Episode Eleven

“And create art, you shall. If that’s all you wanted to do, you should just do it!”

I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes before me - there, floating with me, was a version of me that I imagined so many times. So many times, I honestly can’t even remember a time I didn’t imagine this - a version of me that’s healthy, happy, and ready.

Their hair was shorter than what mine is and their clothes were casual, sure, and probably something I already owned but I could tell it was different. There was a different air that they had… that I didn’t have; that I wished to have.

The pain from the claws of the demon seeped into my brain where everything went numb but I was still shocked to see them before me. They had something on their face I never thought I would see on me - a smile. A confident smile.

“How…” I somehow manage to say, “How can you say that?” I don’t know if my voice carried over in this void. I don’t hear anymore hissing. The bells sound soft again but I still hear them - they make sure they know I hear them. It eventually became a comfort. “How can you say I can just create art?”

A sharp jolt of pain went through my body and I hastily closed my eyes. It hurt so bad… It hurt so bad… I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this…

I could hear the other me laugh. However, it annoyed me because it was a laugh that I wish I had - not the mean and condescending one I developed over the years. However, in this void, I couldn’t feel annoyed. Was I annoyed because I had to be? Was I annoyed because I forced myself? These questions plagued my mind as I tried to focus away from the pain. I don’t know if there was any blood that was coming out and I didn’t know if I was going to survive this.

I felt myself grab me. I was probably at a weird angle because I felt myself straighten up. Oh, the pain seared through me and it burned so much! It hurt and my body was an already bent straw - there was no way I was going to properly straighten up after that. It was then that I noticed something different about the other me - besides the fact it was another me - that they glowed brighter than I did. But they’re me, aren’t they? Why are they glowing brighter than me?

“It really is that easy. You pick up your pencil and just draw. There’s nothing deep about it. There’s no profound meaning to it. I know you want to find meaning in your work. I know you feel sad when people don’t look at it… but people do look at it.”

Something like frustration crawled up my throat and covered my words. “How do you know?! What would you know? You’re not me! I can never be you! You can’t know these things! You can’t understand! If you’re me, then you’ll know why people will never look at it!”

“Because you don’t tell people about it. Do you expect everyone to read your mind?”

Such a sharp response but I try to be quicker. However, nothing came out of my mouth. Just growls of some frustration and I just look away. It was then I noticed that there was a stream of light connecting me to them.

I follow the connection and saw that we really were one and the same - but why are they so confident? Why are they confident?

“Look, it’s really hard to make art. We both know that - but we both have something in us that we need to share. You want to do that story about dragons, right?”

Slowly, I nod. I would feel embarrassed that even I would call myself out like this - but this void seems to stop myself from feeling anything. I just looked at myself with indifference.

“More than anything, people like us have to do things twice as hard. It’s even more challenging when we’re nonbinary. Not only do we have to prove we have the right to exist as we are, but not to be swayed by anyone else’s expectations. It’s cruel out there, isn’t it? Mom and Dad, well, more so Mom, never really understood us. She didn’t bother to try.

“She couldn’t wait to get rid of us, but you don’t need me to remind you. You’re still reminded of that every time you call her, huh? So… you know what we need to do? We need to create our own world where we’re accepted. We need to create a world of lovely dragons. It’s a story we can tell, right? Only our voices can tell it that way and it’s only by our hand that we can draw that story.”

I listened. Without any hesitation, I listened. They came out of nowhere, but that would be a lie to think, wouldn’t it? They are me. They are saying things I only wish I could’ve said years ago when I first moved out of my parents' house. Or, maybe even then. But it’s too lat--

“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s too late, isn’t it? Maybe it’s not as planned but things hardly ever go as planned, don’t they? After all, you didn’t plan to have a succubus attack us!”

“Then, why are you here?”

They smiled gently as they held my hand tighter. They reached over with their other hand and grabbed my other hand. I was forced to look at the me that would probably never come but… a warm sensation overfilled me as we stood there silently. Was it confidence? Was it love? Was this what’s called ‘self-love’? Probably not… If I loved myself, would I be in this predicament?

“I’m here because you want to protect yourself. You’re putting yourself in so much strife for nothing. I’m here to remind you of what you are and who you are. You are an artist who is hurting for nothing. Have you truly accepted yourself as an artist?”

“I… don’t work on my art every day. I… probably lost my ability to draw.”

“Have you, really? You have the heart of an artist. For all else, trust your imagination.”

“W-well, about that…Y-You should know how bad it--”

“Oh! You know what I mean! Don’t be nasty!”

