Chapter 12:

To hold a torch

Anything but Boring!


“I’m home!” Kimiko swung open the door to their shared apartment with a smile on her face. She was buzzing with excitement about telling Makoto about her day and asking him how his time went with his brother. She expected to see that fluffy head of dark blue hair spring up from somewhere. After walking through the apartment, though, she was only greeted with silence. The brilliant light of energy she once held now dimmed to a flicker of doubt.

It wasn’t the first time Makoto came home a little later than usual, so she freshened up and got a snack while she waited. About an hour later than expected and Makoto still wasn’t home. She sighed with a look towards the door as she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a little cold.

Kimiko tried not to worry, but this break in his pattern made her nervous. She went to the counter to get her phone and decided to send him a text to check-in.

Hey! I’m home, how was work? :)

She put her phone down then gave food to the kitties and fed the golden fish in her room. She took a shower then walked out in her jammies with a sinking feeling in her stomach. She took a deep breath to calm herself. She decided to cook dinner.

The chair opposite her was empty as she ate and remained even once she finished. She exhaled some of her concern but most of it lay trapped. Her phone lay on the table without a single message to ease her spirits. She knew he had to come home eventually since it was part of the contract they signed but to be out this late? What if something was wrong?

She tapped her fingers against the table. The tv flickering in the background was more like white noise to her than anything. When she checked her phone once more, it hadn't even shown that he'd read the message. Kimiko sighed and clicked off her phone.

I hope he's alright. If he is, then what's happening? What if he's gone because he’s with some other girl? Wait, we’re not dating, I shouldn't be worrying about that. What if he's tired of me or bored with me now?

The moment Makoto said that they would be strictly platonic, she agreed. Despite the initial sadness and loss that she felt, it made the most sense. They wanted different things, so their relationship could never function. So, friends, it was, at least until that kiss. She couldn't deny herself how wonderful it felt either. Regardless, she was sure that their friendship was still intact. Until now.

Is he avoiding me? I don't want to lose another friend.

An hour before bed, Kimiko locked up the apartment and went to her room to attempt to sleep. It didn't matter though. All she could think about was where Makoto was. Tossing and turning and trying to distract herself from the urge to reach out to him again. Finally, she gave in for a moment.

She sent him one more message.

I'm going to go to bed now, okay? :) Let me know if you need anything, I don’t mind if it’s late.

Kimiko lay on her side on the mattress for about a half hour after that. She felt stupid for sending him any messages at all.

Her bedroom felt vacant. The emptiness reminded her of the first time her mother wasn't there to say goodnight to her. The hand of a clock that refused to move. The instinct to know that something had changed.

The blue light of her phone shone on her face, spitting images and temptations for her attention. Yet none of them could divert her. Finally, she sat up, completely restless. She walked out of the room, her hand catching the corner of the soft weighted blanket along with her. Her small feet scurried over to the couch that Makoto usually slept on.

Curling her body around his pillow, it was his scent that finally allowed her to fall asleep.

The next morning awoke her with peace, at first. Having forgotten about her worries from the night before, she had a split second to herself. Before the world stormed through her once more. The first thing she did was look for Makoto. Nothing.

She checked her phone.

No messages.

I don't understand... She thought.

The growing separation anxiety ate away at her stomach. She couldn't take it. Kimiko searched for the live stream on her phone for the first time.

It was the world's worst crystal ball. An image of her looking at her phone at this very second was before her. Comments leaped up through the side of the image like nosy grasshoppers.

Poor Kimiko, no don't look at the stream!

Hi Kimiko I think you're cute, date me instead of Makoto!!

I can't believe he had the nerve to not even message her. What a jerk.

He doesn't owe her anything, don't get tied down Makoto!

Kimiko turned off the screen of her phone, letting it click to black. Her own reflection stared back at her through the darkness. Of blank eyes and a frightened face. The air in her lungs fell stuck, now fog. Heart beating without thinking. She was frozen, staring at herself while she processed everything.

To look from behind the curtain only to see yourself on stage. It shook her to see it live. It was the same wake-up call that water gives to those unaware of how cold it could get once they've already dived in.

Two timid meows at the window. It pulled her thoughts onto another track.

With a shake of her head, she hurried over to give the needy felines their food. The grateful creatures ate their fish in peace without another care in the world.

Kimiko leaned against the counter, her hand pressed against her cheek as she bathed in their serenity. The sight of such a simple joy was exactly what she needed.

Oh to bask in the warm sunlight.
To stand on a windowsill and eat a fresh meal with a friend.
A meal made by someone who loves you simply for the sake of loving and nothing else gained.

