tokyo, that a young healthy boy or girl, especially those possessing skills that are deemed beta by society, can become the most excellent of heroes, whether they possess god-like skills or not from the onset; and I make no doubt that whatever situation they are thrown into, they will equally serve their host worlds with some great capacity or commit an honorable death more worthy than such is possible if left unbothered.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consensus that of the 900,000, a third of which are males that fit the standards impeccably, be moved to delivery at once, whether by means of excessive gaming, malnutrition, divine providence, or the grill of a moving vehicle (my person favorite), as to rebalance the genders of the remaining for future inquiry. It is my reason that those selected would be all too happy to give up their languish ways, in favor of borrowed bravado and more women than their libido can handle; advising the caretakers to be particularly harsh and unforgiving in the last month before their selection. A desperate teenager will carry no baggage into their new world, no desire to return or reasons to reflect upon faceless parents and generic backgrounds.

I have reckoned upon a summoner that a teenager of self-insertable qualities is the easiest to impress, their hearts willing to engage in even the slightest whims of others.

I grant that their personalities will be beta, due to environment and not by birth, and therefore perfect to mislead by their worshipers, who, as they have called many others that perished under the same objectives, seem to have the best method of capitalizing upon their failures.

Generic teenagers will be on hand throughout the year, but more plentiful after a blockbuster video game, and a little before and after; for we are told by shopkeepers in Akihabara, that some actually wait for reviews rather than preorder out of a whim. As such, the homes will be more glutted than usual at the onset of market, with the tide rolling one way or the other, depending on the extent of hot takes occurring on Instagram and Twitter.

I have already computed the divine energy required to compensate such a venture (in which list I reckon the standard family mainly, and the occasional gay couple) to be two rungs upon the reincarnation cycle for 10-15 years of one’s vitality. I believe few persons would shy away from the liberty of becoming a person of greater birthright for a fraction of lifetime in hardship. Thus the world will have a hero to appease them, and the couples back home can bask in the security of a better next life, and be fit for their ventures till they accept another child out of wedlock.

Those that are more conniving (as I must confess the situation sometimes require) may find other uses for their impressionable hero, forcing him or her to become a ruler or god, with the right system abilities for the occasion. This point has no weight upon this proposal, as it falls outside of this nation’s jurisdiction.

As to our city of Tokyo, drivers may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient of side streets, as those possessing carelessness we may be assured are not lacking; although I rather recommend running them over under the blare of a changing crosswalk of an unoccupied road, as we typically send off people of little value.

A very worthy person, a true lover of not only our world but all others, and whose virtues are no less than divine, was lately pleased in discussing this matter to offer an adjustment to my outline. He said that many citizens of a particular world, having been destroyed by the resident demon lord, were in want of able-bodied youngsters to serve not only as the hero but his attendants as well. So desperate was that world ready to accept immature minds to fill in for their rulers, their captains, their thinkers, and their merchants, that they were willing to degrade their very geniuses to bolster the egos of such transferees. And so willing to offer their best of sons and daughters, simply to recuperate the population of those considered mid.

But with due respect to such an excellent friend and so divine a purpose, I cannot be fully on board with such requests; as for the males, my resident otherworlder friend has assured me, that their powers came from the swing of their fists and the swagger of their loins, not from exercise in mental capacity. Then as to the females, it would, I presume, that they find themselves worshipped for the very act of simply existing; any able men sent along with them simping hard enough to be included in her collective harem. A sizeable influx of either gender or both would dilute the impact they would have on the world, as each would be vying for their chance as the faceless protagonist.

And besides, it is not unlikely that some unwholesome people might apt to censure such flagrant expenditure of resources (in their usual cringey ways), as a testament to cruelty; which, I confess, happens with any such proposal displayed to public eyes, regardless of well intentions.

But in defense of my friend, he confessed that this earnest plea was delivered by a famous sage of their world, who prophesied correctly that the otherworld knowledge of a gamer would manage to overthrow the conspiracies of a mad follower to the King, and such noble actions led to the general prosperity and longevity of a land filled with strife. Neither can I deny, that if the same practice were performed upon other similarly war-torn worlds, satisfactory conclusions would be the outcome of it, or that the world would not be worse off.

Some persons offer a pessimistic outlook of the growing discrepancy between those of entering working age needing to support the ones exiting it, and I have desired to exercise what I take as the most optimal solution to ease a nation crumbling under the weight of baby boomers, and now millennials. But I am not in the least hurt by the matter, as parents have the right to choose whether to shrivel up and wither into soulless husks, or kick their parasites to the curb and leave them to fend for themselves. And as for the young hermits, they are in no less of a dilemma; they cannot work, and consequently squander all opportunities that come their way, to a degree that even if one landed squarely upon their lap, they have not the will to perform it; and thus the nation is willing to sweep them to the backsides of underpasses and bridges to waste away and commit no further travesty. But far be it that I do not admit some possibility for them to stand upon their own.

I have sidetracked, and therefore shall return to the matter at hand. The advantages of such a proposal are obvious and many, and of the greatest importance.

First, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the population of those wasting away our precious commodities, leaving our neighbors to mock our average citizen as spineless conformists; and who stay home on purpose with the intention of self-gratification and self-indulgence, who have chosen rather to bring shame upon their households and neighborhoods, while solely engaging with interlopers upon a fictional plane of existence.