I let out a sigh. I should trust myself, huh?

“You’re the only one who knows your imagination. I know we love creating. We are creators. We can’t let a succubus try to erase our existence - we have so much art to create!”

“But I hurt people. I’ve probably hurt Chloe… a lot…I-I don’t intend to hurt her but I can’t seem to stop!”

“We’re humans. We hurt each other whether we intend to or not. What you need to do is to be better. You need to grow. Trust yourself. And if you can’t, trust me that believes in you.”

“But you’re me…”

They just smiled and we touched foreheads as we seemed to melt into each other. The pain seared in and out throughout our conversation but as I touched them, the pain had gotten less and less. Once we touched foreheads, there was a blinding light that enveloped me further and… weirdly enough, I became stronger.

So much so that I could feel myself transform into something strange and the bells started to ring louder and louder. Suddenly, I realize I’m a dragon, made out of light that glowed up the area. There was a red ribbon around my neck and at the center of the ribbon were the spiritual bells that the priests had given me. They rang and they rang but they didn’t sound like small bells anymore - instead, they sounded like the large temple bells one would ring during a New Year’s trip.

Within that light, I emitted enough to show off where I’m at and it surprised me to see that I was in my room still. I don’t know what ‘I’ gave the power to myself too but once they told me to trust them… and I did… that’s when I transformed. Maybe this was my true form all along - a big glowy dragon.

I saw the succubus trying to hide under my bed. There was minimal light in my room but it was enough for me to parse where everything was. I was translucent so even if I wanted to knock things over, I couldn’t. I heard Chloe still trying to get in my room and terrified for me. Desperate to help me and I finally could feel emotions again. How long was she there?

And the first thing I did was cry.

And I cried. And I cried. I cried in a way that I hadn’t since I was a baby. I trusted my mother to take care of me and she did. She didn’t understand why her cute little baby is non-binary. She didn’t understand why her cute little baby became a disgusting NEET. And I was trusting Chloe like I would my mother… when the whole time, I should be trusting the adult me.

“S-STOP! STOP STOP STOP!” The succubus begged as she hissed as she crawled out. I didn’t realize my cries were similar to the bells ringing because it hurt her the same. She eventually crawled out from under my bed and I could finally see her - she was really beautiful, even for a demon. She had long, black, wavy hair that reached down to her waist, her horns stuck out of her head and it seemed to curl inward - wouldn’t that hurt? She managed to get out from under the bed and stood up.

She really seemed to have the ‘perfect’ proportions I’ve seen men argue about and she had all the features of a beautiful and desirable woman … just in demon form. The anger that I had that this demon decided to pick a body pillow to steal my life force… and then to insult me in my own room allowed me to finally stop crying and get angry.

I ignored her and yelled at her so many curses that it jumbled out as roars of a dragon. Along with the roars, my bells rang harder and she recoiled further and almost went towards the door. How long has Chloe been knocking at the door? How long was I in the void?

“I SAID STOP!! LOOK, I’M SORRY I’M SORRY!!!” she begged as she huddled herself in pain. She really seemed to be in pain, but no way was I going to relent! She hurt me! She insulted me! Worse of all, she threatened Chloe! The insults hurt more than I realized - did anyone really liked being compared as worse than garbage? She stole my life force! I need it back! I promised… did I promise? Did I make a promise to myself to live long?

I… I don’t remember the exact conversation we just had.

It was like my consciousness was asleep for a long time and then I woke up in my new dragon body. She was begging and about to be in tears but I just inched closer to her, still roaring. I wouldn’t let up for a moment - she had me sleep for two days!! She had me feeling like I deserved to be zapped out of existence! Why should I show her any kindness towards me when she never showed any in the first place?

Every step I made had her tremble in fear. I don’t know what I could physically do to her - I could roar, I could move my bells, but I don’t know what I could do. I… felt powerful, it was almost a little overwhelming. But I also knew that I couldn’t stay in this form for very long - so if I were to do something, it should be quick and swift.

Just as I raise my arm, I see a black ball envelope the succubus and then I see a different figure. I lower my arm and then I could feel myself float back down and everything in my room was back to normal.

The pain was still there but the figure still stood where they were. My head pounded and I felt ‘fuller’ than I did before. Including the fact that I didn’t sleep the previous night, or previous nights even, it really caught up to me how heavy I felt. I felt like I was carrying a burden.

