A Tailback Threatens Me With the Notion of the Friendzone

God, I need just one Mia-less day. Please.

It had been a week, and finally I had arrived at the first weekend, seeking the bliss of not having to deal with Ms. Karlsson. By this point I had realized the reason I disliked her presence so much was because she was so hyperactive. It wasn’t a bad thing by itself, but it cut into my natural sort of introvert, which irked me quite a bit. She was decent to be around, but she sucked my social battery dry within minutes, and I couldn’t stand it.

So, especially on a Saturday (my ‘sleep and binge Netflix’ day), the worst thing that could happen would be Mia banging on my window.

She didn’t. Nothing happened. I watched Netflix for a solid two hours, no interruptions. Naturally, I was concerned. Mia? Not completely ruining my off day? What bullshittery is this? I put on some clothes and opened the door to the balcony myself, searching for answers. I leaned over the railing and looked up, but no one was there. I knocked on the metal railing a few times, seeing if she would come out like some sort of stray cat. At that moment I thought about my actions.

Wait. Why am I looking for her? If anything, this is my off day. Let her do what she wants! I could care less.

“Looking for Mia?” A voice underneath me asked. My head snapped down, locking eyes with a brown-haired, blue-eyes white dude standing on the deck below. I sort of recognized him, but I didn’t know for sure. He looked my age, after all. Maybe I saw him at school somewhere?

“Do you know her?”

“Oh! You’re Katsume, right? The new receiver? I’m Kevin Guerley- running back. Number 27?” I remember him! Over the last week I had finally started practice with the team officially, and I remembered handing him the ball to give to the center. Whether I knew him or not didn’t get in the way of my slight irritation at the way he said my name- it was definitely pronounced ‘Caught-sue-may,’ not Kevin’s southern-sounding ‘Cat-sue-may.” (Hey, free pronunciation guide! Please do not read my name wrong in your mind.)

“That’s me,” I said, keeping my mouth shut about the mispronunciation. “And I do remember you a little. Do you know Mia?”

“What are you to her?”

“Uh- wow, that was out of the blue, uh…” I began fumbling through my mind for an answer. Acquaintance? Maybe a friend? More like a soul vacuum. “Probably an acquaintance, haha..? What makes you ask?”

“I’m her boyfriend,” he blurted. Oh.

“No you’re not! Shut up!” From behind him a pair of arms grabbed him and threw him inside. Up stared Mia, face flushed with embarrassment. “He says that to everyone! We’re friends! That’s it!” You seem closer than that, I thought as Kevin recovered from his fall and shoved Mia back through the doors.

“Okay, maybe I lied, but there’s no way I’m letting you have my precious Mia!” The hell? The two swapped places violently once again.

“Don’t listen to him! He has a 2.9 GPA!”

“Well, she has every single LEGO Star Wars set!” That’s actually impressive.

“Well, he has the spelling capabilities of a seventh grader!”

“Well…”

“Well…”

“SHUT UP!” Both of them looked up at me, frozen mid-scrap boxing match. “Are you two, like, cousins or something? And why am I involved in any of this?”

“Hey, we have Smash Bros. down here if you want to hang out,” Mia said, completely ignoring my question.

“And I’ve got Sprite in the cooler,” Kevin agreed. You’re on her side now?

“Fine. But answer my question,” I responded as I tentatively grabbed the bars of the railing and climbed down inch by inch.

“Uh,” Mia said. “Your pants are sagging.” How ADHD can you be?

“Sorry? And answer my question!”

“What was your question?” Both asked me at the same time.

“Uuuugh,” I groaned, realizing that accepting their invitation was a death sentence. “You two. Related? Just friends? Madly in love? What is it?”

“Oh!” Mia said, as if actually paying attention for once. “Childhood friends.”

“If you’re pursuing her romantically, know that she’s entirely available due to a condition called ‘being ugly’. She hasn’t dated since sixth gr-” Kevin was welcomed by a hearty slap to the doorsteps of heaven.

“Shut up! I think I’m a solid six, at least!” Eh, you’re actually better looking than you give yourself credit for. Like, a nine or ten? Trust me, though, I spend enough time around you- I don’t need anything more.

“Are we going to play Smash or not?” I asked as the two bickered like siblings. Their eyes lit up and they seemed to forget that they were just fighting. You two are weird. And weirdly similar, too.

“I call P1!” Mia said as she leapt for a beanbag, limbs flying everywhere as she crashed into the pillowy material. Her head popped up from the squishy red bag as she struggled to grab a controller that was just out of her reach. Rather than watch her suffer as I very well could’ve, I decided to be the better person and just give her the controller. I sat down and took the controller with three green dots, since I liked P3 colors anyway. Kevin took P2, and immediately Mia sent us into a character selection screen.

