Canto VII: Sapere Aude!

"NEW GIRL, GOBI! FIGHT ME, GOBI!" Imperator was as lively and full of fight as ever.

"By Hammurabi’s beard, a new friend! Hello hello hello! Why is your name so weird?! Do you enjoy baths!?" Godofreda was excited to see a new person settle into the household.

"Haaah, is your name really Voytek D'Hol Tincrown? What a pain it must be to be so popular. Your harem is growing a bit too much, Oli-Oli. Do you have no shame?" Fetail didn’t miss the chance to make a snarky comment, she didn’t.

"Princess… You are truly remarkable." Gladstone was impressed at how many people she’d managed to wrap around her finger.

After a week at the lodge, Olivia left Regina behind and returned home on a clear morning. Regina would visit them when she could, but she didn’t know when she'd be able to. Of course, Voytek left with Olivia, and while she unpacked her bags, everyone else swarmed Voytek in the living room to ask her all sorts of questions.

"What a lively court she has. We are glad to be surrounded by such good fellows here, but we do miss Zarambria…" Her expression clouded over, and she sat down on the couch. She clapped once and her crown, eyepatch, mantle, wings, rings and other accessories like her horns disappeared. She looked like a normal girl, except for her elven ears and her purple bizarre eyes with a spiky Coptic cross in each eye: Those were her pupils.

"Zarambria would have liked us to act a bit more relaxed when in private. So it shall be: We shall not display our true form unless we are outside. You need not to address us formally. Call us whatever you feel like calling us." That was a smart idea: For many humans and some Magical Girls, wearing their accessories all day was cumbersome, so they willed some of them out of existence or took them off. But others considered them integral and never removed them.

"Tinny it is, gobi! Fight me, gobi!’’

"Aw yeah, Holly sounds good!"

"I’ll call you Voy, then. Haaaa. What a pain, yare yare."

As expected, she got hugged and sniffed by Godofreda, slapped around by Fetail’s gooey tails, and had to wrestle Imperator off her. Gladstone apologised to her, and

Olivia came back with a few souvenirs from her trip, like chocolate bars and some muffins made by Regina. Of course, they all had many questions, so they asked away for what appeared to be an hour or so. She answered all of them truthfully and honestly, as she could not do otherwise: That was her ability, which acted more like a curse.

As they all prepared to start the tasks each one had for the day, Fetail sauntered over to a corner of the room and started having a conversation with something in a corner. Strangely, nobody could understand what was being said. It was as if their brains weren’t processing the information they were receiving.

After ten minutes, she turned around and looked at her friends, a confused expression on her face: ‘’That was certainly something... Good grief, this is going to be a problem. What a pain, I just want to laze around and not have to deal with this. I don’t even know if Olivia or the rest of our little group will be able to fix this. But it looks like they can’t see it. Bloody Hell, I’m going to have to do this myself. Sic Semper Tyrannis. Those who will make me work can go eat a fat pile of rocks!’’

Fetail stamped her shoes against the ground, clearly in a bad mood. She walked to the door leading to the hallway. ‘’Carcabuey Protection Squadron, there’s something going on, and much to my chagrin, it appears that I have been chosen to deal with it. Such is the life of the one who embodies the future. Haaaaah, what an utter pain. I’d like to explain it, but even I don’t fully understand. I’ll be back soon, but don’t expect me to be back by lunchtime. I’m off to save the world.’’ The irritated fox girl willed her gas mask, or Gask as she called it, into existence, and swallowed a mercury pill from within.

Before anyone could say or do anything, she’d already left the house… Or so everyone thought! In fact, she’d faked everything: There was no world-threatening danger, and there had been nothing in the corner. She’d even used a creation from Chicxulub Singularity, which she’d hidden in her jacket, to disrupt their understanding of her words, which had in fact been lyrics for a French song about onions she’d found on the Internet. The device had vapourized itself shortly after that.

The irritation she’d expressed and felt was genuine, but she’d self-suggested herself into it: She’d merely thought about being forced to work hard, and she’d managed to fool herself!

Before arriving at the door, she tapped one of the walls near it, and one of her hiveminds dropped from the ceiling, having dispelled its optical camouflage.

