[Phantom Pain of Rousoku Himawari] The Corpse and the Ghost

Tsukiakari awoke in bed that morning, her unbound, raven hair scattered in all directions like dark tendrils. She was surprised to find Yoko in bed next to her, cocooned in the covers and sheets. Yoko was barely able to open her eyes as a thin sliver of gilded sunlight slashed through the opening in the pink curtains hung above the bedroom window. Tsukiakari caressed Yoko's cheek, smiling as she wrapped herself tighter in her covers.

"When did you get home, Yoko?" Tsukiakari asked. "You weren't here when we went to sleep last night."

"I came home around midnight. Mom and I hung out at her hotel for most of the day after we got yakitori." Yoko groaned.

"Whoa, really? So...it went well?"

Yoko nodded, her smile partially concealed by the duvet. "Yeah. It went well. I think we're going to be okay now. We have plans to hang out some more later."

Tsukiakari neighed in glee as she threw her arms around Yoko and held her tight. "I'm so happy to hear that! Good for you two!"

"Thanks, Gekko. Izanami and Osamu still aren't back?"

"Nah, they're still at the book store with Taeko and the others." Tsukiakari said, hearing the sound of clanging pots and plates echoing from downstairs. "And it sounds like Amatsuki's in the kitchen making breakfast."

Worried, Yoko's brows sunk as she closed her eyes. "God. I hope everything is okay over there."
(How does one find peace when they are already dead? It's a question I've asked myself over and over ever since we learned about Rousoku's fate. When I asked Shinju such a heavy question, she smiled and gave me a wise answer, as she usually does.)

Shinju stretched out her arms and yawned as she sat on the windowsill towards the front of the books store, the indirect light of the teal, morning sky glowing against her face. "One simply has to have had the time to mature and accept their life in the time they were alive, of course. There is no peace in death if there wasn't any peace in life."

(So then...is there any hope for Rousoku? If there is, would it be wise to assume that I'm the one that can give it to her? Does she have the strength to stand on her own? Was it my sins that created the ghost of her? I don't know, I just don't know...but I should know. I ought to know. A man should always know what he ought to do. It's just...dealing with the sins of a past love can remind you how much less of a man you were for a woman.)

Osamu and Rousoku, the living and the dead, sat across from each other at a table in the library. A day had passed since they learned of Rousoku's fate, and yet they were still no closer to reconciling their past. They both understood the gravity of the situation they were in, but it didn't make it any easier for them to speak to each other honestly, without walls or emotional barriers. They couldn't be honest with themselves, and so they couldn't be honest with each other.

"Say something." Rousoku hissed.

"I don't know what to say." Osamu murmured.

"Do you have any regrets? Was going back to Kyoto better for you than being with me?"

"Why do you have to frame the question that way?"

"What's wrong with how I'm framing it?"

(Her timidness and reserved speech have gone away...)

"It's loaded and you know it. Coming back to town was one of the best decisions I've ever made, Rousoku. However, I think leaving you the way I did was one of my greatest mistakes. In that regard, I failed you. In that regard, I killed you. It may be partially my fault that this happened to you, Rousoku, but I'm not going to spend my life being down about it."

"What? You...are you saying it's not on your conscience?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

Rousoku's eyes glinted with anger. "You can't just absolve yourself of guilt like that!"

"Why do you want me to be guilty in the first place, Rousoku? Why would you want to put that evil on me?"

"Because you deserve it!"

Rousoku recoiled and covered her mouth. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean that..."

"Rousoku...I don't know how I'm going to tell you this, so I suppose I should just say the truth. I'm...happy where I am. I'm happy with the women I'm with. I'm happy to have a family. What you did was tragic, and it hurt me to hear about it. It hurts, because I'll always have a soft place in my heart with your name on it.

“But bearing the guilt of your decision is unfair, because in the end, that's exactly what it was. It was your decision. If you hated your life, why didn't you try everything to fix it? Why didn't you leave that town like I left mine, go on adventures, meet new people, and fill your heart with wonderful things?"

Osamu closed his eyes as his tears blurred his vision. "Before I met you, I was convinced my life would amount to nothing. It was because of you I even had the courage to come back. Even if I leave, so what? Why couldn't you still be you? Even if we had disappeared from each other, why couldn't we have been happy under the same sky? Maybe we would've found each other again. Maybe we could've gotten letters from each other. Maybe we could've told each other amazing stories. But now we can't. Now you're dead, and I'm alive. I've grown, and you're stuck here, bound by your own short-sighted decisions."

"You have no idea what it's like to lose someone you love that much..." Rousoku cried.

