The Apology

I take some time to think about everything. Yuasa and I definitely got off to a bad start. When he took my glasses and made me cry, I really hated him. I thought that nothing he did could redeem himself after that. But then a second incident happened… Not as bad as the first, but similar to what I had dealt with in the past. And I thought that I had to deal with it alone. But then Yuasa showed up.

He was his usual self but he really helped me. He helped me get the help that I was too afraid to ask for. And it seems like after that day he’s been a bit nicer. He wanted to be my friend. We hung out this summer. And the rose themed accessories he gave me were really pretty… His actions have softened my heart towards him. But is it alright to accept his feelings and forget about what happened in the past?

I was back at school and I contemplated wearing my hair clip. But I still didn’t feel ready for it and let my bangs continue covering my face. I slipped back into the same old routine, save for a few changes. When I didn't say hello to Yorikane immediately, he walked up to me and made me do it. I felt embarrassed with the class’ eyes on me, but most of them joined our hangouts over summer vacation so they shouldn’t be too surprised.

“I told you not to be a stranger, Shiotani-chan,” he said. “At least wave at me, okay? I consider us friends, you know.”

“Okay…” Was all I could say.

Another change was that at lunch, Yuasa showed up at my classroom. He wanted to eat lunch with me apparently. We met up with Kishi as well and I took them to my usual spot.

“It’s very shaded,” Yuasa said. “When it gets colder, you should change locations.”

“I’d rather be inside when it’s colder…” Kishi commented.

“I guess we can look for a different place,” I added. When it was cold last year, I still tried to sit in this spot. But sometimes, like when there was snow on the ground, I had to find a corner in the cafeteria. If I’m with others though, I should probably find a new place.

Yuasa picked me up again at club time. It seems like he’s making an effort to stick around me… He likes me… I can’t think of any other reason why he’s acting like this…

During the club, Kishi mentioned that he was going to try to have daily conversations with Yorikane. Hopefully that makes Yorikane think of him more. I felt like I should tell Kishi about what seems to be happening between me and Yuasa. Maybe I should confirm Yuasa’s feelings first though.

The days at school passed like this. I’ve had enough time to think about Yuasa. I want to talk to him now… When we were among the bookshelves in the library during our club, I talked to him.

“Kitahashi… When are you free?”

“Tomorrow after school. Why?”

“I want to talk to you…”

“Alright.”

“We can go to my house.”

“Sounds good.”

I nodded. Then I awkwardly left to go sit with Kishi again.

The day came quickly. We said goodbye to Kishi and got on a bus to go to my house. When we got there, the house was empty as expected. I decided to take Yuasa to my room so we could talk. He looked around and it made me feel embarrassed. His comment didn’t help either.

“Nice decorations,” he said.

I pulled out a small table for us to sit at on the floor. He sat next to me and waited for me to say something. I took a deep breath before finding the right words to start with.

“I know that from the beginning you’ve been curious…” I pushed my bangs behind my ear and stared down at the table. “I never thought that I would tell you… But we’ve gotten closer and now I’ve shown you everything… So I want to tell you what happened to me and hopefully answer all of your questions.”

He didn’t say anything. He continued to wait. I’ve told Kishi the story… I can tell Yuasa as well. I told the story the same way I did with Kishi. About my friends, the bullies, the major incident. The trauma it left me with. The reason why I hid my face… The reason why I have these scars. I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t help the tears that filled my eyes.

“And so…” I sniffed. “That’s what happened… I hope you understand my actions better now…”

I was startled when he wiped a tear away with his finger. I finally looked up at him. He had a blank expression. But his eyes looked a little more intense. Those eyes began to search my face. With the finger that wiped away a tear with the knuckle, began to gently trace the white scars on my skin. I could only stare at his face while his eyes and pointer finger moved in sync.

“...they’re ugly, aren’t they…?” When he still hadn’t said anything, I had to break the silence.

“No,” he replied. “They don’t put a damper on your appearance at all.”

“That can’t be right…”

“It’s true. You know it’s not your fault you received these scars. But now you have to live with them. Why not be proud? Why not appreciate them? No one else has these same scars, no one else is as unique as you are. I’m not saying you should thank your tormentors, but at least don’t let them and what they did weigh on you forever. Be proud and be content in your own skin.”

“...I don’t know if I can.”

