[Satori Effect] Day 13: How to Date an Exorcist

(Of course, I accepted Shinju's request to go on a date in the heat of the moment, without thinking too deeply about what Yoko would think. As you all know, Yoko isn't very receptive of women she doesn't approve of. Since I've known her, there have been many random, everyday run-ins with girls that we, as citizens, usually experience.)

(Things like bumping into a woman at the grocery store, opening a door for a woman to be polite, and giving a woman who isn't familiar with the area directions, all ended in mysterious and unfortunate tragedies for them that Yoko still insists were complete and utter coincidences that have nothing to do with her. The woman I bumped into at the store and apologized to was hospitalized after a mysterious car accident.)

(Then, the lady I once opened a public door for nearly died in a plane crash. And the girl I gave directions too was found buried alive in the middle of the boonies, in a casket. Thankfully, she didn't have to stay in that casket. I also distinctly remember Yoko coming home late that night, wearing all black and covered in dirt...Oh well. I just hope nothing happens today.)

Osamu sauntered down the stairs in bright, blue jeans and a form-fitted, white shirt, the scent of pancakes growing stronger with each step. He grabbed his phone, wallet, and silver peace sign necklace from the end table beside the staircase. Kagutsuchi and Izanami were eating their late breakfast at the sun-soaked kitchen island, both of them in matching polka-dot pajamas.

"Ah! Feels good to be back in our first home!" Izanami sang. "Oh, hey Osamu!"

"Morning, love." Osamu said.

Osamu gave Izanami a kiss and patted Kagutsuchi's head. When Osamu pulled his hand away, she pulled his hand right back so she can keep getting patted.

"Geez, you're like a cat."

"It feels good when you do that!" Kagutsuchi squeaked.

"Going out with Shinju?" Izanami asked.

"Yeah, I'm off. Please make sure Yoko doesn't follow us around and meticulously calculate all the ways she could kill Shinju." Osamu said.

"Of course, I'll keep my eyes on her. Have fun! Don't stay out late!" Izanami said.

Osamu nodded. "I won't."

Just as he was headed for the door, Yoko jumped off from the top of the stairs and tackled Osamu to the ground with a hard bodyslam. It all happened so fast. She came out of nowhere like a phantom. She was dressed in a red and black night gown. It is not known if she was wearing underwear or not. That much is up to you.

"Ah! Osa!" Kagutsuchi gasped.

Yoko chuckled softly. "Where do you think you're going...huh? We're supposed to be partners...eternal partners...until death do us part..."

"Yoko! God damn it! It's just a normal day out! She saved my life, so I owe her!" Osamu groaned.

"What does she want? Love? Food? Money?! Sex?!" Yoko growled.

"Of course not, Shinju is nothing like that!" Osamu protested.

(After all this time, she's still as yandere as ever!)

Yoko stared daggers at Osamu in worrisome silence. Sensing no deceit in his face, Yoko got off of him and released a relieved sigh.

"Fine." Yoko said. "However, if you come home smelling like her, I will snap. I will waste absolutely no time in flaying her alive. She will make good practice for my One Thousand Cuts technique."

"Don't do that! Don't do any of that!" Osamu said.

"If you come home with her taste on your lips, I'll sew her lips shut!" Yoko continued.

"That's what I'd expect from a psychopath!" Kagutsuchi chimed.

(Bingo.)

"Oh, and Osamu, if you dare get her pregnant, you'd better advise her to never enter a building with a flight of stairs. Who knows who could be behind her at any moment." Yoko warned. "It would be such a tragedy if she had a little fall, wouldn't it? Just imagining it brings tears to my woeful eyes."

"I get it, I get it!" Osamu said. "I promise, no funny business."

"Yeah, yeah. Just bring me back something to eat, you little shit." Yoko chided.

Osamu chuckled as he marched towards the front door and put his shoes on. "As you wish, your highness!"

