Reflection to Growth

It has been almost a week since I properly met Tenne Hanim. Days after our encounter, her words still echo in my thoughts, trying to ponder a reply to everything she had stated. Suffice to say, it left me in a daze while I was working.

Akum Bey didn't need help so he simply told me to do my job as usual. So, that's how time flies fast for me. I am beginning to wonder if Tenne Hanim is right about my conviction. I…have to admit that my heart is full of worry and doubts about my job.

That day when Abel Bey gave me the commission that delayed my resignation, I was about to waste a decade of training because of my desire. Is this really me? Someone who chases thrill and splendor?

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

"I am stuck…" I said to no one.

I adjusted myself on the rug for umpteeth times. These days my spirit has started to dwindle. I took less commissions than before, went home earlier, and did my prayers at home. I haven't sent the letter I wrote recently yet. Does Bayan Souleska even read it?

Why do I feel like this now? I have lived for seven decades yet only now that I found my life unfulfilling.

Isn't this supposed to be what I wanted in the first place? I enrolled at the Lancer madrasah just to be an agha. I didn't continue to university, but I wonder what would happen if I did.

…

My head started to hurt.

I shouldn't dwell on what-ifs. Father would be disappointed seeing me like this, and mother too, would be worried sick of me being gloomy. I rose and began to dress in my lancer garb. I picked my mother's cloak and contrary to what Ariel had said back then, this cloak is not poorly made, it's just poorly designed. My family is wealthy enough to afford high quality clothing.

It's just that my mother is not quite proficient in sewing despite knowing how to sew a wound.

Ah…I almost forgot, I should pray and clean my room first before going out.

…

After a quick sweep around the room, I headed towards the bureau. Maybe because I have an aim for today, the air feels fresh. I checked my pocket again to see if I carried the letter and nodded once it's there.

I took the roofs this time and went for a relaxing run this time. No need to exert more energy. From afar, the bureau's tower hasn't been lit yet.

What's going on?

No need to dwell on that Noah! Just go there first.

Soon enough I arrived at the bureau. The early mornings always felt mystical here. The blue yellowish hue that permeates from the sky accentuated a unique surface to everything it touches. It's honestly very comforting for reasons I can't elaborate. It's difficult to describe it.

I opened the door and was ready to give my letter to Itayel Hanim…only to find she is not where she is supposed to be. What's going on? Why does it feel empty?

"A-Ah, sorry for the mess!"

A voice came to my ears, and I did recognize it.

I approached the counter and find the Itayel Hanim's spot was filled with someone else.

"Peace be upon you, Ayelet Hanim," I greeted.

"Peace be upon you too, Noah Bey," She enthusiastically replied back. "If I may, why are you looking behind me?"

"I wonder where everyone is…and Itayel Hanim too."

She gave me a sideway glance, indicating she is trying to cover her mistakes. It's always like this with her, even though she is quite proper when doing her job, but she looks fidgety early in the morning and Itayel Hanim is not here…

She is taking a job that is hard for her to handle.

I sighed, Ayelet Hanim sometimes pushes herself too hard. My reaction didn't fail to be noticed, and so the woman confessed.

"Itayel Hanim is away right now and I volunteered to take her load for today,"

"And judging from how you react this morning," I said. "It's too much for you to handle, is it?"

She nodded rapidly. "I shouldn't have taken it in the first place, I never thought she handled so many burdens everyday."

I always wondered what she did before the opening hours. Itayel Hanim is the first to arrive and ready at the moment's notice. From my recollection, she always is during my tenure here.

Back to the person behind the counter again, "Ugh, I arrived late too, it's almost an hour before the opening hours. I haven't arranged today's commission rotation and sorted the documents… and I am not even ready yet…"

She slumped on the counter, quite a crude display if you ask me. And now that I noticed again the one in front of me, she is still not wearing her uniform which is improper.

But, I know well not to bring that up. I shouldn't judgingly stare at her. It will bring her mood down.

A moment later another arrival came, this time in uniform, but sporting a red coat. It was rare for me to see one of them, but for him to come to the main building of the bureau means something important is happening.

"Peace be upon you," he greeted.

"Peace be upon you," x2

"If you don't mind me asking, where is the batch for the Kurye (courier)?"

Ayelet Hanim seemed like her soul was about to leave when hearing that.

"Batch for Kurye?" I asked.

The man observed me like a figure. Coming to a conclusion I soon heard.