"How lovely to be a cat and eat fish all day…" Kimiko dreamed aloud with a subtle smile, then gave a pet to each cat's fluffy ears for luck. The moment allowed her the strength to face her problems once more. She turned on her phone again and scrolled through the video until she saw Makoto return home at 11:55 pm. It was right before the cut-off, otherwise, they'd have to pay up.

His hair was shaggier than usual and he looked tired. The two kitties sat perched on the couch-backing, staring at him. Makoto walked to the couch, his usual sleeping spot. He stopped once he saw Kimiko curled around his pillow in a little ball. Her blanket only covered half of her now. With great care, he tugged at the top of the blanket so it protected her once more.

Kimiko stopped the video, then closed out the page. She had only wanted to know he'd come home safe and now she knew. Her other questions, she didn't have time for, she had to go to work. After she’d gotten ready, she noticed the camera at the door for the first time on her way out. She stopped and looked up at it. With an uncertain smile, she gave it a little wave.

"Oh, um... bye." She said, then left for the train that would take her to work.

~~~

On the train home from work that day, she fought the urge to text Makoto again. Instead, she hoped that he would be there this time so she wouldn't have to fight with herself anymore.

Kimiko fumbled with her keys a bit. Each second added on a layer of dread as she opened the door to their apartment.

Her empty apartment.

With a near silent whimper, she closed the door behind her.

The next day passed. The next was the same once more. Makoto left before she awoke and only came back in once she was asleep.

On the third day, she didn't have work and she knew he didn't either. She'd hoped that it would signal things going back to normal, but once again he wasn't there in the morning.

That morning Kimiko paced the living room in her polka-dot socks. She almost wished she had work today because at least the cute animals would distract her. It took the growl of her stomach to force her to eat something.

Unable to soothe her anxieties, she spent the afternoon on the couch upsidedown. Her hair draped over the front of the couch with her feet hooked around the back. Kimiko watched one of her favorite comfort shows without turning right side up.

I wish I wasn’t so clingy… I just really like him. Is it bad to be like this?

Maybe I said something wrong. Would he tell me if that's what it was? I can fix it if he speaks to me again. I hope he will. I miss him.

Held prisoner by her own thoughts, she found any reason to blame herself. The only key to her freedom would be the truth of his avoidance.

I should be like everyone else and not care at all. I just met him after all. I shouldn’t be attached to him this quickly. It’s weird.

The show continued on for Kimiko as if it was made for her. The main characters went about their complicated and yet also completely ordinary lives. Still, thoughts ran her over.

I haven’t texted him for the days he’s been gone, besides that one time, so that’s good. I wouldn't want to smother him. If he wanted to talk to me he would anyway. So, I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Right?

Her big green eyes stared at the screen. Her button nose and pout would have been a mirror image of when she was a kid swinging upside down on a tree to think.

It makes me sad to always have to try so much for people to spend time with me. It would be nice if once, someone would want me first. To be unable to be apart from me the way I used to feel for Daichi. The way I feel about Makoto.

On the tv, she saw one of her favorite moments play out and she smiled a little.

The main woman's love interest was sitting on a swing at the park. A place she used to spend hours talking to the male love interest after work for most of the show. After he got another job and moved away, they lost touch. Months later, the woman now sat there on that same swing, thinking about all the memories they had together. A reel of their happiest moments cycled through until it was brought back to her in the present. With a sigh, she stopped swinging and stared at the horizon. The sadness she felt was perfectly captured through a close-up of her somber expression. 

It looked just like Kimiko felt. Homesick.

Then, the man slid back into the frame without a word. He sat down on the swing beside her. Without losing another beat they started talking as they had months ago. Smiles on both faces, laughing and chatting. Like old times.

Kimiko could see how much they tried to hide their excitement to see each other, yet also how much they couldn't wait to go back to being like they were before.

“Hmm…” Kimiko hummed to herself. She then fell legs-forward in an awkward somersault so she could turn herself upright. She sat on the “frug” crosslegged as she watched the last of the scene play out.

“Well… maybe I can do that too then.”

Maybe you won’t come back, and that’s okay.
I’ll be okay if you don’t.
But… I still want to keep the fireplace warm for you in case you do.
That would make me happy.

And so, unable to help herself, she got dressed for the day. Then she hurried over to their ancient goldfish without a name.

“I’m going to go out for a bit. I've got some shopping to do!” She said with newfound vigor, then tapped a few fish flakes into the water for the creature. “If you see Makoto tell him I said hi okay?”

The fish swam around and then went to munch on its food.

No matter what happens, today is going to be a good day.

Katsuhito
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