He finally took his hand off my face and looked me in the eye. “I’m sure you can. Haven’t you already begun to improve? You didn’t care when your glasses were broken. You used the hair clip during your birthday party. You’re already growing and improving. I’m sure that one day you’ll look back at what happened and remember it as only a strange and awful dream.”

I looked downward. “That would be nice…”

He gently lifted my head by my chin to look in my eyes again. “You can do it. You’ve got friends and family that will support you. I hope I can see a confident and happy Saki Shiotani one day.”

My eyes began to tear up once more. I want that too… I don’t want to be miserable all the time… I want to be able to be happy in my own skin…

I wiped my eyes with my hands and sniffed again. “Kitahashi… That’s not all I wanted to talk about…”

“What else did you want to talk about?”

I put my hands in my lap and looked at them, getting nervous again. I need to know his true feelings. After everything, I need to know if he actually likes me or not.

“I’ve noticed you being a bit nicer… and attentive towards me… So I need to know… Do you… like me…?” I winced and braced myself for his answer. Rejection or acceptance, whatever it is…

He was quiet for a moment. “...I like you.”

I looked up. He was looking away. I blushed. He likes me…? Wait, he does mean romantically, right…?

“Does that mean… romantically…?”

He looked at me, almost looking annoyed. “Yes. Haven’t I made it obvious?”

“Kinda… I just wasn’t sure…”

He sighed. “So? What are you going to do with this information?”

“I… I don’t know…” I feel like I can’t accept his feelings immediately.

“Are you going to be my girlfriend or not?”

Girlfriend… I blushed again. I’m not used to that word… But something has to come first before I can use the word boyfriend to refer to him as.

“Kitahashi… There’s something you need to do first before I answer that.” My tone became serious.

“What is it?”

“You… You have to apologize. For your behavior since the first time we met. For taking my glasses and making me cry… I can’t accept this change in our relationship until you apologize for everything.”

He blinked at me, looking surprised. Then he looked away, like he had to think about it. If he doesn’t apologize, I can’t accept him as my boyfriend… The longer he hesitated, the more worried I got. But then he turned to me on his knees and did something surprising.

He bowed down with his head on the floor and his hands in front of him. He was in the dogeza position. I was so shocked I couldn’t speak.

“I apologize…” he spoke. “I deeply regret the way I treated you without knowing anything about you… I promise to treat you well from this moment forward, especially if you’ll accept me and allow me to be your boyfriend. If I wrong you again, you are allowed to hate me forever.”

I was still shocked even after he finished talking. He stayed in the position until I said something.

“Okay, okay, I accept your apology! Please raise your head!”

“Do you mean it?” he asked, still in position.

“Yes, I mean it!!”

He slowly raised his head. He brushed the hair back that had gotten in his face and adjusted his glasses. “I don’t mind if you retract that statement at any time.”

I stared at him in disbelief. To think he’d go so far… It makes me think he likes me a lot… But is that really possible?

“You’re way too serious…” I said.

“There’s no other way to be in this situation.”

I shook my head. I felt like I still needed to process what just happened. While I did that, I felt him grab my hands.

“Will you be my girlfriend, Saki?”

The sudden use of my first name without honorifics took me back. He keeps surprising me… I might get a heart attack at this rate…

“Do you… really want me…?” I still wasn’t sure.

“Yes,” he said without hesitation.

I blushed. He really means it… I have no choice… When he makes my heart flutter like this, there’s only one answer to give him…

“Yes… Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend…”

He smiled. “Then from now on, we’re dating.” He brought my hands to his face and he gently kissed them. I blushed even more.

I pulled my hands away before my heart escaped my chest. “Y-Yes… I guess we are…”

“If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, tell me. I can’t read your mind.”

“Okay, I will… By the way… I don’t really understand why you like me anyway…”

He looked like he was thinking. “Well… The more we interacted, the more you interested me. Then I realized I liked talking to you even if we were arguing. Why do you like me?”

His blue eyes made me have to look away. “Um… You… You seemed nicer lately… And you… have a nice smile…”

“Do I?” I glanced over and he was smiling again. My heart… He might kill me with his smile one day…

“A-Anyway… Can we tell Kishi about this?”

“I don’t mind. You can tell anyone you want.”

“The only one I want to tell right now is Kishi… and my father…”

“I should tell your father. When will he be home?”

“Soon I think.”

At that moment, we heard my father come through the front door. We both got up to go talk to him. I’m nervous for some reason… He technically already gave me his blessing though, didn’t he…? I hope it goes well…