Killing the Guilt

My eyes fluttered open and I took a moment to process my surroundings. From the rocking of the room and the nauseous feeling I have deep inside, I can tell that we are in the air now, heading back to Japan. I was in a familiar bed, the sheets were simple and light, and the walls were painted a lavish red. The windows were small and circular, they were plane windows afterall.

I had finally killed father, I should celebrate it shouldn’t I? Then why am I crying, why is my world in black and white?! I tried to sit up, however, I couldn’t.

“Whoa bud, take it easy” That familiar laid back voice, it was Red.

“You’ve been badly injured Gray” A female’s voice, filled with strength and worry, that’s no doubt Aoi.

“おめでとう!” (Congratulations!) This voice sounded rough, as if coming from some country farmer, that’s Evan.

“Woo! Let’s throw a large mafia party once we get back to celebrate!” Red was trying to get my spirits up, however, this only made me feel worse.

“I’m really happy for you, Gray” Even Aoi’s attempt makes me feel sick. Father’s death, I’m not happy about it! But they don’t understand!

“Yer definitely gonna hafta ask Aoi out now! She bridal carried ya while escapin’!” Evan making his usual round of jokes.

“You do look like a great couple!” Red going along with him.

“I told you to keep quiet about that!” That’s Aoi, so easy to tease.

“Wait. Bridal carried?!” I cried out after realizing what Evan had said. My face got all hot and red. Aoi bridal carried me like a bride?! Aoi stood there, unable to look me in the eyes, she was twirling her blond hair, and her face was flushed.

“Th-Thanks Aoi” I stammered. However, Aoi was now too busy chasing the two buffoons around to have heard me.

Watching the chaos around me had made me feel better, it kept my mind off of Father. I started laughing, this was just like how it always was, us buffoons acting so unlike a mafia. I love these guys all so much.

My mind wanders off to what Father had told me about how I can find true strength. That means leaving the mafia and starting a family. My eyes suddenly shifted to Aoi… a family… AHH What am I thinking! I can’t leave the mafia, this is where I belong! I can’t abandon everyone, not when they have supported me all this way. I’m sure if I stay in the mafia and raise a family here, that’s fine too wouldn’t it be? Aoi was raised in hers, Red also grew up in the mafia and so did I…

I’m the boss here now! Things are different than what they were before. I looked at Aoi, beautiful as ever, she had Red in a choke hold, and Red, stupid as ever, his face was turning red from the choke hold. Where was that country hick Evan?!

Oh, he’s across from Aoi and Red, sitting at the airplane’s bar, sipping on some alcohol. I wonder if Evan and Red have anyone they liked? Do they also want to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with? Afterall, they always tease me about my affairs. But for Red to have one… that’s almost impossible.

I looked away, and lost myself in thought.

How did Father meet his wife, and what kind of husband was he? What kind of father was he to his new kids? I still remember that family portrait of his hanging on the wall, it’s taunting me, as if saying that Father loves his new children more than me.

I replay the moments I had fought with Father in my head, despite losing most of his hearing and sight, he still managed to overpower me.

What gave him that strength?

Maybe I should leave the mafia… I’ve been here for 20 years and I am nowhere near to realizing true strength. Perhaps the answer for me does lie outside? Or does it lie with raising a family?! Or both??

“Hey hey hey Grayyyy lets go on a trip together once we head back!!!” Red ran towards me and almost ran into my bed.

“A trip? To where?” This was all sudden, however, I was interested.

“I was thinking of just us 4, the execs visiting an amusement park together.” Pitched in Aoi, who seemed pretty into the idea as well.

“Why an amusement park?” I was curious, Aoi didn’t seem like the type to enjoy childish things like that.

“Well…ummえっと...” Her face gets red, she was nervous all of a sudden?

“It’s those two idiots! They put that idea in my head!!” Aoi got flustered and angry.

“きいいいいいい!” (Kiiiiiii) Both Red and Evan squealed like excited children and ran away from Aoi. Honestly, I wonder what the rest of the mafia would think if they see us acting like this.

“Well um, if you would rather visit somewhere else then I’m fine with that too.” Aoi looks around the room, trying to avoid making contact with my eyes.

“Yeah lets visit somewhere else, I don’t think you’re the type do something as childish as visit the amusement park… how about lets do something hardcore, like rock climbing? We can also go to a museum, which seems more suited to serious and cool women such as…” My voice trailed off as I saw Aoi puffing her cheeks, and her brows have started on a steep incline that reminds me of a rock climbing wall... She seemed angry about something. Before I can say anything, Aoi stomps off without saying a word.

I saw Red come towards me. “Tsk tsk tsk Not cool man” Red seemed disappointed yet smug.

“What did I say to make Aoi angry? I just don’t want her going to the amusement park just because you kids want to!”

“Gray, how dense can you be?!” Said Red with a smile. He then leaned in close to me and whispered something.

“Aoi actually came to Evan and I asking for help on suggesting romantic places. She wants to go to the amusement park during Kishiwada Danjiri Matsuri with everyone as a chance to get close to a certain blockhead…”

I blushed, no wonder she was angry!

“Plus, ye called ‘er cool, that’s like… a large no no when it comes to women like Aoi!” That was Evan chiming in.

I really misunderstood Aoi, I must have made her feel so terrible, I have to apologize to her the next time she comes here.

“Don’t tell Aoi we told you this though, but knowing this information, you should take advantage of it by asking her out during our amusement park trip.” Red said that in a surprisingly serious tone.

