Ideal School Life

Darren, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve watched over you for the past three years.

Even when you try to play it cool, you’re constantly wearing your emotions on your sleeve.

Just—

Please.

Don’t rebel, alright?

If you’re angry, I’m sorry.

But I’m just doing my job.

—

I’m being stepped on.

No.

I’m drinking out of a toilet.

No, definitely not.

My ass is sticking out from a kennel’s entrance as I get whipped mercilessly. “Dirty doggy,” a Korean girl’s voice spits. Then a hot blonde teacher joins in and tells me I need to work harder if I want to fulfil my potential.

Oh fuck yeah.

…

Wait, I’m supposed to be eating.

***

As I lurched awake, I found myself in the exact spot Boobies had left me at after giving me her number. The first thing I did was reach for my chin.

Drool-status: No drool.

Phew.

I mean, I wouldn’t say I was an extremely hygienic person, but that was more due to circumstance than anything else. It’s hard to invest in skincare when your country exclusively imports overpriced brands from Japan and Korea ever since China got globally embargoed in the 2040s.

Boner-status.

“Darren Ch—”

“Wh-what in the fucking fuck?!”

I turned my head to the door so violently my neck cracked. The only time in my life it’d moved faster was when a certain girl with a doggy fetish had kicked it.

“Dude, can you knock?!”

“What do you mean? It’s our shared classroom.”

“O-okay, but still…”

The Korean sized me up a bit from the doorway with a curious look, then proceeded to walk towards me in her usual manner (bitch-like). I, of course, was angling myself towards the projector screen for no reason in particular.

“Darren Chong.”

“Y-yeah?”

Smack.

Holy shit.

It wasn’t even gentle, it was a full-on crack of a whip.

“What the fuck is your problem, woman?!” I screamed, gyrating away from my hiding spot.

“We need to talk.”

“Don’t slap me in public!”

“Well, you were clearly hiding something from me. And does that mean it’s okay to slap you not-in-public?”

“…”

QUIPS AREN’T FUCKING FUNNY!

I had half a mind to slap her back, but Erica would probably break my arm if I attempted that. Tyranny works because tyrants tend to be strong, and judging by how many (figurative) cocks were in her ass her power level was likely something not to be trifled with. There was nothing to rely on except my good looks, charisma, and a generous serving of Western diplomacy to defuse this situation. More importantly, I needed to follow the to-do list I’d mentally promised Sakura Emi:

DARREN LIVING THE IDEAL SCHOOL LIFE:

1. Eat and grow. (180cm!)

2. Study hard. (A+!)

3. Make friends. (Best years of my life!)

So.

“You know what? Fuck ‘we need to talk’, fuck your janky ass proportions, and fuck you. I’ve had enough of your bullshit, you fucking abusive piece of shit, and I sincerely hope you—”

Slap.

“COME ON!!”

“I’m trying to be nice here.”

“FUCK YOU!”

“Stop screaming. What are you, a toddler?”

“You’re playing the age card? YOU?!”

“Darren Chong. Be serious, please.”

She turned her back towards me after saying that. Be SeRiOuS. If I really wanted to, I could’ve probably knocked her out right there and then — but for whatever reason I found myself transfixed by the curve of her shoulders as she sauntered to my desk.

Hey.

Has she ever been this vulnerable with me?

She hoisted herself onto my desk and let her legs dangle languidly over the edge, clearly exhausted by something that’d happened during break. If only she weren’t wearing her signature scowl on her face right now, maybe I’d be more sympathetic towards her feelings.

…

No, I’m lying again.

She doesn’t have to try to be beautiful.

“The matter’s urgent,” she said, absentmindedly brushing her hair.

I sighed as I nursed my cheek. “You know, I wouldn’t have ignored you if you’d just started off… like this.”

“Like how?”

“Like… more… you know what, nevermind.”

She cocked her head curiously to one side, though her expression quickly faded away after a few blinks. Back to her scowl it was.

Evanescent beauty.

“Alright, whatever, I don’t care. Look. I need to make a disclaimer before I proceed with all this. It’s vital that I contextualise everything before you start believing I have a soft spot for you.”

“…Uh.”

“I have no male acquaintances, okay? Zero. Zilch. If I had to be completely honest, I’d say I even border on hating you. I’m simply telling you this because there are no other relevant people I can seek help from — relevant in this case being the parameters of “possessing a penis” and “in my orientation group”. Don’t take it personally — and by that, I mean don’t get the wrong idea. I’ll kill you if you get the wrong idea, you understand?”

