A Daydream

Why am I walking at such an excruciating pace? I caught my breath as trickles of sweat made their way to my lips. My own sighs filled my ears as I kept on running, and running, and running. Was Shibuya always like this? I don’t quite remember. Someone was chasing me– I am quite sure of it. Did they stop?

Where am I going anyway?

What was I doing again?

I was running away. From what? From something– no, I am turning my back on something. From what? I don’t know. I don’t know, but someone was chasing me, I’m quite sure of it.

Suddenly, the clock makes a sonorous war cry.

The kind that separates the mundane reality from the lucid dreams like they were the Red Sea. It wasn’t the best feeling but the liminal line between my dreams and reality were somehow twisted with force and I woke up seeing circles and halos.

7:00 AM

What a weird dream.

I woke up in a cold sweat, must’ve been from that dream earlier. It felt so real, if someone told me multiple worldlines exist, I would have told the me on that world to stop running at 7 AM in the morning like that. You’re sleep deprived and you know it.

The morning sun hue as seen from my room knows no change, always that same unsaturated tinge of orange. This scenery has been with me since I was a kid– yet I haven’t associated it with any memories aside from the nagging of my mom and the suburban dreams I often fall asleep to.

If they say Aprils are when we start anew and spring is the time when the winds of change tickle our cheeks, then that must’ve explained the dream I got earlier, does it? Not entirely, I guess, but someone was chasing me and it felt like I have always known her from somewhere before, it felt like I have spent about my lifetime with her. I guess she stopped chasing me halfway, and everything must have changed from then. My pursuer– she must be tired.

But running away could mean escapism. Was I really escaping from something?

Oh.

It was back then.

There were three of us. When did nostalgia sound so noisy yet so soothing? All I heard was laughter, and all I could see were happy faces. All I felt was happiness, and the warmth of the ice-cold December.

Memories flashed before my eyes like a film and I was left alone in a cinema, gazing at the stars– gazing at the past, watching the good old days unfold and shine in the night sky. The past three years of my life felt like bubbles of core memories, lots of them. The view was star-spangled and sequined with tears, but it was also adorned with the flavors of youth. People arranging chairs and holding lunchboxes, girls laughing their asses off, I saw sights of plain pleasure and pain and the color of innocence. All I saw was a girl having the time of her life, and she looked beautiful as she smiled. The smile plastered on her face–I knew the sight all too well, after all, that was me, but I forgot how smiling felt. Could I possibly do that again?

There was nothing much to see, actually. But there was something warm to feel, and it was something that covered my heart with my favorite blanket. I wanted to stay here forever.

But you ran away, remember?

I did.

Why was I running away?

Ah. That face– were you the one chasing me? If our laughter were the soundtrack of my youth, then your smile was a painting I’d treasure forever, an art in the solace of a gallery. Your smile was my whole world. You were my youth, Anri.

The sun melted away the melancholic thoughts and the realization hit me like a truck, today is Graduation day.

It suddenly made sense why I had that dream. It was because I was running away from her, from happiness itself. She was my whole world, yet I was running away. After all, I said the most cruel things to her.

Anri was the first ever friend I made. It was when I was 8 and she was transferred to my class. A meek young girl, whose wavy hair was a sight I always looked forward to every morning. She had deep set, round eyes and she made elementary days all the more livelier. She was an indispensable part of my life, one you would say a soulmate. And there was the other girl, Mei, her personality kind of aligned with mine, she was our songbird and I was the dancing queen. She was gifted with speech and voice, after all, she sang the loveliest melodies, but could pierce hearts with words akin to that of a blade.

The three of us were my home, and I think it would probably be safe to say that I ran away.