The figure walked closer to me and I was immediately put off by the fact they wore shoes in my apartment. I was trying to look at them up quickly but they had a stern look about them. They had really big red eyes and blond shaggy hair. They wore a black turtleneck with jeans and some sneakers I couldn’t tell its brand. They didn’t have horns like the succubus did - I could still hear her crying in the dark shadow ball she was enveloped in. Then… I started to feel a little bad… I really hadn’t meant to scare her that bad but she did and said bad things to me…!!!

The figure then smiled brightly, showing me their bright and shiny and very sharp teeth. They had their arms crossed but moved them to place them on their sides.

“Oh, you’re just an average human!” They… almost seemed surprised. “How quaint. I’m surprised you’re able to take down Guia so quickly.”

Was that her name? She sobbed and screamed something to them in response. I continued to feel bad. They didn’t even seem to flinch.

“Well, Guia gave you back your life force but you left her pretty frazzled. Maybe I should really talk to Mazed about this ‘dakimakura’ business after all…Hm.” They brought their hands up to a quizzical look. They rambled on as though I understood what they meant.

‘Dakimakura’ business? What?

They finally looked down to me and then bent down to meet my eye level.

“On behalf of Zekon - that’s me, Mazed, and Guia, I would like to thoroughly apologize for what happened. Guia had lost sight of what we’re supposed to stand for and it seems that she forced your inner self to emerge. Not only that, she stole something that was rightfully yours. I’ve mentioned she gave it back but I also gave you some more extra years to live. I hope this can make up for what happened!”

I… what?

“You don’t have to worry about any more incidents like this happening ever again. This is the wrong realm to come to, after all. You’re meant for a simple life, right?”

I couldn’t answer - I just felt exhausted. The more they talked, the more tired I felt. I tried really hard to absorb what’s going on around me.

“Heh. I imagine transforming into something like that… it’s a sight, a feeling you wouldn’t forget, would you? Here. Just go to sleep. I’ll visit your friend and everything will be okay. Just go back to sleep… There you go.”

.x.

When I woke up, I was annoyed. My alarm went off and I had missed some messages from Mom. She wanted to talk to me about something important and I should call her right away.

I sighed. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. I don’t know what happened the night before, but I woke up on the floor in the middle of my room in the middle of the night. I moved to my bed for the rest of the night and I felt very comfortable.

There had been evidence of fighting and from what I could remember - I remember… there was a stranger in my room trying to steal something very important to me. And I remember there were Shinto priests in my room for some reason.

A ...youkai? That’s probably it. It’s said that youkai tends to mess your overall energy up and, honestly, and it’s weird to say, but I feel fresh. I feel energized.

I looked through my phone for my mom’s name and called the number. As it rang, I realize that I hadn’t used the bathroom and brushed my teeth and I instantly regretted it. I probably should’ve waited until after I did those things before I called her.

“Oh, I’m surprised you got my messages.”

“What is it, Mom? I already turned in the rent.”

“I just wanted to tell you that… last night I had a dream about your grandmother. We were at her house like we usually did when you were younger but I could only find her. She told me not to worry about you and not to be so harsh on you. She… really stressed how troubled you were all alone in the big city… And I never really realized how scared you must’ve been out on your own.

“What I’m saying is… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so harsh on you growing up and even now. I suppose it’s my nature as a tough mother and a tough woman to make sure you children are growing up properly.”

I was surprised as I was touched. I accepted her apology and I found it strangely easier to apologize to her as well for being such a rebellious kid. I don’t want to remember all the things I’ve done to make her worry and even now. I used to blame her for why I’m such a child still but even in this early morning, I could feel myself becoming more aware of the world around me.

We talked for a little bit longer - it felt a bit awkward for us to even apologize but I’m glad we did. She still didn’t understand non-binary, but it really sounded she was trying. And that’s all I wanted - I probably don’t even have everything right myself but with her apologizing, it made me feel a lot better. And it made me more sure of myself.

After I hung up, I went to do my usual chores. I found myself having more energy to do them which surprised even myself. But I did it.

When Chloe came home, we talked about what happened yesterday. For her, all she knew was that I disappeared even though my door was locked. Then a strange man, or someone she assumed to be a man, coming out of my room and explained to her that I had received a faulty product. He must’ve come in somehow, she wasn’t too sure about it but she then asked me how I felt.

I told her the truth - I honestly did not remember a lot from yesterday. I did have scratches on my back that couldn’t be explained but they didn’t hurt. She suggested I go to the clinic but they didn’t hurt so I told her I would at least think about it.

But then, I asked her if she was still open to the idea of us drawing together. I don’t know.

Suddenly, I felt like drawing.

To Be Continued…