The One For Me.

When I came to, I realised that an endless expanse of white surrounded me. I felt a sort of uncertainty in my mind, wondering what was happening. Then I felt a sense of accomplishment once I realised I was finally lucid dreaming.

Alright, I thought to myself, let me go through the checklist to make sure.

My name is Zeal. There's just two things you need to know about me. One is that I have an incredibly mysterious girlfriend called Joy. She has been living with me for a good while now, but her background is still a complete mystery to me. However, I know that she is the one for me.

The other thing is that I really, like really really, love love. More specifically, I have a passion for the expression of passions. In other words, I like to witness the bonding of bodies intertwining in the dance as old as life. Basically I like watching people doing it.

And by some stroke of luck, I managed to find someone that is as into this …hobby … passion ... lifestyyyyyyyle I don’t even know, as me. Or more accurately, she found me. Yeah, crazy. It’s like one of those stupid tropes you see in bad movies, or books, or webnovels published on the internet to troll an amateur writing contest. Despite my efforts, that’s all I managed before I lost lucidity.

I opened my eyes to find myself blindfolded, gagged, and with my hands bound. It took a moment, but I remembered that Joy would sometimes do this while I was sleeping as a sort of surprise when I woke up. Don’t worry, I fully consent to this part. I’m just glad this isn’t one of those times where she inserts something where the sun don’t shine. As you can no doubt tell, we are an extremely adventurous couple.

“MmmmMMmMmMm,” I made as much noise as I could to get the attention of my lovely girlfriend.

A few moments later, I felt the familiar embrace of her hand on my face and finally, my gag was removed.

I took a deep breath, “oh, babe. We haven’t done this in awhile. What can I expect to see when you remove this blindfold?” I exclaimed with both excitement and expectation.

“We’re doing something a bit different today.”

“Different? Good different or bad different?”

“Well, see for yourself,” she said, removing the blindfold from my face.

When the feeling of the cloth started to fade, I began to instinctively blink fast expecting a lit room. Instead, what greeted me was that we were in a small room aboard a spaceship. The room looked eerily similar to the apartment we were living in together just last night. Albeit with one major difference. There was a giant window to one side of the room that gave me glimpses of the stars and other celestial bodies we were passing.

“Hot damn! I knew I was a heavy sleeper, I just didn’t think that you’d be able to tie me up, get me out of the house, board me onto a spaceship, and achieve escape velocity before I noticed anything. That is, quite an achievement.”

“Oh no, I just gave you some sleep medication. You’ve been sleeping like a baby for the last 12 hours.”

“Space sex? That will be a first for me.”

“No, we’re not doing any of that right now. I brought you here to surprise you in another way.”

“Right, so are you going to tell me what this is all about or are you going to keep being a mysterious little wanker.”

“I suppose I might as well not beat around the bush,” Joy sat down on the bed and beckoned me to join her. “There’s a reason I’ve been unwilling to open up about myself to you.” She paused, seemingly trying to gather her thoughts. “Where I come from, we have a bit of a unique culture. I just didn’t know if I wanted to introduce you to it, because it is a lot.”

“Come on now, the very first moment I laid my eyes on you, I only had two thoughts in my mind. The first one was wow, now that is the lady for me. And the other was I hope my sister gets my message and can bail me out in case I’m meeting an organ harvester.”

“That seems like a bit of an exaggeration, I mean, you know I wouldn’t do something like that to you right?”

“...Truth be told, that was the first thing that came to mind when you took off my blindfold just now. It crossed my mind for a split second, but I thought you were just playing a long con. I mean the thought went as fast as it came.”

“Wow. Now that just stings. Anywho, the reason I decided to wait so long is because I needed to be certain that you were the one for me too. After a year of living with you, seeing how you care for me, how you compliment me in every way shape and form, I know that you are the one for me too.”

“Aw babe,” I couldn’t help but crack a big smile, even if that was the corniest line she’s ever said. We looked into each other’s loving eyes and smiled stupidly at each other for a good little while.

She pointed a finger at me, then at the ceiling, then placed her hand on her chest and double-tapped her heart.

I knew what this meant of course, it was just a sort of code between the two of us. Pointing at the other signified “that person”, no surprise there. Pointing to the ceiling just meant “one”. And finally, the tapping of the heart meant “you are in my mind and my heart”. Together, this code meant that “you are the only one in my heart”. We started doing this because saying it made it sound way too cliche. So to have our very own signal, it just means the world to me, and I assume the same for her as well. I signalled our code to her as well and we just sat there smiling like a bunch of grade schoolers for a little bit.

