Chapter Eighteen - Shame

“Senpai?” Saki’s masked head popped in the door. The sun had begun to slip toward the horizon, painting the white, antiseptic walls in hues of peach sherbet. I’d spent the day planning out my next moves. Moves I’d dubbed either ‘Operation Don Juan’, ‘Operation Romeo’, or ‘Operation Get Some Lovin’’. I wasn’t sold on any of the names, so I was vacillating wildly between them or just not naming it to begin with. The nurses had come in regularly and I’d gotten used to the interruptions, so Saki’s sudden appearance didn’t startle me.

“Ah, Saki-chan!” I smiled as best I was able through the medication the nurse had given me some time previously. My voice was croaky and not at all sultry and my throat was on fire, but I forced my way through. “What brings you here?” My head seemed to weigh quite a bit suddenly and my neck was having trouble keeping it upright.

“I brought your phone?” Saki smiled reassuringly, holding the rectangle up from the door for me to see. Oh! That’s right! She was going to bring my phone to me! My brain wasn’t functioning very well through the mist of medication I seemed to be slogging through. I smiled at her and watched as she closed the door behind her and approached.

She really did resemble a small animal, furtive and deliberate in her motions, as if at any second a predator might strike. She was also adorable. She had cute dimples when they weren’t covered by her pink mask and her body was certainly nothing to scoff at. However, was I really going to do this? Was I really going to go through with my half-baked “plan”? Did I really want to find some companionship, or did I just want some small measure of perceived revenge on Aria for making me hurt? I blinked as I realized Saki was speaking to me.

“-Mizuki was very kind,” she was finishing saying.

“Ah, so Mizuki helped get the phone?” I prompted, relatively sure that’s what she’d been saying. Saki handed the phone over and nodded.

“Yes, she told me to tell you to feel better and she misses you!”

“Pfft!” I scoffed. “She’s got meatball, she doesn’t need me.”

“Your friends all care for you a great deal, Senpai!” Saki fidgeted, seemingly not sure where to put her hands or what to do with her body as my gaze caught and held hers.

“What about you?” I did my best to purr. Her eyes grew even wider than usual, and her face not covered by her mask grew beet red. What was I doing? Was I really going to go through with it? Was I really going to use this girl, my new friend like this? Apparently, yes.

“Uh…I…” she giggled. “I mean…” She trailed off.

“You’re my friend,” I gave her my best winning smile, guilt waging war with the thrill of playing a new game I’d never dreamed I’d partake in. Of course, I knew how to play. I’d seen Jun roll the dice a thousand times. There were no rules, no depths of repugnance out of bounds. There was only the end goal of scratching some internal itch. “Do you care about me, Saki-chan?”

“I-uh…” Saki lowered her eyes and fixed her gaze on the floor, shifting nervously from foot to foot. “Yes. I mean…” She took a deep breath as if to steady herself. “I wrote you that confession note after all.”

“Huh?” I cocked my head slightly to the side. Unexpected, I thought. Most unexpected.

“Um…” Saki lowered her head before chuckling nervously. “Nothing! I mean…heh heh heh.”

“You were the one who wrote me that confession letter?” Saki tensed for a moment before nodding. Before Emi and I met up with Saki at the bookstore I don’t think I’d ever even seen her before. “You put your name down as ‘Sakura’, though.”

“Well, th-that’s my full name. Most people just call me Saki, though,” she replied with a shrug. “Thank you, by the way, for the kind letter you replied with. I-I honestly didn’t think you’d even respond.”

“I…” I was at a loss for words. I mean, what did one say to someone in this situation? ‘I’m sorry I turned you down although now I’m shamelessly trying to flirt with you.’ Ugh…I felt dirty. How did people like Jun turn off their shame impulse and continue to roll with things? The whole situation was flying off the rails, now.

“I know it was weird to write it and you probably don’t remember me at all, but I’d tried so many times to write and I could never do it. I’m grateful you wrote me back, even though the answer wasn’t what I’d hoped for,” Saki wouldn’t meet my eyes and my guilt swelled to soul-crushing heights. Like Mt. Daisen had landed squarely on my heart and was crushing it.

“Remember you?” Admittedly, it was a small school, so I’d probably bumped into her once or twice, but I rarely paid attention to my surroundings except in the most perfunctory of ways, so I’d most likely forgotten.

“Oh, I didn’t think you would,” Saki waved her hand dismissively. “It was a long time ago!” Now I was utterly confused and curious.

“No, please tell me,” I took her hands in mine without thinking. Her hands were tiny, or maybe mine were huge, but I felt her shaking. Her eyes shot toward the door, as if searching for an escape route. She stood still, however and didn’t try to flee. I wasn’t sure if I was still playing or not. That had, obviously, been my original intention, but now I wasn’t so sure.

“Well, you visited me in the hospital when I was 9,” Saki looked everywhere but at me. “I had never seen anyone as beautiful as you and I…I don’t know. I mean, we went to school together in middle school and I wanted so much to talk to you, but you were…I-I mean, I was…” She flailed around for something to say without much success. Finally, she sagged in defeat. “I just never managed it. So, when I got into high school and you were there I…I just wrote the letter.”

“I visited you in the hospital? Are you sure you have the right person?” I smiled as brightly as I could. I didn’t remember ever visiting anyone in the hospital except my grandfather when he broke his leg falling down the stairs at home.

