Himari Iwasaki's desires is a daunting task.

Himari Iwasaki

Once I had finished my seemingly unceasing idolization of Kojima after he had invited me to the movie, I urged my body to become productive for the week. I was either at work taking care of the dogs, taking care of Mimi, watching TV, or finishing the homework that the teachers had assigned to us. Kojima notified me on Saturday that he wasn’t able to come over and watch the movies he had recommended to me due to work and other things that he had to take care of, which left me a little devastated.

To cope with the loneliness, I ended up watching some comedy shows to keep me busy.

Now, it was Monday. And a Monday meant I had to be at school.

So, here I was, walking down the halls during lunch. I had math before this, and math was cruel today. The teacher kept prattling about the beauties of math and algebra, all while I had been praying that her lesson would make some sort of logical sense when I study it at home later today.

I hate math. It’s not like I’m gonna use it for a job, anyway. What? Is my employer going to ask how many degrees a triangle is?

I blinked and took a second to think.

… Well, it’s one hundred and eighty degrees. Ah, who cares. I probably won’t remember that when I grow up.

I would ask Kojima what he thought about this, but he currently wasn’t at my side. Usually, during lunch, we’d both go together to the vending machine and order something, but today, he was oddly persistent about studying the lesson from earlier. I didn’t argue with him, yet it was a little mind-boggling because he never was the one to do anything school-related during lunch. Even if I was the studious and erudite type, I never really utilized the lunch hour as a time to properly put my brain to work. I always just labeled it as a rest period, therefore, I’d have enough energy to continue the rest of the day.

Everyone’s different, though, so I can’t exactly be mad if Kojima happened to be the impatient, raring type.

With this in mind, I decided to buy him a drink, too, as a reward for his newfound productivity.

I soon finally reached the vending machine outside and took a peek at what was in store. There were really only juice boxes and some sparkling water— probably a way of our school promoting a healthy lifestyle. I wasn’t complaining, of course, because they were pretty sapid.

I yanked out some yen from my wallet and satisfied the vending machine by feeding it my money. I took my time to order a drink, which turned out to be some cherry and watermelon flavored juice box after some careful examination inside. The machine responded by reaching over to the drink, wrapping its claws around it, and placing it over to the slot where I took it out and eyed it.

I ripped out the straw that was in front of the box, bit off the wrapper that covered it, and pushed it inside the hole. I took a sip and instantly became comforted.

It’s sweet.

Since I loved sweet things, it didn’t take a second thought to put this in my top twenty list of best drinks ever made. I took in another refreshing gulp, until pulling it away from my mouth and nodding with regard.

Next, I went on to order some grape-flavored sparkling water for Kojima, because I knew he had a liking for grapes. But, just as I began to walk away, something in my eyes diverted my attention away from returning back to class.

Sitting down, with her medium-length hair flying in the unyielding wind, was none other than Youko Miyake. Frankly, it was kind of annoying knowing that she had the ability to be stunningly lovely when it came to any situation, even if she looked… Remotely distressed?

However, it was a little perplexing seeing her all by herself. Whenever I saw her, she was always occupied with either Okumori or other people, so I already knew something was up when I noticed that there was nobody near her at all, especially when she was just gawking at the air.

There was nobody to accompany her except the chirping of the overjoyed birds and her own thoughts.

Seeing this, I came forward.

“Miyake-san? Is that you?”

She turned and saw me, now with an aghast look on her face.

“Oh, Iwasaki-san? Hi!” She smiled and greeted me.

I took my spot beside her now and put down the sparkling water beside my lap. I put the straw of my juice back into my mouth, drank, and pulled it out, until looking over at her.

“Soo? What’s up?” I showcased a grin.

Miyake seemed to stop breathing for a second before she’d relieve a small exhale. She’d then look back to the yellowish-blue sky.

“Wel, nothing much, I suppose?” She shrugged.

“You sure?”

“Ehm… Yeah.”

I saw right through her lie and mustered up a groan. I put my leg over my other, and hunched my back while I took another gulp of my drink. “You’re always talking to somebody, so why are you here now? Not to mention, I can’t even spot out that giddy smile you always shine.”

“I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I, Iwasaki-san?”

I peered over at her and saw her smile.

That’s not the right smile.

