Vol. 1, Chapter 9: Finding Warmth Amidst the Cold

It was another day of walking blindly into the white wall of snow. The storm did not slow down for even a little and proceeding forward was hard on both the body and the mind. For moments here and there, the thought that I might never see the end came to me, only for me to chase it away time and time again. If I let such thoughts consume me, then my feet would stop moving, and if my feet stop, then it's all over. Right now, moving forward is all that matters. I can't think about the end, I can only think about putting one foot in front of the other, and so on and so forth.

Eventually, time came once more for us to rest, and more so than yesterday, I am eager for it. I'm so tired right now it feels like I'm as old as I remember myself to be. Everything is so heavy, even moving a few steps away feels like a chore.

Like yesterday, a snow cave was constructed and we were all eager to crawl in to get away from the snow. Perhaps it is due to the fact that we have braved this journey together, today we huddled closer together than the day before.

With the others I sat by the fire, munching on the dried rations handed to us for our journey. I hold it against the fire for a bit before munching on it, but it remains still cold. I should have left it there longer, but I was getting hungry and couldn't wait. As I munch down on the dried jerky, lamenting about its lack of flavor, my tired body starts to slump, hitting the shoulder of the one sitting beside me.

"Sorry."

"I don't mind. You may rest against me if you want, Sir Aurelius."

I hadn't realized it, but sitting by me is the princess, who I have avoided talking to since yesterday. You'd think that being as old as I am, I would have reacted to the situation better, but on the contrary, I took it terribly, and now I'm childishly avoiding her.

"Tomorrow, if you don't mind, may I take over casting the [Heat Ward] upon the troops? You must be tired after doing it constantly for two day in a row."

"That would be a great help, thank you."

It seems that even though my Mp hasn't quite ran out yet, having to constantly cast spells like that can be rather draining on one's mind, and thanks to that, for quite a while now I've been feeling some headaches that aren't so terrible that they stop me from doing anything, but they're not exactly pleasant either.

"Sir Aurelius, I'm sorry to have come here without consulting you first. I may believe that it is the right thing to do, but to do so without your consent was rather insolent of me."

Seeing her now, I remember a saying, one that, if I recall, goes like this: "Ask not for permission, but forgiveness instead." What she's doing now is essentially that. I suppose you can say that she knows how to get things done, but just as she had said, she should have consulted me or at least said something to me first. We're supposed to be working together right? Or am I not trustworthy enough? No, that's not it, those are not the reason I am mad. In truth, I'm just not happy when things are occurring outside of my control.

"It's fine. At the end of the day, I just have to fight and win. That is what you summoned me here for, right?"

The instant I said those words, I hated myself, because I said them knowing that it would make her feel bad. It was a petty revenge on my part, and Merida had noticed it too, shooting a glare my way that made me feel even more terrible, as I should. However, those feelings quickly dissipated when the princess, all of a sudden, leaned over onto me, and her warmth kept the ill feelings at bay, reminding me of the days I spent with Aurelius, my departed old friend.

"Sir Aurelius, how is it that you can keep going like this, fighting against impossible odds for a world you have no connection to?"

Impossible odds, she said. So finally she admits it, that this is impossible after all. Calling me the final hope of her people and all that, it really was just plain old optimism. Why bring this up now, of all times? Well, I guess I was the one who brought up having to fight in the first place. But, I'm not the only one here fighting. Everyone here is, the soldiers, Merida, even the princess is trying her best to stave off the destruction of this world.

"How do you do it, princess? How does everyone do it in fact?"

The princess lets out a small laugh.

"Is it not rude in your world to answer a question with another question?"

"Well, sometimes a question is a better answer than a straightforward answer."

The princess laughs louder now, and her laughter brought some cheer to this previously gloomy snow shelter.

"Perhaps you are right, Sir Aurelius, perhaps you are."

Before I realized it, everyone had started talking about their reason for fighting, some speak of their family, and another speaks of his lover. For Merida, it has always been about the princess, apparently, the princess had taken Merida from the streets and into her care. Considering that I know Merida's subclass is Assassin, and considering that classes in this world is less of a choice and more of the paths one have taken in life, I will not pry for more details. As for the Princess, she speaks of her late siblings, all passed away while trying to push back the [Demon] horde, some of which were good at fight thing, some were not, but everyone fought bravely to preserve their kingdom and their people. In their memory, the princess steels herself to do the same so that they will not have laid down their lives in vain.

"But back to my question, Sir Aurelius, how do you do it? All of us here have something to fight for, but this world is none of your concern, isn't it? You're only dragged into this, so why go so far? If you would only ask, I could have arranged for you to have a life without want far, far, away from the frontlines. Yet, even after I told you that I would take responsibility for you being here, not only did you not stop fighting, you went ahead and came up with this outrageous strategy. Pardon my lack of insight, but I simply do not understand your thinking."

