Chapter 3:

It's Fine Being Hypocritical Sometimes

How to Get Motivated


I was currently standing in the line in front of the cafeteria counter, waiting for my turn to come.

The season was still in the middle of the spring and it was not weird that it started pouring down during the last period. Since I would not be able to go to the back of the school and it had no signs of stopping yet, I decided to eat in the cafeteria once in a while.

There were more people here than usual. I arrived and lined up here as quickly as I could but many tables were taken already, and some secured seats for their friends who went to the line.

I doubt there would be enough seats for the late people.

“A set for me,” said the student before me, and the auntie on the counter adeptly gave him his portion. The auntie soon looked at me, waiting for my order.

“B set.”

"Coming right up," she said as she quickly handed me my lunch, calling out to the next customer. “Next.”

I already marked a few tables earlier where I could seat and I made a beeline to one of those spots. I sat and munched on the vegetables first in silence while I farmed materials in my mobile gacha game.

The tables around me were fully occupied by students yet I was the only person at my table. I was

standing out obviously, but I did not mind their gaze. Some of them probably pitied me for being alone but the important thing in these situations was whether I pitied myself or not.

If you realized that you were in a bad state and strived to be better because of it, that's fine. But if you pitied yourself, then you're basically done for. Why? Because you accepted it already that you were miserable.

To pity someone was to look down on them since you were in better condition. But if you pity yourself, that's just self-derision. You were not in better condition than anyone. It was worse. Once that realization kicked in, it would all be just spiraling downwards.

My situation was certainly not good, but I never pitied myself for it. This was the result of my actions and I was fine this way. And also, one way or another, some people would go to this table if they didn't have enough seats. But instead of a group, only one person came.

“Can I sit here?” The guy who stood there nervously holding his tray of A set lunch and waiting for my response was not a random student now my friend. He was my classmate Hirayama.

“Feel free.”

He sat on the chair, starting to eat his lunch in silence. I did not expect him to speak, I had no responsibility to do either so it was not awkward at all.

"Um... Is that Future Ark?,” Hirayama commented, referring to the game I was playing on my phone.

"Yeah," I said as I tapped on the screen.

"I play that game too... I am also farming in that stage right now," he spoke in ranging volumes, some words were barely audible. "Who's...your favorite unit?”

"Rumina... Who's yours then?"

“Cereul!”

He was enthusiastic. From there, he asked me various things about the game like my base set-up, my base units, how many of those units were already max level, and when I started playing. I didn't know that he could speak this much in something of his passion. I answered all his questions, pitching in a few from my side as well.

My lunch which took longer than normal was about to be empty, and this conversation was going to end too. I picked a proper moment, grabbed my tray, and stood up. "I'll be going then."

"Ah....okay."

"…I'm sorry about yesterday. It was just a momentarily thought I had."

Hirayama looked a little surprised but instead of anything I expected, he smiled. "No, it's fine... Um, can you wait for a bit?"

He quickly swallowed the two eggrolls and vegetables left, finishing in less than a dozen seconds, and picked up his tray as well.

We ended up returning going together, but even as we were already in the hallway, he was still following me. Did he form some attachment or gain a sort of misunderstanding that we were friends now?

“Are we going to the classroom now, Higuchi-san?" he asked, trailing behind me.

"No. I don't like spending the rest of the lunch break there."

"Uh... Can I ask why?"

"...Because I would just be sitting there doing nothing. No point, right?"

"Y-yeah... So where are we going then?"

"Anywhere it would take us." This was one of the pros of being a loner. I could go wherever I want in my free time.

I wandered in the hallway of different buildings, and Hirayama was keen on following me. It was then when he talked to me that we stopped in the ground floor corridor.

"Um... Yesterday, I wanted to confess.”

I listened in silence, staring at the wet garden. Despite apologizing earlier, I could not help to think that it would be fruitless for him to confess. It was impossible for Shizuka to like him unless some unbelievable situation where she was hiding her feelings for him all this time, or if she would take interest in him after rejecting him. Those wouldn't happen in real life, however.

Either way, of all people to confess, Hirayama doing it was idiotic.

“I...had always admired her and even though I know I stand little chance, I would someday regret it if I never confessed to her," Hirayama said, as he held the railings and looked at the garden himself. "I planned to do it before graduation but that was when I met Eita-san and TK-san. They convinced me to confess as soon as possible because it would just burden me with the thought in the long run. Also, I agree that it's better if I confess now.”

His stance on the matter was strange, but I didn't voice out my doubt as I felt it would be answered soon.

"But… She probably would reject you though. I heard she would reject someone she doesn't know."

“It's alright." Although his voice was weak, his tone was certain. "If I confessed and got rejected, that’ll be fine. I won’t have any more regrets… Can you please keep this a secret until I am finished confessing?”

I see… He is not an idiot. I was the only idiot here all along.

Hirayama here resolved himself to confess even if he was going to be rejected and instead of waiting for that time to come, he would rather do it now. He was more realistic than I thought, and here I was assuming his head was full of butterflies yesterday.

…But didn't that also mean he had already given up on becoming a couple with her from the very start?

"Hey…" I didn't know why I was disturbed by it. "You like her, right?"

"...Yes."

“How much?”

"Uh…" He was confused by my question but he awkwardly answered anyway. "...I want...to be noticed by her."

“That’s all?” I said as I stared at his eyes covered by his bangs. If it was just admiration, then that’s fine. I would not say anything anymore.

He looked back at me, realizing that I was asking seriously. "...I want to...become his boyfriend. But I know that I don't have the right to become one... I'm not qualified."

He showed a self-derisive smile.

I didn't care about that.

