To Keep Moving Forward

 I had never truly experienced silence.

In the physical sense, there was always some noise that prevented true silence: birds chirping, teachers lecturing, silverware clacking, etc. However, what I felt in this moment was the embodiment of silence. Air stood still; uneasiness filled the room. The small noises we made while eating lunch weren’t enough to dispel it. I could see a massive hole right in front of me–impossible to go around and infinitely deep. On one side, Mona, Aito, and I sat, eating our lunches. On the other, the victim of pain and suffering brought on by murder man: Lego.

It had only been a few days since Valentine’s Day. Lego made his confession to murder man, and murder man turned him down. If that was all it was, all this awkward tension from Mona, Aito, and I wouldn’t be floating around. Murder man yelled harrowing words that could make the most stable person go insane. I couldn’t even replay the moment in my head without wanting to vomit. It was just…something no one should ever have to live through. It was so bad that Mona, the most levelheaded of all of us, nearly slapped murder man in the face. Actually, if Lego hadn’t grabbed her hand, she would’ve slapped him. Ever since then, Mona, Aito, and I had eaten our lunches in silence. The only noises we made were the occasional clacks of our silverware and the chewing of our food. We didn’t know how we should comfort or even interact with Lego. Lego, on the other hand…

“Hey, do any of you have an extra ketchup packet? I seem to have forgotten mine at home.”

…was acting completely normal. Of course he is. Seriously, how strong is his mental fortitude…. Lego wasn’t phased at all, or at least that was how he acted. It seemed like Mona and Aito didn’t really believe that he was fine though, since they always avoided eye contact. Whenever Lego directed any conversation towards them, they just gave an empty smile, adding a “yeah” every so often. You would think the one with trauma would be the victim, not the spectators…

And so, our days continued in the same gloomy manner: the school bell rang, morning lectures came, a silent lunch continued, afternoon lectures went, and the day came to an end. Of course, I still attended clubs. I was going to try them all out, after all. On the last day of the Art Club, I finally managed to draw a rose at a middle school level. Yes, that was an accomplishment. The next week, I was trying out the badminton club. After a few days of playing, if it weren’t for all the running, I would’ve probably been good at it. Seriously.

During that same week, I began talking with Lego normally again. He seemed a bit surprised at first, but he still talked semi-normally to me. He wasn’t teasing me as much, so it felt like he was holding back. He might have been suspicious as to why I wasn’t worried about him. His smile also seemed a bit forced for some reason when talked to me. However, he never broached the subject, so I never commented on it. He acted like he was fine, and it didn’t seem like he was really hurting. I knew there was some etiquette on letting a person grieve and move through it alone. However, when someone was completely beaten down and still managed to smile, I didn’t think I needed to maintain that etiquette.

Mona and Aito, on the other hand, weren’t faring so well. After a week, they tried to start some conversations or give some responses. However, after five words, they both completely shut down, seemingly thinking about what happened on Valentine’s Day. After a day or two of this, they simply stopped trying. They did say they would try again once they had gotten over the trauma, though. Hopefully, that’ll be soon…

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

The final bell rang, indicating the end of class. It had been about two weeks since the incident; things were slowly getting back to normal. Mona and Aito had finally begun to talk normally with Lego, even if it was only for a few minutes. Lego, consequently, acted completely the same. His playful antics were definitely more genuine instead of forced now. I ended up conversing with Lego while acting as a medium for Mona and Aito after they shut down. Small smiles appeared and cheeks flushed on the girls’ faces whenever this happened.

I walked out of the classroom and down the dark stairwell after saying my goodbyes to the others. It had been a while since I left school right after the bell rang. Usually, I would attend a club: the Tennis Club this week, to be specific. However, the club meeting ended up getting canceled at lunch today. One of the reasons was that most of the members were taking a break before their upcoming competition. However, the main reason was–

Drip. Drip. Drop. Drop. Pssshhh.

It was raining.

I stood underneath the overhang outside of the main doors. I hadn’t brought my umbrella, so I didn’t want to get soaked for twenty minutes on my walk home. Everything in my backpack would probably get wet too. I peeked out and looked up at the clouds. They were sparse and a light gray color. A few scattered sunbeams broke through the clouds here and there. It seemed like it would only be another ten or fifteen minutes before the rain died down. I moved off to the left and sat down on the dry concrete, watching the cars pass along the street in front of me.

After a few minutes, I felt something cold brush up against my right cheek. I instinctively pulled my head away and turned towards the source. Lego was holding a can of soda out to me. He wore a forced smile; a somewhat conflicted expression danced across his face.

