Cloudy Glasses

Despite our aversion to each other, the universe kept pulling Yuasa and I together in the library. We had almost gotten used to seeing each other as we walked through the same bookshelves, facing opposite ways.

“Kitahashi-san…” I blurted out the next time I saw him.

“What? Are you going to steal another book from me?”

“How long is your list anyway…?”

“Shouldn’t you know how long it is?”

“I already said I never knew about your list…”

“I still find that hard to believe by the fact that we keep meeting in the same spots as the books on my list are.”

“It’s just a coincidence…”

“Really? Then what book were you going to choose here?”

I looked around. “I hadn’t decided yet.”

“Choose one.”

“Why…?”

“Just do it.” He glared at me as he watched me so I had no choice but to do what he said.

“Um… Then…” I looked over the many titles. “This one sounds interesting.”

Yuasa quickly pulled a small notebook from his pocket. He flipped open to a page and scanned the list. He checked what book I chose. Then he clenched his jaw.

“It’s the same.” He put the notebook in my face. “It’s the same! How is this a coincidence?!” He raised his voice.

I cowered back. “What…? But… I really chose it randomly…” I looked over his list now that it was in my face. All of those titles sound interesting. I can see myself choosing them next.

I decided to ask, “how do you choose your books…?”

He took his notebook back and put it away. “I asked for a list of the books in this library by that dimwit at the checkout counter. After he finally got me the record of books recorded on the computer he plays games on, I looked over the list and chose interesting sounding titles to check out.”

“Then… aren’t we both just checking out interesting titles we see…?”

“Do you really think that’ll happen every time though? It’s too much to be a coincidence. Inform me of what book you’ll choose next, without stealing glances at my list, and then we’ll see if this coincidence is real or not.”

“The only time I’ve seen your list is when you put it in my face…”

“And I’ll never believe that until I see it.”

I looked at him with disbelief. “...fine. Should I come talk to you the moment I enter the library after school?”

“Do you come here any other time?”

“No.”

“Then that’s fine. You didn’t happen to talk to the dunce at the checkout counter, did you? I doubt he would have known what books I wrote down anyway even though I did it right in front of him.”

“I’ve never even talked to him… I don’t even know his name…”

“Good. By the way, what’s your name? I don’t think you ever told me.”

“...Shiotani. Saki Shiotani.”

“You’re not a third year, right?”

“I’m a second year.”

“Very well, Shiotani-kun. I won’t let you off if you don’t inform me of what book you’ll read tomorrow. Now give me the book in your hand.”

I can’t help but feel like he’s just adding ‘-kun’ to my name to look down on me, instead of using it in an endearing way…

“...why? Did you want to read together again?”

He froze. “No. Never mind.” He quickly turned around and practically ran away.

He really irritates me. I’m shocked that a coincidence like this keeps happening, but why does he have to keep accusing me of looking at his list instead of believing that I never did? I really don’t want to talk to him if he’s going to act like this every time.

“Do you have siblings, Rose?”

I see a text from Kishi when I get home.

“No, I’m an only child. Do you have siblings, Ki-chan?”

“Yes. An older sister.”

“That’s nice, I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to have siblings. Are you two close?”

“No, we’re not very close… We have a pretty big age gap and she’s already moved out of the house. I don’t really see her anymore.”

“Oh, that’s too bad…”

“My mother said she contacted my sister recently. It sounds like she’s doing well living with her boyfriend. Apparently he proposed to her and she said yes. I didn’t even know.”

“I see. You two don’t ever text each other?”

“I just don’t feel close enough to her to do that… She’s my sibling by blood, but we feel more like strangers. Sorry, I’m not sure why I’m telling you this…”

“It’s alright. You can tell me anything. That sounds like a tough situation. But if you do want to be closer to her, you could start by texting her. Congratulate her on her engagement. I’m sure she’d appreciate it. Only if you want to though.”

“You’re right… Thanks, Rose. I’ve always felt upset about our relationship. I wonder if it’s because of our age gap or maybe we don’t have much in common. Or maybe she doesn’t want to hang out with me…”

“There’s no way to know what she’s thinking until you talk to her. It might seem scary or you might not be ready to talk to her yet, but it’s the only way to put your worries at ease. I don’t want you to feel upset, Ki-chan. I want you to be able to be happy.”

“Thanks, Rose… That means a lot. I think you might be my first ever best friend.”

“Wow, I’m flattered. I feel a bit undeserving of that title…”

“You’re definitely deserving of it! All my friends in the past just seemed interested in me because of my looks… They only liked me because I was ‘cute’... But talking like this with you, I know you see me as more than that. So truly thank you, I feel like we actually feel like friends.”