What was I thinking? Well, first of all, I can't possibly leave an entire kingdom and an entire world to its ruin while I enjoy life by myself. And really, I've lived a long enough life to not be so concerned whether I enjoyed the last of my days or not. These are the reasoning I've come up with, something I could easily tell people and have them understand. But, what is the truth, really? Why do I fight? Why do I do anything? Honestly, I can't remember anymore. What was I even doing before my Aurelius came into my life? Day in, day out, it was just work, work, work, but for what? I can't remember any more. I've never really wanted a large home since I had always been alone, and I never wanted a car because the only place I go to is the workplace and the nearby supermarket, so taking buses would suffice. I don't have a wife and kids either. With hardly anything to spend money on, my savings were just piling up. I could have quit anytime I want. Yet, day in, day out, I got off from my bed and got myself ready for work.

"I promised to fight in exchange for your help in searching for my friends, didn't I?"

"But surely, Sir Aurelius, you should know that the chance for your friends to survive in this world is very low, right? More than likely, they're already dead, especially if they've landed in the lands already ravaged by the [Demons]. All of that would be my fault. So why do you fight for a kingdom in which the princess had likely caused the death of your friends?"

This girl, she doesn't pull any punches. Does she want the truth that bad? Isn't she afraid that I'd stop fighting once I realize my friends are all most likely gone? No, actually, if I have any brains, then I would have realized that sooner or later. Better to confirm my true reason for fighting now and incentivize me with whatever it is rather than for me to lose motivation later I suppose.

I shift my position and have my back against the princess'. Leaning back against her, I get comfortable, before I begin reaching for the depths of my heart.

"Sir Aurelius?"

"I... I didn't think so far. I was given a job, and so I just do it. I stop thinking about everything else, only about accomplishing the job. You say that my friends are more than likely dead, and you might be right, but I didn't think about that, tried not to think about it. I need the motivation to get the job done. If I don't think about how they're all probably dead then I can keep going. And if I keep going, I'll probably get somewhere, someday."

"If I may ask, where is this 'somewhere' you speak of?"

"I don't know. I'd like to say that I'll know when I get there, but I might not even know it when I do. I think I might have had a dream once, I thought that if I worked hard I'll eventually get to it before I know it. So I just kept working, I stopped thinking about how hard everything is and how I might not be able to fulfill my dreams after all. But then, at one point, when I really stop to think about it, I can't even remember that dream anymore. My mind was just filled with work. I could try and remember, but then I thought that I might just get sad, so I stopped remembering, if I got sad, then I'd stop moving forward, and if that happens, I'll never get anywhere."

"So... you're just fighting because you're told to?"

The princess sounds a little horrified in which I took a little offense to. It's not as if I'm just doing what I'm told after all.

"No, that's not it. I'm fighting because if I don't I'd just rot away. Perhaps if it had been someone else, they'd take you offer to live out the rest of their lives idly and without wants till the world is destroyed, but not me. Maybe it's just a habit I've developed through the years, but I would much rather die than live my life idly while standing still. I'll keep moving forward, even if there's nothing waiting for me at the end."

The gazes cast towards me are a mix of confusion, sympathy, and admiration. I suppose some simply did not understand me, perhaps some felt pity for me, and some admires this stubbornness of mine if nothing else.

From behind me, I feel the back I've been leaning on leaving me, and I can hear that princess turning to face me. I wonder what face she is making. Is she sad or is she mad? Did she understand or is she confused? Not that I expect anyone to understand, nor do I require it. I'll be myself, and that's that.

A pair of small arms stretched over my shoulders, pulling me into a soft, warm embrace. It felt so comfortable I almost fell asleep that instant.

"I have received your determination, Sir Aurelius, but you must pardon me for this sadness I feel for you."

Her warm reminds me of the days I remember most fondly, the days in which I look forward to going home rather than considering staying back at the office just to skip commuting, the days in which I have something, someone, to live for. Aurelius, my dear Aurelius, she had a large appetite, and her beautiful fur needs to be groomed now and then, meaning that I have to spend more than I ever had to before. Of course, she has to go on walks also, but there were no parks near where I live, so I had to get a car. With her in my life, all the money I've saved up starts to drain, but it did not matter. For once, I feel like I was truly living, that there is meaning in me being there. Even after I retired, the days spent with her did not feel idle one bit. Those were the days.

My hand reaches out for the arms wrapped around me, feeling their warmth and softness at the tips of my finger.

"You're the same, are you not, princess? Haven't you, haven't everyone here been fighting against the impossible odds of this bleak world without the hope of ever seeing the end? Aren't we all just focused on putting one foot in front of the other so that one day we might get somewhere? I may not have as many things to fight for as the rest of you, but there's no need for worry, princess. It's not as if I have absolutely nothing to fight for. My friends may still be out there. Even if the chances are extremely slim, for me, that's more than enough reason to keep fighting."

***

End of Chapter 9