You’re Looking Down on Me

The wooden desk basked in the orange sunlight made me feel in trance and my eyelids slowly shut down. My vision was turning black, my consciousness clouded…

I hope classes will end already.

The bell chimed, signifying the end of afternoon class.

Snapping out from my drowsiness, I put my notebook and pencil inside my bag and then watched the teacher take his time to arrange his stuff. Soon as he left, I also walked out of the classroom and headed straight to the entryway to change my shoes and head home.

I changed my footwear, but I had this nagging feeling that I did something wrong. My chest was constricted, and my legs lacked the energy to make proper steps as if I was hesitant to head home. This unpleasant feeling that was all too familiar to me was probably because of me turning back again on my word to do something new.

I had reasons for this. First, I would just be intruding on a club full of people who knew each other already and I lack the confidence to do that. Second, what club would I even join? Third, frankly speaking, the short motivation I had was gone.

Still, the nagging feeling would not disappear, so I turned back and walked around the school building.

My usual hang-out spot, where people rarely come was the side of the storage room. It was placed close to the walls and was effectively one of the most secluded places in the school. While there were plenty of windows overhead from the tall buildings, it was obstructed by the foliage of trees lined up together along the walls.

Fourth reason, it might be better if I talked again to Satori about this first.

I looked at the old bench under one of the trees, but Satori was not present as expected, let alone sitting there. If there was anyone I could call a friend in this school, it would be only her. Our relationship was mostly us talking here in this place, discussing some topics or things about our personal lives. Of course, we would have some small talk too sometimes.

I wouldn’t call her my confidant though, and she wouldn’t consider me as one either. We would talk about our problems and worries, and we would listen, and give opinions and advice to each other. I guess, we’re close in that regard, but that’s all that we were.

Today I would have wanted to talk about my recent attempts and failures. We only meet up here by pre-arrangement or by chance and sometimes, I just need to wait long enough, and she would appear. But even after sitting and waiting on the bench for 10 minutes, no one came.

Thinking that she probably would not come anymore, I got up and walked to the same route I used to go here, one of the places I passed was the back of the gymnasium, where almost no people also frequent to. But as I turned to the corner, I saw a student standing several meters away in the middle of my path.

She was facing away from me, wearing the uniform for girls consisting of a black blazer, and blue skirt and she had long black hair tied in a ponytail. I could not see her face but the way she stood straight gracefully, without a hint of hesitation in her posture made me sure of who she was. I thought of casually passing her, giving some sort of simple greeting. I would leave quickly as I didn't want to bother her with whatever she went here for.

When I continued to walk forward, the girl who was being idolized by everyone, Sakura Shizuka, noticed my presence and turned around. She had an apparent surprise on her face for a moment, but she immediately fixed her smile as well as her angle to face me directly.

Wait…

I stopped in my tracks.

Why is she looking at me this way?

The way she conducted herself was as if she was expecting me to approach and talk with her. I mean, that's what I was about to do, but did she have something to say to me? Regardless of her aim, I approached and then stopped in front of her. I waited for her to talk.

Our eyes then met again, this time, unlike the gaze she gave to every people on the sidewalk, her deep blue eyes looked at me with gentle concern—that concern was something I had no clue about.

It seemed that she was also waiting for me to speak.

“…Uh,” I started. “Sakurai-san, what is—”

“I’m sorry.”

Shizuka bowed.

…

…I think I get it.

“I cannot respond to your feelings.”

As expected, she thought I was gonna confess to her.

“I appreciate you confessing to me, but I had no plans at the moment for that kind of relationship.”

Who would have thought that there would come a day when I would get rejected even though I didn’t confess? It seemed that not only my motivation, but my luck was going down in drain too.

“Also, we rarely talked so I don’t know you much either.”

Welp, I’m fucked. What else could I say?

“So if it’s alright with you, Higuchi-kun, can we just be friends?”

…

“Um…” This was a bit awkward now, but I had to tell her the truth. What made it worse she went silent but kept a serious expression, dedicated to listening to whatever I would say. There would be no point in taking a roundabout manner, so in a single breath, I stated. “This is a misunderstanding.”

Shizuka tilted her head, confused.

Yes, Vice president, I am just as confused.

“…If you received a love letter from someone telling you to come here, then you’ve got the wrong person.”

“Eh…?” She had a blank expression for an instant before she started to get flustered. “Ehhh!!??”

Now, this was a sight that I have never seen before. The always composed Shizuka was nowhere and an embarrassed girl with a slightly red face stood there in her place. She was nervous and she struggled to say something but her effort to conceal it by immediately speaking was remarkable.

“Uh… Hahaha…” She laughed a little, cleared her throat, and bowed her head again. “It would seem like I jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I understand.”

She probably had been called out here many times for the same thing and there were no people here besides us so I could not blame her for assuming that. There was one instance when I saw her rejecting a boy in this same spot.

As I thought back on that, I glanced away from the girl to the corner where I hid back then. There I saw someone peeking at us, probably a boy, and they immediately hid again when they noticed me looking at them.