Second, the poorer parents will be guaranteed an object of value of their own, which by law may be liable for mortgage to help sustain the upkeep of their environment, a necessity to foster the proper mindset of one only needed elsewhere.

Third, the maintenance of such offspring, for the upwards of a decade and beyond, cannot hope to last without some measure of promise, their efforts not completely laid to waste by the whims of the young. Though the guarantee cannot be accessed until the next life, the conviction of its permanence will circulate among ourselves, the pride of being rewarded for aiding another world through our own means and making, an added bonus.

Fourth, the parents, aside from having their savings and sanity syphoned from them until maturity, will be rid of the duty of maintaining them after they are sent away.

Fifth, these heroes would likewise bring the greatest customs to their host worlds, where residents keen of mind will certainly be so prudent as to acquire the best of ideas to repurpose, and consequently have their coffers filled with gold from all the fine gentlemen, who recognize such value despite abstract concepts. And a skillful merchant, who ponders possibilities beyond their own world’s limits, will contrive to monopolize such extravagances without the heroes’ notice.

Sixth, this would greatly uplift the perception of the shut-ins, which nations have tried to ignore either out of shame or negligence. It would provide meaning to those who willingly decide to reject society, carving their own artistry (or what they claim as such) rather than building the foundations needed to become efficient and productive cogs of society. Placing their value in high regards would lessen the risk them being beaten and permanently disabled due to loss of patience, as a greater fondness, like children with their material and/or fictional possessions, comes naturally when value is attached.

Many other advantages might be considered. For instance, the randomness of a hero succeeding with makeshift talents and faults is execrably left up to chance. Whatever deity responsible for it can give only cursory attention to a candidate’s review before making the decision. The value of a carefully watched and meticulously optimized trash human would bring about an increased success among those fielded for transport. But this and other reasons, I shall hold back for conciseness.

Supposing that 50000 worlds would be in need of constant saving, aside from the particularly harrowing worlds where evil has run rampant, I compute a yearly number of 100,000 teenagers be sent as the main characters, as there is always room for the two to become bitter rivals, with the remaining 100,000 placed in stasis, ready to be substituted at any given moment should another fall, none the wiser.

I firmly believe of no real objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it be noted that a significant (but still fractional) portion of people will be removed from the borders of this very nation to that of another world entirely. This I freely acknowledge, and it is by design I offer it to this world and others. I challenge the reader to observe that my constructed remedy is for this one sanctuary of introversy, and for no other that ever exists upon this Earth, to my knowledge. Therefore, let no man deride me for such oversights: of abolishing net neutrality to selectively tax their heavy streaming sessions; of allowing foreign conveniences be delivered upon their doorstep without so much as touching a single blade of grass; of curing the addiction of loot box induced dopamine; of introducing a manner of moderation, restraint and forward-thinking; of sympathy toward our households and neighbors, where we differ by flimsily constructed social norms; of quitting our toxicity and slander, nor acting like haters indignant of others desecrating their based opinions; of simping for the first thing that bats a voice of confirmation bias; of teaching that personal space means not to shut out but to grace with mercy; lastly, of putting an honest effort in what has been done, and have those around them recognize that pride can be placed in the most meaningless of endeavors, rather than immediately unite to exact upon a scale of norms, of measures and comparisons justified for the sake of a one-sided proposal that is so often earnestly thrust forward.

Therefore I repeat, let no man deride me of such oversights, lest some glimmer of hope persists, that there will ever be some honest and concrete attempt at putting them into practice.

But, alas, having worn myself to the bone with offering progressive thoughts in vain, and at length being simply subjected to cringe, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, with its freshness rating of 100%, has real and consequential merit, of no extra burden upon society, enabled by the Gods, and poses no danger to the prosperity of Nippon. For those that are already out of sight shan’t be missed, their presences so ephemeral that they will soon be forgotten. As I could name another world which would sing their praises in our stead.

After all, I am not so salty as to reject any offer proposed by intellectuals, should they manage to find a method equally moral, thrifty, painless, and impactful. But before something of that sort shall challenge my own design, and offer their hot take, I wish for said authors merely consider two points with a grain of salt. First, how they will alleviate the burden of over 1 million sloths, hermits and rebellious teenagers who think they know better than their elders. And secondly, the millions of citizens that are driven or have come close to the line of poverty shouldering the debts of those that consume but do not give back. I ask of these critics who hold my grievances in tainted lenses, if they can be so bold as to give an answer, much less a solution, that they first ask the ignored themselves whether they would be better off dead and whisked away to a fantasy world, thereby avoiding such misfortunes as being despised for their God-given talents, fighting tooth and nail for bare minimum wage, shouldering the impossibility of digging out of a rut with nil support, or claiming that they shall remain forever virgins outside of their imaginary 2D waifus.

I profess, with all sincerity, that I have no stake in the success of this aforementioned proposal; having no other motive but to serve the general interest of my nation, by enrichening our possibilities, offering the scorned second chances, relieving the aged workforce, and giving some measure of hope to distant worlds in need of saving. I am well past my prime, the worlds need not a relic for a savior, nor do I wish to share my living quarters with those of similar interests. It is my farthest intention to associate with such manner of people; by contrast, I see myself as among the upper echelon of the highly-functioning in society.

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Don't ask me why I wrote this parody. I have no idea myself... Some of you may recognize a strong parallel to an existing essay of satire, which I drew heavily from.