"Yes I do. I know exactly what it's like. I lived through it, Rousoku. I wanted you to do the same. Live through it and come out on the other side! There's an entire life outside of your relationship with me. Why didn't you want to go see it for yourself?"

Rousoku smiled and hung her head. "Scolded by the man I love. How pathetic of me. Do you...do you have any love for me at all?"

"I'm thankful to you and for you, Rousoku. I don't ever want to see you hurt or mourn. But, I don't love you the same way I did all those years ago. That's...just the truth of it."

Rousoku's tears rolled down her cheeks and dripped from her chin onto her hands. She wore a wounded smile on her tear-soaked face. "I see. I understand. I guess time drove a wedge between us. I guess we weren't destined to be together forever. Some people stay for a season, and others for a lifetime."

"I guess you were my summer, then. You were a beautiful summer, warm and delightful in every way. But...eventually...Fall, Winter, Spring, and a new Summer had to come around."

"Wow...I guess I have no choice...but to just accept your feelings then, Osamu."

Rousoku tried to smile, but it kept fading away into a frown. She slowly stood from her seat and walked away, saying nothing more to Osamu. They both knew being honest to each would be brutally difficult, but even Osamu wasn't prepared for this. Honesty shared the same bitter taste as malevolence. It was a window into the self-centered wants and needs of one's self. Osamu felt he was justified in focusing on his wants, while Rousoku interpreted the act as abandonment. He could no longer tell if his past self was really so coldhearted, or if Rousoku was just overly sensitive.

Either way, the conversation he had with her then was anything but pleasant for him.

(It hurt, but...it was necessary...)

"Uhm, Cyanide..." Izanami said, interrupting Cyanide as he read more about the ritual from a dusty, old book in the back office.

"Hmm? What is it?"

"You guys intend to perform the ritual to free Rousoku, right?"

"Well, of course. I wouldn't be reading from this thing if I wasn't serious about doing the ritual."

"You should hurry. I just got off the phone with the Shoku Twins. There's going to be an eclipse this week, so spirits of all kinds will try to come out into the world while it's cloaked in darkness. They usually aren't able to cause any serious mischief, but I fear that Rousoku will be the most vulnerable target, since she's just a wandering soul. She could even become a malicious spirit herself."

"An eclipse? Shit. That's not good. If those two don't figure their shit out by then, we'll have a serious problem on our hands." Taeko said. "If the ritual fails in any way, Rousoku could still become a vengeful spirit. We have to be very, very careful."

"Yeah, you're right. Damn, I really wanted Osamu to have more time. The two just had their first real talk today." Shinju said.

"When's the eclipse, Izanami?" Cyanide asked.

"It should be four days from now." Izanami answered.

"Four days? That's practically no time at all." Shinju gasped. "We'll have to make it work though. Those two should spend the next few days making up. If they can end on a good note, there won't be any problems.

Cyanide leaned back in his chair and kicked his feet up on top of the desk. "Yeah....this is going to be a tough one."

"Where's Rousoku right now?" Izanami asked.

"Sitting outside on the steps." Taeko said. "If you want to talk to her, be my guest. We've only got four days, so I'll take all the help I can get. Though, it really would be easier to banish her and just be done with it."

"Taeko!" Shinju gasped.

In the spirit of behind honest, Taeko refused to apologize for the remark. Instead, she kept going. "Oh, step off. Think about it. I thought we would have two weeks to sort this mess out, but because of the eclipse, we'll only have four days. At this rate, those two won't reconcile in time, and with that eclipse, Rousoku is putting us all in danger, as well as herself. Four days to fix seven years' worth of bullshit. It would take a miracle to fix all of this in such a short amount of time. If it were up to me, I'd just banish the girl and save us all the trouble."

Izanami casted an icy glare in Taeko's direction. "Well, it's not up to you, and if you do anything to hurt Rousoku—"

"I know, I know." Taeko sighed. "I'm still putting Osamu's feelings first. I'm just saying that it's standard exorcist protocol to dispatch a spirit before it can become a threat. It'll be our asses on the line if Osamu messes this up."

"I'm well aware of that." Izanami said. "I'm asking you to put your faith in Osamu and Rousoku. I trust that they can work things out."

Taeko's shoulders dropped as she exhaled. "...Fine. But regardless of what happens in the next four days, we're conducting that ritual."

"Thank you, Taeko. I'll go talk to Rousoku." Izanami said. "I've got a little plan that might help move things along."

About a half hour later, Izanami walked through the front door of the book store, finding Rousoku sitting alone at the top of the steps, her hair to one side by the breeze. Hearing the sound of the front door's bell, Rousoku turned her head, surprised to see the goddess approaching her.

"Izanami?" Rousoku asked.

