Sealing My Fate

For so many years I was angry at my dad for what he became after my mother passed away. The way alcohol turned him into a stupid drunk made me feel like he didn't care about us. Back then I never understood how much pain he must have felt for him to hit rock bottom like that. I guess it's true when they say you don't know what someone has been through until you walk a mile in their shoes. When I lost Ela....I felt like the little bit of hope I had left died. Losing her was my final straw that made me snap. I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I became the very thing I never wanted to be, but I was in so much pain I didn't care. I would take any drug I could if it meant I could have a break from my pain and suffering.

I skipped school. I refused to leave my room unless I was grabbing a quick snack, some water, or going to the bathroom. The only time I left the house was to get more medication. I didn't even try to talk with Neil or check on him to see how he was doing. I had no interest in things I used to love. Instead of playing video games or watching anime to distract myself from my pain the way I used to, I stayed in bed all day and let myself drown in my miserable thoughts. Even if I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head, at least the Xanax made me numb. Whatever pain I felt, it felt like I was too calm and sleepy to actually react to it when I took the Xanax...and to me, that was better than feeling the pain at full force. This went on for weeks. There was just one problem I noticed as time passed.

After a while, the effects of the Xanax didn't seem as strong. Even though I would feel calm like the medication was originally intended for, I felt more and more aware of myself and my feelings. Even if I wasn't panicking or hyperventilating, it got to a point where the medicine didn't make me feel as numb and disoriented as it used to. My body started to become tolerant to it and I hated that. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to be aware. That's when it got worse. I started taking higher doses, thinking it might fix the problem. But as you can guess, higher doses didn't fix it for long. It plunged me into a dark, repetitive cycle. A higher dose would only work temporarily before my body seemed to become used to it all over again. I wanted to remain numb, yet each time the effects wore off I found myself feeling even more broken than before I took it. It was no longer the tool I hoped it would be. I became dependent. It became an addiction. I started to become desperate...and that's when I made a very stupid decision.

I took it with alcohol.

When I read about it online. It said that alcohol often made the effects of the medication stronger. However, it also said that Xanax and alcohol should NEVER be mixed. I was so desperate, I didn't care. I didn't even try reading the warnings the sites listed. I just wanted something to work. Something to give me relief from my internal hell.

Instead of relief, I was met with more suffering.

Not long after ingesting that forbidden mixture, I noticed it was very hard to stay focused on anything. At first, I welcomed this feeling, finally feeling some relief from my emotional pain again. But then all the sudden, I felt strangely hyperaware of everything while being disconnected from it at the same time. What the fuck was I doing? Why did I feel like I had unexpectedly hit a brick wall of anxiety head-on? I started to panic internally, yet when I tried to move, I felt like I had no control or balance. I stood up from my bed, only to fall to the floor. When I tried to speak, though I knew the words I was trying to say in my head, nothing seemed to come out properly, if it came out at all. From what I could hear, it sounded like nonsense that couldn't be pieced together into coherent words. I could feel saliva dripping from my mouth, but I felt like I couldn't even properly raise my arm to wipe it off with my sleeve. Something wasn't right. It felt like my body was shutting down. I tried to yell, but I felt like I had no air in my lungs. I couldn't breathe.

Suddenly my door swung open. By some miracle, Neil must have heard me fall to the floor and ran in to check on me. I couldn't register much of what he was trying to say to me, but from what I can remember of it, he seemed to be very alarmed to find me like that. I could tell he was yelling at me in a panic, but I didn't catch any of it. The last thing I remembered before losing consciousness was him grabbing my cell phone to call for help.

When I woke up, I was back in an empty hospital room. Being back there reminded me of the night Ela died, and I felt a wave of pain rush through me. There was nothing I could do for it though. Trying to get rid of that pain is what eventually put me in the hospital in the first place. I would have to finally face my pain and deal with it head-on, whether I liked it or not. During my time at the hospital, I learned that I had been unconscious for a couple of days. They told me that I was lucky I got to the hospital when I did, because I could've died from both overdosing on Xanax while also mixing it with the alcohol. Though I should've been grateful to them, I found myself feeling miserable. I wasn't happy that they saved me. All I could think was, "Why were they able to save me, but not Ela?" I felt like I deserved death.