“So you're giving up then?"

On second thought, he might be an idiot after all. His aim was realistic, but he was giving up before even starting.

“If you improve your social skills and if you try to build up a friendly relationship with her instead of confessing your off the bat, you might stand a proper chance."

Do I have the right to tell him this? Isn’t this just hypocritical?

Hiraya answered again.

“Yes. I thought of that before too. But I don't think I will ever be able to do that."

I did not answer that anymore. He obviously put a lot of thought into it, seeing as he was sure of his response. It was his choice to give up, and I didn't have the right to tell him otherwise.

"I see." I placed my arms on the railing further, slouching on it. My frustration was gradually dissipating too as I stared at the garden. The green leaves of the trees were wet and the colorful flowers of different types seemed vibrant as well.

The rain stopped pouring, now was only drizzle.

Few people pass her during this time, and my eyes immediately caught the two students who were heading our way. They were the president and vice president of the student council. I don't know why they are always together at a time like this. It might be that they were dating as the rumor suggested. I did not like this though. Meeting her like this when there were no other people…

"Good afternoon. It's rare seeing you two together. Are you two friends?" Shizuka stopped walking as she greeted us.

If we were in the crowd, she would only smile. But now I had the obligation to answer her in front of Mr. President as he gazed at me.

I glanced at Hirayama, he was standing nervously, straight as a tree. I doubted he could speak right now.

"Yeah. More or less.”

“That's great." She seemed genuinely happy, clapping her hands.

“Let’s go, Sakurai.”

"Yes, President." She turned to us one more time. "We're going now. Keep getting along with each other."

The two hurriedly went, it seemed that they had something urgent to attend to. But as I watched their back, the feeling of inferiority returned. Even if I go all out, I doubted I could reach them. Even the random delinquent guys who saw them stepped to the side and those who saw the scene admired them even more.

Putting them on the pedestal, huh? Do they feel special being treated like that by everyone?

Must be nice having the hallway like it's yours…

However, the next student who was in their way had no signs of going to the side. She headed straight, just walking to their side, I even saw the president glance at her as she passed them.

The girl had green waist-length hair, wearing a jacket over her school uniform. She was a little shorter than me and her strong strides were always full of confidence. The bored look on her face was apparent as always, but when she saw me, it was replaced with a smug smirk.

I could not help but let out a dry smile myself as she stopped near me, leaning one of her hands on the railing. “What were you doing, Satori-san?”

"What do you mean…?" she asked. "Why would I even make way for them?"

"President had his eyes on you earlier though."

“I’m a good student, he can’t do anything to me.”

“Right.”

“…" Satori became silent, noticing Hirayama with me. "Uh... Guess I'll go now. Whatever is happening, good luck, Kotarou-kun.”

She quickly left, probably trying to be considerate. But as I watched her walk away, her back reminded me of the two who went first. Someone I could not reach.

Her words saying "good luck" was stuck in my head though and the sudden feeling of motivation hit me again.

Before I knew it, I was already going after her.

"Hirayama, wait for me here."

"Eh... Okay." His voice contained astonishment but I could not afford to look back right now.

Satori was walking fast, and I had to go even faster to catch up to her. I was half running already when she noticed me and turned back.

"What’s up, you got something you wanna say that you cannot say earlier?" She smiled with her usual smug look.

"Yeah." I panted a little. "If I suddenly...had this selfish desire that I want to encourage and help someone to do something despite it being hypocritical, is it fine?"

She looked at me harder, silent for several moments before she finally spoke.

"I’ve said it many times but we like being vague, huh… It’s fine, I think.”

She didn't know what I was referring to, but this was the norm for us. We were already used to giving affirmations to each other without knowing the exact circumstance.

“It’s fine to be hypocritical. It’s fine to be selfish too sometimes. Just confirm whether he would want your help. I don’t think it’s fine to force someone after all.”

"Yeah. I'll do that." I was glad that she said that since there were times when she would outright disapprove of something. "Thanks, Satori-san. Is it fine if we meet later?"

"Sure," she answered, then her smug smile disappeared for a moment. "So you're really going to do it?"

"I don't know." That was the truth. I was still not 100% sure about this. "I'll try."

“In that case, I hope you succeed," she said, seeming more concerned than usual, which rarely happened.

“Thanks again." I nodded at her, showing my respect. I waited for her and it seemed that she would also go now so we both went our way at the same time.

Hirayama was waiting for me at the same spot in the corridor earlier. I approached him immediately and called out his name.

“Hirayama,” I said.

“Wha-what is it?" he asked, confused again.

“If someone will help you to improve, will you try to confess and aim to become a couple with her, instead of confessing to be rejected?”

"…H-huh...? I-I don't think I can…"

He seemed to back away from the topic, but I was already resolved to fully convey my thoughts to him.

“If you keep doing it this way, you're certain to be rejected. Do you want to give up when there's a chance? 'There's no chance?' You're the only one who decided that. Since you're being realistic with your chance, be realistic in your approach as well. First, aim to become friends with her. Take things slowly, improve your relationship with her, and then when she knows you enough, you can confess to her."

He did not reply, still hesitant. It was not weird. I was also hesitant about this thing myself.

"From what I can see, you are running, and you might still regret it someday. But if you do it this way, you'll be facing it head-on. After you've done your best, whatever the result, you'll regret it less."

"B-but I."

I did not want to say my next words because the amount of confidence and arrogance needed was enormous. They were also the words of an unproductive person. A hypocrite.

But I said them anyway.

I inhaled deeply and told him the most uncertain thing I stated in three years.

"I'll help you do it."

Koyomi
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Cover of How to Get Motivated

How to Get Motivated