Her hiveminds, unlike the rest of Chicxulub Singularity’s creations, were rather stable and didn’t melt within minutes: They’d last for as long as Fetail wanted them to last. They occasionally exploded into pieces or went bonkers and had to be put down, but that was stable for her. There were other problems, though, and they permeated her Magic…

But back to the subject at hand: Imperator had, after obtaining permission from Olivia, found and destroyed most of them. They had weak combat abilities: Just like the real Fetail. That was why Imperator had hunted them down. But even she couldn’t get all of them!

Fetail-2 already knew what she had to do, so she exited the building at the same time Fetail snuck into the garage: Now nobody would know of her plan.

She chuckled to herself and thought Suck it, normies! I am a genius!

She closed the window which had popped out in front of her, which displayed Fetail-2’s video feed and general information, like if she was damaged or not. The 9 remaining Fetails were hidden as rocks, underground or hiding in empty houses.

Fetail turned so that her back would aim towards the garage’s metal door, and then walked to the left until she reached Godofreda’s lab. A few steps away from there, there was another room, which was mostly used to sew clothes, and had many drawers and wardrobes embedded in its walls. To her right was a storage room, and in the centre of the garage stood a black car.

But her objective wasn’t as obvious. No, her destination was a well-kept secret. She stretched a bit, her tails and ears quivering gently, and the lazy fox used her tails to climb up the wall like a spider, reaching a sideways wooden door above the lab: It was an unused storage room, but she’d turned it into her secret base. With her pale hands, she pulled it open, and tossed herself into the open space. The door gently closed itself, and she smiled smugly. ‘’Like a salaryman tricking his family into thinking he hasn’t been fired by going every day to the park, I have fooled them!’’

But it was no ordinary base: No no no, it was far, far more than that: It was that, her getaway. The space inside was empty, except for a trapdoor in a corner, which had a smart lock on it: She punched a code into it, and it opened: This was her proudest creation, a door to a parallel universe! ‘’Let’s go laze around for a good while!’’ She stuck her body inside, and the door closed. She spent a few moments in darkness, and then she could feel herself touch the ground.

Fetail looked around, her eyes adjusting to her bright surroundings. ‘’Haaah, I’m back. Free from the chains of duty, again. I could spend years here and they would’’t notice my absence, only minutes would have passed. I am a genius; A bright, blooming flower of a maiden!’’ She’d been visiting this place twice a week ever since she created the time-space hole, shortly after arriving in Carcabuey. She looked rather pleased with the state of her surroundings: A small forest in front of her, a hilly plain behind her. And not a trace of civilization anywhere near her. ‘’A primal playground, all for good old me. Perhaps I’ll find something related to immortality here.’’

She’d been scouting the area and making little trips here and there, but this was her first serious trip. Fetail’s ears twitched in response to a distant noise, and she went in its direction, beyond the plains. ‘’Is that the sea I hear? It is, it is. I brought my swimming gear along just in case. Now I can slack off properly.’’ So far, including her previous trips, she’d passed through a mountainous area, crossed a forest and ended up in the plains. Now she had to face the sea.

She passed by the skeleton of what appeared to be a whale, and stopped at the end of the plains, which ended in a steep cliff. A wide grin appeared on her face at the sight of what she had been expecting: A big beach and a clear sea. ‘’Time for a beach episode. Man, being free from the chains of work is a great thing, isn’t it? I’ll have to finish my manifesto one day, so I can get more people to stop bothering me. But it could also become a pain to deal with, and it’s also a pain to work on it. Hmmm… I’ll treat it like immortality: A goal to strive for while lazing around and slacking off. Anyways, time to go for a dip!’’ She leapt from the cliff and aimed for the water, but due to a miscalculation she ended up hitting the sand and filling her mouth with it. "Haaaaah, it tastes gross. This is how working tastes, I say!’’

She ended up covered in sand due to the huge cloud she’d raised on impact, and she decided to swim it off. But before that, she willed her accessories and clothes out of existence: Her knitted hat, her gas mask, her Christmas mittens and her snowflake wand. She even removed her leg warmers. However, she kept her rescue buoy in her hands, and her metal cherry blossom ornament on her forehead. And after removing her soccer shorts, her shoes and her turtleneck parka, she laid them down on the sand as a makeshift towel. Thus she was down to her navy blue bikini. It looked good on her (rather underdeveloped) slender frame.

‘’Haaaaah. The less stress I build up, the less I’ll end up on fire or turning into jelly. Thank you, Da Vinci: It is thanks to you that I managed to make this. I am still a genius, though." She looked around and then at herself.