They told me I had what they called "survivor's guilt". Because of it, I let myself get out of control instead of seeking professional help like I should have. But I didn't want to seek help. The thought of seeking help made me feel weak. I didn't want to have to rely on anyone. It wasn't until after I went too far that I realized professional help was the only option I had left. Trying to get over an addiction isn't easy. Dealing with the weight of Sally's death, the death of my parents, and Ela's death that had piled up over the years would be difficult too. Everything in my being wanted to blame Neil for everything that happened to those I loved and everything that I had become. But I knew that was wrong. He couldn't control what happened around him, and I did this to myself. Zack warned me when we were in middle school and suggested I see a psychiatrist before it was too late. He told me I would break at some point, and that it wouldn't be pretty if I went through it alone. I should've listened to him back then, but I was too prideful. I felt like I could handle whatever happened around me. I was an idiot for believing that. I should've trusted Zack to begin with.

Despite whatever I felt though, late was always better than never. I was able to talk with a psychiatrist at the hospital, and I was able to have future appointments set up so I could see a psychiatrist after release. They would help me learn healthier ways to cope with my traumas. They told me it would take time, but I should see improvement eventually. I was a little bit skeptical at first, but agreed to it anyway because I had to. They also had me go through medical detox, because withdrawal symptoms from Xanax could also be deadly. They told me the process could last up to a month, but that I would likely be out of there within 2 weeks if everything went well. The withdrawal symptoms were excruciating. I used to think the pain and anxiety I had before my dependency on Xanax was the worst it could get, but once the withdrawal symptoms started kicking in, I felt like I opened up a whole new gate of hell. My anxiety increased and it was hard to get any sleep at night. Sometimes my head would pound so hard I felt like someone was stabbing it with a knife. I would shake, feel palpitations in my chest, and get really sweaty to the point of throwing myself into panic attacks for seemingly no reason. Sometimes I hallucinated and saw things that apparently weren't there, which made me panic so bad that I vomited a few times. I can say without any doubt that the experience I had during that time was one of the worst experiences in my life. When I look back on it, sometimes I wonder how I got through it. The medical staff really helped me out; I couldn't imagine how bad it would've been going through that experience alone.

Though it took a few weeks, I was allowed to go home in November. When I finally returned home, I decided to check on Neil, since I hadn't seen or heard from him since the day he found me on the floor. There was no reply when I knocked on his door.

Ivan: I'm opening the door, just warning you if you're in there...

When I opened the door, he wasn't inside. Though Neil never kept many material possessions because he always felt like they would be useless since he could die from a deadly situation at any time, his room was surprisingly trashed with the few items he did have. The few books he had were ripped and shredded on the floor. Multiple holes were in the wall. Pillows were on the floor and empty water bottles were scattered about. Thinking about what happened to Sally, I walked over to his window carefully to check if the glass was melted, just in case. The window was in perfect condition. I walked closer to the holes in the wall, examining them for a moment. Based on his height when he stood next to me, I concluded that he made those holes by punching the wall. This wasn't chaos caused by defense from someone else attacking him. This was the aftermath of Neil's own mental breakdown, most likely caused by his own tendency to blame himself as well. I sighed. I texted Neil, but ended up getting no response. I tried calling, but it went straight to voicemail.

I left the house, deciding to look for Neil. Based on the patterns of his behavior in the past, I assumed that he would probably be hiding somewhere in the forest. I looked for hours but I couldn't find him. It was starting to get dark outside, and the air was starting to get colder. Whether it be by luck or coincidence, eventually I found him walking by the side of the road. Even though our eyes met, I felt like I had a rock stuck in my throat. I wasn't able to say anything. What was I supposed to say?

