1.8: The rules of lying

Coming back to the scene of the “crime”, I went to eavesdrop on the people still around. That way I might find out where they took Ed.

“Didn’t you see his condition?” one person asked, “They carried him off to Harper.”

Harper?

“Ohh! The kid’s lucky, Harper will fix him up in a jiff!” the other person explained.

So Harper is the town’s doctor, huh? Well, either that or a miracle worker. It doesn’t seem like I have to worry about his condition, though. I should go back to gramps and ask him where this Harper person is located.

“UNF! Oh, sorry about that, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

As I turned back, I accidentally bumped into someone. Apparently luck just isn’t on my side, though.

“Stop! You are hereby arrested for pushing a child off over a drop and hitting multiple people in the scrotum!”

“…I plead self-defense to both cases, officer.”

“Right…You’re coming with me to the station!”

For a moment, I thought about unleashing my sacred Nutcracker technique, but in this situation it would probably be safer to just listen to the officer’s orders and follow him to the station.

***

As we made it to the place, I was getting more and more nervous. Of course, explaining the situation exactly would’ve cleared my name, but I need Ed to come and vouch for me.

That’s where the problem lies, Ed’s with some Harper person, so I might have to wait a bit before he’s released from the hospital. In any case, the officers are free to just falsely accuse me and give me a random sentence. They’re adults who hold both power and authority over me, who’s still just a kid, so it’s not that farfetched.

I can’t trust them to not do that, so I’ll have to lie my way out of this place.

“Hellooo? Hey kid!”

“Ah, y-yes?”

Apparently I had zoned out during questioning, which was a very bad move. In these scenarios, I have to focus 110% of my brain into the conversation’s flow.

I learned this through years of experience, but the trick to not getting caught in your own web of lies is as such:

Manage your lies

Don’t tell one person lie A, and then the next person a conflicting lie B.

Create a coherent narrative

If you just lie about a single thing, it might be smart to add a bit of dots to connect. For example, “Jeff was there, he can vouch for me” or “I was at place A at that time”, etc…and leave it at that.

Don’t try too much to sound innocent

The worst thing to do is to say things like “What? No, I wasn’t there! What do you mean? I was somewhere else, so 100% I couldn’t have been there.”

Laughing it off is also a grave mistake in lying, as it comes off as suspicious, same goes for being too self-conscious.

The best thing to do is to just remain calm, and do as you always do. Don’t change your behavior and keep on telling half-truths that even you would believe. And finally…

As the old saying goes “If I tell someone my aunt died, I want that news to reach her.”

No matter what, the more weight a lie holds, the longer you have to keep it afloat. This ties into the first point, you don’t wanna get complacent and forget about your first lie when you tell someone a conflicting second one.

Now that we’re all caught up on Lying 101, let’s try them out on this cop.

“Boy, you are suspected of pushing the child in question, Edward Saint, off the viewport above the main street. Could you explain to me what exactly happened there?”

“With all due respect, I have no idea what you’re talking about, sir.”

Nice one, Lune! I said the line super smoothly, and it looks like my ball-breaking charges have been waived for now. Added bonus!

“You weren’t? Even though your appearance matches that of the suspect…Well, we might have to keep you a bit longer, but don’t worry” the officer said with a reassuring tone, “since the boy that got pushed said you didn’t do it on purpose and appears to be doing just fine, you won’t be in any trouble if you confess.”

A-ha! There it is! The “You won’t be in trouble if you confess!”

See, that’s how they getcha, you mustn’t fall for that one.

“I understand what you’re trying to say, sir, but I honestly have no idea who you’re talking about. I was just on my way to get some groceries for my grandfather, when I got dragged in here for no reason.”

I was only partially lying, since Arthur isn’t my grandpa.

But this allows me to make use of three of the four rules.

“Oh, I see, but you weren’t carrying anything when I saw you.”

“Obviously, since I didn’t make it to the store.”

At this somewhat nasty retort, I clicked my tongue at him. He seemed kind of uncomfortable.

“I-I see, I apologize for that. Since it’s dark, I’m sure your grandfather is quite worried.”

Nice! Just a bit more and I’m home free!

“So, I will personally escort you to your home and apologize to him.”

…Rule 4, commit.