1.4: Big trouble in little hideout

“First we need to pick up the supplies, then we can become legends!” I sang with a spring in my step.

“I doubt a legend requires day old bread and bottled up water to thrive.”

Shut up, Ed. This isn’t the time for your snarky remarks. I was just about to get to the main part of the song!

As we bickered along the hidden pathway we made to our hideout (an old abandoned two story house that we found a year ago), we talked about what our journey will be like, starting off with my question:

“You think we’ll be as well-known as Schnell one day?”

“Hmm, I wonder…”

He paused for a noticeable second before coming to a conclusion.

“With your crazy ideas, we just might. I mean, it was thanks to your ‘adventurer’s intuition’ that we managed to find this hideout in the first place.”

Oh, praise me more, would ya? It’s not like you where the one to come up with the idea to make it ours. Oh, that reminds me:

“Speaking of Schnell, I re-read the handbook again.”

“Dude, this is like the thousandth time you’ve read that book, I think you’ve reached a serious case of obsession at this point.”

"Hmm, fair. But come on, it’s Schnell! You can’t go wrong with reading it a few times for good luck. Plus, reading is good for you."

“No matter, what was your favorite chapter this time, O Great Bookworm?” he asked snarkily.

“Try calling me that again and I swear I’ll punch you.” (note: I was serious)

“Why? It suits you more than ‘Grim’.”

“You were the one to come up with that nickname, and I don’t even remember you ever having called me by my first name.”

“Oh, that’s because-”

“~!!!”

At that moment, he went silent. So did I, to be honest. In front of our very eyes, we saw something that probably shaved off nearly a half of our lives.

Namely, a wild Snair was eating our prepared rations.

Snairs are human sized, man-eating serpents. Their skin fetches for a solid price, since it can be used in making bags and other sturdy gear. It had ate every last bit of our prepared food, and if it were to notice us, I’m sure we’d be next.

“(Grim…turn back…slowly)” whispered Ed through his teeth.

“(Right, if we use our surroundings and brains, we can kill it. Nice thinking.)”

“(WHAT?!?)” he raised his voice in surprise, whilst still keeping a whispering tone.

The snair budged at that. We haven’t got much time.

“(Listen, Ed, we have no time for your cowering. He ate all of our progress. If we kill it and sell it’s skin on the market, we could buy new rations.)”

“(But-)”

“(No buts! I didn’t bring my sword with me, so you slowly approach it from the front, and I’ll surprise it from behind.)”

***

With that, our first battle apparently began before our journey did. The plan was simple: I’ll wait for the snair to look at Ed’s direction before climbing to the balcony. Then, I’ll have him jump out and surprise it, while it’s shocked, I’ll smash it’s head in with my handbook.

The plan was officially a go!

I sneaked around the bushes, making sure it doesn’t hear me, all the while Ed keeps throwing rocks and making noise if it ever happens to drift it’s gaze onto my general direction.

Slowly, slowly, just like that.

“HISSSSSSSSSS!!!”

This is it, bye mom.

The snair had turned to my direction and hissed, I thought I was done for. But as it turns out, it was just hissing at it’s babies that were laying right… behind me.

“(Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!)” I booked it to the balcony without a single regard for if the mother snair had heard me. Right as I was about to get bit by a speedy baby snair, I jumped as high as my legs would allow and just barely made it to the top.

“PHEW! That sure surprised me. Now, sorry little ones, but I’ll be borrowing your mother for a wee little… eternity!”

As my edgy internal monologue began to leak out, I had slowly made my way to the other side of the hideout, so that the snair was situated right under me.

I gave Ed the signal to jump out, and so he did.

“GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!” he growled with such tremendous might that even I got a bit scared. Nice going, Ed!

“………………………….”

Except the snair didn’t flinch at all………and I already jumped.

“By the power of Schnell, get your head bashed in! (please)”

With such a proclamation, you’d think the snair would be kind enough to oblige. I mean, I even said please.

Since the snair wasn’t shocked by Ed’s pitiful excuse of a shriek, it immediately saw my shadow and opened it’s mouth to swallow me whole. Be it luck or Schnell’s power, she had somehow missed me completely and ate the book instead. Thanks to the book’s sheer size, the snair started choking on it as I used the situation given to me and started beating it with a rock I had found on the ground.

Soon, the snair stopped moving completely. It was dead. Before the children got to see the current state of their mother (or lack thereof), we both grabbed her and went back to the city. (And mind you, she was heavy).

***

“Heck yeah! We did it, Grim! Your crazy plan actually worked! Hehe, that’ll teach you not to mess with our turf, stupid snair!”

“………”

Ed was ecstatic to see my plan actually work. But I wasn’t really in the mood, seeing as I forcefully separated a mother from her babies. No matter what they are, family is family. I sure wouldn’t like seeing my mother be killed by some random kids…

“Yeah, if only you hadn’t went to look for food in our hideout…”

To my melancholic retort, Ed realized something was up, but I refused to tell him the truth, it’ll make him cry for days. I’ll keep this secret to my grave.

“Well, in any case, back to what we were saying…” Ed went to change the subject, “the reason I call you Grim is because I don’t remember your actual name.”

…Huh?

you what?

And just when I started praising you for being smart…

“ *sigh*…Lune, my name is Lune Grimheart. Remember it next time, Edward.”

I thought if I called him by his full first name, he’d follow suit.

“Whoa! That name’s way too cool for someone like you. I’ll just stick to Grim then.”

…Shut up, Ed.