“W-Well, not me, exactly,” she replied nervously. “You were Little Miss Tottori and were visiting the cancer ward here at the hospital. You had a silver crown on and I- “she giggled slightly at her memories. “I thought you were a princess.” I stared at her with what I imagined was a look of surprise and horror on my face. Oh my god, I thought. She saw me?

It had not been my idea to enter that stupid beauty contest. My mom had decided it would be a badge of honor for my future marriage for my husband to be married to a “beauty queen”. Honestly, though, what kind of sick bastard would take any measure of pride in fucking the former “Little Miss Tottori”? Definitely not something to bring up at the country club, in my opinion. “Oh, yeah, Toshi, my wife was a beauty queen when she was 10. Yeah, I’m tapping that every night. Ho ho ho! Pass me a sake! I’m living the high life, now!” It was repugnant but my mom’s ideas never made much sense in any sort of logical way.

At first it had been kind of fun to play dress up and parade about on stage like I was important, but I quickly grew disillusioned with the entire thing. Acting like someone I wasn’t didn’t sit right with me, so I played out my role for the year I had to and drew a firm line in the sand to never do anything of the sort again. I’d gotten my hair cut and vowed to deny it’d ever happened. My mom hadn’t spoken to me for a month after I decided not to continue but I didn’t care. With the loss of my hair, I found a freedom I never knew existed.

“Y-You remember that, huh?” Well, I thought, I’ll simply have to kill her and hide the body. That period of shame in my life could never be brought to light.

“Of course! I mean, your hair was so gorgeous, and I swore if I ever got out of the hospital and didn’t have chemo anymore, I’d grow my hair out like yours!” Saki cast her eyes down and bit her lip nervously.

“I’m sorry,” I shook my head. “Seeing me with short hair must have been a terrible shock.” So, she’d had cancer. Well, add a Mount Everest of guilt to the Mount Daisen I already had bearing down on me, I thought miserably.

“Oh! Oh, no! Your hair is very pretty!” Saki shook her head emphatically. “I like it more than your long hair! It was just…you got me through a really tough time. The chemo made me so sick I wanted to die and then you showed up and it was like the sun had come out. It was like a real princess had come to visit me and if there were princesses the world was something I wanted to be a part of still! I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, huh?”

My heart was breaking. There was no other way of putting it. I could make the excuse I didn’t know any of these things about her, but what I’d thought about doing was disgusting. This was not me. I couldn’t play with people the way Jun could. I felt the tears welling in my eyes and my chest constricted like a python had wrapped itself around my heart and lungs. Part of the feeling could be ascribed to the pneumonia, but I knew most of it was guilt.

“I-I am so, so-sorry, senpai!” Saki flailed about as the tears dripped down my cheeks. “Oh my God! What did I do? I am so sorry! Please forgive me!” She tried to pull herself from my grasp to, presumably, flee, but I held her tight.

“Will you listen to me?” I asked, holding her eyes with mine. She looked for a long moment like she wanted to run but finally nodded and sat on the bed where I gestured by patting. I told her everything. My head ached from the tears I couldn’t seem to stop from falling and my throat felt like sandpaper as I spilled everything in an often rambling, possibly even incoherent fashion. From Aria to Jun and my parents and sexuality and everything in between I burdened this young girl with everything weighing on my heart. Even my rather aborted attempt to “play the field” as it were. I told her everything and through it all she sat and listened, not moving, not speaking. I finally finished and waited.

“I’m not good at things like love,” she finally said in a soft voice. “I think Emi-senpai is right, though. I think if you feel this way for Aria-senpai you should talk to her. Tell her your feelings. I also think you should expect answers from her. Your heart shouldn’t be troubled by the actions of the person you’ve given it to. B-But that’s just my opinion and I don’t know much.”

“What about you?” I asked softly.

“What about me?” She glanced up at me and I could see the tears in the corner of her big brown doe eyes. “I love you, senpai, of course. I have for years and I probably will for years to come, but I never held any illusions. Well, not really, anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled lamely. “I’m sorry I took advantage of you and burdened you with all of this. I don’t blame you if you want nothing to do with me anymore. But I really do hope you’ll still be my friend.”

“Of course, I will!” Saki’s eyes crinkled at the corner as she smiled a sad, though encouraging smile. “Besides, I was the one who burdened you with my reckless letter to begin with. I will always be your friend, senpai! And you can always come to me!” I was more grateful than I even imagined I could be. Even if what she said wasn’t true, I still was grateful. I mean, how could it be true after everything I’d said and done? Had our positions been reversed it would have been “sayonara forever, senpai!” But she wasn’t me. She wasn’t unclean and disgusting so, maybe, she was telling the truth. I lowered my head to her hands and rested my forehead on her skin.

“Thank you,” My voice was barely a whisper anymore, my throat had reached the point of no return, I thought idly. “You might come to regret saying those things, though.”

“If it’s you, I won’t regret it, senpai,” Saki replied wistfully.

“I’m still contagious. You might want to wash your hands.”

“Yeah,” Saki chuckled. “But I don’t mind. I should get going, though. I think you have some things you need to take care of, senpai.” She slowly extricated her hands from mine and went to stand up.

“Can I hug you, Sakura-chan?” I asked. I’m not sure why, but I felt I really needed her touch. She folded me in her thin arms and held me gently, as if afraid she’d break me. I wrapped my arms around her and lay my head on her chest, listening to the sound of her breath and the beating of her heart. All of my shame and guilt drained away, carried away with the heat from Saki’s small body. I wasn’t sure when, but I drifted off to sleep at some point, drawing an ignominious close to my brief foray into and immediate red card while trying to play the field.