Chapter 7: Feelings of Guilt, and...

Jason didn’t sleep very well that night. He tossed and turned in his bed, trying to get comfortable, but he couldn’t. He felt too guilty about what they’d done.

Why oh why had he let Moira take that book? It went against everything he’d been taught! He’d willingly broken a rule, which was the worst thing someone could do. The rules were there for all of their sakes, and he’d ignored it… why? Because Moira asked him to? He couldn’t understand what he’d been thinking.

He considered asking Ai for some pills to help him relax, but decided against it. What if she asked him why he was having difficulty getting to sleep? What would he tell her? Lying to Ai was another violation of the rules, and that would be two in one day.

Eventually, he managed to slip into a dreamless sleep. When he awoke the next morning, he was absolutely exhausted.

“What’s the matter, honey?” His mother asked him at breakfast. “You’ve barely touched your food.”

“I’m not hungry,” Jason mumbled. “I had some trouble sleeping last night…”

“Oh? Why’s that?” His father gave him a curious glance.

Again, he felt the urge to just come out and tell the truth. Explain what happened. It was what he’d been raised to do, after all, report any violation of the rules to Ai or the nearest adult, even his own violations. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. If it was just him, then absolutely he’d tell them everything! But Moira was involved too, and she’d get in trouble. Even more trouble than him, since she was the one who had the book!

Jason couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to see Moira get in trouble. This wasn’t like running in the halls or talking out of turn in class, this was a serious violation! She could get sent to the Punishment Box! Jason couldn’t let that happen. So he swallowed his guilt and just shrugged.

“Did you have a bad dream?” His mother suggested. She glanced at his father and they exchanged a strange look.

“Maybe… you had a dream you weren’t sure how to interpret?” His father offered with a smile. “Something that felt… nice, perhaps?”

Jason stared at the two of them, not sure what they were talking about. But he didn’t want to lie, so he shook his head. “No, nothing like that, I just couldn’t fall asleep for some reason.”

“Okay then!” His father grinned. “Just know that if you ever do have any strange dreams, they’re perfectly natural. If anything is confusing you, just let us know, and your mother and I will be happy to explain it!”

“That’s right,” she agreed with a nod. “Anything, even if you feel embarrassed.”

Again, he had no idea what they were talking about. So he just mumbled an agreement and tried to eat his breakfast greens. Normally his parents’ comfort was… well, comforting. But today it just made him feel even guiltier.

The guilt didn’t abate as he walked to class. He saw Skye and they exchanged greetings like normal, which came as a relief. She was usually very perceptive about changes in his demeanor, and if she caught on that he’d broken a rule she would have reported him in an instant.

Jason appreciated his Partner, and most of the time he admired her diligence and seriousness, but this wasn’t one of those times.

A familiar voice sent his heart leaping into his chest.

“Good morning, Jason! Good morning, Skye!” It was Moira! Jason turned to greet her back, and saw that she was all smiles as usual. If she felt any guilt about their little secret she was doing a great job of hiding it.

“Good morning, Moira,” Skye returned the greeting, a little surprised that she’d actually remembered. “Good morning, Andrew.”

They all finished exchanging greetings and the foursome walked to class. Moira was talking up a storm as usual, and Jason couldn’t help but stare at her bag. She said she was bringing the book for him, so how was she so calm? They were breaking the rules, she should be feeling as uncomfortable as he was!

But no, her smile was as bright as always. In fact, it looked even happier somehow. Was he really the only one bothered by this?

He shook his head, clearing away those thoughts. He had to tell the truth. Once she gave the book to him, then he’d turn it in to Ai and tell her what he’d done. He’d leave Moira out of it completely and accept the punishment himself, even if it meant being sent to the Punishment Box. It was the right thing to do.

…

Jason had to wait all day for her to finally give him the book. There were too many people around, after all. There wasn’t any chance in class for some privacy, and even though she sat next to him at lunch again, she never brought it up. It wasn’t until school let out and recreation time started that she finally came up to him and Skye as they were leaving the classroom, smiling like usual.

“Jason, Skye, may I ask you a favor?” Moira politely asked, another pleasant surprise for Skye.

“You may. What can we do for you?” She agreed.

“I had some trouble with my math assignment today. I was wondering if I could ask Jason to stay behind for a little while, to look over it with me? I would ask Andrew of course, but math isn’t his strong suit.”

“…Yes, that should be acceptable. Andrew and I will wait in the hall,” Skye agreed. She was actually smiling, to Jason’s amazement.

“Great! Thank you two for being so understanding! This should only take a second!”

Even the teacher had left the classroom at this point, leaving Jason and Moira alone. Of course, Moira hadn’t kept him here to ask math questions. Looking around quickly, she snuck the book out of her bag and slipped it into his.

“It was really long,” she whispered. “I only had a chance to get through the first five. But it’s really good! Catch up to me, and then bring it back tomorrow, okay?” Her eyes sparkled like emeralds as they stared into his, and he didn’t want to disappoint her. But there was no way they could keep passing the book back and forth like this. He was going to turn it in tonight, for sure.