“Ah… Well, I mean, you technically are. But, like, you were just sitting here all lonely and stuff before I came over. You weren’t talking to anybody else before, were you?”

She didn’t answer me.

“Right. Okay.” I took the time to rope the grape drink I had beside me and reveal it to her. “Here, drink up. Hopefully, it’ll help you.”

Miyake saw this and put her hands in the air, “Wait, no, it's fine—”

“Just drink it. ‘Kay? I bought it, so I’m not gonna waste it.”

She bit her lip nervously, then pulled her arm out. It twitched, and her hand began to curl repeatedly, seeming like she had been faltering on the idea of taking it. Finally, she’d seem to overcome her restlessness by taking it from my hands gently.

“Okay…”

She’s like a kid. It’s like I’m looking at the chibi version of Miyake right now.

I shook away my thoughts and started to talk. “Do you like grapes? If not, I can go ahead and buy you another one.”

“No, no! It’s fine, Iwasaki-san! I’m grateful, really!” She nodded rapidly. “It’s just… I’m not in much of a mood to drink right now.”

“You feelin’ guilty after rejecting a smoking hot dude or somethin’? Chill out, cus the hot ones are the worst ones.” I then paused, “... Probably. I dunno…”

“No, of course not.” She giggled, “I’m not even aiming for a romantic relationship, no matter how appealing they may look.”

“Look at you, being all mature and all,” I commented with a pinch of jealousy.

“I’m not being mature, you dummy.” I could sense her frown just from her voice, “I’m just not ready for it.”

“Okay… If that’s not the case, then what really happened?”

“Well… It’s… It’s complicated.”

“I know that. Everything's complicated, dumbass.” I nudged her arm, annoyed. “It’s not like I’m gonna be sitting here with a clueless face while you rant to me. What do you think I am? An idiot? I’m gonna do my best to understand it so it doesn’t become complicated.”

“I’m just sad, okay, Iwasaki-san? It’s nothing terrible.” She now oppressively interrupted.

I couldn’t muster enough courage to talk again, so instead, I just locked the straw from my juice box between my lips and squeezed it without a word.

I pulled the drink away and moaned. “Look, whatever’s going on, I’m sorry. But I can’t just ignore you being like this. I mean, seriously, I’ve never even seen you alone out here before. You’re always hanging out with Okumori-kun or your other friends. So, why today?”

“Since when was it your job to worry about stuff like that? Can’t I just be alone for once?”

I was dazed hearing this. Not only was it the first time I had seen her sad, but my luck had been so appalling today that I had the unfortunate chance of seeing the unsightly crudeness that I didn’t know she had all in a single day.

I scoffed and uncrossed my legs. “I’m leaving.”

I brought myself up and began to walk, but a hand that snatched my arm stopped me briefly. I turned and noticed that Miyake had been clenching my arm. She didn’t look at me at all and only had her gaze on the floor.

“Wait.” She muttered.

“Hah?” I looked at her up and down, like she was an enemy.

“I didn’t mean it... I’m sorry… I just… I just don’t know what to do. I’m just being irrational right now. That’s all.”

I set my juice box down on the seat and put my hands behind my skirt as I sat down so it wouldn’t fly up, then pointed my eyes at Miyake.

“... It’s fine,” I added, still a little perturbed.

“Mmph…” She nodded and let go of my arm. She’d put her hands in between her thighs and squeezed, completely blocking any sight of her fingers. Though, she continued to slowly fidget her arms, until tensing up her shoulders and heaving a sigh.

“It’s about Okumori-kun.”

I continued my ongoing quietness and just jerked my head down to signal her that I was listening.

“We just had a… Dispute, I guess you could say?”

Just a dispute, huh?

“I’ll just get to the point.” She then tiresomely said. “I won’t be meeting him again anytime soon. I’m planning to delete his contact information later on, too.”

After I had acknowledged what she said, I wasn’t sure whether I was feeling happy or unhappy. I was glad that she had finally recognized the vulgarity that Okumori protruded with pride, yet, I had been also afraid of what had happened to cause Miyake to want to invalidate Okumori from her life.

Concerned, I just shot out another nod. “Ah… I see.”

“He’s just… Bad. Really, really bad.”

“Mhm.”