“Thirsty?”

It took me a few moments to process what he said. Once I did, I nodded, slowly reaching out and grabbing the can from his hand. Lego then plopped himself right next to me, holding another can in his right hand. He toasted with the can before taking a sip. I returned the gesture.

Cish! Some of the soda rose out of the can when I opened it; however, it didn’t flow over the can’s lip. I brought it up to my lips and took a small sip. We sat in silence, staring at the moving scenery, taking a few sips of our drink every so often.

“Are you going to ask?” Lego inquired after a few minutes. I took another sip of soda. I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking, but–

“About what?” I pretended to be aloof. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lego facing towards me wearing a serious expression. I continued to look out in front of me.

“About why I wasn’t really hurt by what Jake said?” Lego said with a bit of annoyance. I once again took another sip of soda. I sat there for another few minutes.

“Does it matter? If you’re fine, you’re fine,” I eventually replied. Lego let a bit of surprise slip onto his face before returning to a neutral expression. He then put on a small, playful smile.

“Were you not worried that I might not be okay?” He clearly meant it as a joke, probably thinking that of course I would be worried about him. So, when I replied almost immediately–

“Why would I be worried if you’ve already gone through it before?” Lego’s face twisted in shock. I continued to stare out in front of me, taking another sip of soda. Eventually, Lego let out a defeated grin.

“How long have you known?” I turned my eyes upwards, still facing towards the street in front of me.

“I mean, how else could you have been so composed?” I thought back to my past. After my mother left, if something bad happened to me, I would usually be fine. It wasn’t that the pain hurt any less, but I had already gone through it once, so I knew how to cope with it. I could keep moving forward without getting stuck in the past.

“The better question is,” I continued, “how extreme was your reaction after the first time.” At that, Lego seemed to tense up a bit; I had hit the nail on the head. “Judging by your reaction, I assume it was something very extreme.” A few more moments passed.

“Huh, of course you figured it out,” Lego let out a soft chuckle. “You were always pretty good at guessing what others are thinking.” Lego turned to look towards the street once again. His eyes seemed to reminisce about the first time he went through that pain. I looked away from the street and turned towards him.

“So, what happened?” Lego sat there for a few moments, still reminiscing about the past.

“Oh, you know. The same old, same old.” He then turned towards me and flashed a strained smile. “It was my first year of high school. Back then, I had a lot less personality. I was pretty much a proper high school student.”

“I can’t even imagine you in normal school clothes.” Lego gave a quiet laugh.

“Yeah, well I don’t think anyone really knew me then. I didn’t even know Mona yet; we met when we were sophomores.” Lego took another sip of his soda. “Basically, I did the same exact thing then. On Valentine’s Day, I gave store-bought chocolate and asked a person out. The same chaos that you guys saw ensued.”

“So you did notice us.”

“You think I wouldn’t? Mona isn’t that good at sneaking around, especially in those heels.” We both let out a small chuckle. “Anyways, I ended up locking myself in my room that night and for the days after. My mom had to leave food outside my door so I would at least eat. My sister, who was in her final year of high school, slammed on the door, telling me to let her inside after a few days. I, of course, ignored her. I was thinking about doing something crazy at the time, and I didn’t need her interrupting me. She continued slamming the door for about a week. At that point, I had finally made up my mind to commit to my own craziness. However, just after I finished getting ready, my sister kicked down the door.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, she literally almost broke the hinges. Looking back on it, it was really cool.” Lego put on a soft smile. “She took one look around the room and then gave me a hard smack on the head.” Lego rubbed his head, presumably where he was hit. “She said to me, ‘If you have time to laze about, then you have time to get up and move on.’ I got so mad that I blew up in her face. I yelled things like, ‘You don’t know how I feel!’ or ‘You’re the worst sister ever!’ After all that though, she simply looked at me, smiled, and said, ‘Feel better now?’ I was really shocked, but it did feel like a load had been lifted off my chest.

“Since then, I decided to just be me. I wore what I wanted, acted how I wanted, and did what I wanted. If something got me down, I just kept moving forward and smiled. I wanted to be the kind of person who could weather anything and keep others together. Though, I guess I still need to work on that last part.” Lego scratched his cheek wearing a playful smile.

We sat in silence, staring at each other, for another few moments. Then, I finally asked him the question that has been on my mind for a while.

“How can you keep on smiling?”

At that, Lego took another sip of his drink.

“That’s simple, really.” Then, he let out a big smile.

“Because when I’m with the people I care about, regardless of what happens, I feel truly happy.”