It’s true that I was only interested in him at first because of his appearance. But as we got to talking, I saw his personality. I still think his face is cute, but so is his personality. He’s kind and it’s fun talking to him. I almost feel comforted by him… Can I truly be friends with someone like that? Will he accept me? No matter what I look like…?

“I feel like we’re friends too, Ki-chan. I’m glad I chose to talk to you.”

“Can we be best friends then?”

“Of course. We’re best friends.”

“I’m so happy! Hey, Rose… can’t we meet in person?”

I wasn’t expecting that question to come up again. What should I say? Do I want to meet him in person? If I meet him in person… What if my fear becomes reality? What if he hates what he sees? What if he can only say nice words but deep down he doesn’t really mean them? I can’t help but question his true character… Because anyone can fake who they are.

“I’m sorry…”

“I see… That’s alright. Maybe there will be a day when you’re comfortable! I’m going to figure out what I should say to my sister now. Have a good evening.”

I sighed. I feel like he wouldn’t fake who he is. Why would he do that while texting a stranger? We didn’t know each other well enough in the beginning anyway. But my fear is only there to protect me… I don’t want to get hurt… Not by bullies cutting up my face with scissors this time, but by someone who I thought could accept me and be my friend but chooses to abandon me like all the others…

I felt a bit down the next day. I forced myself out of bed. Once it was club time, I sighed thinking about how I had to report to Yuasa before I could sit down with a book and relax.

He was waiting for me near the entrance of the library when I walked in.

“Now go choose a book. I’ll be watching you,” he said.

I couldn’t help thinking that this was stupid but I walked farther into the library and gazed at the shelves. I focused on finding an interesting sounding mystery novel for today. Once I found one, I took it down from the shelf.

“...that one?” Yuasa asked. He opened his notebook and flipped to a page. Then he put it in my face for the second time. “It’s on the list.”

“You saw how I chose it randomly though, right…?” I replied.

“Yes. While I might have to admit that this whole thing has been a coincidence, it’s far too bizarre. What are the odds that two strangers would pick the same books to read ten times out of ten? I don’t believe in things like fate, but this situation seems a little too weird. Why would I be fated to meet you anyway?”

“It’s… It’s not like I want this to be happening…” I clutched the book in my hands.

“I don’t want this to be happening either. I’ve gotten rather tired of your face, at least from what I can see of it. How can you see with your hair in your face anyway? And your glasses look too smudged and cloudy to be able to see out of it. Either clean them or toss them and get new ones. They’re an eyesore.”

Toss my glasses? There’s no way I can do that… “You… You can’t tell me what to do…”

“I’m just trying to make your life easier, you know. If you could see better, you’d probably have an easier time reading. I saw how slow you read when you forced me to read with you. I don’t understand how you can make yourself have an unpleasant time. In fact, why don’t I get rid of those glasses for you? They aren’t prescription anyway, right?”

Before I could stop him, Yuasa reached toward my face and pulled my glasses off. I quickly put my hands up to cover my exposed skin, dropping the book I was holding. I held my long bangs tightly to my face and peeked between my fingers.

“Give it back…!” I cried out desperately. My heart was beating out of my chest like it wanted to break free from my rib cage and run away.

“These things are awful,” Yuasa said, ignoring me as he looked through the cloudy lenses of my glasses. “Why do you choose to torture yourself like this?”

“Give it back!” I repeated as I took my hand off my bangs and reached to take them from his hands.

He pulled his hand back and held the glasses farther away just as I swiped at them. “And why would I do that? I’m doing you a favor. If you don’t have a good enough reason why I should let you have it, then I’m never giving it back. It should go into the trash.”

I couldn’t stop my body from trembling. Moments in junior high flashed through my mind. A group of girls stealing my things, waving them above my head, destroying them in front of my eyes… How could I not realize that he’s just like them?

“Please… I need them…” I begged helplessly as I continued to reach my hand out for it.

“You need them? To give yourself a headache? I don’t think so. Your reason has to be better than that.”

“Please… Give it back… Please…” I was starting to lose hope. If I don’t get those glasses back, everyone will see the ugly scars on my face. Everyone will see how much I look like a monster. My school life will be hell once again…

“...You’re pathetic. Fine, if you want these dreadful glasses, then you can have them. I don’t want to touch them anymore.”

Once he handed them back, I quickly snatched them out of his hand and turned around to put them back on. I took some deep breaths after they were on and my scenery became familiar again. This cloudy lighting is perfect for me…

“I hate when desperate plebeians beg,” Yuasa continued talking. “Just get out of my sight.”

I glanced back at him. “I didn’t know you actually stoop so low as to bully others… You’re the worst…”

Before I started crying in front of him, I quickly left the library and ran all the way home.