Homeless

Someone must have taught me that graduations are always sentimental, and I must have been ingrained with that belief. But what part of it?

Well, I can’t speak for everyone given that I have disassociated myself with futile, fragile bonds that could break one day. But I am still so young and there is more to life than friendship, I could always forge new ones, in the convenience of my feelings.

I have always thought people with no friends to be pathetic, yet looking at myself right now would surely make my own skin crawl. But why do I even care? It’s not as if I’d die without them.

People change, people wear masks and people act. That’s just how people are, and Shakespeare has never been more right about life being a theatre for humans to put on an act.

I walked down the recessional at a languid pace, my legs felt like jelly and my mind empty. Six years went by like a drain and it is finally time to say goodbye.

The first step of my march was for my first years when I met faces from different walks of life, I was six. The second was when I learned how to write in cursive, the third was when I learned to goof around with friends and hold a pen in my hand. And the fourth step was when I met Anri. I slowed down and searched for her face in the crowd. Nothing. But it was in that step when I met happiness for the first time. The fifth step was when I met responsibilities for the first time, I didn’t mind since she was always there when I looked back, and a child-like smile would curve my lips. I was ten. The sixth step was when I dropped that smile and slowly unentangled our intertwined hands. The sixth step was when I realized happiness could be shared. The sixth step was when I realized I was selfish to keep her all by myself. The sixth step was when I started to hear Mei’s bullshit instead of her sweet voice. The sixth step was the first time I saw Anri cry. The sixth, final step was when I learned water could flow from the eyes, and the heart could literally break.

I was eleven.

Maybe this is okay.

Maybe this is the best for both of us.

Because in the end, I’m always good at running and it would be natural for me to reach kilometers in a marathon.

I could run for hours, but I would slow down to match her pace, I’d give her my bottles of water to freshen up and we’d smile together despite our ragged breaths. I would also need water, but her smile freshens me up just the same and for me that was enough. I’d wait for her and would constantly look back to see if she was following, but one day she tripped and as usual, I ran to her, worried. I’d wrap my towel in her wound, “it’s okay, I don’t mind the sweat,” I brushed off her concern and reassured her because in the end, she was more important to me than the sentimental value that piece of towel had. It was a memento from my late mother, however.

There was also one day at school too when I was met with the news that she was gonna be absent for a week due to a chicken pox. A week without her felt excruciatingly painful, I wanted to see her really badly but it couldn’t be helped, chicken pox is a highly infectious disease. That’s why I waited and waited, and she came. The teacher told us not to get too close to her as the virus was still active, but she looked like she felt really lonely and I didn’t like that so I stuck with her the whole time. In the end, I caught the pox and was absent for a week.

The sixth step, and the step henceforth was when I realized.

I lost myself loving her.

“In the end, I should take my unwarranted kindness elsewhere. I’m too kind for my own good.”

The thoughts abruptly came to a halt as the ceremony ended.

It’s time to say the final goodbye, I guess.

“I waited until graduation so I didn’t have to see you again.”

Along those lines where my real feelings can be found.

Months before today, I told her that I never wanted to see her face again. I wanted her to get out of my sight as soon as possible. I wanted her to disappear. I waited for this day so that I could never see her face again. I think I may have loathed her that much.

Yes, I hated her. That’s why I wanted to run away.

I hated how she never picked up the pace and didn’t even think of an initiative to run together with me, side by side. I hated how she would chase Mei and her other friends without pause, but wouldn’t run with me if I didn’t tell her to. I hated how she never reciprocated anything. I hated how I gave her my all and she gave me nothing in return.

Right now, the past three years make me so sick to death.

What I did for her was all for nothing. But it was okay, maybe she was just a faulty investment plan. In the end, the only one you could trust is yourself.

But I can’t bring myself to hate her. After all, she was the girl who showed me how warmth felt.

I know my worth and I’m not gonna settle for less, but even I wanted to say goodbye and

Thank you for the past three years.

The sound of camera shutters enveloped the gymnasium but never have I ever considered this memory to be taken, after all, she was my all or nothing.

Today, I ran away from home, from the two of them, from her.

And I guess it’s safe to say I’m homeless.