Confession / 告白

The living room was as quiet as ever. An invisible tension dominated the air.

“Good evening, son. Your mother and I found this in your room. We’re not here to judge you on anything, we just want to have a conversation about it. Sit down, please.”

“Y-Yes.”

I did as they said, like a hostage of an armed assault. Mute and completely obedient.

“I don’t exactly know where to start, but I’d like to apologize before anything. We were looking around the house for something that your mother lost, and… we came across this, to our shock. And… well, how can I say this… I know it’s not hers.”

Hence, he continued.

“What is going on with you, son? We know teenagerhood can be daunting and full of new experiences, so we want to understand what it is you’re going through.”

I was paralyzed. On the other hand, I was also relieved they didn’t overreact nor cast me aside for it.

This was the time to wrap up a speech to explain everything, but I was blocked. I couldn’t muster enough courage to tell them.

“Yuki, you know you can always talk to us about anything.”

My mother reinforced my father’s point. With my head leaning forward to hide my expression, I broke the thirty-second silence. A barely audible start of an answer.

“I know. I know you just want to help me, but I… I was scared.”

I was tearing up. There are moments when you can’t hold them back and this was certainly one of them. I was being flooded with all sorts of emotions, yet I continued.

“I did not know how others would react to me… to this me…”

Even though I know you all that well, I…

“I was afraid of being rejected.”

“It’s okay. We can wait until you’re ready. Just know that we’ll always accept you as you are,” my mother reassured me.

It felt nice. Among all the things in this world, motherly love and care are still one of a kind. A warm, tight yet comfortable hug wrapping and filling you with love. There’s nothing like it, and I was lucky to have it by my side even after this. That was the push I needed to start vocalizing my ideas. After a minute-long wait, I began.

“I bought the bra a month ago.”

“Why?”

My mother inquired, still confused, and honestly rightfully so. I was still unconsciously dodging the point of the question. However, if I desired change in my life, there was only one choice. There was no turning back. What I was about to say couldn’t be withdrawn. In spite of all that, I somewhat courageously proceeded to explain. The core reason. Why I am the way I am.

“I am transgender.”

A dense silence filled the room. For my parents, it was as if all the dots connected. It all made sense. Everything that before this incident seemed off yet was ignored all the same. My parents however did not know the term well. Like most twenty-first century parents, they rarely heard of it on news channels, and that was about it. And I had just dropped a bomb on them. That simple yet huge confession.

If I wanted my future to take a better path, as my parents were henceforth aware of it, providing a proper explanation was of utmost importance.

And so, analogous to a derailing train, I kept going. Trying to keep myself on track. Inevitably dashing towards an uncertain future.

“I’ll explain what this means as I… I am aware this is new to you. The word transgender means that my biological sex assigned at birth differs from my gender. I know this is confusing, but gender is what’s on our brain, how we identify. Male, female, or something else. There are even cases of people who do not identify themselves with any gender. But… but that’s irrelevant here.”

“So, let me get this straight, you don’t identify with your male sex?”, my father asked.

“Yes.”

My emotions were still overwhelming me, albeit I tried to talk somewhat normally.

“My male sex assigned at birth differs from my female gender, which is my true identity, how I feel, who I am, a woman.”

Nearly stumbling on my words, I paused for a brief moment, apologizing shortly afterward.

“S-Sorry if this is overwhelming.”

“It’s alright, we mean it. As your mother and I stated earlier, we’ll accept who you are, we’ll never reject you over anything like this. You’re still yourself and that’s all that matters to us.”

I hugged my father tightly.

I was very fortunate to have my parents supporting me on this new daunting journey. The train got back on track, with no risk of falling off the rails now. 

My mother questioned me on an important aspect.

“Yuki, for how long have you been feeling like this? No need to hurry, make sure to take your time.”

I breathed in and out calmly and adjusted my position on the couch, allowing the train’s slow but steady movement along the railroads to continue.

“It all started five years ago. The first time I noticed something was off with me was on my birthday, when you took me to that concert. Then, not many days later, when I was in my first year of junior high, the first changes that come with puberty started taking effect. Facial hair, voice changing, body hair. I became depressed and unable to look at things the way I used to. What was once vibrant and colorful, was now pale and grey. It... made me realize I was transgender. I simply wasn't aware of the concept back then.”

Fearful of a misunderstanding, I reinforced my statement.

“I know you will probably say there’s a lot of men who choose to shave all their body hair or remove it, b-but that’s not it! It’s not that or a fetish, and I know it isn’t because I know myself very well! Trust me, please.”

“Okay. I’m sure you’re aware the first step going forward is to consult a psychologist. They can help you far more than we. Are we on the same page?”

“Yes.”

“If I may ask, what do you plan to do going forward? From what I’ve heard, you need surgeries and other different kinds of treatments to achieve a look that matches one of biological women. I’m worried about you, son. I don’t know how… serious this is and how far you’re willing to go.”

“First of all, you don’t need all that many procedures to achieve what I want," I began, unintentionally showing signs of overconfidence.

“And what are you trying to achieve?”

“I… want to look like a girl, from the inside to the outside. You also asked how serious this is. This… means the world to me. I am very serious about it.”

“Okay, but there’s still something you haven’t answered. Why did you buy a bra? Did you purchase anything else as well?”

“I did it because it was my only way to feel like myself, even briefly. To feel feminine. To escape reality and be happy, even if for one fleeting moment. To answer your second question, it’s not the first piece of female clothing I secretly bought.”

“Understood. If you want to, you can go to your bedroom. Sorry for taking some of your time, son. Your mother and I need some time to absorb all this new information.”

I nodded. My parents-daughter talk was over, and I headed upstairs.

Or at least that’s what I was supposed to do. I stopped halfway and sat on the stairs to eavesdrop on anything they said just between them.

I overheard my mother commenting on it for the first time since I left the living room, “Ryūga, this came out of nowhere. I’m not saying I don’t believe him, but this could very well be a teenagerhood-only issue. He’s still growing up, he’s not an adult yet,” to which my father answered, “Darling, we mustn't jump to conclusions so quickly. For now, he must see a psychologist. That is necessary to evaluate whether he really is transgender or not. Heck, I rarely see him this sad. This is the time to act, not to overjudge things. He needs our help because we are the only ones that can give him that support right now. I know you understand that.”

That wasn’t very pleasing to hear from my mother, but I took into consideration the surprise factor of the revelation and came to terms with it. I was fonder of my father’s position in the matter. When I noticed their talk was over, I entered my room and silently closed the door.