Chapter 7:

I just want to scream

School For The Mediums


Everything was loud.

♫~I don’t want to let you go, even though I should let go~♫

I wanted to see the world before it was all over. But why did I have to go so soon? Why am I stuck here? Why? WHY?

♫~Why didn’t I say the words I want to say? Before I lost you on that fateful day~♫

I rubbed my forehead, a headache pounding in my head.

“Is it really okay for her to leave now, Nurse Chika-san?” I heard Mom ask, her voice muffled by the music from my headphones.

I glanced up over them. Mom was eagerly leaning against the hospital welcome center desk.

The nurse who had been attending to me, Nurse Chika, moved around behind the desk preparing discharge papers. She seemed to find the papers she was looking for so she sat down in a rolling chair the wheels squeaking as she did.


I heard the wheels scrape the floors.

“It’s absolutely fine!” Nurse Chika replied, looking up to Mom with a smile.

That’s a nice rack on that nurse.

“Are you sure you guys don’t want to run a few more tests or watch over her condition for another day?” Mom glued her eyes to Nurse Chika who was now preparing a pen.

“Yuna-san.” She adjusted the papers. “The doctor said she’s in perfect health. He doesn’t see a reason to keep her for another day.”

“Yes, but---.”

“—You can just sign here and she’ll be good to go.” Nurse Chika pressed the paper and pen on counter.

I’d give her a 6/10. 4 Points off for being smart and out of my league.

Mom bit her lip. Hesitantly, she told hold of the pen, eyes bouncing from the paper to the nurse. “Are you really sure?”

“I know you’re worried,” Nurse Chika said in a sing-songy voice, “but there’s nothing to worry about. Doctor said she’s fine.”

Mom fluttered her eyes. “But, what about the allergic reaction? How do I know it won’t happen again?”

“When we ran the allergy tests nothing specific came up. All I can say now is that with the Doctor’s prescription for the EpiPens, no matter what it was, you’ll be fine. People have allergies to all sorts of things and as long as you have your EpiPens for more serious reactions, you’ll be prepared.”

“Yes, but….” She lowered her voice, leaning in closer to the nurse. “Hadiza, she’s…well she’s been a little strange since the reaction---a little on edge.”

They both looked to me so I turned my gaze to the ground.

“What do you mean?” The nurse asked.

“Well, she’s been easily irritable, sleeping more than her usual amount, and….” She took a deep breath. “And she’s distant more normal. I mean, just look at her over there.”

I could feel them watching me. I was seated in the guest chair area that was right across from the welcome center kiosk desk.

I didn’t feel like I was too far from them, but clearly, they thought I was.

Inwardly sighing, I shifted in my seat and focused on looking at my sneakers.

Those are some ugly shoes. I used to have better ones.

With a firm press of my lips, I adjusted my earphones and blasted my music higher.

♫~Oh, oh, why didn’t I say the words I want to say? Before I lost you on that fateful day? Why, why, why can’t I let you go?~♫

“Plus, it’s not just that.” I heard Mom continue thinking I couldn’t hear their conversation over my music. But I could. I could hear everything, unfortunately. Their conversation, the beat of my music, and---.

---You should buy some better shoes. Those look poor.

The voices.

Click! Click! Click!

I turned the volume up the highest it could go, but I could still hear muted voices coming from all sources.

♫~Why, why, why can’t I let you go?~♫

“Also,” Mom continued, “I noticed that she’s started wearing those earphones all the time. She didn’t do that before. In fact, a lot of her behavior has been a little abnormal lately. Yesterday night I caught her muttering to herself. She was saying things like ‘shut up’ ‘be quiet’ ‘just stop’. I thought she was watching some TV show, but no, she was just muttering. That can’t be normal, right?”

♫~It’s not normal to hold onto you. But I don’t wanna lose it, what we had was true, ooh oh~♫

“Yuna-san, I understand your concern, I do. Sometimes when people have experiences like what your daughter went through, they have changes in their personality. Especially considering the tragedy she went through before; I think it’s completely plausible that she’s experiencing some inner emotional turmoil.”