"I definitely wouldn't want Godofreda or Voytek here…’’ Not everyone in her household was as underdeveloped as she was: Imperator was the worst one off, followed by Olivia and then Fetail herself. After that came Hadrinyan, Voytek and finally Godofreda, who was the most developed one. But talking or even thinking about these things made Fetail want to swallow a river of mercury. She opened a window, wrote her tier list, and then consigned it to oblivion.

"It's still spring in my life. Winter will come one day, but not if I can help it. It will mean I will have to watch everyone else go before me, though… What a pain, haaah. 'Tis the fate of a maiden to bloom brightly and then fade away, but not mine! I shall shine forever!"

The lazy fox girl pointed at the sea and said: "I don't feel like working! Not today, not ever! Those who will make me work can go eat a fat pile of rocks!" After that, she ran up to the sea and stuck her left foot inside. "It's a bit cold, but I can deal with it." Fetail waded into the water until it reached her waist, and then flopped on her back, staring at the sky.

She hugged her rescue buoy and let out a long sigh: "I needed this. Godofreda has been getting too chummy with me lately. Dammit, girl. Don't get me wrapped up in your emotional confusion. I don't dislike her, and she's a really good girl, but I really don't want to get involved with anything even remotely romantic. Olivia has been acting happier since she returned from her trip, though. It is good to see that, my long-suffering supervisee. Meanwhile, Imperator has been taking stalking classes from Almudena, to my horror. Don't come after me, please. And worst of all, a new headache has shown up: Voytek. Haaaah, what an utter pain. Front now on, the bath is going to get pretty cramped, I see. Good grief."

One of her tails anchored her to the sandy sea bottom so she wouldn't drift off. "If this were a manga or a videogame, the rest of the Carcabuey Protection Squadron would be here, to the delight of a primarily male audience. But too bad, it's just good old me! I'm sure some would complain about seeing a generic white-haired fox girl in their precious beach episode. My answer to that is Dip your feet in cement and go take a swim. Now!"

She gave the middle finger to the sky. "Those fox girls are the product of some fat dude's fetish. Don't lump me in with them! I'm sure those generic wish-fulfilment characters don't have their extremities turned into jelly the moment they feel stressed. I'm sure they won't explode into flames almost at random, and they sure as hell haven't got a sixth sense for petrol stations. Have they ever been suspected of terrorism for spontaneously combusting at one? I think not."

The fox girl laughed at her own words. "Haaaah. Honestly, the things I end up saying sometimes… It's all in good faith, for the most part." A few minutes passed, and she grew bored of splashing about in the water. So she went back to the shore and started making sand castles. But Fetail grew bored of that too. "There is nobody to oppress me here, but there is also little to entertain myself with. I guess I'll look for something interesting, haaaah."

She willed the clothes she had laid out on the sand out of existence, and went on to explore in her bikini while carrying the buoy under her right arm. "It's getting hotter, and I don't want to end up all sweaty. Besides, it'd be a waste to consign my bikini to oblivion now: I look great in it."

Fetail hopped along the shore, eyes and ears peeled for anything interesting. "I haven’t seen a lot of wildlife around. Just some birds, a bunch of sheep and a few llamas. And the whale's skeleton too. I wonder how it got there. Haaah, thinking is a pain at times. Rest is peace, work is slavery, laziness is strength. Ah, I wish I could find a good petrol station around here. Haaah."

Fetail considered switching to Zoya for a moment, but decided against it. "I shouldn't, I shouldn't: I'm much cuter in this form, and switching to my other form would probably have some bizarre and nasty effect on me. It's payback for having such a strong superpower. Good grief, Clockwise Fetail, you're a big mess. But along with Olivia, we're the only sane ones in our household. May it stay that way."

Fetail stopped in front of a cave in the cliffside and peeked inside. "I could go explore the cave, but I don't feel like it."

So she turned around and kicked her buoy into the sky, where it vanished. She pointed her middle finger at the sky, again and spoke after pointing her wand at the heavens: "OI, CHI! WAKE UP, CAZZO! You stupid rock, I need you to cause a Singularity in the sea near me. Yes, I want you to make me a nuclear-powered surf board or something like that. Maybe an antimatter-driven boat, if you don't feel like making a surfboard. So drop wherever you feel like dropping. I'll see you around, then. Chicxulub Singularity !" Every time she used her power, she had to argue with the meteor she dropped and bully or threaten it into obeying. So Fetail couldn't use it in quick succession.

