Embrace - How Long Did I Long For It?

“Ugh, so hot!” I acted hot and changed my position in my bed, so my sister won’t see that I’m crying.

Why am I even crying!? Is it because I was caught in the act earlier?

Well, earlier, my dad was cooking dinner and I secretly tasted one of the dishes. But! Once I was about to taste it for the second time, he said that I was not washing the spoon I used for tasting, which means that he saw me when I first tasted!

What’s more, he sounded angry. How embarrassing!

Even for me, that was a light reason to be crying for. So why am I crying? My hormones?

Plus, the manhwa I was reading was on the emotional arc so that also adds on the reason I was crying. I relate! Or do I?

Waaah, the uke got hugged by the seme. It must feel good to be hugged. Well, for me, I don’t really remember when was the last time I was hugged.

I want someone to embrace me warmly. But instead, I was embracing my pillow while crying, acting like it was a real person.

Ahhh, I think I should just continue reading this tomorrow. I really feel like crying.

With that, I turned off my phone, took off my glasses, and turned off my table lamp, before facing the wall while embracing my pillow.

Ahhhh, what now?

Everyone thinks I excel in academics–who wouldn’t? I have the highest honors.

But… I don’t even remember our lessons in the past quarters.

I wanted to do sewing, but my mother seemed to be against it even if she wouldn't show it.

I… I don’t even make an effort to do things I’m interested in, my hobby.

Yet I always complain that I have no skills.

Well, that might be true.

My brother’s good at answering professional questions.

My sister’s good at making friends and talking to people.

And here I am… afraid to speak in public without a script.

Friends…

I have a Japanese friend online-oh.

Am I even their friend?

I’m just…

A normal, boring being.

No skills, mediocre, and discouraged.

So… why am I even wishing for someone to embrace me?

Lots of thoughts filled my mind as I cried and sobbed quietly.

I let my tears all out before choosing to sleep since I still have a class tomorrow morning.

Dream…

[“Hey! Are you done yet!?” I asked the person inside the bathroom. He takes so long to come out, my poop is about to come out!

“Just a second.” the other person answered and a minute after that, the bathroom door opened and he came out.

I just looked at his face for one second before rushing inside.

Woo!

What… What is that gap? I just realized it since I was busy pushing out my poops, but, there is a big gap right in front of me, so the people outside would see me pooping! I also observed that the bathroom is not that neat and clean.

Ugh! OH, that’s my brother’s friend. It’s really embarrassing to ask him since we’re not even close, but what’s important is my dignity!

“Hey, can you please move that shoji for me and close the gap?” I asked, but he had this mocking smile. He turned to look at me so I immediately warned him to not look, but I thought that since I was covering my private part, it’s okay.

“Come on!” I urged him to move.

He just laughed before walking towards my direction and did what I said. That's when I realized that he had a little girl with him, that ran inside the bathroom, and my brother’s friend left her.

She was cute.

She was playing with the rubber duck in the water inside the drum so I approached her once I fixed myself.

“Hello.” I greeted her.

“Hiii…” she had a sweet voice when she greeted me back.

I don’t know but I had the urge to hug her so I did. She also snuggled her head in my embrace while still playing with the rubber duck.

We stayed like that for a while, I could smell the sweet scent of her hair. A familiar sweet, fragrance, scent that I really like.

I noticed that she had to raise her arm to play with the rubber duck so I offered.

“Want me to help you out?” I asked, stuttering because English was not my first language and I just blurted it out. But I wanted to snuggle her more so this is a win-win.

“Yeah! Thank you!” she said in a bright tone, so I carried her and slightly leaned on the drum so she would reach the duck and play with it more.

I was back-hugging her and my nose was right above her hair, so I was able to smell her scent.

It was really comfortable and warm. She was only about 4 feet but her size is just like my pillow, so it was really comfortable.

I know that she noticed I was snuggling in her hair, but she didn’t complain.

I kept walking around the drum slowly so she could move the duck. We did it for like 10 minutes or so before she said a word.

“Thank you.” she said while facing me when I put her down. Her eyes really had a grateful expression, so I smiled, making sure that I expressed the emotion I wanted to express.

I am thankful too.

Even though I embraced her, I feel like I was embraced. A warm embrace.

How I longed for it.]

The sound of the alarm woke me up, so I opened my eyes and for goodness’ sake, this is the first time in a long while that I felt content and well-rested when I woke up.

I looked at my phone and it was still 7 o’clock in the morning. I usually wake up at this time to prepare for my 9 AM class but I chose to sleep more, since my eyes feel puffy and sleepy. Just another 10 minutes–I have an alarm for that just in case I choose to sleep more in times like this.

My chest feels slightly heavy like there’s an object on top of it so my eyes intuitively looked at it, and it was my pillow that I always hugged. I snuggled to it for a while before eventually falling asleep again.

The alarm went off again, but I snuggled into my pillow a little more, before standing up against my will.

To my slight disappointment, I did not dream about it again.. But once I opened my eyes again, I just felt content and relaxed.

That was when I realized that the girl might be the pillow I was hugging when I fell asleep, and just continued holding onto it while sleeping.

Either way, I’m happy that I got to cuddle someone after a very long time.

Note: Shoji - a door, window or room divider used in traditional Japanese architecture, consisting of translucent (or transparent) sheets on a lattice frame.