"Ah, a white coat agha, eh? Of course you might not know," said the man with a jovial yet self-deprecating manner. He shook his head to push away the depressing thought.

"Well, might as well help you, receptionist," he then offered to help.

Ayelet Hanim was quick to jump at his words. "Really? You are not leaving me hanging?"

"Of course, I'll be chewed off if I don't keep my word!"

I tilted my head. "Who's going to chew you?"

"Me, of course!"

I decided not to ask further.

The man clasped his hands together. "Alright, where should we start?"

I have no clue so I hope Ayelet Hanim has one.

The aforementioned woman pulls out a notebook, checking the order of steps I assume.

Minutes passed, we both probably wondered whether she took this task in a spur of a moment or with consideration. Possibly the former since we are still waiting, but even then she has a notebook which means she does pay attention.

She hummed, with confidence she said, "I have no clue where to start so please help me!"

She bowed deeply to the point her forehead touched the counter. I don't know if this is a pitiful or shameful display.

On the other hand, the Read Coat is ahead of me.

"Evet(yes), can I have a look at your notebook, please?"

Ayelet Hanim handed him the book. The Read Coat gave it a quick read and after a while, showed it to me.

"What do you think?"

Hm, this is tough. The list goes:

-Sort the Kurye letters

-Cross-examine the information from Records

-Verify Records' information

-Arrange Receptionist roster

-The commissions must be updated!

She said this is important!

The last on the list have many scribbles. I am guessing it's to make sure Ayelet Hanim could remember it.

Hm, this is quite difficult to grasp. I am not very apt in administration. I feel small now since this is such a hurdle. For me who mostly does my work outside, this is a foreign feeling for me. Now I regret not taking my merchant studies to heart back then.

Back to the matter at hand, I guess it's not wrong to say this is beyond my skills. But, Ayelet Hanim's head-on stare makes me reconsider. Don't look at me with those eyes, I am weak to such pleading looks especially coming from a klutz like you.

Of course, when my heart was in doubt, the man beside me had a conviction of steel.

"Welp, I can't help you after all," He stated as-of-a-matter-of-factly. "I mean I am just a courier, and I don't even have an ounce of clue to your list."

If an image of a girl holding back her tears needs a representation, Ayelet Hanim will fit quite nicely.

"B-But you offered to help!" She cried.

The Read Coat confidently replied, "I am but I realized this is beyond my skill so forgive me for having your hopes up,."

He bowed.

Ayelet Hanin was left without words. Even, I, if positioned in her stead, react the same. The Read Coat's honesty was blunt yet it has humility in acknowledging his faults.

I feel a tinge of envy.

If I was forward like him and had as strong a conviction, I might be able to reply Tenne's Hanim's statements. But, that is for another day.

Right now, we are in a pinch. Around more than a half an hour, the bureau will have to open.

What should the three of us do?

…

Conviction.

Faith.

Certainty.

It is risky, but better than not doing anything at all.

I reached the notebook again and went back to look at the last on the list. If she has to scribble this so much then it's clear what we need to do.

"Ayelet Hanim, may I ask why the last on the list is important?"

She was pulled back from her sullen state to a somewhat hopeful state.

"U-Um, we–receptionists have to make sure we don't mislead the aghas, right?"

"I mean what would happen if we found out the commission had been done, but we forgot to put it off? Or the commission is faulty without us realizing it?"

This correlates with what I said to Tenne Hanim days ago. We have to make sure commissions are not shady. In better words, faulty as Ayelet Hanim puts it.

Our goal as Lancer as a whole is not misled, but to guide. I am simply reiterating what Usta Judas has said once. I haven't fully understood the concept yet, but Ayelet Hanim's words cleared something for me, just a little bit though.

I am certain what we should do first.

"How about we start with that first–update the commissions."

"So you will help me?!"

Haha, of course…

"I am helping you right now!" I answered.

She let out an audible 'eh?'.

"I can't help you directly, but–" Did I just leave her hanging in anticipation of every word escaping from my lips?

Um,

Right.

"–let's just say I am your support!" I pulled the Read Coat along. "And he too!"

"I am?"

"He is?"

I think I am trying too hard here. I am not the most charismatic person around, but!

I am confident what she needs is just direction. I once noted about her that she might be a klutz, but when she does get into work, she is as graceful as Itayel Hanim. I am trying to give her a push.

The result is perplexion.

Awkward silence filled the gaps. Another minute is wasted with our mouths closed. Come on, say something. Just please move at least.

