My... Youko Miyake. Isn't that a little too much to ask for?

Youko Miyake

Here I sat, on a tatami floor, squeezing my legs with my arms. My naked shins were linked with my coated forearms that I covered with my sweatshirt but were indistinguishable by color because of the absent yellow that generally illuminated the room. Instead, it was just dark, and I could barely even see my bed just from how much of a black void it seemed.

I was too much of a faineant to get up and turn the lights on, so I just embraced the darkness. Unlike the younger me, who was spooked by the grim and somber night, I actually held some sort of affection for it now.

I imagined that the dark understood me, and had an addicting way of enveloping me in this sensation of ease so I could freely whine and deplore without it ever raising a finger at me. It felt as if it was something that actually cherished you and was willing to drop whatever it was doing to fulfill you.

The dark is always there for you. That’s how I like to think of it.

And right now, it’s taking care of me.

Just before everything had happened- sorry, I mean, before we had gone to the mall, I had woken up beside Okumori. Whether that was a mistake or not, I’m not entirely sure. I feel a hole in my heart the longer I ponder about it, and I can’t understand whether it’s the regret or just the reminiscence of it that pierces me. Every day, I hold an uncertain belief about it.

Was it worth it?

To be honest, in the end, no.

Should have I done it?

Probably not.

Did I feel bad?

… A little bit.

Because what happened that night, had me debating if I really was capable of making someone like him a “friend.”

Am I doing this just for the conceit? Or am I doing it for the satisfaction of others? Both of them have downsides to them, of course, and I think that none of them really are the “best option.”

I just don’t know which one I’m actually doing.

Am I in the right, or the wrong here? Either ethically, or logically, I want an answer. Is it right for me to be doing what I did to him? Or was I wrong to even bother with him in the first place?

… Well, none of those would appease me, anyway. The damage has already been done, and the best thing to do is to let go of it. The way I see it, the more I explore what I did, the more I further my self-hatred.

I just want to be somebody everybody appreciates. Why do I have to consistently modify my character for everybody? Why can’t I just be one person?

Is it because someone will see me as weird?

Or is it because I’m scared of showing my true side?

… What even is my true side?

Is it the one where I laugh and smile? Maybe it’s the one where I’m annoyed? Or, perhaps, even when I become quiet, just like now?

What is the real me?

Is there even such a thing as a real me?

Because, frankly, all of it seems pretty real to me.

Why are relationships so complicated? Why do I have to go through this grueling process of trial and error, constantly failing myself, trying to find the perfect someone that I can trust? There’s no such thing, is there?

I put my head into my hands and rubbed it furiously.

It’s not worth it. None of it’s worth it at all. They’re all going to be gone, anyway. That’s just how life works. You create friends in your life, just to remove them a few years later. If that’s the case, then what’s even the point of making them in the first place?

Why try so hard, if you’re just going to fail in the end?

Pouring your all into a relationship, just for it to be thrown aside by somebody who can’t bother to put in the same effort as you, just makes you feel like a foolish, and naive person.

And that’s exactly how I feel right now.

In fact, I feel many things right now. I feel deluded. Frightened. Pessimistic. All of it. They all embrace my head with a persistent grip- like a snake suffocating its prey.

But, well, maybe it is better to let it suffocate me. Let the snake finish off its rat.

Maybe—just maybe, it’s better for me to be gone from this world. That way, I won’t have to confront my dilemmas any longer. I want to leave it all and just be free.

I just want to feel happy.

I want to encompass my weak arms around someone, knowing full well that they're there to return that hug back and support me. I want somebody who loves me with care, hangs out with me when they’re bored, and goes to the mall with me just because they can, all with a contagious, and urbane grin.

I want somebody just like me. Somebody who understands.

Somebody who doesn’t get mad when I change.

Somebody who’s willing to sacrifice things.

I desire all of it.

But, I know that nobody out there is perfect. I know that nobody out there is precisely the person I strive for. That’s why I’m willing to compromise. I’m ready to turn their shortcomings into something I enjoy.

It’s just that, ever since what happened with Okumori, I’m not sure if I can be so open to appreciating someone’s each and every single fault.

Yet, I wonder. If that even happens, will it be enough? Is it enough to cure my dissatisfaction with my self-worth? Will I be able to finally break free of the rope I’m tied to?

If it comes to a point where I’m still stuck, then doesn’t that just mean that I can never be content?

Ah, I’m asking too many questions… Forget it.