Changing Currents / 変わってる流れ

I turned on the lights and jumped straight onto my bed, maintaining a steady posture.

“What am I going to do now?”

I’m scared. Scared of what will come next.

I stood back up, undressed my uniform, and changed to my normal clothes.

There it was once again. That wretched male school uniform. I glared at it intensely, so much so that if those pieces of clothing were alive, they’d dread me forever.

Why aren’t you a skirt?

Why aren’t you a red ribbon?

Why aren’t there any stockings?

A fraud. That’s how I felt looking at them each time they stood in front of me. I couldn’t stand them. But even more than that, I hated my own body.

Incongruent.

Incompatible.

Dissonant.

I couldn’t stand it. The very sight of it disgusted me.

Mirrors disgusted me. Not because they reflected what stood right in front of them, no. But because they were a reflection of reality. They were reality.

Inescapable.

Cruel.

Merciless.

I couldn’t stand it.

I kicked the wall where the hanger was. Where my uniform was.

I kicked it harder.

Why won’t you just disappear? Why?

“Disappear! Disappear!!! DISAPPEAR!!!”

I kicked it until I could no more.

The uniform had fallen. But that wall—free of any guilt, free of any spirit, thoroughly emotionless—still stood there. I pressed my foot against it. Crying, I uttered, “Why… why me”.

Upon hearing the noise, my mother came upstairs to ask if everything was okay.

“Yes, it’s… alright.”

Having satisfied her curiosity as to what exactly had just happened inside that bedroom, she headed back to the kitchen.

Exhausted, I walked to my bed and let my body fall naturally onto it.

I picked up my phone. It vibrated intermittently multiple times once I connected to a stable wi-fi. Those were none other than Yokoyama’s private messages she sent me. It read as this:

“Hi Ishida”

“How are you?”

“Is someone there?”

“OMG don’t tell me you fell asleep. Idiot”

“Wait”

“Maybe you were kidnapped by your crush” followed by a smirk emoji.

“Now that I think of it, that’d be a nice shoujo or romance manga plot point”

I truly appreciated her silly messages—they shone a light on my darkness.

In spite of that, I was a bit shocked at it. Not because she had sent so many messages, but instead because she had surprisingly good monologue skills.

I recovered my composure and typed an answer.

“Hi Yokoyama, I’m fine. What about you?”

“By the way, I didn’t fall asleep or was kidnapped. Not everyone is online 24/7, you know?”

She was quick to answer.

“Sorry, I was simply worried about my newly found friend. By the way, I added you to the group chat”

“Say, do you read manga?”

To which I responded:

“Yeah I do, why are you asking?”

She told me about her best manga recommendation, “I’ve been reading this amazing romcom manga, but I don’t remember its name now,” which prompted a reply from me.

“Seriously? You’re pretty forgetful. I can’t find it without any info, hence I can’t read it”

She rapidly retorted with an unamused emoji:

“Don’t be so quick to judge me, I remember the author’s name”

“It’s the same as the region in Chuo ward where we both live”

“Akasaka”

“What a coincidence,” I thought.

“I see”

“I’ll make sure to check it out tomorrow, maybe they have it on sale in the bookstore”

That sentence marked the end of our small chat.

“This woman… I can’t believe she doesn’t know the name. Still, I’ll give it a try I guess.”

I sat on my chair in front of my desktop computer and started browsing the internet.

An hour later, my mother was calling me to go downstairs, as it is with pretty much every day, since—

“Yuki, it’s dinner time! Come down here and sit at the table!”

“Yes, I’ll be there in no time!”

When all three of us were united at the same table, awaiting the sign to start eating, we all declared in unison, “Thanks for the meal!”, and started our final meal of the day.

“Yum, this spaghetti is superb! Your cooking is always so good, mom,” I denoted the quality of the main dish.

“So, Yuki, how was this first day like?”, my mother asked, casually ignoring my compliments, as those came out of my mouth pretty often.

“Well… most of my classmates from last year are still in my class this time, plus I met one of my new classmates. She seems like a nice girl, honestly.”

“Is that so? Do you like her?”

“Yes, as a frie—”

“Are you two dating?”

“As a friend,” I reiterated.

“So she’s not your girlfriend?”

I let out a bored sigh. It was far from the first time my parents assumed a girl I was friends with was my girlfriend.

“She isn’t!”

“Alright. Sorry for assuming. It’s just you never had a girlfriend, and I'm starting to think you have no interest in girls.”

“Mom. Please stop. Dad, you should manifest yourself against her dating delusions.”

He let out a casual laugh.

“Rika, you’re encouraging him to keep talking instead of eating.”

“Oh. My bad. Let’s all get back to eating.”

That spaghetti bolognese was delicious. When I finished eating everything, I walked into my bedroom again.

The sky was now completely dark—it was past 10 PM. I was lying in my bed with only my bedside light on. I unlocked the phone to give my definitive goodbyes to Yokoyama for today, however, she reached out to me first. With a call. Yes, exactly. A phone call. What was so important that needed to be communicated through voice rather than text?

“Hello? Yokoyama here.”

“I know.”

“Sorry for calling you so late at the night, but I saw something in the class group chat, and I thought you needed to know this.”

“Well, I have no idea what it is that want to show me, as I didn’t bother to check it.”

“I also assumed you hadn’t checked it yet.”

“So, what is it?”

“There are rumors that a new student will join our class tomorrow.”

“A transfer student? Hmm, interesting. I guess that’s as far as the rumor goes.”

“Unfortunately, yeah. Anyhow, we won’t have to wait much longer.”

“Do you believe it?”

“I do.”

“It’s just a rumor at the end of the day. For all we know, it could be in a different class or even a complete lie.”

“We’ll see who’s right tomorrow.”

“Yes, yes.”

As I was tired, I sought to end the call quickly.

“Goodnight.”

“Night!”

I put my mobile device aside and stared at the ceiling, as white and serene as ever.

Slowly but steadily, a singular crystalline droplet slipped through a minuscule crack in the ceiling’s undisturbed tranquillity.

Detached from the barrier holding it hostage, it fell. Consistent with its vertical trajectory, pushed by gravity, carrying the weight of a sextillion molecules, it sped towards my leg, cutting through the peaceful air. Except, when it crash-landed on my leg, when it was split to tiny specks, right when it hit my lower thigh, I—

I suddenly lost footing. In the blink of an eye, my room disappeared and the void it left behind was instantly flooded with limpid oceanic water. Submerged in that infinite immensity, I reopened my eyes. Much to my surprise, my eyesight was the same and I lacked the need to breathe, so I could stay in there as long as I’d like to. My safe haven. Isolated from the outside world.

I stared at the surface. It was lit by a mysterious glowing body of hydrogen and helium. Was it the Sun? I was too immersed in that soft sea of blue to notice.

Abruptly, an intense cone of light bearing similarities to a ray of sunlight shone on me, as if highlighting or pointing at me. I closed my eyes and covered them with my arm to defend myself. Shortly after, when I reopened them, that distinct light had grown weaker.

As I turned to my right, I spotted an arm stretching out to me, perhaps looking to establish contact. Having taken notice of it, I outstretched mine in hopes of grabbing that hand. Despite swimming as fast as I could, the moment I was about to touch fingers, I found myself back in my waterless bedroom. Unplugged from the matrix.

“What was that?”, I wondered. I knew it wasn't real, but still, was any of it true? Eventually, I turned off the light and fell asleep.