Ayelet Hanim remained firm on where she stands, re-reading the list again as if to gain her confidence. The Red Coat beside me simply stares at nothing, but the ceiling.

"I-I…will do it…" Ayelet Hanim said, hesitantly.

The Red Coat beside me gave her an approving nod.

Hm, she still looked hesitant. A simple approval won't do. In the end…ah…

Oh my…

I kept forgetting what I always noted of her. A klutz who is competent when the situation calls for it. Forgive me, Abel Bey for being reckless. What I am about to do is exactly that.

I loudly hummed, earning Ayelet Hanim's attention.

"I'll help." I said.

Her eyes lit up like Alkun Tower during the full moon.

"Really?" said the receptionist with a hopeful gaze.

I nodded, indeed I will help. But, you will help yourself in the end.

"Three heads–"

"Count me out," The Red Coat interjects. "I can't help as much so me here is pretty much a waste."

He left us both alone as he strides to another room. We never get his name or rather…maybe only I who don't.

Ayelet Hanim looked worried again.

"It's fine, two heads are better than one at least," I tried to cheer her up.

She looked at me worrily, perhaps she can see I am not suited to help her or she is worried of being too upfront with her intentions. Either way, I am confident she will be the one who will finish this.

And so we started with the last on the list, the most important one: Updating the commission along with cross examining and verifying records' information.

For once, I was allowed to move in to the back of the counter. I was directed to three big screens. Each holds data of essentials for the receptionist. Ayelet Hanim opened an application on the screen and then the window for the commission's list was opened.

Ayelet Hanim taught me how it works, but before that she asks me if I know how to operate a manabox.

This is where it gets tricky.

I have experience with manabox. The machine is popular in the southern part of the caliphate–where I lived before. Back then, manabox wasn't common (still is), but as a part of a wealthy family, it's natural we picked such technology.

I spent a fair amount of time with it so I can understand what needs to be done. My only flaw now is that I am not sure if I can complete this with reasonable time.

The task follows with rewriting the description with the floatkeys, and using the corresponding information and requester statements to fact-check and update the commission.

Based on that, I can finish this, but it will take longer than I hoped to be.

Thus, the tricky part comes from how to screw the task purposefully. How do I make it work slower than what I am capable of?

I don't want her to look through me and see my ploy. I am trying to take advantage of her klutz nature to make this work. In doing so, I could stimulate her hidden capabilities.

Here we go–

"Ayelet Hanim, why can't I move back to the previous page?"

She rose beside me and looked at my screen.

"Awawawa, Noah Bey! You mixed the commission's description with another one!"

She stares at me disapprovingly. "Where is the window for each commissions' information?"

Of course I know, but I have to play this well.

"Er, I…don't know how to find it."

She audibly groaned, and mouthed, 'I can't believe I have to do this'.

Okay, she fixed my mistake quickly and it felt like only two seconds have passed

I was right, she is good.

And so we returned to our seats. I made another mistake again and she fixed it. I do it again and she does the same as before. By the time I did it 7th times, she sighed in frustration.

"Noah Bey…just step back." she tried to say with a polite tone.

And so I did.

I retreated back to the other side of the counter and watched her do exactly what I expected her to do.

In quick motion of both hands and eyes, she scrolls through the information window and the commission window. It makes even my attempts to take this seriously shameful. Seriously, there is a reason why I appreciate receptionists.

I called her again to make sure she was not upset with me, but she didn't utter anything.

I think I made her mad.

And so I sealed my lips and waited for her to finish. After five or six minutes, she finished and looked back at the notes.

She looked at me with doubt, clearly doubtful of my capabilities.

"We are going to sort the Kurye's letters, can you do it?" She pulled a pile of folders from underneath the desk.

Of course, I will fail this.

Each failure I did made her frowned more. By the time she is sick of my supposed blunder, it has turned into a full blown scowl.

"I really don't want to say this, but can you just sit on the rug while I finish this?"

The line I have been waiting for. Now, time to bring the sinker.

I shrugged to express my satisfaction. "Sure, but we have been past the opening hours so…"

Her face turns blank. The colors drained from her, she looked at the clock to confirm my words.

With a flurry of heat, she dashes back to the letters she has to sort.

I did as I was told.

I took my nice time resting on the soft fabric. Intently watching as the receptionist with a focus eerily similar to her senior. Even then, the fact remains that…

We are past the opening hours. Someone must have lit the signal tower.