“…”

Evanescent beauty with a cock in her ass.

“Doggy,” she said. “Say you understand.”

“…”

“Say it, Darren Chong.”

“I… I got it.”

Fuck my life. What a terrible day to have eyes.

“Good boy.”

She uncrossed her legs and crossed them again.

I did a double-take.

I did a triple-take.

Wait—

“Unfortunately, I’m still not sure how to go about this despite saying all of that,” she admitted. “I suppose it’d be best described as a cooperative agreement mixed with elements of a mutualistic relationship…. or perhaps an alliance? I’m not sure.”

Did she just—

“Well, whatever you want to call it, I’d like to form one with you.”

“Did you just flash your panties at me?”

She cocked her head to the side.

“…Huh?”

“…”

“…”

No way. No, this bitch is gaslighting me. NO NO NO NO NO—

Knock knock knock.

Three taps of a desk.

“Anyway, back on topic. Your thoughts on the proposal, please?”

“H-huh? Oh. You just, er… basically want to be friends with me, right?”

“What the—”

Erica’s eyes widened in horror as if she’d just seen human shit on the sidewalk.

“Friends? With you? Are you fucking retarded?”

“Guh.”

I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up from a singular panty flash. It was evident I still had eons to go before I understood this person.

“R-right. I was joking. A professional alliance, let’s call it that. But what for?”

“It’s simple,” she stated. “I hate people.”

Who would’ve guessed?

No, really — who would’ve guessed?

“Especially boys,” she spat. “They never know how to read the mood. As long as you’re a girl without a significant other, they’ll start orbiting around you like a pack of chimps. It’s sad and pathetic. God forbid if you ever get grouped with any for project work, because then they’ll take it as a sign that they have the green light to text you whenever for ‘discussion’s sake’ even though it’s clear they’re typing with one hand. They’re perverts, all of them.”

“Okay, I think you’re exaggerating a bit, but go on…”

“I’m not exaggerating, Darren. I’m serious. I HATE BOYS.”

Her eyes had this murderous glint to them like she was about to punish me for my dumb comment. Very sexy. Her boobs even jiggled in tandem with her ribbon as she flung her fists in the air.

…

Stop that. She’s trying to be open with you.

I hastily averted my gaze. “O-okay fine. Let’s say I’m wrong… but then why don’t you just tell them to screw off? You do that to me all the time.”

Like in her “disclaimer”, for example.

“That’d be social suicide. I don’t want people to have a bad impression of me.”

“You actually care about that?”

“Of course.”

“Do you really?”

“Yes.”

“Then what about me?”

“W-well… that’s di— you’re different.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

What the fuck is going on?

“A-anyway, are you going to help me or not?”

“U-um, y-y-yeah. Sure.”

My fingers were shaking. My legs were shaking. Erica was either a genius actress, or I’d never woken up from my dream with the vinyl leather suit and spiked whip and pegging and Sakura Emi’s cameo.

“H-hold on. What do you need me to do again, exactly?”

“J-just follow me around and make me look busy. Okay?”

Oh my god.

I am Erica’s fake boyfriend.

“Um… okay.”

Just as I said that, the door to the classroom slid open, and I began to put the backstory of Erica’s cryptic request together.

Stepping in was the guy who sat in front of me in class, wearing his annoying diamond earring with his annoying face and his perfectly annoying hair. He annoyingly even had a few inches on me… probably in more ways than one. He definitely also played soccer or basketball or tennis or whatever the hell was popular with girls nowadays — you could tell because he unbuttoned his top button. Stupid sexy fucker.

“Yo, Erica! Are we still getting food?”

His face was handsome, and his voice even more so.

BUT — and this was a massive but — he messed up big time. Just by choosing to hit on her on the first day of school without lubing it up, he’d basically doomed himself to be forever hated by the vengeful Erica Park. It wouldn’t be long until the Korean completely went sicko mode on him for… wait, what?

What the fuck is this woman doing?!

Words could not explain the amount of shock coursing through my body. It was what I imagined learning your sister was actually your mother would feel like.

“Oh, hey!” Erica jumped off my desk and started twirling her hair. “Sorry, I just had to talk to our classmate over here.”

Then she glared at me. I could somehow telepathically hear her TWO-FACED BACKSTABBING BITCH ASS VOICE.

Play along, doggy.

FuCk YoU, fUcKeR. “Uh, yeah. Hi there. Erica and I were talking. ‘Bout stuff. Real serious in nature.”

