Stop Making That Face

“Hadiza?” I can hear Mom’s voice faintly over my music.

But instead of answering her, I turn up the volume.

♫~Dance! Dance! Dance! Fever, fever, fever! ~♫

“Hadiza?” she tries again, but I keep my eyes glued to the laces of my sneakers and tapping my foot to the beat.

♫~Come on, come on! Dance! Dance! Dance! Till you can’t no more! Oh, oh! ~♫

“Hadiza Hara, I know you can hear me.” Mom snaps in a snake like hiss.

With a pucker of my lips, I pull my eyes from shoes. “Yeah?”

“Take the earphones out. I’m trying to speak to you.”

♫~Come on, come on! Dance! Dance! Dance!---I pull a single earphone out. “Yeah?”

“Both, Hadiza.” Mom stares me down with her common, ‘I’ll murder you with one of my best kitchen knives’ look.

“Huff.” I heave a short breath and fold my arms over my chest. “Yes?”

Mom glances around the quiet clinic, bouncing her eyes from the receptionist to the other patients in the waiting area. “Stop making that look, everyone can see you looking like you’re ready to murder someone.”

“I’m not the one looking like that,” I scoffed and settling my butt further into the uncomfortable seat. Which, amazingly, the seat wasn’t the only thing was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable fluorescent buzzing lights, uncomfortable elevator waiting room music, and absolutely everything thing else in the clinic was uncomfortable. And clinic was a nice word to describe a place that felt like a prison.

“Hadiza, I’m serious.” Mom nudges me. “I know you don’t want to be here.”

That was an understatement.

I tighten my arms over my chest. I can feel Mom drill her gaze into me.

“…But maybe you need to be here. Maybe you have to talk your feelings and sort things out. It was really traumatic what you went through. Your mind needs some time to heal.”

D-D-Do you like Pina Colada? And getting caught in the rain?

Time to heal? Funny, I wonder when I could have that when there were voices in my head.

“You understand what I’m trying to say, Hadiza?”

“Yeah, Mom.” I turn my eyes back to my sneakers.

And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne~ooooh!

I pressed my eyes together tight for a long blink. How stupid could I be to think that this would be over just because they went quiet for one moment?

Do you like Pina Colada? Do you like Pina Colada? Do you like Pina Colada?

Just as stupid as these voices, that’s how stupid I have to be.

“Okay,” Mom replied. “Well, if you say you understand I’m going to believe you.”

I sigh. “Sure. Can I go back to my music now?”

“You can go back to your music.” She gives me a pressed lip smile.

I puff a deep, long breath and quickly stuff my earphones back into my ears. I don’t get why I do though. It’s not like the music can block the sound of a bunch of disembodied voices screaming, crying, and singing in my head.

“Hara-san?” I look over to the glass receptionist desk. A woman dressed in a white nurse uniform looks right at us.

♫~I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go, just know that you won’t be alright. I don’t wanna go. Ooooo ~♫

“The Dr. Rina Satori is ready to see you,” the woman finishes with a smile.

“Yes.” Mom eagerly grabs her purse and bounces up from her seat. “Come on, Hadiza.”

♫~Yeah, I said I don’t wanna go! Don’t make me goooo!~♫

The music was right. I didn’t wanna go.

I swallow rocks.

I already know what the diagnoses is. My brain is broken.

I’m broken.

“Hadiza.” Mom impatiently beckons me with her hands. “Come get up, let’s go.”

God, I hate her when she’s like this. She’s a mixture of clingy, scared, and emotionally taxing. I get it’s understandable why she is, I’m freak right now. But still doesn’t make it any less annoying.

“I’m coming.” I push up from my seat, dragging my feet over to the counter.

“Hello.” Mom clutches her purse straps. She’s trying her best not to look nervous, but she’s been jittery ever since we stepped in.

She keeps looking over shoulder for a familiar face and to determine if I’m still in one piece normal and alive.

“Hi there.” The woman has perfect sparkling teeth. “The Shinomura clinic welcomes you.”

“Thank you.” Mom nods.

“Now, since she’s a new patient, Yuna-san, I will have you fill out the rest of these last few documents out---.” She stops to hand Mom some more paperwork. “While you Hadiza-san can go ahead to see the Doctor.”

“Oh…?” Mom knots her brows as she skims through the heavy packet. “More papers? I thought we filled them all out?”

“They’re just some final papers we need you to confirm.”

♫~Don’t make me goo! You shouldn’t make me goo!~♫

“NDA?” Mom peers wide eyed at the woman. “What will we be needing a NDA for?”

“Oh, that’s just formal procedure.” She smiles wider.

Mom glances from the stack to the woman. “Is it?”

“Yes,” she says with rapid blinks. “Now, Hadiza-san you can go ahead to see the doctor.”

“…Sure.” I take my headphones out and stuff them into my skirt pocket.

“It’s just back there.” She sits up to point to a long black hallway.

The hallway looks like a long dark tunnel to nowhere. Which is weird, considering the waiting room is bright and light with calming pictures of nature and scenery on the walls.

“Down there?” I glance back to the receptionist.

“Down there.” I can see the whites of all of her teeth.

“You’ve got this, honey.” Mom gives me a reassuring pat before scooping up her packet and sitting back down in the waiting area.

Don’t go down there. Last time I went through a alley that dark I never come back out.

I gulp again. Sure, I’ve got this.

Taking slow measured steps, I walked into the darker half of the clinic. As I walked, I felt the temperature shift as goosebumps on my skin. With push forwards, the cool draft of air brushed past me.

It’s just a stupid clinic. A mental clinic. I know that.

My mouth grows dry.

I know that.

I just need to get this over with and I can go home.

I made it to the end of the hall, and faced with a black door.

I hate to admit it only worsened my anxiety. Should the door be closed? She knows I’m supposed to be coming. And should the door be this large and overbearing? I thought psychologists offices were supposed to be inviting and not make you feel anxious and freaked.

“Ahem.” I cleared my throat, my hands feeling sorts of sweaty and heavy.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Um, hello? Dr. Rina Satori?”

“Just a moment!” I heard a woman respond from beyond the doors.

Scchf! Thud! Tssh!

There was the sound of shuffling and footsteps running around.

Clitter! Clang! Bam!

I scrunched my eyes together. What in the world is going on there?

My head went to the door and back to the way I came. “Um…Is everything alright in---.”

---SOB. SOB. I JUST WANNA GO HOME!

One of the loudest voices I’ve heard yet in my head punches me hard.

HOME! LET ME GO HOME! WHY AM I STUCK HERE? WHY?

“Ow.” I have to blink a few times before my head eases from the noise. “Geez, why don’t you all just shut up.” I rub my temples, reeling from the whiplash.

“Who shut up?”

I gather my sight. “What the---.” I fumble back, words impossible to finish.