“Now, look, I would assume this type of game isn’t something you play very often,” Kevin explained, his cheeks slightly red, “but we don’t have COD or Halo or Overwatch, so just bear with us.”

“Okay…?” I said as I chose Pikachu, my main and one of the better characters in the game. Do they think I’m one of those FPS guys? Kevin chose Donkey Kong, which wasn’t the best matchup for my character, but I could make it work.

As Mia chose Lucina, I blurted, “You’re a Lucina main?”

“Yeah, why? She has a great neutral B.”

“She’s just a worse version of Marth. No tipper attacks.” Kevin seemed to be shocked by my knowledge.

“Oh, I know. She just looks cooler.” Kevin sighed in relief.

“Why’d you sigh?” Kind of a weird time to do that.

“For a second I thought you knew something Mia didn’t.”

“What are you saying, Mia is all-knowing?” I expected a laugh or two, but Kevin remained dead serious.

“Yes. Yes, she is. Literally any topic. She will know.” Weird. Well, it explains what happened on the first day of school, though. She did know the day James Cook died.

“Mia.” Preoccupied with switching her character to Marth, she tilted her head, looking at me from her slumped position on the beanbag.

“Hm?”

“Do you know about the Manchurian Invasion?” Something in her eyes gleamed as she sat up straight in her seat.

“Japan tried to take over Manchuria a few times, but I assume you’re referring to the pre-World War II takeover? Seeing European countries build empires, Japan militarized itself and quickly took all of Korea and parts of China, specifically one that they called Manchukwo, or Manchuria. One major event was the Rape of Nanking-”

“Okay, calm down. What’s your GPA?”

“4.7-ish.”

“I told you she was all-knowing,” Kevin said, face wearing the same smug expression I had seen all too many times on Mia. Meanwhile, I tried to hide my obvious jaw drop. Mia, sadly, noticed.

“Heh. Impressive, huh? I don’t know everything, but unlike this idiot, I study. What’s yours?”

“Well, I don’t really have one,” I said, not wanting to explain how Japan’s grading is very different from America’s. Quickly, though, I realized Mia would probably know that. “I lived in Japan the past few years,” I added.

“Okay, I’m tired of this, let’s just play!” Kevin pressed the play button before Mia or I could grab our controllers. We scrambled for them as he snickered, already preparing to send us flying.

“You two can duel- I have to go to the bathroom,” Mia said, dropping her controller and rushing through a doorway. Kevin paused the game and looked at me mischievously, laying down on his beanbag. Damn it, you’re just like her.

“So, has she gotten to you yet?”

“What do you mean by that? Do not mean what I think you mean.”

“Are you madly in love with Mia?” He rolled over and clutched his hands over his chest.

“No? I can’t stand her.”

“C’mon, Cat-sume! You can be honest!” But I was, though. I sighed, hating to admit facts, but I had to make a point.

“Hear me out all the way through, okay? I do not like her. I’m sure you’ve noticed too- she’s really cute, objectively. But. She drives me insane. You do too, so please stop.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s how you feel now, but you’ll get used to her. And then you’ll fall helplessly in love. And the worst part is? No matter how hard you try, she won’t like you back.” Oh, shut up. You’re just trying to make me fall out of love. I told you, she drives me nuts.

“I just said I don’t like her.”

“Dude,” Kevin said. The light in his eyes had gone dark. Oh. He’s serious. “I’m not kidding. Here’s what will happen- like I said, you’ll get used to her insanity. And then, without even realizing it, you'll be head over heels. But Mia’s got bigger things to worry about. Plus, she’s super oblivious. I was stuck in the friendzone for four years before I gave up. I’m just warning you- do everything you can to not fall for her. It’s a trap you only escape through finding someone else- that was how I did it. Just, please, don’t end up like me.”

“Hey! I’m back- why do the two of you look so somber?”

“Nothing- we were having a staring contest. Right, Cat-sume?”

“Mhm,” I agreed, covering up the horror from Kevin’s haunting story.

“Oh, Kevin. His name’s Seiro Kat-sume. Like the word caught.”

“It is? Why didn’t you tell me, Katsume?” I didn’t have the balls.

“I don’t care, really. Either way works,” I decided. Most likely, everyone would be calling me Cat-sume by next week, so I couldn’t be too picky about pronunciation.

“Wait, Mia, you can’t just press play!”

“Eheheheheh! I’m gonna get you!”

God. If what Kevin said is true, thank the Lord I’m not getting used to Mia. Still a nuisance.