A bright, metallic meteor dropped from the sky and crashed into the sea, turning the water it touched into a mercury-like substance which swirled and morphed over and over until it turned into a floating, rocket-powered children's tricycle. Fetail simply stared at it as the meteor vanished into thin air: She could only use one at a time, because it was the same meteor every time. It simply went back to its initial position when it felt like it.

"Haaah. Chi, why must you be this way?" As payback for Fetail's rudeness, the meteor had given her a rocket tricycle and not a cool vehicle like she'd asked: Technological singularity was beyond humanity's understanding, so Chi used that vagueness to screw around. The fox girl leapt onto her vehicle and slapped the rocket booster to activate it… Which promptly made it explode, destroyed her vehicle and blasted her into the sky. "What a paaain. I keep underestimating how unstable my Magic is: And it's all Chi's fault. Screw you, Chi: I know you did it on purpose." The stress and shame got to her, and she burst into flames after her arms and legs turned into gooey jelly. Of course, being a Magical Girl, the rocket's explosion didn't hurt her at all

Fetail huffed as she flew over the sea and over many small islands. At some points, her rescue buoy had returned to her . "Perhaps I'm not actually a genius. Or maybe I am, and I've simply been strapped with a power which sounds cool on paper, but brings more problems than it solves. Yes, that must be it! I am a genius who…" The fox girl then had a revelation. "Oh. Never mind, I am an utter idiot."

Just as those words left her mouth, she crashed into what lay at the other side of the sea: A Mediterranean-looking forest. Spitting out the bark of the trees she'd ploughed through, the bikini-wearing Magical Girl vocalised her thoughts: "Whoops, I could've just used my Magic to make myself immortal! Surely, nothing bad will happen to me if I get hit by a magical rock with a penchant for screwing me over. Time to become immortal☆!"

With an expression which one could only call deranged, she raised her arms, which had gone back to normal, to the sky and tossed her buoy as hard as hard as she could. The force of the throw fixed her gooey legs and put out the remaining flames on her body. ‘’Wait wait wait. Won’t it kill me? Nah, it won’t. Eternal life, give it to me!’’

Like a silver arrow, a fist-sized meteor streaked through the air and impacted into her ribcage. A multitude of emotions passed through her face: First confusion, then anger, followed by sadness and then, as a bright light enveloped her, understanding. The meteor fell to the ground and vanished: It had not harmed her in the slightest, neither had it granted her immortality. But it had done something to her.

‘’I understand, I understand… It’s time to go home.’’ With a look of utter peace on her face, and her ears twitching about, Fetail returned home by drawing a square in the air with her buoy, which had returned after the meteor vanished. Her trip had ended there, but things were just getting started. She fell on her rear, her accessories and clothes having returned to her body on the short trip back.

Fetail hopped out of her secret base, exited the garage and made her way back to the living room, where Olivia had switched to Hadrinyan and everyone was preparing for combat. Of course they were: Mere instants after seeing Fetail’s hivemind exit the building, they felt an overwhelming presence emerging from the garage.

The now enlightened fox girl raised her right arm into the air and waved at them.

‘’I’m back, girls. I’ve seen some stuff.’’ She walked past them and sat down on the couch, staring at the dark TV. ‘’I have seen everything that is, ever was, and ever will be. I’m doing my best not to go mad, explode or let something terrible escape right now: There are things that should remain unknown, and a weak Magical Girl like me can’t handle this amount of information… The number of beings in the universe which can hold this amount of information is 107, in fact. And only one of them is nearby. Godofreda, please use your neutralizer on me. No ifs or buts, please. And set its potency to Sealing Mode, if you will. It should last for a good while, a few weeks."

Godofreda rushed to her lab while everyone else crowded around Fetail.

‘’What have you done this time, you dumb fox!? I am very worried about you! Don't you die on me, you dummy! I won't forgive you if you do!’’ Hadrinyan was on the verge of tears.

‘’Heheh, I got you to be honest, dumb cat maid. I win this time: Hitting myself with my own magic was worth it. But I already knew you’d say it, so it’s not as fun.’’

