On that fateful night

On the day of the accident

“Are you finally finished?” Like usual Lise had waited for me to finish my lesson so we could go home together, but today was special. We were going on a little trip, and my parents had allowed me to invite Lise too.

Lise seemed a bit nervous at the prospect, so I grabbed her shoulder and said “Calm down. It’s just a weekend at the coast! You’ve been there with us before.” Lise gave me her confident smile and said “It’s not that. I have come to a decision for myself, but now I must follow through. Can we talk?”

I thought she was acting weird, but at the same time I could see she was dead serious, so I answered, “We are talking now, aren’t we?”

Lise rolled her eyes and answered, “I mean somewhere where nobody will see or hear us.”

“Then let’s go to my place. My parents won’t be home from work for at least two more hours.”

Lise started blushing heavily at those words. I wondered why she was acting so strange. But I knew her all too well. She would be stubborn and not tell me anything until we were somewhere by ourselves.

On the way home I tried starting a conversation, but Lise seemed a bit absent. Slowly, I started to get worried that something was definitely wrong. This talk was going to be serious. So, after a couple of my attempts at conversation, we were walking home together in relative silence. Luckily, I lived really close to the music academy, so about 10 minutes later we arrived at my home.

I took Lise’s coat, and we removed our shoes and went to my room. We sat down on my bed like we usually did. We often watched a movie or read some comics there. After a minute of silence, I could no longer take it, so I said “Will you finally tell me what this is about? I am going crazy with worry.”

Lise turned toward me and looked at me with uncertain eyes. It was like she wanted to read something in them, before proceeding. If I look back at this moment, I can only think about how incredibly naïve and dense I still was back then.

“Have you ever been in love?” What was that? Boys? Did she want to talk about boys? I grew nervous. I had seen other girls lose their best friends when they suddenly started chasing boys. But when did that happen? Weren’t we always together? Should I not know who this is about? However hard I tried, nobody specific came to mind.

I answered her a bit defensively, “You know everything there is to know about me. When would I have been chasing boys?”

“I don’t mean it like that. I mean has there ever been anyone you wanted to spend all your time with. Someone you miss when they aren’t with you. You skip a heartbeat when they do something for you. That kind of thing.”

“You know I only care about spending my time with you. Please tell me what you are trying to say.” I started to grow nervous. I felt like I was losing my friend to some boy that I had never met. The two of us being together had always been good enough for me. Why could it not be good enough for her?

Lise looked deep into my eyes and said, “I like you.”

“I like you too. Of course, I do. I would not be spending all my time with you if I didn’t. Why are you changing the subject?”

I wanted to know what was going on. Suddenly Lise chuckled nervously and said, “This is so typically you.”

She put herself on her knees and pushed me down her face now hovered really close to mine. My eyes focused on her lips. In an instant, I got what she was trying to say. “I’m so stupid. There is no boy.” On one hand, relief washed over me, but at the same time, I started to become nervous for a different reason.

She giggled and said, “Of course, there is no boy.” The room became completely silent after those words. For a few seconds, there was this electric tension between the two of us as we stared at each other in silence. The realization that Lise liked me like that hit me. I searched my feelings. Even though I felt a bit confused, I felt my heart beating really fast, but most of all, I felt happy. While this wild stream of thoughts rushed through me, the nerves seemed to get to Lise first and she followed up with “What is your answer? I promise I will do everything to make you happy?”

“Do you promise you will never leave me?”

“I promise.”

“Then let’s be together forever.”

I closed my eyes, and a second later I felt her lips touch mine. An explosion of heat went through my body. The electricity that had been in the air was now running through the two of us as our kisses intensified. I felt her tongue push against my lips, and I opened my mouth to let our tongues intertwine. My earlier worries were washed away. No one or nothing could come between the two of us now. We would be together forever. She promised, and I knew Lise always came through on her promises.

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Current day

“So, Lise was your girlfriend? You’re a lesbian?” Ms. Vanderstuck asked a bit surprised. I could make up from her tone that she was more talking to herself than really asking me a question.

I nodded. Even though I am not sure about the lesbian part. I only ever liked Lise. “In my eyes, Lise still is my girlfriend. After all, we promised each other that we would be together forever. Lise means the world to me. Nothing and nobody should be able to come between us. Nothing will stop me!”

I could see the worried look in Ms. Vanderstuck’s eyes at that proclamation, but before she could start one of her self-abuse -and suicide-preventing speeches, which she so often bored me with, I cut her off.

“I’ll continue my story so I can tell you the part where Lise lied to me for the first time.”

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Back to the night of the accident

“Fleure, are you girls upstairs?”

Lise immediately let go of me. I had to recover my breath a little, so I was late calling back to my mom who called in the hallway. I already heard her coming up the stairs. I quickly straightened my dress and Lise quickly rebuttoned her blouse.

Mom opened the door to my room, probably just to check if we were in yet, since I did not answer her call.

“Hey what were you girls doing? Didn’t you hear me call?”

I instantly blushed at that question. “N-nothing!”

I realized I was being way too obvious, but luckily mom wasn’t suspecting anything. After all, having Lise in my room with me happened all the time. Why would she suspect anything? She just sighed and said “Don’t tell me you haven’t started preparing. We are leaving in an hour you know. You were the one that said yesterday that you had time enough to do it today.”