"Hi!" Izanami sang. "I hope I'm not disturbing you. "

There was an uneasy air about Rousoku. Her cute and timid demeanor seemed to be vanishing the deeper her heartbreak. Still, the girl smiled, deceitfully so.

"No, it's fine! Please, come in!"

Izanami bowed her head and sat down. "So, Shinju has already told you that, as a wandering spirit, you can't really stay here. Originally, she had given Osamu two weeks to square things out with you, but something has come up."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, you see, there's going to be an eclipse four days from now. The supernatural world is influenced by events like eclipses or blood moons. Basically, it's not good news. If you're still around during the eclipse, it's very likely something terrible will happen to you. We don't want to risk that."

"It's that serious?" Rousoku asked.

"Yes, it is very serious. For your sake, I want you to make sure you're at peace with the situation between you and Osamu. Though, I know you two are having a hard time talking to each other. I don't blame you. There's a seven year void between you. That alone is a mess to navigate."

"Yeah..." Rousoku sighed.

"...Did Osamu ever tell you about why he left Kyoto?"

"Yeah. He talked a lot about it back then."

"I'm sure he didn't tell you that I was the one that saved him, though." Izanami snickered. "I can't imagine him going around telling people that the Shinto goddess of death personally saved his life."

Rousoku's eyes lit up. She remembered Osamu explaining that there was someone whom he owed his life to back in Kyoto, but as Izanami said, he never did explain who it was specifically, let alone that it was a goddess.

"That was you!"

Izanami nodded. "That's right! Osamu came to my shrine that night to commit suicide. He was in a lot of pain back then. His mother and father were getting divorced, and his best friend, Kenjo, passed away. He was picked on a lot for being timid and weak-willed. I guess some of his other classmates thought him to be the perfect target. Osamu went through a lot back then."

"How did you stop him from committing suicide?"

"Well, he was about to go through with it, but he saw me floating in my shrine's pond. Obviously, he mistook me for a corpse. I mean, I look like one, don't I?"

"Oh! Well, uhh..." Rousoku stammered, twiddling her index fingers.

Amused, Izanami laughed as she patted Rousoku on the back. "No need to hide it. I know what I look like. Since he thought I was a corpse, he didn't want me to have died alone. He wanted to be there for someone who he thought had committed suicide too. He didn't want them to be alone, and that's because he himself didn't want to die alone. So, he tried to drown himself in the river, but I woke up and stopped him. That's how we met. That's how all of this began."

"So...Osamu wanted to die alongside you. Even on his last day on earth, he wanted to be there for someone else."

"That's who Osamu was in what he thought would be his final moments." Izanami said. "Do you understand? Osamu's been trying his hardest ever since then to be the best version of himself. Of course, he's made mistakes and he's not perfect. None of us are. I'm sure that, even now, he wants to do his best for you. He's probably just not sure how to do that in this situation. All of this is so sudden for the both of you, and you have so little time to unpack so much."

Rousoku hugged her knees, burying her face in her dark blue jeans. "I know he's not a bad person. That's why it hurts so much. If he's capable of loving so fiercely and honestly, why was I left behind? Why was I tossed aside? I wanted the best for him too. I loved him too. So why did he choose to come back here in the end?"

"Because this is what he felt was best for him. Kyoto is his home, Rousoku. He wanted to come back and prove to himself that he had risen above what made him run in the first place. When he came back, that was exactly what he did. You had your own ideas about what was best for Osamu. I'm not sure you really took his situation into consideration."

"...You might be right." Rousoku whimpered. "Our minds were in two completely different places. I wanted him to stay and build a new life in Tara with me. But he didn't want a new life. He wanted to take back the life he lost. I didn't understand that back then."

Izanami turned her gaze to the sapphire-blue sky above, watching as a flock of sparrows glided atop the wind. "Osamu did what he did on the night we met because, on the inside, he didn't want to die alone. Often, the actions we take and the thoughts in our own head reflect that. We might think we're doing something on someone else's behalf, but in reality, we're only projecting our own wants onto them. Just as Osa had his wants back then, I'm sure you had your own, and those wants were influenced by your own situation. But you never really spoke much about yourself, did you?"

Rousoku shook her head. "I've always been a listener. It's just...who I am."

"Because you wanted someone to listen to you. You became for him what you wished someone could've done for you. Well, now the roles are reversed."

"Reversed?" Rousoku repeated.

Izanami smiled. "I want to be your listener. Please, tell me your story. I'll listen to every word of it. Maybe if you can tell me, it won't be so difficult telling Osamu."

"You really mean that, Izanami?"

"Of course I do. Tell me everything, Rousoku. It's about time someone listened to you for a change."