Episode Ten

Darkness surrounded me and yet I could see myself. I don’t know if that’s my own soul lighting it up - or what’s left of it, I suppose - and there was a sort of calm to it that it didn’t bother me as much as it should. I still held on to the clothes in my arms. I held my phone and charger - somehow my phone retained its charge, as though nothing happened.

Some time in this void, I didn’t have any more footing. I just floated around the emptiness for possibly eons or seconds… it’s so hard to tell. My head felt light. Have you had that feeling where you are so relaxed, you forgot why you were so anxious? Why you were so depressed? Why anything was felt at all…?

A couple of bells rang, and I could hear it echo.

I have always joked about the void. I have always imagined what the void was. Now that I was in it, any sense of fear or shock had long since waned on - had I even felt anything?

The void was endless and it was deep. Yet, there was a feeling that it was shallow and enclosed it. It was everything and it was nothing. If I had said anything, I don’t know if it would even reach my ears. I don’t know anything. I don’t feel anything.

I remember I read some studies somewhere - but I don’t remember too well - that depression is like this. Oh, but they’re wrong. Depression made me feel weighted. It made me anxious. It made me think. It made me move into overdrive. It drove me and it stopped me. It did so much to me that I’ve convinced myself that there’s no way it would lie to me… even though it did lie to me over and over. Over and over and over. Over and over.

And every time I believed it.

But here, there is nothing. I… No words.

I close my eyes and I hear bells echo again.

It didn’t hurt me. In fact, it was more soothing than it probably should be. Normally, bells annoyed me and grated my ears. I really only preferred the wind chimes back when I visited my grandparents’ place somewhere out there, I don’t remember where. We buried them after a while in my young life. I remember feeling sad and I remember the etiquette we were supposed to do. The money being dropped in the box that was used.

Bells rang again.

And yet, the bells brought me to another nostalgic moment. I kept my eyes closed and I remember when I first met Chloe. I was more hateful then. I don’t know how she saw through me. She was very surprised at how quiet I was and treated me like a shy animal more so than the one you should be afraid of. She was kind to me. She was patient with me. She was more patient than I was towards her and she still greeted me with a smile.

I never left my room except for food and bathroom.

When the bells rang again, they became louder.

Oh, I remember I had a mental breakdown when my mother called me to scold me again.

I forgot why she scolded me at that time - but she had to scold me before she would ask my dad to send me rent. I remember I made a mess in my room because I was so angry and, for some reason, I decided to take myself outside the room. I don’t remember what I did to cause Chloe to worry for me but she held me as I cried.

I cried and I cried. She was calm and comforting and I was disgusted.

Bells rang once more - getting louder now.

But every single time I cried, she was calm and comforting. And slowly, a misplaced flower slowly bloomed into someone who could stand being outside the room for a while longer than before. And slowly, a misplaced bird, I could start feeling myself fly again - fly into the arms of my art again - but it’s so hard.

“No, no, no,” cried out a demonic voice.

Then, I remembered everything. Everything flashed in my head - the body pillow, Chloe’s face, the fear, the anger, the hurt… everything.

“You filthy, filthy NEET! Do you really think you deserve someone like her?”

I tried to search for the source of the voice but I wasn’t totally surprised when I couldn’t. I brought up my phone and the light only extended to how far my own light did.

No reception, as expected. I wasn’t sure why I checked...

“Don’t you dare ignore me! How dare you! Do you know how rude it is to be on your phone while having a conversation? Then again, what can I expect from a NEET? People like you, no, no, filth like you don’t have any manners. Of course! How can I expect any better from filth like you?”

Then I realized I was trying to ignore them - and I still was trying - but they continued anyway.

“Disgusting NEETs who only care about their animated women. Disgusting. You don’t care how you treat people. You don’t care about anyone but your sick, carnal pleasures.”

That couldn’t be me - and especially coming from a succubus, that really couldn’t be me!

“Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to even show up in such a manner? Do you know how low someone like me had to go to pleasure you lot? Awful. Disgusting. Honestly, you guys should just kill yourselves instead of letting us take your life force. Do you know what you even taste like? Have you ever seen the bottom of the dumpster where melted food rots for months on end? That’s gourmet food compared to you!”

The bells rang again but much, much louder than before. It hurt the succubus so much so that it hissed once again in pain. I curl up in a ball to protect myself because I suddenly felt a wind rush past me. I felt something sharp graze my back and it hurt! I tried to hold my screams in - I don’t know how much I’m bleeding, if I was at all, but I ‘hold on’ to myself and the bells that still rang in spite of my current pain.

“UGH! THAT INSOLENT SOUND! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BLESS YOUR ROOM!” More and more scratches and I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt too much - I screamed in so much pain as the scratches and claws only caused the bells to ring more and more. “You don’t deserve the right to exist! Do you know how many people are suffering because of your existence! Thousands! Hundreds! Millions! But because you exist, you filthy NEET, you cause so much pain around you!

“You are so angry for literally no reason and it would’ve been so perfect - so ripe! - to snag your life force and to erase your existence! Oh, seriously, stop that insufferable sound!”

The bells kept ringing and eventually, I could feel a shell - one with a stronger force - surround me and protect me. I don’t understand why these bells are trying to protect me. While that demon isn’t one hundred percent correct, I can agree with that there are many more that could benefit me without my existence. I think about the girl I laughed at the grocery store - if I hadn’t laughed at her, she probably wouldn’t feel worse about herself. If I hadn’t thought about how miserable she should be, she… I… would feel better… I don’t understand why I’m like this.

I want to be better. I don’t want to think like that anymore. I-I’m scared.

I’m too late, aren’t I? People always say you’re never too late, but this time, I really am. I pushed it too far… No, I think I understand why this body pillow was sent to me now.

All I do is think bad of people. I was worse before and I depended on Chloe so much to be my better half that I would think I’m better now because of her… And sure, she did influence me a lot but… but…

No. All I do is think bad of people and myself. I deserve this. I deserve to have my life force stolen. All I do is stay in my room and say that I don’t want to draw anymore because of everyone else - no… no… I gave up so easily…

I hate this! I just want to draw!! I want to draw all my ideas! I want my dragon comic! I want to draw my dragon comic! But how can I draw when I know no one likes it? What’s the point? No one reads everything! No one looks at every single piece of art! How would they look at my crappy work when the only person who would even think to look at it was me?

I don’t understand! People say draw for fun but I can’t draw if no one looks at it! I can’t connect to others without showing my art and even if I do show it, it’s not good enough! It’s never good enough!! What is the point of being an artist if no one looks at my art??!

I grab my head as it starts to throb in pain. Everything hurts now…!!! I just want to draw. I just want to create a story about the daily lives of dragons and how cute they can be! I want to show people their cute adventures!! But no one would read it!! They’ll look at crappier art and guzzle it down but if someone puts in the effort, they call me a show-off! They call me a try-hard!! No one appreciates it!! NO ONE APPRECIATES MY ART AND IT HURTS!! I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO CONNECT TO!!!!

Ah, but why do my bells keep ringing?!! Why do I keep feeling stronger?!!! Why can’t I hear what the demon is saying anymore?!!!!

Violent tears stream down my face as I feel the usual urge to hit my head but something seemed to grab my hand but my tears kept going.

I don’t understand why I felt this way… All I ever wanted to do is connect people to my art. I want people to feel comforted with my cute dragons that maybe people can relate to and enjoy. Maybe they can find happiness in their own daily lives because… because… daily life has a lot of excitement... When you go shopping - sure you know what you’re getting, but you could find a really nice snack to try. When you walk around the city or town, you can see all the different faces and styles.

I don’t understand why I felt this way… All I ever wanted to do is connect people to my art.

To Be Continued…