Chapter 9:

8. a crying fool

Lost souls: Road to Godhood

After cleaning himself, he put on a pair of shorts and a linen shirt. Even though the set of clothes belonged to Lewis and was a bit too tight for Luz's liking, he was amazed by its quality nonetheless.

"I'm sorry, Luz, but you will get your own clothes tomorrow after meeting Alfred again," commented Lewis, after glancing at Luz.

"It's ok," replied Luz while playing with his clothes. It took him a few minutes to realize that the shirt had a small sigil on his left side.

But before he could stare at the sigil depicting a small golden eagle with two heads, Lewis called for him, and the two went back to their rooms.

The corridor was pretty dark, and each of their steps echoed loudly, which made the atmosphere even more creepy. Fortunately, it did not take long until the two reached their room.

Upon entering, Luz saw the contentedly sleeping and snoring children, which reminded him of his own siblings. Whenever he came home late at night from hunting or hiking, the same peaceful sight awaited him.

"So for what are you waiting?" asked Lewis while yawning halfway through his comment, waiting for Luz to go in his bed.

"Nothing," commented Luz before climbing onto the bed above Lewis. The mattress was a bit harder and stiffer than what he was used to, while the blanket was thinner but softer.

Even though Luz was exhausted to a point where a regular person would fall asleep after closing their eyes for a second, he couldn't since thousands of thoughts bothered him.

Thoughts ranging from, where the hell am I? Where are my siblings? Are they even alive? If yes, what is happening to them? Will I ever see them again?

These thoughts plagued him the whole night.

'Gab, Raph, Az, Michael, my dear siblings. I hope all of you have survived and are hopefully in a better situation than I am. Even though my place isn't that bad,' thought Luz while shifting his sleeping position. This caused his bed frame to squeak.

'It's already been a few days, and I miss you all. Well, it's not like I don't miss the others, but my heart can't handle thinking about my future. Alone the thoughts that we never had the chance to say goodbye to our parents, villagers, to the girl I had a crush on, aches my heart.'

Luz's thoughts took a grim turn as streams of tears flowed down his cheeks while he was gritting his teeth in frustration.

"I-I just ca-can't accept it," Luz stammered in anguish in a low voice as he couldn't face his own regrets, which were overwhelming him at the moment.

Lewis heard the quiet sobbing of Luz, who did his best to suppress it. After all, he was almost a grown-ass man, and a tinge of shame was still blossoming in his heart.

"Tell me, god, what did we do to deserve such a tragic ending?" Luz cursed in silence as wrath began to fill his heart while his eyes were fixed towards the ceiling.

His teary and ugly face twisted further, and after receiving no response, Luz silently prayed for his siblings' well-being. Even though the room was warm, Luz couldn't feel any of it and felt a seeping cold invading his body, to which he seemed numb.

'I just hope that every one of you is doing fine and that I'll find you all soon. You… you four are the only people I have left in this godforsaken world, and I can't lose any of you too,' Luz whispered with bloody red eyes as he continued to wet his sheet with his salty tears that streamed down his cheeks like rivers.

Even though Luz prayed for the most optimistic ending, he was still in his heart a pessimist and one who also resembled Atlas. No matter how hard Luz's parents tried, they could not change his tendency to carry all the burdens and blame himself for every misfortune that happened to the people he was close to.

That's why it was no wonder that Luz's thoughts changed from praying for the safety of his siblings to self-blame and regret.

Luz just couldn't be content with himself even though his sacrifice gave them all of his siblings and himself a future. But the future could have been better.

Perhaps he could have performed a miracle if he had studied the spell more diligently instead of switching his focus onto the other elements. Maybe if he taught his siblings how one survives on their own, they might have an easier time and be more likely to survive.

The list of things he regrets goes further. But as the narrator, I'm far too lazy to list them all.

As Luz clenched his hands into fists, he lamented, enraged about how weak he truly was.

'If only I was stronger, I could have prevented all this chaos,' sobbed Luz as his anger slowly transformed to sadness.

Lewis, who could no longer bear his sobbings, climbed up onto Luz's bed whispering to the desperate men: "Yo. If you need someone to hug or talk, I'm willing to listen, even if you don't know me yet."

Luz continued with his sobbing but quickly grabbed the other lad before his sobbing continued.

"So, what is it?" sighed Lewis as he didn't expect to end up as Luz tissue.

"I'm just an incompetent fool filled with regret who's too weak for anything and is now crying on the shoulder of someone younger than himself," stammered Luz in frustration.

Lewis merely smiled as he felt how Luz's fingers bore onto his skin. Luz's action reminded him of his first day, far from home.

"It's normal. Every one of us cried on the first day. The most important thing is what you do after you cry. You worry about your siblings, right?" the boy asked him while giving Luz a hug.

"Yes. I'm worried about what will happen to my brothers since I can't take care of them," Luz sighed while hugging the latter tightly.

"That's understandable. If you want, I'll help you find your siblings in your spare time, and don't worry, none of the others will know you've shown any signs of weakness," Lewis whispered back.

The next day the two got woken up by the other children in the room, who called them lovers for sharing a bed.

"Y'all better shut up and let me continue sleeping," groaned Luz, who wasn't content with the four hours of sleep he got.

But it didn't take long till someone knocked on the door, and that was no other than Alfred.

Author note: Well, that was my first try at a monologue and damn I'm not that great at it. Also, yeah the hugging scene is let's put it mildly in the wrong age range if I think about it like that would normally happen between younger teenagers who are 12 and not at 17/18/19. But well let's ignore it, I just liked the scene and didn't want to leave it out;-;. 

I gotta focus more on the emotional side since the emotions didn't really come over as genuine ones, sigh. Also, rn I got exams till the 25th and I won't be uploading anything till I've written my quantum chemistry exam and my thermodynamic exam. 

Seriko Lee