“What did I do all of that for? Was it all just for him to treat me like trash and throw me aside? I don’t get him at all. He was so edgy, too. It doesn’t even make him look brave- it just makes him look like a little kid who thinks everything revolves around him. It makes me so mad.”

The more she talked, the more I agreed. I didn’t add to it though, because I wanted to keep my neutrality.

“Yeah. I guess.” I shrugged.

“... Is that it?” Miyake had finally pointed out my lethargic answers.

“What do you mean?” I chuckled and created a smile.

“As in, is that it? Are you not going to tell me that you knew this would happen? That I deserved it? Are you not going to be happy that I’m finally not talking to him anymore?”

I casually stared at her. “You knew?”

“Know what? That you knew him? Yeah, I knew. I knew it ever since what happened in the cafe. I heard it all.”

I just looked down at the ground now.

“Of course, you did.” I laughed wryly. “Everyone there heard it. The brat had to make sure he caught everybody's attention, too. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. Hell, sometimes I even want to slap myself for even bringing it up.”

My tongue went on to lick my molars as a way to cope with my discomfort. I wanted to smack Okumori- the piece of shit- but I knew that it’d be futile to do so. It wouldn’t change anything. In fact, I’d say that it’d make it worse.

“You want me to be honest, Miyake-san? I’ll be honest, sure. I’m overjoyed knowing that you’re not with that scumbag anymore. It makes me have a sense of ease running throughout my body the very moment we speak about it. The idea that you’re out of his reach already is a huge step in the right direction.”

I now sighed.

“But, of course, I still can’t help but worry. If it’s so bad that you’re planning to avoid any form of communication with him, whether that be evading him in person, texting, or maybe even just fucking looking in his general direction, then it’s no guess that something has clearly happened. So, I’m willing to hear you out. That’s why I’m here.”

Miyake simply kept quiet.

“With that said, I want to ask you something. What really happened between you two?”

“You really want to know?” She softly spoke.

“Yes. I do.”

“Then… Fine. All he said was that he never wants me to help him ever again. That’s all I’ll say.”

“Really?”

I observed her face, and it told me that she was hiding something just by the way she was evading my eyes.

“Well… He also called me delusional.”

After this, I began to witness her lips beginning to shatter.

“And- and… erm… He said I wasn’t useful at all."

Just as she turned to me, it struck me that she had no longer held that gorgeous appearance she held up. Her eyes had been flooded with tears that threatened to break loose any second, and her lips couldn’t choose between a smile and a frown.

“Oh, and, how could I forget? He absolutely hates my guts, too.”

Finally, the liquid that had been impatiently waiting in her eyes was let go— all racing down her cheeks all the way to the cement floor. I watched it drench her shirt as if it was raining.

“Am I that bad of a person?” She asked with a seemingly petrified tone.

She started to scrape at her eyes with her hands, trying her best to get rid of the tears that continuously flowed.

“I don’t get it. Why can’t I just have a normal friend? What did I do wrong?" She continued to mumble in between her sobs. “I just wanted to be friends with him… That’s all I wanted to do.”

She choked on her breath and took in a few hard gasps until sniffling back in her snot and continuing. I plainly watched her continue to try to stop the liquid from falling out of her eyes, but it was to no avail because eventually, her hands would become glossy from how many tears she had been wiping. It appeared as if there was no end to it.

"Why do I even bother anymore...?"

I took a moment to think until I reached out my arms while she continued her rant.

“I feel like I’m just something to look at until people pry their eyes away and aim their attention on something else. I want to be cared for. I want to trust somebody. I want to reciprocate a real feeling of fondness. I want all of it, damn it.”

She quieted down finally but didn’t stop her sniveling.

“I’m just a toy for people to mess with…”

“Oh, shut up and just come here, you cutie.” I pushed myself to her and embraced her.

I closed my eyes and rubbed her back, all while she soaked her eyes into my shoulder and snuggled my body in a search for comfort. But, this cry of hers was contagious, too, because before I realized it, there were tears falling down my cheeks, too.

I hugged her harder now.

“I know…” I whispered to her. “It’s okay… I’m right here… I understand… Let it all out…”

Just let it all out, Miyake. All of it.

I don’t want to see you in pain anymore. I want to see you happy and smiling.

I want everybody to be happy and smiling.