“I also thought it was weird that you would confess to me,” Shizuka said, making me look at her again. “You don’t seem to be the type who would pull a stunt like this.”

“Well, no one comes really comes here so it’s understandable that you would assume that way.”

“Yes, that’s right, no one comes here.” She smiled as she directed her sharp gaze at me. “It makes me wonder too what you were you doing in a place like this.”

I was not sure whether she suspected me of doing some shady stuff or if it was just genuine curiosity. Anyway, this question was a bit hard to answer. We were classmates for the past two years as well as this year and she also tried talking to me before, but this would be one of among longest conversations just yet. Even though we were basically just acquaintances, she should know by now that I was a loner.

Going alone in secluded places simply screams being a loner.

I wished she would read between the lines.

“Killing time, I guess.”

“…I see.” She smiled awkwardly, probably realizing what I meant. “I think the person who called me out here won’t be coming anymore so I would be going now. Sorry for taking your time. What about you?”

“It’s alright. I’ll be going later.”

“Sorry, thanks.” She waved her hand then she walked away, eventually disappearing in the corner.

She would not want rumors flying around if other people saw us walking out together from this place, and neither did I. She was easy to talk to and she did not hesitate on asking questions to engage with the other person more. It's no wonder that many people thought of her favorably, me included.

…I forgot to confirm whether we are friends now.

“Now then.” I resumed walking and arrived at the open area in front of the gymnasium. Near where I stood was the outside corner of the building, and the three guys who were staying there were all someone I knew.

Two of them were standing, one was tall and the other was smaller than me. The tall one had rimmed eyeglasses, black hair slicked back, and all the buttons of his clothes were in place like always. Although I didn’t know his name, his plain, good-natured student appearance made an impression on me ever since the first time I saw him.

The one with a smaller build was around 157 centimeters. He had a good-looking confident face and blond hair, and he was always by himself. But the reason I knew about him was not because of those things. It was because he was always the top scorer in our school’s exams, the famous Asahira Eita.

Finally, the last one who sat with a dejected look was Hirayama, my classmate who was also the one who peeked at us earlier. He noticed me staring at them and I could tell he was nervous despite his eyes covered with his bangs. The tall one looked at me warily, Eita also did but with curiosity.

I slowly approached them, not sure why I even did, and stood before Hirayama, looking down on him. I didn't speak, I was not sure if I should. But the long silence that ensued between the four of us became discomforting at some point and I decided to just ask casually what was on my mind.

“Were you the one who called her there?”

There were three of them, but I asked Hirayama specifically since he was the only one who knew about me. The main reason, however, was that I sat diagonally behind him for the past year. Being the same loner as I was, I might had the tendency to look at him more often than others. That was why I could say that he might have a crush on Shizuka. I had noticed him, more than a few dozens of times, silently gazing at her back after all.

He was looking up at me, not able to hide his surprise as he tried to say something. His mouth opened wide, slowly closed them, opened them again, and only to close them shut. His reaction was enough to answer for me. But seriously, he could not even speak at a time like this.

“Yes. It was him. Are there any issues?"

The one who said that was Eita, his eyes staring at mine. “You are not her boyfriend or anything, are you?”

As his reputation says, he spoke formally in a mild manner. He seemed to only ask and confirm whether there was an issue, but I felt he was trying to provoke me as well.

“No, I’m not. I was just asking.”

“We are here to support him as he confesses to Sakurai-san. Sadly, he was not able to muster up the courage today, and there was also someone else who beat him up to it.”

Different from Eita, the tall guy looked so unsure whether it was alright to reveal all these things to someone like me. Hirayama was also confused about why the famous genius guy of our school was doing this. And I was also not an exception either.

For what reason was he provoking me?

“I was just there coincidentally. I did not mean to get in the way.”

“No, it’s alright.” He smiled, but hostility was apparent in his eyes now. “Even if you were not there, Shinji-kun here is just a coward, an awkward guy who can't even speak up."

The tall guy, Hirayama and I were all speechless. But different from the two who were just shocked, I knew that this was a provocation for me. The implication of his words was…

“You were looking down on him earlier, weren’t you?”

He was right. I certainly did think of that.

…But so what?

“…Confident, aren’t we?” I responded in the same tone. “And now you’re doing the same thing. You’re looking down on me too, eh, is that right, Genius?”

“…..”

Neither of us spoke anymore.

To begin with, this argument had no point. Even if we continued here, there was absolutely no point. We were strangers. He was provoking me probably because he got irritated when I insulted Hirayama, and I responded when I got upset.

Sure, I would not want to continue this argument anymore. I was not confident I would win anyway. And thankfully, he did not seem to pursue it either.

After another long silence, I decided to make the first move and step back before turning away from them. But as I was walking away, Eita called out behind me.

“I am a president of a club; I would want you to join it.”

“…Nah. I’ll pass,” I said as I continued to walk without looking back.

I didn’t know his reasons but inviting someone after an argument? There’s no way it’ll work.

But man, this might be the most productive day I’ve made for a while. I got rejected by the student council vice president, and we might have become friends all of a sudden. Then after an argument, I got invited to join a club.

“Haha.”

What good luck I have.