With that, Osamu stepped outside and locked the door behind him.

(Sheesh. What a day, right? And it's only just begun. I was going to have Shinju meet me, but maybe I should just head on over to her place. To my understanding, she doesn't live too far.)

Osamu realized how cold the house was once he stepped outside and was immediately wrapped in the warmth of the sunny, summer day. There wasn't even a single cloud in the sky. The pavement of the sidewalk and road were so hot you could cook an egg on them.

For the most part, the neighborhood was still quite empty. It turns out that most people don't want to move to a place where a massacre was committed. When he thought about, he figured that must've been the exact reason why Lucrezia and Shinju chose to live there. Most normal people had vacated, and the cost of living in that particular neighborhood plummeted as a result.

Walking down the sun-kissed alley of old, suburban homes and empty roads, Osamu came across the abandoned bowling alley. He had almost forgotten about the place ever since he left.

(Still carrying on, huh? Good to see.)

Osamu got to Shinju's house, a large, orange, multi-story home at the edge of the neighborhood. The front gate had a call pad, so Osamu ringed in to check on Shinju.

"Oh, is that you, Osami?" Shinju asked.

"Yeah, it's...wait...did you just call me Osami? Shinju, even though I love your ability to horse around and crack jokes, please don't make my name something that sounds feminine!" Osamu complained.

"Hah! Not very bright, are you? Osami is a given name that doesn't indicate specific gender. It's completely unisex."

"There's no way in hell you're ever giving me such a flowery name!"

Shinju laughed through the call pad. "I jest, I jest! Come on up, I'm laying naked in my big, lonely bed waiting for you!"

"I swear..." Osamu sighed.

"I'm just joking, I'm almost ready. Come on in."

The gate buzzed, allowing Osamu entry onto the property and into the house.

The house was as magnificent on the inside as it was on the outside. Most of the walls were orange like Shinju's hair, and the house was fitted with recessed lighting that illuminated each room in neon blue. Psychedelic and abstract artwork adorned the orange walls, depicting what could only be described as nebulae-like explosions of color on a canvas. Osamu felt as though he slipped through a hole in time and ended up at the house of some London swinger in the 60's. He kind of liked it.

Even the staircase itself was changing colors, going from blue to orange, then purple to green. Shinju's black cat, Mimi, greeted Osamu as he walked in and kicked his shoes off.

"Oh, hey there, little buddy! You belong to Shinju, huh?"

Osamu rubbed Mimi's head and received a warm, purring reaction. "Don't mind Me-ow, I'll just go see if Shinju is ready. Haha. Get it? Corny, but always effective."

The staircase lights turned blood red as Shinju descended the steps. Her hair was soaked and her naked body was covered with a white towel. Judging by the scent of conditioner in her hair, it was obvious she was putting a lot more effort into her appearance than Osamu did.

"You're here! I'm so glad!" Shinju said.

"I thought you said you were almost ready." Osamu said.

"Well, yeah, I am. It doesn't take me long to get dressed. For me, this is 'almost'. Why don't you come upstairs with me?"

Following her up to her bedroom, Osamu began to wonder how Shinju could live in that house without ruining her eyesight. She kept the blinds closed so that no sunlight could get in. There was only the sapphire-blue recessed lighting in the ceiling. Osamu waited on the bed as Shinju finished getting ready in the bathroom. She simply slipped on some blue underwear, an orange bra, and a poncho with a blue heart on it. Finally, she blow-dried her hair by the bathroom door so she could talk to Osamu.

"You have a really nice place, Shinju. How much money did this cost?"

"A lot. I make money from doing my usual heathen-busting jobs."

"They pay you for that?"

"Of course!"

Shinju sexily flipped her hair and smiled. "Since I'm not a god, they regularly compensate me for my services. I only have a little bit of divine power, and that's mainly my ability to negate curses and cursed individuals. My actual physical strength is all from me."