He stared at me quietly. Though he didn't say anything either, I could see the sadness in his golden eyes. After a moment, he looked away and continued to walk past me as if he didn't see me. Unsure of what to say, I decided to follow him quietly. Usually, such silence would be relaxing, but I don't think either of us felt relaxed that night. There was a heavy, depressing mood in the air and the silence seemed to make it worse. After a very long silence, Neil stopped walking and finally spoke up.

Neil: Why didn't you tell me about the Xanax?

My voice cracked as I tried to force my reply out. I knew this talk wouldn't be an easy one, but it was probably necessary to determine the future of our friendship.

Ivan: I didn't want you to know. You already deal with your own problems...

Neil sighed and sat down on a large rock nearby. He seemed to be thinking carefully about what he wanted to say before replying. Though he appeared to be angry by his expression, he kept his voice calm.

Neil: When you caught me cutting myself a few years ago, do you remember what you said? You told me I didn't have to go through anything alone. Do you seriously think I wouldn't do the same for you if you need someone there for you?

Ivan: I just....I figured you would blame yourself for my pain because of the near-death situations. And Ela...

Neil: I'll always blame myself. But that doesn't mean I'm not here if you need someone too. All of these years you have stuck with me knowing the risks being my friend would bring. I would be the worst friend in existence if I didn't return that. Out of anyone in this world, I believe you are the most loyal and you deserve a happy life. You don't deserve the pain that comes with being my friend, yet you've stayed with me our whole lives. When your grandpa kicked me out you even followed me. You never had to do that, but you chose to. I choose to be here for you too. I may not understand what it feels like to be in love with someone and lose them the way you lost Ela and I probably never will know what it feels like, but I'm still here to listen to you and do my best to support you because you've done that for me all these years. During my darkest days when I wanted to kill myself, you tried to give me some sort of hope to hang on to. I'm still skeptical that I could ever have a normal life, but I still haven't completely ruled it out as a possibility in the distant future. I want to make sure you never lose that hope either.

I could feel my eyes burn, but the last thing I wanted to do was cry. I felt like he was over-glorifying me, making me sound like I was someone better than I actually was.

Ivan: I don't think you understand. I'm not really that loyal. I've had many thoughts of ending our friendship over the years. I've had plenty of negative thoughts about how none of these things would happen to people I care about if you weren't around anymore. I'm not the person you think I am.

Neil: I guess you're right.

I turned away, feeling ashamed of myself. I didn't want to see Neil's cold eyes glare at me with the realization of how awful I actually was. I already felt guilty enough. I tried to keep myself from crying, but a tear fell despite my efforts. Surprisingly, Neil continued to speak with a calm tone. Instead of anger though, he almost sounded...happy.

Neil: You're not the person I thought you were. You're even better.

I looked back at Neil, shocked that he would say that. I felt like he didn't hear anything I just said. Seeing my surprised expression, he explained himself.

Neil: It's foolish of me to think someone wouldn't have any second thoughts about being my friend. It's natural for people to want to be as far away from danger as they could be. Any logical person would take their friends and family as far away from danger as possible. But despite those thoughts, you still made the decision to be my friend. You chose to support me over any of the negative thoughts you may have struggled with for all these years. You are the most loyal a friend can get, and though my life is full of unlucky circumstances, I'm extremely lucky I have a friend like you. So I'll try my best to be the best friend I can be, whatever way I can...and if that means finding somewhere else to go so you can finally live the normal life you deserve, I'll go if you want.

I turned away again, thinking about what I should do. It felt unfair, to have to choose between a normal life or my best friend. For some reason, whether it be bad luck or some sort of unknown twisted fate, life didn't want us to have both options. Thinking about my life up to that point, I remembered the different signs and clues that this was not caused by luck or coincidence. Something was causing these things to happen. I remembered what Langston said when the forensic results came in for Sally's murder.

"Even though it was made top priority they couldn't find a match for the evidence that was left behind, so please understand that this is frustrating for us too."

That was devastating news..but my mother never seemed to give up. She seemed so sure of her intuition, often trying her best to comfort Neil.