“Alright Zeal, we’re going to get to my planet pretty soon, and I have to warn you beforehand. We are a … special … kind of people.”

I knew that during the rare times she used my name like that, she would never kid around. “What kind of special are we talking about here?”

“I’ll explain how we became like this to you later, but for now, all you need to know is that we are a very. Horny. People.”

“I’m sorry, Joy, you should know that this is basically what defines our relationship, why would you be hesitant in showing this side of you? I mean, this just sounds like my kind of people.”

“You don’t understand Zeal. You, well, you are obsessed with this stuff, but us? We live it. We breathe it. It is as much a part of us as eating. Naturally, since this is the case, we do have a lot of exceptional individuals all with unparalleled ways of relieving their sexual energy. And we have lots.”

“Don’t worry, love. I’ve been on the internet for a long time now. I think I can handle whatever your planet can throw at me.”

“I think even a certified porn connoisseur such as yourself will be astonished to find the levels of debauchery that you’ll be able to find. It is deemed the horniest planet in the universe for a reason, after all.” she insisted.

“I still think I can handle it, but I’ll prepare myself for the worst. You do know me best, after all, if you think I can’t handle it, then it must really be something incredible.”

“Which leads me to something else that you need to know before we land. I am actually part of the royal family. As you can expect, with all the sex my people are having, I am but one of several candidates for the throne of Cumalot.”

I took in a deep breath with quivering lips. It took me a fat minute of trying not to laugh before I could finally talk with any sense of dignity. “Is that supposed to be a sex pun involving Camelot Castle?”

“Yes.”

“Oh god, I love your people. Does that mean I finally get to meet your family?”

“Not exactly, you see, we don’t actually have the common family unit that you are used to. We find it too restricting so we just didn’t bother with it at all. Instead, most people choose to remain bachelors all their lives and screw as many people as they can. That includes the royalty and the nobles.”

“Interesting, although I have to admit, now I am a bit concerned whether or not I’m going to be seeing anything the rest of the Intergalactic Civil Union of Planets will find illegal.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. The ICUP agents came to our planet a couple decades ago and set everything straight. Before that, it was led by my grandfather, King Humpindumpinfluppershire.”

“I’m sorry, is that his first name? Did his mother not love him?”

“No, King is his first name, Humpindumpinfluppershire is the last name he chose for himself when he became the first ruler of the planet.”

“That is hands down, by far, the stupidest, most ludicrous last name I have ever heard in my entire life.”

“Just a heads up, you shouldn’t say that once we land. This name holds a significant amount of weight and historical importance. Plus, it is my last name as well. By the way, I'm not going to take that kind of disrespect from someone who has an even more ridiculous last name than I do, Mr. Zeal Johnny Donkeyballs." She looked at me expecting some kind of retort.

"Yeah, well, my family has been harvesting donkeyballs for well over a century now, and I'm proud to have my heritage reflected in my name. No matter how ridiculous it sounds! Can you say the same for your last name?"

"Actually, I can. You see, my grandfather used the ultimate sex technique, Humpindumpinfluppershire, to stop a war and became the first ruler of the planet."

"I’m sorry, it’s just that everything that has come out of your mouth in the last couple minutes has been less and less believable. Assuming you aren’t pulling my leg, what does this legendary technique consist of?"

"No one knows."

"What do you mean?"

"You see, my grandfather never revealed the secrets of the ultimate sexnique. And the two others he performed it on have been sworn to secrecy. It may very well remain a mystery forever."

"Boo! That's no way to end a story. I…" Before I could finish, the spaceship started making all sorts of noises. "Landing time already? That was fast."

"Just remember what I told you before. You're going to see some acts of pure lust so imaginable to your relatively virgin eyes, that you'll question your sanity and that of my people."

"Oh, ye of so little faith."

"Don't say I didn't warn you." She sighed.

It didn't take us long to wait for the spaceship to land and for us to disembark. The first thing I noted was that the spaceship we were on was shaped like a sperm cell. Which, I have to say, I should’ve expected that. Not even a minute later I understood what she meant. I looked at Joy in disbelief and all she gave in return was a "yup" on her face.

"Is that man fucking a Serrano pepper?"