"Really? Do you work out or something?"

"Oh yeah. I have a gym here, actually. We should totally work out sometime!"

(Now that I think about it, I'm sure Rei would probably love to work out with her.)

"My friend Rei also works out despite being an anti-social, lazy girl. But I think she just has a lot of abdominal endurance."

"Oh, is that so? Bring her over sometime!" Shinju said. "I'd love to have a workout partner who can guide my tummy and use his hands to correct my body!"

"Not falling for it this time. Way too blatant." Osamu said, crossing his arms.

"Damn, you win!" Shinju pouted. "Well, I'm ready, so let's go out!"

Osamu stood up. "All right!"

The two left the house, shutting the gate and taking a walk through the empty streets with the sun still high in the sky and the cool air blowing through their cool hair.

"So? Where is the gentleman of the day taking me?" Shinju teased.

"Well, first, I'd figure we could go see a movie. There's a pretty cool horror flick that came out recently." Osamu said.

"Oh really? How did you know I like horror films?" Shinju asked.

"I kinda took a gamble on it, actually."

"Osamu Ashikaga, the man with blind luck on his side."

(Yeah, that's pretty accurate.)

"So, have you lived here for long? It's amazing I never noticed a house like that out here." Osamu said.

"Eh, for about the past two years. I was delighted to know we live so close to each other though. We can hang out like this often!"

Osamu nodded. "Yeah, definitely."

Osamu and Shinju sauntered through the town, passing by the busy streets, honking cars, and endless promotional signs calling out to them from shop windows. They arrived at the local movie theater, skipped the snacks, and went right to their designated theater. They chose seats at the top row. Not very many other people turned out to see the movie.

"How odd, I thought it would be busy. Maybe luck is smiling down on me for once." Osamu said.

"Maybe so. Hey, if I get scared, can we start making out?" Shinju asked.

"I don't think that's how that goes, Shinju.

The lights dimmed, and Osamu respectfully turned his phone on vibrate. In an empty theater.

Oh, the joys of horror movies. Senseless violence, murder, thrills, and apparitions. The movie had it all, but Shinju didn't seem to be scared. In fact, she quite liked it. It was like a cheesy movie adaptation of her own job as an exorcist. Osamu figured she'd have a ball watching it, since she has to go through actual horrors and deal with actual monsters because of her work.

"Whoa, these special effects are good! Not too many weird cuts either!" Shinju said.

"We're not allowed to be loud in a theater and I must scream." Osamu responded.

Osamu closed his eyes, listening to the helpless cry of one of the movie characters. "Oh god! The tomatoes are eating my face! Help me!"

"Poor dude...rest in peace, man." Osamu said.

"Called it!" Shinju declared. "I knew the tomatoes would spring an uprising!"

"So much tomato sauce everywhere..." Osamu shivered.

More ridiculous lines fell out of the character's mouth. "Oh god! Not the basil! Nooooo!"

(Damn it! I'm the one who ended up getting scared!)

"Osa? You okay?" Shinju asked.

"Y-yeah...though, I'll probably lay off the tomatoes for a while..."

Shinju smiled. "Me too, honestly..."

The movie was over. Real tomatoes were harmed in the making of it, but it seemed Shinju had fun. For Osamu, it was a mission accomplished. The two left the theater, relieved to finally be back in the sunlight.

Shinju stretched her arms and released a satisfied moan. "Oh man! That was good! Did you see that guy's face when he found his wife's body in the tub full of tomatoes? Oh, and I loved when the salsa bowl started moving on its own!"

Osamu saw a man walking by him with a tomato in his hand. He freaked out and recoiled like a paranoid madman. "You keep that damn thing away from me!"

"What? Sorry, man..." the stranger said, puzzled.

"Osa...I think you need psychiatric assistance..." Shinju said.

(When I stopped shivering and overcame by brief fear of tomatoes, we continued on to have lunch together at one of the restaurants downtown.)