“Well then what I do to help her? She’s my daughter. I just want her to live a normal and happy life. All things these that have happened…?” Her voice trailed into a low sob. “It’s just not fair to her.”

Frowning, I peeked up from shoes to them. Finally, their eyes were off me and onto to each other.

Mom looked so worried and concerned. Why do I do this to her? She has that look in her eye when she’s around me. It’s gaze that almost screams that I’m ripping her heart out of her chest over and over.

It seems like I everything I do hurts her.

I remind her of losing Aoko. I remind her of given up dreams. I remind her of all the painful things no should be reminded of.

“It’s really not fair to her.” Mom was holding back tears. “It’s not.”

She’s wrong. What’s not fair is how I make her worry about me. I’m not even good at pretending to be normal.

In fact, I’m not good at anything.

♫~Why can’t I just let it be? Why am I so poor at---Do you hear me? Does anybody hear me? Can somebody please hear me? Just listen to me! I don’t deserve this! I DON’T DESERVE IT!

Except, hearing things. Hearing loud, very strange things.

I winced, doing my best to stay calm as another voice intruded into my head.

“I absolutely understand how you feel, Yuna-san.” Their conversation continued in the background. “Listen, how about this? I know a psychologist. I was really good friends with her with back in school.”



“Yes, and trust me, she’s amazing. She was actually just in the news, because she’s pretty renowned and well known. Normally she doesn’t do therapy appointments or consultations, but if I ring her up, I think I should be able to get session in with her for you.”

No, no, no.

“I-I don’t know Chika-san. A psychologist…? That’s pretty serious. I mean, my daughter’s not crazy. Besides, I don’t know what the people around us would say if she’s receiving that sort of treatment. They would say she’s…well you know.” Mom glanced around as if she were hoping no one saw.

No way.

I blinked hard. I wanted to curl into a ball and shrink. This couldn’t be the direction their conversation was going.

“And not to mention after the accident,” Mom said. “She already drew a few eyes when I had to take her in, after she….”

She didn’t need to finish before the guilt struck me.

“Yuna-san, I understand your fears. All of them. But listen, it’s completely confidential and quiet. No one has to know.”

Mom seemed to debate it for a moment. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. Girls her age go through a lot, and sometimes as a parent you don’t know what to do. That’s where we come in. There are trained professionals to help and support her. All you have to do is let us.”


It hurt more than I thought it could when she agreed.

“What’s the psychologist’s name?”

“Dr. Rina Satori. You can search her up right now on the phone if you want.”

I pulled my eyes away from them.

Great. A psychologist. That’s exactly what I need when I’m hearing---



As if I need someone to sit there and tell me I’m crazy for imagining that I’m hearing things.

I’m not crazy.

Nor am I really hearing voices come in and out.

It’s all just in my head.

That’s all it is.

I’m just imagining things, and it’s all just in my head---“NO NO NO! I SAID I DON’T WANNA GO!”

I gripped my fists, a loud powerful piercing shout drilled into me. It interrupted my thoughts as if someone slammed a hammer into my skull.

“Oh, come on….” I spat under my breath.

I can’t even think straight.

Click! Click! Click!

I rammed my thumb against my phone volume button, clicking and clicking it.

♫~Oh, oh, why didn’t I say the words I want to say? Before I lost you on that fateful day? Why, why, why can’t I let you go?~♫

♫~Oh, oh, why didn’t I say the words I want to say? Before I lost you on that fateful day? Why, why, why can’t I let you go?~♫

Click! Click! Click!

I was still clicking. I knew the sound wouldn’t go any louder, but I wanted to imagine it did. Imagine that it could block out all of the---“NO! NO! LET GO OF ME! LET GO OF ME NOW!”

I exhaled sharply.


Covering my ears, I hunched over leaning into myself.

Why don’t these voices ever know when to shut up?



I pulled my hands away from ears and took my earphones out.

“Sir, please just calm down!” I heard a panicked woman plead.

“NO! NO! NO!”

That voice was familiar, and absolutely wasn’t just a voice in my head.

I turned in my seat. In the hospital lobby there was Fuji-san. And, god, he was in worse condition than I last saw him.