"Neil..I promise we will find your mother. Wherever she is...it's not the same place as Sally. I know she is alive and you will see her again. Please trust me."

My father wasn't as understanding of my mother's feelings, but I could tell he must have known something as well.

"I don't believe it's a coincidence. That child is followed by danger and if we keep him in this house it's only a matter of time before one of us gets hurt. What about that time the bookshelf almost fell on you three? Or that time the front wheel on Neil's bike popped off when he was riding it and he had to get stitches? That wasn't an old bike. We helped Kyna buy that for his 7th birthday and it was brand new. I made sure that the bike was in top condition too. I could go on forever about this but do I need to list every single incident?"

Though Neil and I asked if she knew something important, my mom always said we weren't ready.

"This is a conversation that I'll have with you and Neil when you are older...probably when you're in high school. There's some things that you wouldn't be able to fully understand at your age right now."

Something was different about Neil and Sally and my mother knew what it was. There was something that had to be causing this. Even Officer Langston and my grandfather seemed to catch on.

"What about Sally? Did you notice anything abnormal about her?"

"That thing is not a human. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to a human. I am serious, Ivan! It's not funny! Your father had very serious talks with me-"

It seemed unlikely that anything supernatural could be happening, but there was so much that didn't make sense. There had to be some sort of big secret behind it all. Remembering the photo of Kyna that I lost in the fire, I sighed. Ela and I tried so hard to translate that Cuneiform. We had come so close. But in the end, the only part of the message I was left with was the part that was already in English.

"I'ʟʟ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ғᴏʀɢᴇᴛ."

Though I knew I didn't have any answers, there was no way any of this could be a coincidence. Remembering the day my mother died, I thought about the look in her eyes when she noticed I was holding her. She looked like she had so much she wanted to tell me in her last moments. Despite whatever happened, she always faced every challenge with strength until the day she died. I cried as I thought about the time she told my dad about her promise.

"Kyna and I made a promise to each other that her family will always be mine and mine will always be hers."

My mother died keeping that promise. She never abandoned Kyna or Neil, no matter how difficult it got. She trusted that whatever secret she knew was worth dying for. My mother was never the type to waste time or effort on things that didn't matter. I had always trusted my mother's judgment.

Ivan: After my dad died...I often obsessed about what the meaning to my life was. As you can probably guess, I was never able to actually figure it out.

I took a deep breath before turning back to look at Neil again. His eyes almost looked as if they were glowing as he continued to listen to me silently.

Ivan: Instead of trying to figure out some predetermined purpose...I decided to make a purpose for myself. I told myself that I would dedicate my life to supporting you and figuring out this mystery, even if it meant I was to die someday too, just like my mother did. Sometimes things can change over time. Obstacles are hard to overcome. Loss is hard to accept and with each loss, a part of me dies with them. People are molded and changed by their experiences and traumas. But.... there's one thing I can be sure of, no matter what happens.

Remembering my mother's sacrifice, I was confident in my decision.

Ivan: I will never abandon you. I'll go through whatever pain I must to figure out why these deadly situations happen around you..and if I have to die an early death someday, I will die with pride knowing that I did everything I could for my best friend, to my last breath.

Though it was hard to see details in the dark, it appeared that Neil was doing his best to hold back any tears. Though his voice was shaky as if he could break down at any moment, he chuckled and replied in a joking manner.

Neil: You're one crazy dumbass.

I cracked a bittersweet smile and let out a short laugh, trying to joke back to lighten the mood.

Ivan: But still a loyal one, yeah?

Neil: Yeah, definitely. Just remember though, if there's ever a time you change your mind and want to have a normal life, I respect that. But for now..It means a lot. Thank you.

It wasn't easy getting through that rough time in my life. Back then, I could never imagine that I would get through it...but somehow life finds a way. Promises aren't always easy to keep, even when the intention is in the right place. But I was determined that I would see this promise through to the end, no matter how much pain and suffering I would have to endure. Not only for my mom, Ela, Sally, and everyone else who died around Neil, but also for Neil himself. My best friend.

Nothing would stop me, not even my own fear.