“A-Ask her out?!!” I felt my blood pressure rising and my head started to spin.

“We can help ya out, Red n’ I are pretty good with this, we’ll make sure to have everything planned out, so all ye hafta do is just follow our instructions, n’ confess!” Evan was also in a pretty serious mood now.

“Ok thanks!” I felt a bit relieved. This is one of the reasons why Evan and Red are my executives, they always have my back!

“By the way, you will probably have to kiss her.” Said Red right before he and Evan left.

K I S S A O I?!

I imagined the scene in my head: The warmth of her body, her fragrant smell, and her soft lips pressed against mine. My heart started beating faster and faster, and my adrenaline started pumping. Suddenly, the bottom half of my body was wet, covered in warm liquid…

FOR FUCKS SAKE! The blanket was yellow and my bandages were yellow and it smelled so bad and the…and…THE FUCK!!!!

I was beyond embarrassed, the mafia boss peeing himself. And with just my luck, Aoi noticed my panicked state and started walking towards me.

I’M SO DEAD. I’M SO DEAD…

Aoi was right at my bed, she had a concerned and surprised look on her face. My thoughts started racing so much that I couldn’t think clearly.

I just remembered, I have to apologize to Aoi for offending her earlier.

“すみませんでした!!!” (Sorry!)

“大丈夫” (It’s fine) Said Aoi. “No need to apologize for this”

“No! What I did was so senseless of me, I didn’t realize the impact that it’d have.”

“Really it’s fine, let me help you get cleaned up. Your father did kick your crotch pretty hard, so it’s not your fault you weren’t able to hold it in.”

My face got even hotter than it already was. We were talking about different things and I got this feeling of deja vu. I quickly regained some composure, which was hard to do when drenched in your own piss.

“Thanks Aoi, I think I can bathe by myself though, so you don’t have to…”

“Y-You thought I was gonna bathe with you?!” Aoi’s face probably turned as hot as mine just now.

“あーあ!” 　 (AHH!)

“I’ll get you clean clothes, change your bedding and bandages as well, you just focus on cleaning yourself.”

“ほんとにすみません！”(I’m really sorry!)

“You know, if you really can’t move around with those injuries, I guess I have no choice but to help you bathe…” Aoi’s voice wandered off. She quickly rushed away to get fresh bedding and clothes.

可愛いいいいいい!!!! (cuteeeee!!!)

I headed to the bathroom and started to undress, it took me a while since everywhere hurts all over. I had suffered broken ribs, dislocated nose, dislocated fingers, and a massive scrape all across my back. Hmm it's the last day of May now and Kishiwada Danjiri Matsuri is during mid september, my injuries should be healed before then!

After showering, I slipped into the tub that was already filled with steaming hot water. I instantly felt better as I was hugged by the warm waters. The bath was huge and was surrounded with various rocks and live tropical plants. There was even a mini waterfall, which is great for water massages. I had the bath modeled after natural hot springs.

As I sank in, I played some relaxing, comforting recordings while scrubbing my body. The soap stings.

Don’t worry, your father loves you very much, you are a strong kid

You make daddy so proud!

Times may be hard, but your father is always here for you!

These recordings make up for the father that I didn’t have, they soothe me as I picture an ideal father in my mind. It’s really embarrassing, but it’s nice to escape from reality sometimes.

Even when it doesn’t seem like it, your daddy is always thinking of you

Sometimes daddy can make stupid mistakes, but remember I always love you

You can do this! You just need a little push in the right direction!

Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face, my nose was running and I couldn’t control my bottled up emotions any longer. I cried. I wanted a father more than anything. There were times I wished my father would love me, times I wished I was born to a different family. All I want is a happy momma and a caring father! Why couldn’t I have that?

What would it be like if I didn’t kill Father? Could we have lived together happily? Would Father treat me as his son? Water kept coming down from my eyes, filling the bath with salty and regretful tears.

Don’t look so down! Here, let papa give you a large hug

I was held in a tight embrace, I cherished the warmth and welcomed it.

“There there, things have been tough” Said a voice, its strong melody filling my chest until it bursts with love.

“No one has any idea how hard it has been for me!” I cried. “I feel so guilty! Nothing but guilt and emptiness! No one understands how I feel!”

“Cry all your tears out, tell me everything bottled inside of your heart” That voice again, its melody reassures me.

“I really want a father, I really do! Why is life so unfair?!” I grabbed onto the strong yet slender shoulders that were supporting me and buried my head into the person’s chest. It was soft and warm, squishy like a pillow… I looked up from within the person’s chest to see Aoi’s face right above mine. She was crying, her tears rained down on me as she squeezed me harder, as if I would disappear if she’d let go.

I cried. I cried a cry only Aoi could hear. I cried tears that only Aoi had seen. I cried out my feelings that only Aoi had felt.

Having my feelings heard by someone, I felt lighter on my shoulders. I clung onto Aoi tightly and buried my head deeper into her chest, thinking that by doing so I can hide from this cruel world.

“Is it fine if I stay like this?” I whispered so faintly that only the ghosts could hear.

“Stay as long as you want, I’m here for you.” Aoi has no idea how cliche that sounded, but, it was just the words I needed to hear.

I dozed off, I felt tired. Tired of life. I wanted to sleep here in a peaceful and eternal rest, that way, I won’t have to worry about anything anymore. As of right now, even 86 colors won’t nearly be enough to color in my view of the world.