His clothes were gone and he was completely naked. The only thing he was wearing were those dirty shoes. His face looked tired and haggard, red, and sweaty. His hair looked spiked, pointing in every direction.

“I SAID LET GO OF ME!” He bellowed like a roaring lion.

I’m sure everyone in the hospital lobby was staring at him. There was no way he could be ignored. He was naked, and causing a commotion. A crowd of people surrounded him, and nurses were trying to calm him. But to all of their attempts, pleads, and advances, he pushed, kicked, and flighted.


“Sir, calm down! We are just trying to help you!” A nurse desperately cried.

“I told you this guy was out of his mind! I just found him in the street like this! He was causing everyone trouble!” A tall man was holding Fuji-san’s arms back to stop him from attacking anyone.

“LET GO! LET GO OF ME!” His shouts were getting louder, so loud it was making my headache intensify.

Look at that man. He’s got a Johnny. A tiny little johnny! Tiny wrinkly Jonny! Tiny wrinkly Jonny! Tiny wrinkly Jonny!

I clenched my teeth. “Please shut up.”


I focused my attention back to Fuji-san.

“Tranquilizer ready?”

“Yes!” One of the struggling nurses brought out a syringe. It seemed to make Fuji-san even more angry as he kicked his feet around.


“This is only going to sting just a little bit, sir!”

“NO! NO! YUUKO---.” He stopped. They rammed him hard with the syringe. Suddenly, his strength and aggression shrunk, his movements turned slow to molasses.

As soon as he weakened, they took a hold of him like hawks swooping down on prey. The men clutched and pulled him, while the nurses lead them away.

“Alright, let’s take him in this way!” One of the nurses gestured.

I always felt bad for Fuji-san. It wasn’t like he was a bad person. He didn’t deserve this. He was normal before, and somewhere along the way he just…I don’t know.

Is crazy even the word? Because what’s happening to him…isn’t that kinda similar to what’s happening to me?

I’m not so normaaal, baby. I’m just a popstarr, babyy. Not your average girl, I sing and feel the worlddd is miness, even when the starss don’t shine downnn upon mee~! I wanted to be something specialll, so I decided to be a starrr~!

Oh, I loved that song.

I wanted to be a singer. Before, y’know?

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything more.

I don’t know why these voices are speaking in my head, or where they’re coming from. I don’t even know what’s crazy anymore because if Fuji-san is crazy, then what am I?

“We’ll get him a IV drip. Does he have any family?” The crowd of nurses and men were coming my way, carrying the dazed Fuji-san.

“Not that I know of. I just found the guy walking around naked. I was going to call the police, but the hospital was here so I figured.”

“…Yuuko,” Fuji-san sputtered, his head bobbing around in circular motions.

That was when our eyes met.

For what seemed like the longest moment in my life, Fuji-san peered at me, our pupils to pupils, and muttered, “You hear it too, don’t you?”

Just as he said that, he turned cross-eyed to the hospital ceilings. “You-you all hear it and know!” He stared blankly, raising his voice. “You all know! You all know they are living! They are not dead! They are living and they will be heard! Yuuko! Tell them!” He weakly shouted, blubbering out words. “You all know!”

“He’s getting riled up again. Let get another shot in him!”

“You all know! Yuuko will show you! She will!” He was dragging his feet and slurring his words, but his shouts still carried.

“Hadiza.” I felt something touch my arm.

“Huh?” I briefly pulled my eyes from Fuji-san.

Mom was standing in front of me, shooting worried glances at Fuji-san. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

“Y-You…you all know! Yuuko she-she, will show you!”

I glanced back over to Fuji-san as they pulled him further into the hospital.

“They…they are living! Living not dead!”

“Hadiza?” Mom softly said again.

Living…not dead?

What could that mean?

No, no. What am I thinking?

Fuji-san is crazy, and me? I’m not crazy.

“Yeah, let’s go home.” I stood up from my seat and looked one last time at the hysterical Fuji-san.

“Living! They are living!” he shrieked, even as they stabbed him again with another syringe.

I can’t be crazy like Fuji-san. 

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