Chapter 5:

Consequences

An Eden from the Ashes


Decay can be seen everywhere. People’s bodies decay as they are lowered into their graves, society decays as time and nature take its toll, and the mind decays when shown things it cannot perceive. Alicia's decay had spread to me. While her nerves decomposed my mind descended into a plane void of any rational thought. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel. The only thing I could perceive was misery.

Alicia laid there in the hospital bed, motionless. Her condition had worsened severely over the past day since she last saw her father. She would be lucky to live through the rest of the day, let alone the next few hours. All her senses had finally stopped functioning. She couldn’t see me sitting next to her bed, she couldn’t hear the occasional sniffling of my breath, and she couldn’t even feel my tears rolling down her arms as I watched in agony.

I didn’t know how to continue after this. Excuses flooded my mind in an attempt to protect me from the truth. 

‘There was no other choice’ 

‘she was already dead’. 

I had truly become a fool. I sat there looking at her. Maybe we weren’t so different. We are all just walking corpses waiting to die through circumstances we can’t control-

Her heart had stopped.

The constant, monotone beep echoed throughout the room. This can’t be happening, I told myself. Desperately I ran over to her decaying corpse and attempted to resuscitate her. There was no hope left yet I still continued. On and on to absolutely no avail. Like Alexi and the many others before him, I too couldn’t accept reality, even one crafted by my own hand. Reality laid right in front of me and I couldn’t bear to look any longer. Her death was of my creation. A lonely death beside the one who had killed you. I stepped back and looked upon what I had done. My mind descended into chaos.

‘No, I didn’t kill her, there was no other choice-’

‘Accept it Steven, you’re a murder’

‘I told you I had too’

‘You didn’t have to do anything’

‘She was a living corpse-’

‘And you took that last ounce of life from her’

Just shut up.”

‘Look at her, She died alone because of you’

‘Her father wouldn’t accept reality’

‘You didn’t give him the chance’

‘I told him the truth and he denied it’

‘You call that pathetic attempt at negotiation trying!?’

“Shut up already.”

‘If I hadn’t done this who knows how bleak the future would have become’

‘You took his daughter away over a failure’

‘There is still hope for Adam’

‘There is no hope’

‘If I give up now then there would have never been a point!’

‘You’re just like Alexi, Steven. A shell of yourself who can’t even accept the truth!’

“JUST SHUT UP!!”

My heart was racing. Sweat was beating down my face. I looked up. Without even knowing, my fist had gone straight through the screen of the heart monitor. The room was silent as glass shards fell to the ground, covered in my blood. I stepped back. The glass had pierced Alicia's skin and her blood slowly trickled out over the bed. I opened my hands, and they were covered in blood.

The next few moments passed in a blur. Doctors rushing in. Yelling. Chaos. It all felt like a distant echo. I stood there staring at my hands, and the ringing in my ears grew louder

“Steven.”

And louder.

“Steven!”

And louder.

“STEVEN!!”

My head snapped to my shoulder. Martin was standing there furious. I could see the anger on his face, no, it was more a look of disappointment. Sternly, he looked at me and said,

“We need to talk.”

After the doctors bandaged my hand, we made our way to his office in silence. Walking through the corridors felt dizzying, it was as if I was watching myself from afar. Through the mess of emotions running through my head, one thought kept returning.

‘How could I let this happen’

Once we reached his office he slammed the door closed and sat down at his desk. Plaques and awards dotted the walls of his office. He pointed at the chair opposite of him and demanded I sit down.

“I told you I didn’t want you to destroy yourself, yet here you are!”

There was nothing I could say back to him.

“Look at yourself Steven, you're a mess! If you knew you couldn’t handle it than why would you do it?”

“Answer me!-“

“Because there was no other way.” I retorted

“Then why are you angry with yourself? You know that it was the only choice so you have to accept it.”

“I can’t just accept it.”

“Why.”

“Because it’s wrong!”

Martin slumped back in his chair and clasped his hands in front of his chin.

“Steven, you have to understand that everyone eventually does something wrong. We have to cheat and play dirty to get our way, not everything can be fair in this line of work. You see these awards around my office, they come with a cost. With every victory I achieved something would have to be sacrificed. War costs lives, progress costs time, and negotiation will eventually cost your own morality. You were lucky to have been able to hold on to your morals this long, or perhaps you were just good enough to not have to sacrifice them, but ultimately that will always come to an end. When faced with insurmountable odds, we must resort to any option available. As long as the goal outweighs the cost, I believe that is righteous enough.”

“And how do I know my goal will pay off?”

“You won’t always know… and that’s why we have hope.”

“And what if there’s no hope?”

“You give up... I’ve seen too many people destroy themselves over nothing. I don’t want to see you do the same.”

Martin’s words had opened my eyes. I was chasing after a hope that had vanished long ago. Alicia had to die, and Alexi could never know. It was a dark reality, but it exists so that it will never have to happen again. The tunnel to the light would be filled with darkness, but I just had to push through. As long as the hope is visible, I can still move forward. Adam was that beacon of hope, and I couldn’t let it decay along with me. After a while of silence, Martin continued.

“Do you understand Steven? You did good in there. It is a shame that they couldn’t be saved, it truly is, but ultimately it will result in good. Just remember it isn’t your fault you had to do this. Focus on what you're trying to achieve. In your case Adam is your hope, and you must never let that hope disappear.”

From out of the darkness I began to see clearly. The future was there for me to mold, so I couldn't focus solely on the present. Sacrifices would be made but I needed to push through them. I stood up and wiped the tears from my face.

“I understand, thank you for helping me.” I concluded.

“You mustn't fall down again Steven. As I said before, the future has been put in your hands.”

I nodded my head and walked out of his office. If I could be saved, then so could the rest of humanity.

Momentie
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