Advice

I went home. I passed my father and stepmom, sitting on the couch, watching television. They leaned on each other like legs of the Eiffel Tower. I couldn't understand why, but seeing them happy only made me more uncomfortable.

I threw open my door, flopping down on my messy bed with an utterly empty feeling in my stomach. My tear ducts were as dry as the Sahara, yet I knew that crying would have felt so good. It was as if I was being punished.

Jessica was the one who needed to chill. She was the one who insulted me first, saying I don't have ambitions. I'm not the bad guy here, I reasoned.

None of it mattered in the face of how shitty I felt.

I swallowed, staring at myself in the mirror by my dresser. My unease deepened. I yearned to make that stupid, tired, red demoness face disapear: to stop torturing me relentlessly.

When I didn't stop existing, I buried my head into a pillow.

It's totally her fault, I stewed. She wants me to do a bunch of extra work for nothing. 'Practice' for CE. What a fucking joke. She's such a tryhard.

No matter what excuse I threw at the beast, it still ate at me.

And finally, I caved. Whatever. I feel bad about using that insecurity she told me about. I should apologize for that.

But I couldn't. It felt so shallow. I wanted to apologize for what I said, yet I didn't want to apologize for not practicing.

I wondered what Paul would think. Paul was a long time friend. We had connected over Two Pieces, an anime, in middle school. I was very consciously jealous of him: out of all the strange things that people had become, the universe had decided to bless him. He was just an ordinary white guy, surrounded by monsters. He and his parents were the only their kind that I knew of.

Regardless of my jealousy, we were still good friends. I knew that I could depend on him to be straight with me. I would ask him for advice, I decided. I opened up our SMS thread.

You: Hey dude can I ask you something

He took a hot second to reply.

Paul: Yeah sure dude what's up

You: I said some stuff to someone that I'm really regretting, I kinda want to apologize but I kinda don't

Paul: Shit dude that sucks

Paul: Who was it n what did you say

You: It was Jessica. You know the preppy girl

Paul: You guys have a cat fight

Paul: Jk

Paul: I know her tho

I chose to ignore his bizarre sexism.

You: No we're in a group in current events. Its a presentation project. She wanted me to practice the pres at home by myself.

Paul: What

You: Like its a thing we present together, she wanted me to practice separately and then we practice together. She wanted me to memorize stuff.

Paul: Did you

You: No its current events no one cares

Paul: Well she does ig

You: Yeah but its so pointless

Paul: What did you say to her tho

There was an awkward pause. My fingers tripped over themselves trying to find the words.

You: She told me that she felt like people were afraid of her

Paul: And

You: She was starting to get angry at me and she opened her mouth really wide and I could see her fangs and then I said "that's why people are afraid of you"

Paul: Is she a vampire or something

You: She's a snake

Paul: Ohhhh

You: I feel bad that she told me that and I used it to insult her

Paul: Yeah dude that sucks

You: I don't know what to say now

Paul: Well she cares about her grades right

You: Yeah

Paul: She would probably appreciate you doing good on the pres then right

You: Yeah but dude it's current events, the class is so easy that it's literally pointless to practice

Paul: I mean if you want to apologize then it's not pointless

You: Do I even need to apologize? She insulted me first

Paul: What did she sat

Paul: Say

You: She said "some of us have ambitions, Noel"

You: It was so snooty

Paul: That's rough buddy

You: Do I though???

Paul: A guy would apologize to a girl even if he did nothing

You: What?

Paul: Lol it's kinda true though

You: What would you do?

Paul: I would practice the pres and then apologize tomorrow

You: Ugh

Paul: I mean

Paul: Do what you want dude

You: Thanks

I dramatically cast away my stupid phone.

I stared at the ceiling. The light was fading fast.

With a growl, I swiped up the device back into my hand and opened up the presentation notes.

I sat up in bed, and read them outloud.