I Shouldn't Have Said That

Home was boring: laying in bed, playing mindless mobile games, watching mindless videos. I just wanted my computer back so I didn't constantly feel so empty. With it I could make myself only occasionally feel empty.

And so when Jessica sent her text, I jumped on it immediately. "When do you want to meet to practice?" she asked.

"I dunno what about Montana," I responded.

"He said he doesn't feel comfortable."

I was a little bummed. The selfish, gossipy part of me honestly wanted to hear him speak. Not to mention it was a little frustrating that he was going to make us do extra work. But it was just something I had to live with. "Ok," I finally typed.

"Can you meet Monday after school?"

"Yeah"

And so there it was. Monday rolled around and I found myself facing down another awkward day of boring classes and misgenderings. Back then, I didn't ever think I would use that word unironically.

Jessica told me that we should meet in the lunchroom. When I got there, she was waiting at a table, her slender body laid out on the floor like a winding road.

"Do you have a laptop or something?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Darn. We can use our phones then."

I nodded. I brought up the presentation on my device and leaned it against a napkin holder. We stood on opposite sides.

"I can start," she said. "Hello, this is our presentation on the National Allegiance, which is an American Neo-nazi organization."

I paused, not knowing what I was supposed to say. I looked at the far away screen. "Uh—so it was founded in 1974 in West Virginia. It was formed from George Wallace's youth wing. And uh…" I took another look at the slides. "In 2002, the founder, Willian Pierce, died. And uh—"

"Did you practice at all?" Jessica interrupted, bewildered.

"Uh, no? I thought that's what we were doing right now," I defended.

Jessica mimed a circle with her head. She was obviously annoyed. "You really thought you were going to memorize right now?"

"Memorize?" I balked.

"Uh yeah? You can't read the slides while you're looking at the classss," Jessica hissed, sticking out her tongue. She chose not to acknowledge it. "Not to mention we barely have anything written on them."

I rolled my eyes. "You're taking this way too seriously."

"I want a good grade," Jessica said, literally baring her fangs. I wasn't sure if it was intentional, but it felt like a threat.

Instead of putting me off, it set me off. "Chill!" I exclaimed.

"Chill? About what, exactly? Wanting to get a good grade?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess!" I said, exasperated.

"Some of us actually have ambitions, Noel."

"Wha—?!" I stammered. "Like what, going to Harvard and joining a sorority?"

"Like getting into a good school so that I can become a doctor and not—" she cut herself off, shaking her head.

"Not what?" I prodded.

"Whatever," she murmured. "You need to practice tonight on your own, and we can do it as a pair tomorrow," she said through gritted fangs again.

"That's probably why people are afraid of you," I said with my own venom.

But instead of returning the favor, she quivered. She hung her head in submission. "You're a jerk," she croaked. It sounded like she was about to cry. I wondered if snakes could.

My gut dropped. A battle between sorrow and anger raged in my heart. "I'm just real," I said without a proper comeback.

She slithered off.