A few seconds later they emerged from the classroom and greeted their Partners in the hall. Moira thanked them again and headed off with Andrew, probably to the gymnasium to join some of the others for a game of bunker ball. Jason and Skye were headed to the music room so Skye could get some practice.

Skye was remarkably more animated than usual on their walk, even if it was only a slight change. And she was gushing about Moira.

“Did you see how polite she was today? No running in the halls, no outbursts in class, nothing! I think I’ve really had an impact on her!” She proudly proclaimed. “If she keeps this up, she’ll be a model citizen of the Bunker just like you and I!”

Jason didn’t reply. The book was burning a hole in his bag.

…

The book was on his mind all through their recreation time. He barely even heard Skye’s violin. He was too busy thinking about how much trouble he was going to be in when he turned in the book and confessed.

And he kept putting it off.

“Turning in the book after recreation time” quickly turned into “turning in the book after he got home.” And “turning in the book after he got home” turned into “turning in the book after dinner”, which turned into “turning in the book in the morning.”

He knew it was the right thing to do. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was afraid. But for some reason, it wasn’t just that he was afraid of being punished. He knew he deserved to be punished for breaking the rules, that didn’t frighten him as much. But whenever he told himself he had to turn in the book, he kept seeing Moira and her twinkling eyes. Moira and her dazzling smile, her freckles glowing on her dimpled cheeks.

It was like… he was afraid of disappointing her. Afraid that she’d be upset with him if he turned in the book.

“I only had a chance to get through the first five. But it’s really good! Catch up to me, and then bring it back tomorrow, okay?”

Last night, it had been his guilt that had kept him awake. But tonight he kept hearing her words echo in his ears.

She was really looking forward to reading the rest of it. And not only that, she wanted him to read it, too.

“This’ll just be our little secret!” She’d told him. He remembered how warm he’d felt when she said that.

…

It wouldn’t hurt to read it himself, right? She’d asked him to catch up with her, he could at least do that much, right? He’d read a little, then turn in the book in the morning. Moira would understand, after all, she knew that they were doing something wrong.

He dug the book out of his backpack and turned his lights on low, flipping it open. He quickly noticed that it wasn’t like an ordinary book. When Moira had said she’d only gotten through “the first five” he thought she meant chapters. But no, the book was an anthology of short stories. Some of them were from the past time, from the Earth before the Bunker. Others went back even further than that, focusing on fantastical ancient ages with dragons and wizards. And some were from speculations of the future, stories about humans traveling to other worlds, and meeting strange creatures who lived among the stars.

The only thing they had in common was that they were all stories about romance. They were the sort of stories that would have been consigned to the Adult Vault, describing things like men and women kissing and holding hands. He could get in even more trouble for reading them!

Even so, Jason found the stories gripping. Every page brought to mind fantastical things, it seemed a waste to only read five of them…

He was so entranced by the prose he missed the tiny slip of paper that fell on his pillow. He went pale. For a second, he feared that clumsy, reckless Moira had damaged the book somehow, and he’d be held responsible. The only thing worse than stealing someone’s belongings was stealing them and then damaging them.

Thankfully, the pages were fine. The torn piece of paper must have come from somewhere else. He unfolded it, and recognized the redhead’s messy scrawl in an instant.

Heya Jason! If you’re reading this, then you got through the fifth story, right? That one’s my favorite so far! I love the part where Captain Cork fights the big space lizard then kisses the girl with green skin! I can’t wait to read the rest of the stories! I’ve NEVER had this much fun reading a book before, I wonder why I like this one so much? I really wish we could talk about the stories together, but we’d probably get in big trouble, right? But I couldn’t just keep it to myself, so I just had to write you a little note, sorry! What about you? Which story was your favorite? Make sure to bring the book back tomorrow, in fact, feel free to read ahead a little too, I’ll catch up this time! – Moira

Jason got out of bed and ran over to get his sketchbook. He began to tear out part of the page, but stopped himself halfway.

What was he doing? He was going to turn in the book in the morning, right? So why was he wasting paper on writing a note?

Moira’s little message was still in his hand. Her handwriting was atrocious as always, and the letters were crammed together so tightly at the end it was clear she’d run out of room writing it. That was just like her, not thinking ahead and writing her message BEFORE tearing it out. It even smelled like her, that familiar, faint aroma of sweat and engine grease.

He glanced back at the book, still open on the pillow. There must have been a hundred stories in there, and they’d only gotten through five. His heart ached. He knew it was wrong. He knew he had to turn the book in. But he wanted to read more. He wanted to know what the next story was about, and he wanted to talk about them with someone. And the only someone he could do that with was Moira.

Jason took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. For the second time in as many days, he decided to consciously break a rule. Well, really it was the same rule he had already broken. He knew it was wrong, but he just couldn’t help himself.

He finished tearing out the sheet, and got started on his note back to Moira.