That was soon answered when a yellow coat came to my view.

"Peace be upon you, Itayel–"

He scanned the room only to find the one who he was looking for was missing. Akum Bey looked at me and then to Ayelet Hanim.

"Peace be upon you." x2

He massages his temple. "Gone to…the capital, didn't she?"

The junior receptionist nods. "I am sorry for not doing well of what she has asked of me."

"It's either she is in a mood to play around or she has other intentions that are beyond me," Akum Bey said with a dispassionate tone. "Well, finish what she has told you."

Ayelet Hanin hastily returned back to the task at hand.

Akum Bey approached me and sat on the rug.

"Finally brighten up, huh, Hoodie?"

"Huh?"

"You looked too moody these last few days," He clarified. "You are not in a good mood to help me."

"Help you…? A-Are you saying you want to ask me to continue from–"

"Hold your tail, Hoodie, you still not in a good shape. I would rather have you do commissions than help me at the moment."

"But, I could help more if I follow you. More people will be saved if we stop rebels that hide in this city."

"And do you have the necessary skill and experience to do that?"

Ah…that argument again. I wouldn't know if I didn't try it. I have to take risks or else I will never grow. That's why I still wrote those letters. To go as far as I can be and reap the rewards.

Yes…that's my reason.

I lightly tap my pocket, the letter is still there.

"Just give me a chance." I said.

He chuckled. "Look at her," he pointed at Ayelet Hanim who was sorting the letters with speed my eyes barely could trace. "She can work on those papers fast because she has experience, but it comes from knowledge she was taught into."

He continued, "You want experience, but your knowledge around you is still lacking. If you are what you think you are, that letter in your pocket would be in her hands now."

"W-What?! How did you–"

"A guess, and it seems I was right," He adjusted himself on the rug. "I know this because I have knowledge on how people behave…and experience to hone it further,"

"Look at you, if you are truly ready to help me, you would be more effective in doing anything. No wasted moments."

Ack–I am not like you! I am still new and how do you expect….

….expect a newcomer to take on difficult tasks…

My thoughts wouldn't come verbally as I realized what I would have said. I looked at Ayelet Hanim again. Hands glued to the floatkeys and eyes to the screen.

I retract my statement before. I am envious of the Read Coat…and her. One has the conviction I wished for and the other is more experienced in their field than I am.

Ayelet Hanim for a lack of better words is the same as I am. She is a blue coat receptionist–the equivalent of mine's white coat–yet she is taking a task suited for the white coated Itayel Bilmek.

Unlike me, the junior receptionist works with the senior in daily-basis. Ayelet Hanim must have picked up habits she saw everyday or else why would the senior employ her to work on such a task?

Itayel Hanim saw her fit for the task.

Looking back now, I haven't proven myself enough to Akum Bey.

His words then snapped out of my reverie, "If you are still mulling over what I said, just keep doing your job,"

"It is a grind and you have to face it. We aghas are the main force of this guild. Even with the help of Receptionists, Kurye, and Akademisyen (scholars), we are the ones who have to do the heavy-lifting."

He stood up. "It seems Itayel's girl is done although she is an hour late."

"Will we be scolded?" I asked.

He grinned. "Nah, we don't have definite opening hours, but isn't it rude if we open late?"

"Um, yeah?"

He let out a little laugh and didn't elaborate further.

On the other end, Ayelet Hanim seemed to lose a piece of her soul as she slumped on the counter…and forced herself back up again when other lancers started to flock in.

That's my cue then, time to work, but before that, I handed the letter to the downed warrior of dawn. She weakly smiled and took my letter to Kurye. The Red Coat appeared again and is the one delivering it. After that, I returned to do my work

When the day was over, I relished the smooth fabric of my bed. I reflect on my senior's words and take solace knowing that I still have a long way to go.

I rose and started to write a new letter

Dear Bayan Souleska,

I am sorry for not sending letters for days. I was too distracted by my own failings a week ago. Tenne Hanim's words made me rethink something.

But, today I witnessed a woman, quite a clumsy one, but definitely skilled, take on a task suited for a high ranking receptionist. I tried to give her a push, but it seems I still have a long way to go to develop skills necessary to inspire others.

And a Kurye who is blunt yet honest to himself and others.

I envy both of them, you know, but I have to move on.

Just as my senior said, "It is a grind and you have to face it."

That's it for today,

With regards, Noah Sadiik

Lancer Guild

but I still have one lingering question:

What was that Red Coat's name?