An open-air table draped with white cloth, and the beautiful cherry blossoms blowing by. It really was a beautiful day, and they were going to cap it off with an expensive lunch. Shinju rubbed her bare feet against Osamu's thigh under the table. She would clearly stop at nothing for his attention.

"Osa, should I order some of the Western items on here? Or should I go with the spicy ramen...."

"Y-you like ramen too?"

Shinju nodded. "It's my absolute favorite. A restaurant like this probably has some good ramen under their belt, right? I think I'll go with that. Do you wanna share the bowl?"

"And risk an indirect kiss? God, no."

"Awww...but, Osa...A nice, hot bowl of ramen tastes better when you share it with another soul. Won't you share it me, just this once?"

(Amazing. The face is cute and innocent, and yet, under the table, where nobody can see...)

Osamu shoved Shinju's foot off of him and recollected himself. "Fine, it's your day, after all. Let's get some ramen.

"Yes! Thanks, man!" Shinju cheered.

After placing their order, the two were presented with a huge, steaming bowl of ramen. The aroma of thick noodles, bean sprouts, slowly cooked pork broth, and pork chashu lifted their spirits up to heaven.

"Eeee! This looks so good! Thank you so much, Osamu!"

Shinju clasped her hands. "Thank you for this food."

"Thank you for this food. Let's dig in!" Osamu said.

"Oh, Osamu. I just remembered. About Mizuhame's gourd..."

"Yeah? How's that going?"

"Remind me to give it to you when we get back to my place. Turns out, all I had to do was fill it with water and then soak my finger in the water. That was enough to purify it. I think that if Kagutsuchi bathes in that water, we should be able to rid her of her curse."

"R-really? When can we start doing that?"

"Hmm..." Shinju hummed, covering her mouth as she swallowed her food. "Whenever she's ready, I suppose. I'm making it sound a little too easy and risk free, though. Like any ritual, there are risks. However, with this, they should be pretty low. To have lived so long with that awful kind of power is almost unimaginable."

(Yeah, you said it. But...I'm pretty sure Kagu is in good spirits...right?)

"What are you staring off into space for? Daydreaming about the wonderful crevices of my body?" Shinju asked.

Osamu jabbed Shinju's hands with his chopsticks. "Eat your food! You have to eat all the ramen now!"

Thirty minutes later, the two were completely full, and the bowl was empty. Osamu and Shinju laid back in their chairs, looking halfway dead already. It took everything they had to overpack their stomachs like that, but they did it. Their prize? The self-satisfaction of needlessly gorging themselves.

"Oh man...I feel like my stomach is going to burst..." Osamu said.

"I'm gonna have to burn all of this off on the treadmill, but it was worth the taste. Thanks for this, Osamu. You're a real gentleman." Shinju said.

"Yeah, no problem. Shinju, do you have any friends? You seem to socialize so easily. It just made me wonder..."

Shinju shook her head as she grabbed two mints from her pocket, one for her and another for Osamu. “Well, Lucrezia’s my best friend, and I have another friend who’s also an exorcist. Besides them? No one. It's all good though. I'm not the kind of girl who worries about that kind of stuff. I've had it drilled into my head that my life was to serve a specific purpose ever since I was born. People with elite heritage can't worry about silly things like friends. Though, if I had to say I had one friend, it's definitely justice."

Osamu laughed. "I respect that. Your conviction is enough for you. I wish I could just live like that too."

(In a way, wasn't Satori like that, too? He lived and died purely to ensure that Kagu could get a fresh start in life. Satori, Kagu's cure is right around the corner. Just hang in there.)

"Oh wow, it's already 3 P.M.. Did you have anything else you wanted to do, Osa?"

"Yeah. I suppose we should go ahead and get down to business, right? Follow me. I know a good place where we can talk alone."

Shinju smiled. "Oh really? Well then? Take me away, Prince.”