I looked a bit guilty at mom, but Lise immediately took my hand and said, “We’ll do it together we will be ready before you know it.”

Mom smiled at us and said “You are lucky you have such a great friend. Now hurry up the two of you. Or we will arrive there way too late. I don’t want to sleep away the first morning of our little holiday.”

Lise and I hurried and filled my suitcase. “Don’t forget your swimsuit!” Lise said. That comment made me freeze. We had seen each other plenty of times in swimsuits, even naked, but now that she was my girlfriend it somehow felt different. I felt a little shy, so I took my most modest swimsuit out. The one I used to wear. “Hey silly! That is your old one.” Lise said. “We got those matching pretty ones a couple of weeks ago in the city center. Didn’t you say you wanted to wear matching bikinis with me at the beach?”

I acted as if that honestly slipped my mind and nervously put my new bikini in my suitcase. Mom was taking care of all toiletries, so we finished packing in 10 minutes. After that, I quickly freshened up and changed my clothes.

When we arrived back downstairs, dad was already filling the car while humming a song. He greeted us both with a kiss on the cheek and told us that we could go wait in the car if we wanted. We would be leaving as soon as mom was ready.

How typical. The one rushing us earlier was now the one everyone had to wait for.

In the end, we waited for mom for fifteen more minutes, and when she finally arrived in a rush with another bag. She said, “Sorry I remembered something I forgot at the last minute.”

I could see dad was a bit irritated by it all, but he did his best not to show it and said “Well, I am glad you’re here. Now we can finally start our weekend out!”

“Absolutely, let’s go.” While dad started the car, mom said “I still think it’s a shame that Christina could not join us.”

“Well, there is always next time. It’s not like this will be the last time we go for a weekend to the coast.”

My parents owned a holiday apartment in Blankenberge*, so we went there at least once a month. I say we, but dad often skipped due to his work. Usually, Aunt Christina joined us, but this time would be one of the rare occasions where she could not make it.

While mom and dad were making conversation while driving in the direction of the coast, Lise and I were silently sitting in the backseat holding hands. It was an intimate game of constantly changing how we grabbed each other’s fingers. This game made me remember the tension between the two of us before we started kissing. I remembered the feeling of those kisses earlier and felt like I wanted to explore those things more the first chance we were alone again, but for now our little game with our hands would have to do. While I looked sheepishly into Lise’s eyes, dad asked:

“Shall I put on some music? We still have quite a while to go.” I was surprised dad had managed to go without music for so long. I wanted to suggest something, but I noticed Lise’s eyes turn big as she threw herself at me screaming “WATCH OUT!”

All I could see were two big lights approaching before our world was turning upside down while Lise was holding me closely. I guess that was the car spinning around after the impact. When I groggily came too, I could see everything was stained with blood. I heard dad was groaning. Lise and mom weren’t moving. “Lise!” I tried to wake her up, but she did not move. “Lise, wake up!” I said with tears in my eyes. While I was trying to get Lise to respond, 2 hands pulled me off her. Dad pulled me out of the car, before returning to the car to get mom and Lise, but the second he entered the car again the car burst into a big ball of flames, and I was thrown away by the explosion. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.

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Current day

Tears were running from my cheeks.

“It’s okay to cry, just let it out.” Ms. Vanderstuck said while passing me a box of tissues.

When I got myself back together enough to speak without sobbing, I said:

“That was the first time Lise lied to me. She promised me she would make me happy. Why did she have to do something like that? It should have been me. She took my place. Even though she promised.”

“She tried to save the one she loved. Would you not have done the same in her stead?” Ms. Vanderstuck interjected.

I felt myself grow angry again.

“Dad should have been paying more attention to the road. He caused this.”

Ms. Vanderstuck looked at me worried and said “I read the reports. The car got hit by a defective truck. The way it swayed over the road, there was no way your dad could have avoided it. It was an accident without anyone to blame. An act of God as they say. You know that. The police explained it to you.

Even though I was crying just a second ago, I was furious now. Just talking about dad made me angry beyond words.

“But can’t you see Dad tore us apart. I should have been with Lise. We should have been together forever. I should have been in that car too. He took Lise away from me.”

Ms. Vanderstuck looked at me pensively before answering “The way I see it, the first thing on his mind was saving his daughter’s life. He even tried to save the others at the cost of his own life. I think that’s what any good parent would do.”

My head felt like it was bursting, suddenly I heard the death cries coming from the burning car again on repeat in my mind, even the smell of that explosion was coming back to me causing me to vomit.

“Calm down, take deep breaths. Just like I taught you.” The world slowly returned as I slowly felt myself calm down.

“Why did it have to be me? Why did I need to survive?” I said sobbingly.

“Maybe you can try approaching it from a different angle. Your life was a precious gift from Lise and your dad. They gave their lives so you could be here today.”

I looked angrily at Ms. Vanderstuck. “A gift? You call this nightmare without Lise a gift?”

“That is the way I look at it, but you will have to find your own way of life. One that you are comfortable with, embracing.”

My way of life was fixing things that were broken. Luckily, I found a way to fix this mess.

I would be reunited with Lise.

I would make her hold her promise.

We would find a way to be together forever.