‘’Our court wizard happened upon a forbidden volume and ended up turning into a monstrosity and escaping into the sea, never to be seen again. We hope it won't happen to you, good comrade.’’ Voytek was clearly very confused and very worried, but managed to compose herself by remembering that it wasn’t the first time things like these happened around her.

‘’It won’t: I’ve seen how it shall go. So trust me: Everything will be fine.’’

Imperator hugged Fetail and sobbed into the fox girl’s coat, who patted her rabbit ears. ‘’Please don’t blow up, gobi! You’re our only friend, gobi! We are sorry for bullying you, gobi!’’

Fetail smiled and rubbed her ears. ‘’Look at you, my dearest friend and beloved comrade: You’re crying. Deep inside, you’re a big crybaby, Marga. But fear not: Everything will be ok. At least, in your lifetime. I am allowed to say this: You shall become a great figure in the world of gastronomy. So cheer that face up, girl.’’

Godofreda burst through the door holding what appeared to be a leaf-blower with a box for curse tablets on one end. ‘’Here goes nothing! Work, please, work! I don’t want to lose you, Fetail! I-’’

A loud bang drowned out her voice, and a bright purple light surrounded Fetail, who raised her left palm: ‘’And there were no secrets, for all the universe was laid out in front of her. Thus, Zoya wept.’’ Tears flowed from Fetail’s eyes, and they stood not in the presence of Fetail, but of Zoya Pasternak.

She had seen that nothing would happen to her even if she switched forms, and she was at peace before transforming. Zoya yawned and looked around. ‘’Huh? Good morning."

She didn't look too different from her transformed form. But her hair was an almost obnoxious bright yellow, like her eyes. And of course, she had no fox ears or gooey tails. Zoya was sporting a dark grey t-shirt with a black hem, and soccer shorts which followed the same colour scheme. And instead of her wooden geta shoes, she wore grey sneakers.

Zoya looked rather confused at the amount of people surrounding her.

"How vexing! I can vaguely recall these people's identities, but my memories of them are exceedingly vague. Haaah, what a pain. Just what did I do in my Magical Girl Form? I know it was sealed away for some reason, but I can't remember it properly. Having to fish for memories is a pain, haaah. Very well, I will have to introduce myself. I am Zoya Pasternak, Clockwise Fetail's human form. We're pretty similar in terms of laziness, but she is a potty-mouthed, reckless idiot and I am not."

The girl got up and gave a light bow towards the rest of the group. "Trying to recall what I saw through Fetail's eyes feels like trying to stick my head in a bucket of water. And I spent a good chunk of my time in that form, so that's going to be a pain. She can recall things with no problems at all, which I cannot do. You'll have to fill me in, then. What a pain that is being a Magical Girl! Haaaah."

Imperator leapt at Zoya and gave her a tight hug. "Never do that again, gobi! You're my only friend, and I swear I'll become stronger to protect you, gobi! I'll become your sword and shield, gobi!"

Zoya was surprised and confused for a moment, but then remembered something important. "I remember you the most, of course I do. You're Margarida's Magical Girl Form, Imperator Harenae! I wouldn't forget my bestie, even in this situation. I'm back, Marga. I'm back."

Voytek retreated to her house's main bedroom, being reminded of Zarambria, and went there to mourn her. "We shall leave for a moment. Excuse us, we have something we must do." She said that before leaving.

Hadrinyan and Godofreda sat down a good distance away from the old pair of friends, who were reminiscing about the old days… Even though those old days weren't that old. Imperator also told her about the identities of her friends, which Zoya could not recall properly.

They spent about 30 minutes chatting away, and then Zoya got up from the couch. "How exactly did this happen? I'd sure love to know what dumb thing I did to end up like this. The chains of idiocy are almost as strong as the chains of work, haaaah."

Hadrinyan walked up to her and poked her cheeks. "You dropped a meteor on yourself to become immortal. How dumb can you get?"

"You became all-seeing instead of immortal, gobi! How dumb, gobi!"

"Yes, yes! You forced me to use an experimental sealing device on you, you dumb girl! I was so worried!"

And of course, the three girls ended up hugging her. "Haaah. Fetail, you massive idiot. You almost destroyed yourself, and almost lost these wonderful friends of yours. Life is so short… I aspire to better things than you, Clockwise Fetail. But unlike you, dumb fox, I won't lose. So watch me. Haaah, what a pain that is dealing with Magical Girls! What a pain that is merely existing on the same plain as them!"

                                                                      ☆☆☆