Chad looked rather perplexed by my response. Well, I didn’t actually know what his name was, but it might as well have been Chad. He was pulling off the earring look at 15, goddamnit.

“Is this your boyfriend?”

“Not at all!” Erica replied with such vigour that it physically hurt me. “We’re not even friends at all, actually. Ahaha!”

Guh.

“Oh, I see! Well, sorry for assuming. But it’s nice to have someone you can already talk to on the first day of school, yeah? Anyway, we should all go grab a quick bite once you’re both done. There’s still about twenty minutes of break left, and I don’t think your friend here has eaten yet.” He turned to address me by smiling warmly. “You were talking to the teacher, right? I don’t think I got your name.”

Shit. This man was a smooth operator. Way too smooth. The worst part was that he seemed completely genuine, despite his waxed hair and Chad-like exterior. He looked at me as if he was actually interested even though I was of the same sex as him. Maybe he was legitimately pure of heart — earlier on, what should’ve been a patronising question about boy-girl-relationships actually sounded like an innocent observation when it came from his unchapped lips.

I glanced at Erica and gestured with my eyes. Eh, why not?

She shot me back a murderous glare. Kill yourself.

I sighed. An alliance was an alliance, I guess.

“I’m Darren. Look, man—”

“I’m Bryan with a Y,” he said, interrupting me with an outstretched arm.

I politely declined his handshake. I had to focus on getting him to go away. “R-right, Bryan. I’m sorry to say this, but Erica… Erica’s actually lesbian.”

“I’M WHAT?”

I shrugged off the bitch with a wave of my hand. She would thank me later for my stroke of genius.

Bryan didn’t seem phased in the slightest, though. “Oh, cool! By the way, are you not a handshake type of guy?”

“...Wait, didn’t you hear what I said? I said she's lesbian.”

“Mhm,” Bryan nodded. “Sure did.”

When I didn’t move or respond for three seconds, Bryan grabbed my arm with his own and moved us into a brofist. It didn’t feel like one of those pseudo-threats disguised as pleasantries that jocks did — it genuinely felt like a friendly greeting between two new acquaintances. He even patted my shoulder a few times afterwards.

“Hold on, Chad— I mean Bryan. Erica is lesbian. She’s gay. Mega gay. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“I’m… pretty sure I do..?” he smiled nervously.

I started rubbing my temples in confusion. “Like, like, she doesn’t like dick. She doesn’t want the D. She doesn’t want your D.”

“Okay, Darren Chong, I think that’s enough…”

“Shut up, woman! I have a duty, and I’m going to fulfil it.”

“Hahaha!” Bryan laughed. “Is this a skit or something? You’re actually pretty hilarious, man.”

The way he said it all was so utterly void of contempt that it only looped around and made me angrier. The horseshoe theorem. I ended up stomping into his personal space to settle the score, but sadly, our height difference meant I had to crane my neck upwards to address him.

“Listen up, Bryan with a ‘Y’. She likes the V.” I made two peace signs with my hands, then with the force of an exploding sun, I slammed both of the acute angles together to form intersecting Vs. “Scissoring. This is what Erica does. See? See this? This is scissoring.” I started to grind my hands together violently. It felt like the skin between my fingers was about to rip off from the friction, but I didn’t care. “This doesn’t form a ‘Y’, Bryan, it forms a fucking ‘X’. Do you see? Do you see my hands? There are no cocks in this demonstration, only holes. Strictly girls’ holes. Do you fucking copy?”

“I do. Loud and clear!” he grinned. He seemed to like my joke.

He thought I was joking.

He thought I was trying to lighten the mood.

He’s such a nice guy.

And then… It hit me.

Oh my fucking god. This guy wasn’t interested in hitting on Erica at all. He just felt bad because it’s obvious she wouldn’t be making friends anytime soon.

As I finally got to the bottom of everything, I glanced over at the girl in question. It looked like she was shell shocked. As if she was witnessing monkeys jerking off by the side of the road.

“I need to use the bathroom.”

She brisk-walked out of the room at an Olympic pace, leaving me alone with Bryan’s imposing figure. The image of Erica sitting on my desk flashed through my mind as I tried to understand what I did wrong.

“Well… That sucked,” he said. “I thought the stand-up routine was pretty funny. But I guess it’s different when you’re the butt of the joke, huh?”

“...”

“Let’s just apologise to her later, man. You wanna go get food?”

“...Uh, sure.”

I HATE BOYS.

Those words echoed in my mind as I followed Bryan to the cafeteria. I would end up no longer making fun of anyone who believed that phrase unironically.